Mikali sh'Shar - Andorian Blues: The Un-Promise, Part II
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David Adams
Nov 13, 2020, 1:00:44 PM11/13/20
to Gorkon
(( YanCo Red Carrier Employee Domicile, Iana Station, Day 7 of 365 ))
Catscratch disappeared back over the lip of her bunk. Mikali turned her mental attention toward the letter. To do this was going to be the hardest letter she had written in her whole life, and she had written a lot of hard letters. But she summoned whatever was left in the tank of her self-discipline and courage, and just spoke whatever came to her mind first.
sh'Shar: Computer, begin composition. ::She paused, gathering her strength.:: Dearest Benna, I know things have been hard for you at school lately, but I need to inform you of changes in my circumstances that...
She waved her hands dismissively, as though clearing away the bad words from the air between bunks.
sh'Shar: Too formal. Computer, delete and restart.
The computer chirp-warbled obediently, deleting the letter and restarting.
She couldn't think of anything right away. Maybe it would help to stand. She slid out of bed and paced the room.
sh'Shar: Hey, kid. Got some bad news. Sorry. Party is a bust. My bad... no, no, too casual. Computer, delete and restart.
Catscratch's ear twinged in annoyance. She pulled the covers up a bit higher over her head.
sh'Shar: Benna, I know things are hard for you, but I spoke to one of the station counsellors about your birthday party, and she said that I need to...
No. She was passing the blame onto someone else. The deflection was subtle, but it was there. Abrogation of the true cause.
sh'Shar: Computer, delete and restart.
Catscratch: ::Mumbling,:: Trying to sleep here.
sh'Shar: Benna, I've been thinking about your birthday party, and I don't know if I can promise anything for you right now, because I am a loser and a screwup and space trash, and...
Too self-flagellating.
sh'Shar: Computer, delete and restart.
sh'Shar: Hi Benna, I was thinking about your birthday party, and I have a better idea! Why don't we have it on Iana station? We can go have ice cream, and...
Obsfication. Bargaining.
sh'Shar: Delete and restart. Benna, I regret to inform you that the USS Gorkon was lost with all hands this morning. The warp core breached and the ship is gone. The ship's logs show that a Trill clogged the intakes of the warp coolant tubes with bacon. Then, ka-boom! Not enough left of the crew to fill even a single torpedo tube. Sucks to be them!
Catscratch guffawed quietly.
sh'Shar: Delete and restart. Hi, Benna, I think we need to be realistic about your birthday party, because honestly, good things in our lives are hard to come by, and as you get older, you should prepare for disappointment...
No, no.
sh'Shar: Delete and restart. Dear Benna, I wish I could be the parent that you think I am, but I can't—
More flagellation.
sh'Shar: Hey Benna, party's off. It's Catscratch's fault.
Catscratch: Hey! That's not funny!
Catscratch threw off the covers and sat up in her bunk.
Catscratch: Look, Mikki, you suck at this.
Normally she would have been annoyed by the Caitian's rudeness, but she just felt nothing.
sh'Shar: Thanks. That really helps.
Catscratch: Try this. ::She cleared her throat, like a cat hacking up a furball, then wiped her nose down.:: Computer, begin recording. Hey, Kiddo. Hope school was better for you this week. I know things are hard, but you know I'm here for you, and I love you. I think about you every day. ::She paused, scratching at her chin, squinting as though in thought, as though "pretending to be Mikali".:: I want to talk to you about the birthday party on a ship. I can't keep that promise. You deserve to know as soon as I knew. The reason is that I'm sick. I'm sick and it's taking me a long time to get better. Getting well is going to be a long journey for me, and you're always in my thoughts as I get closer and closer to the end, but I always want promises from me to be something you can rely upon. I'm sorry it couldn't be that way. I know you're doing your best at school, and I'm doing my best over here to get better. We're both going to have to try real hard. No matter what happens, we will do something good for the occasion, and I love you as much as anyone can. I'll talk to you soon, Mum.
Accountable. Honest. Specific, but not self-pitying or fishing for sympathy.
sh'Shar: That was... surprisingly good.
Catscratch: Yeah, I got really good at disappointing people I care about. Glad I could teach you what I know. ::She slumped back into her bed and pulled the covers over her head.:: Now go to sleep, for godsakes.
Mikali tinkered with the letter, adjusting an occasional word, but every change seemed to make it worse, so she sent it verbatim.
Then there was only one more thing to do.
sh'Shar: Computer, record Mikali sh'Shar personal log entry for today's stardate.
The computer warbled to indicate it was recording.
