[JP] Commander Valen Carys & Mikali sh'Shar - Uglier Ways (Part II)
Quinn Reynolds
((Counselling Suite, Iana Station))
sh'Shar: "There" is a scared girl running away from her parents, and jumping on board the first ship leaving Andoria that wasn't checking ID. "Here" is a thirty-five-year-old adult with a nine-year-old daughter who is trying very hard to breathe some life back into the shambling, stumbling, zombie-corpse of her career. There's a lot to go over. I can start wherever you like.
It wasn't the question Carys had asked, but that didn't matter. The answer was valuable in its own right, shining a light on the filters Mikali placed on the world, revealing a small glimpse of the processes of her mind. Initial sessions were often all over the place, darting from subject to subject as counsellor and client took their first steps together.
Valen: Wherever you'd like to start. What's the first thing that comes to mind?
sh'Shar: Probably... the program itself. Everyone has been extremely supportive. ::She tittered mirthlessly.:: It's actually been surprising even though it shouldn't have been. I... my boss is great, my co-workers are pleasant, even likeable, and the work is challenging but overwhelming, every single contact I've made so far has been endlessly helpful and supportive and genuine. They don't pity me and I don't feel like a loser. The program doesn't feel like a punishment, and it's not something that I'm wasting my time on. I have a surprising amount of discretion and I feel like I'm making a difference. Being useful. Being... I don't know. Treated as though I have value and my opinion matters. I haven't felt that way in a long time. It feels like...
She didn't know how to say it so just said it.
sh'Shar: It feels like "back in the good old days", when I was a kid, but not how they actually were. Which were awful with occasional bright spots. More like... the memory of those good old days. Hard times with a nostalgia filter applied. Only this time it's real and it's happening and it's right now. ::She smiled.:: It feels good.
Despite the pause, the counsellor said nothing, giving Mikali space to continue the thought without intervention or prompt. And after a few moments, the Andorian's smile faded.
sh'Shar: It feels too good. I need...
She hesitated. Once more, the spectre of being vulnerable reared its ugly head. Habits forced into her as a child, difficult to break even as a woman in her thirties.
sh'Shar: Out there I have to be strong. All the time. I have to work hard, and I have to prove that I'm... that I'm worth the effort people are putting in to try and help me. What I need is a place where I can be vulnerable. Where I can talk about some of the things that I struggle with, but in a controlled, safe environment. I'm hoping you can help me with that.
There was a moment of quiet, while Carys absorbed everything Mikali had said. She glanced down toward the PADD, fingers tapping out a brief note, and then she looked back up to the Andorian. Her head tilted to the side in curiosity, her expression remaining kind, though there was a shrewd glint to her eyes.
Valen: That's very particular language. Is it what you really feel, or what you think I want to hear?
Busted. It was very particular. She thought about her answer for a moment.
sh'Shar: It's language that I learned in rehab. It's just the head-space framework that I... ::She trailed off. Manipulation had come so easy to her, had been her life for so long, that sometimes she slipped into it without knowing.:: Sorry. I'm being... not good. It's... it's just that being in this place puts me back into that place, rehab and counselling before, where I just told people what they wanted to hear. That's not why I'm here.
Valen: Why did you do it?
A good question, and she fought down the urge to deflect.
sh'Shar: It's a survival instinct from too long ago. I needed to be cagey, defensive, protective of myself because that's what seventeen-year-old Mikali sh'Shar needed on a ship full of Ferengi smugglers, and I never really learned to turn it off. I can only... suppress it for a while. Fortunately, these days pretending becomes easier and easier. I don't have to fight so hard to maintain it. But I still slip. I'm sorry.
Valen: You don't need to apologise to me, Mikali. ::She inclined her head with a wry smile.:: I'll always leave our sessions knowing that I've done the best for you I can. In the end, the only person you're sabotaging is yourself.
As always.
The worst thing about Mikali's situation was that; it was ever thus. She had always been provided with every opportunity to not do the bad thing, and had always chosen the bad thing. Now she had an opportunity to change that.
So her request was simple, direct, and plain.
sh'Shar: How do I turn it off so I don't have to pretend?
The Bajoran woman paused for thought; if only it were so easy. But genuine change wasn't easy or quick, ingrained habits replaced with new ones — and most times that required an understanding of where the behaviour came from, not simply what it was. She flicked a glance down at the PADD on her lap before looking back toward her client.
Valen: Let's start with what's changed. What's compelling you to unlearn those old habits now?
Mikali cupped her ice water in her hands, taking a deep breath.
sh'Shar: I got an automated message from Benna's school on Andoria. That's my kid's name. She... is very bright, but—oh, I said something good to Tasha before—she has the smart person's curse. She's smart, Carys. Not just... "good enough for Starfleet", but "good enough to build the Warp XX Engine" smart. Smart enough to be years ahead of her schoolwork and still being bored. How this tiny person shares DNA with me I'll never understand.
Carys' slim fingers darted over the PADD, taking notes without looking. She could have been sharing a coffee with an old friend, from the relaxed way she sat in her chair, stealing sips from her mug, earring swinging with her slight movements. There was an element of her own informal nature there, but more than that, she was adapting to the client; reducing any appearance of being an authority figure that a determined rebel would want to rebel against.
sh'Shar: She was... disciplined by her school. She was right about something and the teacher was wrong, and she got angry. I know why she's upset. She is a tiny smart person trapped in a prison for tiny people. Her other parents get it, but they don't get it. They think she just needs time to "grow out of it" and that it's just a passing behavioural issue, but I know she needs a more stimulating environment, and... and I stupidly promised her we could have her birthday on a starship. ::She curled back her upper lip.:: I promised a lot of things and they were all way, way beyond my reach.
Valen: Why did you do that?
sh'Shar: It's like you said. I self-sabotage. Every chance I get. In this case, I promised something that was way beyond my means. So... here I am. Trying to use post-discharge conduct to have my discharge upgraded so I can reenlist, or get a waiver, or something that will let me keep my promise to her. And on the way... maybe I can actually fix what's wrong with me. So that's why I'm here.
Mikali sipped the water, staring down into the clear glass.
sh'Shar: I don't want to be... the kind of person who ends up doing the kinds of things that I've done anymore. But in my truest heart of hearts I think—no, I know—I'm afraid of that prospect. Terrified. Can people really change? Even if they can, does it even matter, given my record? Am I wasting my time? Do you think that someone like me... has a hope of keeping my promise, of doing any of this?
Valen: I'd be a poor choice for a rehabilitation program if I didn't. ::A small grin hooked at the corners of her mouth, and she tapped out something on her PADD without looking.:: It takes hard work, brutal honesty, and an ability to pick yourself up and carry on when you fail. Because you will. You're unlearning the habits of a lifetime, and that doesn't come without a few stumbles.
Hard work. Brutal honesty. Carry on in the face of failure. A few stumbles. Mikali put all of those things into her brain, processing them one by one.
sh'Shar: Okay. Hard work I can do. Honesty... I can do. ::Her tongue caught on the last one.:: And I think I can accept s-some degree of imperfection in this whole process.
TBC
--
Mikali sh'Shar
Civilian
ReachOut Project
O238704AT0
&
Commander Valen Carys
Anthropologist and Clinical Psychologist
USS Gorkon
T238401QR0