Mikali sh'Shar - Andorian Blues: The Logs, Part I
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David Adams
Nov 17, 2020, 9:22:44 PM11/17/20
to Gorkon
(( OOC: Song for this sim: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h74nkELyHhM ))
(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239710.24, Day 7 of 365 ))
I sent the letter.
(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239710.25, Day 8 of 365 ))
<long period of silence>
Goddammit, I don't even know.
(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239710.26, Day 9 of 365 ))
Worked today.
(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239710.27, Day 10 of 365 ))
So. Okay. Logs.
Carys suggested that I do these logs every day. She says it's so I can review them before coming in, so we can have something to talk about when I come in. I don't know if that's the real reason or not but it's good enough for now. I don't see the point. I already know what the issues are. I've been a useless screwup for long enough that I get it. I do.
<long period of silence>
I don't know. I'm not really comfortable recording my life like this. I make so many mistakes... I have the reverse Midas touch. Everything I get my hands into fecalates, and I don't know why I would want to ever read over the blow-by-blow for whatever train wreck I'm currently the direct cause of. Or why anyone else would either. Feels like I'm just wasting storage space.
I finally checked my messages. Benna wrote back to me almost immediately. Gods, she's so good. So now there's a blinking light in my inbox from her. But I haven't read it. I just can't bring myself to do it. Not yet.
Have a real headache tonight. My prosthetic eye keeps flickering, the image wobbling like it's about to cut out. I'll just keep working and hope it goes away.
(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239710.28, Day 10 of 365 ))
Catscratch and I got into a weird argument at work today. I said that Romulans paint their ships green because it's the colour of their blood, and that it should be seen by other species with the same implication.
I pointed out that for Andorians, blue serves the same cultural niche as red in Human cultures; the eye is drawn to it, and splashes of blue paint can be eerie and upsetting. She said I was being a cultural relativist.
I asked, is it really cultural relativism if it's your own culture? She got mad. Said I was just cranky because I hadn't read Benna's letter. I know I should, but I'm afraid to.
(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239710.29, Day 11 of 365 ))
I'm starting to feel a bit better after all that talking to Carys, but as the weird feeling of nothing fades away, it is being replaced with anxiety. It's a feeling I thought I'd left behind in the Ithassa Region.
I've been in war. I know that the waiting is worse than the fighting; the fighting is over in seconds or minutes, but waiting for the fighting... takes hours. You check your gear. You check it again. You check each other's gear. You discuss checking your gear. You think about checking your gear even though you know it's fine. You decide to check your gear again because there's nothing else to do.
People think war is super exciting or full of fear. War is mostly boredom, a few minutes of sheer terror punctuated by months of waiting. You wait, and you wait, and you wait. And then, in a blink, it's all over.
Point-one-four is coming, and I'm due to see Carys again. I don't know if I want to but I know I have to.
(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239710.30, Day 12 of 365 ))
I couldn't sleep. My skull felt like it was hot, burning from within, right over the left eye socket. I'm sure that's related to the eye problems I've been having but I can't really do anything about it.
(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239710.31, Day 13 of 365 ))
I read Benna's letter.
It was really short. All she said was that she understood, that she hoped I got better soon and that she loved me. That was it. But it took me nearly an hour to build up to it; I felt like my heart was going to beat itself out of my chest, and that my antenna were going to twirl around, become little helicopter blades, and carry me away.
But I did it.
I don't know what I feel after reading it. Some kind of strange mixture of... stuff. It wasn't a good feeling. Like I'd let her down and she was vaguely disappointed in me.
But hey. Mikali sh'Shar is disappointing people who care about her. What else is new?
(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239711.01, Day 14 of 365 ))
I'm making this log before I see Carys, just so it's all straight in my head. I've been so fixated on this second meeting I want to get anything out before I can, and while I don't have a lot of thoughts per-se, I'm nervous.
Today is another weird day, feeling flat and emotionless and vaguely tired. I'm not really thinking about the past or the future. I'm just living mostly in the present. I get up, and all I'm thinking about is where my uniform is and to put it on. I get dressed, I'm thinking about what to have for breakfast. I finally decided on hasperat.
Bajoran food and I have a weird relationship. I was first introduced to it in prison on Bajor. And I always oscillate wildly between loving the stuff and hating it. I love the way it tastes, I hate the way it makes me feel because my association with it is one of the worst times of my life. But that shit is so goddamn tasty I don't care, and that first bite always puts a smile on my face.
Accordingly, I can only eat it when I'm feeling good. It's basically a mood barometer. If I'm doing okay, it's hasperat. If I'm not, it's much more bland foods; oatmeal, yamak sauce over beets, tuber roots.
Ever since I got clean again I haven't really eaten hasperat. Maybe once or twice. I've been doing this whole "can't do things that make me feel good" thing, because of this vague idea that I have to be punished for what I've done over my life, and the more I enjoy myself, the less that feels like a punishment. If I feel good, the more it feels like it was okay, what I did.
I'm not sure that's healthy. I might ask Carys about it.
But hey, some good news. Since I'm not feeling anything right now, I feel like I can just eat whatever I want and not have to think about the memories. So I had hasperat for breakfast. A good meal makes me feel better. Then I feel guilty because, you know, I feel like I shouldn't feel good. Is that crazy?
Anyway, today I'm flat again, so whatever. I can chomp down on that hasperat and feel a bit better.
I've never really felt this way before. I've always felt... too much. I feel anger and pain and rage and shame and guilt and... you know, horniness I guess. I have a lot of feelings. I just don't know what this particular feeling is.
In a way, it's kind of like the drugs they give you in rehab. A big relapse trigger for addicts is long bouts of strong emotion; if you're feeling manic, you might think you can indulge and be strong enough to resist it. If you're feeling down, you crave anything that you know will perk you up. So they give you these things that even you out. They help a lot in the beginning.
Still. I hated those drugs. I found they didn't really fix me at all; they kind of just make me lazy. I was still angry, but I was too lazy to do anything about it. I was still manic, but I just wanted to lay in bed. This last week feels like I just chugged a whole lot of them.
<long period of silence>
I should get ready to see Carys.
(( Mikali sh'Shar Personal Log, Stardate 239711.02, Day 15 of 365 ))
Spoke to Carys yesterday. And by spoke to, I meant that I said hello, gave her a week's worth of the stupid logs I've been making, and then told her I un-promised Benna. Then she asked how I felt about that. And then I spent the rest of the hour crying.
It was pretty embarrassing. I dunno what happened. I basically felt nothing all day yesterday, despite the hasperat, and the moment I sat down on Carys' couch out it came. Wah wah wah wah wah.
Carys was pretty patient with my goofy arse. She must get this kinda thing a lot. At least we didn't talk about horrible stuff this time, because we didn't talk about anything. Maybe that's the secret; if you just cry through therapy, they never have the chance to make you confront what you've done! Amazing. Maybe I should have tried this in court. They can't punish me if I'm crying too loud!
I'm a genius.
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