For a moment nothing came to mind. She thought about giving a long, detailed account of what happened in the day and her thoughts on the next counselling session—specifically that she was dreading it like a cat feared water—but nothing really came out.
sh'Shar: I sent the letter.
That was all she could manage today.
sh'Shar: Computer, end recording, lights off.
Chirp-chirp. The lights dimmed down to sleeping levels.
Mikali crawled into her lower bunk and wrapped the sheets and blankets around her, and expected that she would cry like a baby, but she didn't. No tears. She just laid there in the dark, replaying the day over and over in her head, a thousand images floating back into her mind; the past, the future, real and imaged. Picking the pockets of the dead, feeling the squish of their decaying body under their uniform. Benna reading her mail and being upset. Prying phaser rifles out of hands stiffened by death. Blowing up Vaadwaur Assault Ships in the depths of space. Cheating on S'Acul. Xhard screaming at her to get undressed because she was a fee-male and her refusing, threatening to settle the matter with her disrupter. A piece of metal from the Independence's shattered helmsman's console slicing out her eye. Being beamed into space and dying peacefully. Watching Alleran's mirror-universe duplicate shoot the real him in the spine. Losing her "blue-ie" finger. T'tala plunging a spear into her back on Eden.
Benna being proud of her, and growing up into a beautiful, strong, wise, brave, smart young woman who took care of her mother in her old age. The nightmare that was the first few days of rehab. Being arrested by Bajoran police. Stabbing a total stranger in the face with her Ushaan-tor, just because she could. Crying at Karynn Brice's hen's night. Putting a phaser to her head and pulling the trigger, disintegrating herself into ash. Plotting against Captain Vetri with Commander Umas on Eden. Being drunk on duty. Swearing at Doctor Velana. Counselling with S'peek Avandar. Having sex with Xhard in a weapons locker. The relapse. Biting a prison guard. Blowing up a transport full of Romulan refugees.
Some real, some fiction, her mind wandered between truth and lies, struggling to tell the difference. There was some plausibility in every untruth, some fiction in every clear memory. It all didn't matter in the end.
Catscratch's head poked down from above the top bunk, the movement drawing Mikali's eyes to hers.
Catscratch: Hey. Sorry. You okay?
sh'Shar just returned to staring off into nothingness and didn't answer.
Like the lithe cat she was, Catscratch slid down from the top bunk, crouching in front of Mikali's bed.
Catscratch: Are you a relapse risk?
That question shocked her out of her torpor enough to warrant actual introspection and balance. She sat up in bed.
sh'Shar: Why would you ask something like that?
Catscratch: It's just something they mentioned in the orientation material. ::She squinted slightly.:: Yes, I read it, don't look so surprised.
Mikali wasn't aware she looked surprised.
sh'Shar: What about it?
Catscratch: Just stuff. What you're doing now. Being all weird. Sudden changes in behaviour and mood. Absent behaviour, like you're here, but you're not really here. Emotional voids.
That described her fairly well, but Mikali knew one thing very sincerely, down to her bones.
sh'Shar: I'm not at risk.
Catscratch: Sure? Because you look like garbage.
sh'Shar did the same thing she'd done in Counsellor Velan's office, pulling her knees up to her chest.
sh'Shar: Sure. Because the... Dominion. They engineered ketracel-white to ensure the loyalty of a warrior race bred for battle, capable of ignoring grievous injuries and terrible pain in order to keep fighting. The withdrawal from that was so severe, so agonizing, that it was designed to be impossible to endure; the pain would break these titans of war and force them into compliance. In its powdered form, it's less potent I think, but still... it gets you all the same.
Catscratch: ::Slowly,:: Okay.
sh'Shar: I beat that. Twice. If that experience was a seven out of ten on the pain-o-meter, then this... ::She chuckled grimly.:: This is a four.
The Caitian's big yellow eyes stared at her from the dark void that was her face.
Catscratch: So what I'm getting from this is that there's a risk.
Was there? Was there...
sh'Shar: I know how it seems, and thank you for checking on me, but I'm being straight with you: things would have to be a lot worse for them to get that bad.
The Caitian's yellow eyes blinked sceptically.
Catscratch: ::Mumbling,:: Okay.
sh'Shar: But I'm still in a lot of pain.
Catscratch tilted her head, eyes narrowing slightly.
Catscratch: Let me try something. Just don't make it weird.
sh'Shar: O...kay.
Slowly, Catscratch crawled into sh'Shar's bunk, turning around and wiggling in against her. The Caitian arched her back, then relaxed, her fur puffing out, becoming thick and luscious and snuggly. It was like having a living, warm, snuggly blanket to cuddle with.
And then, just to top it off, after a few moments, Catscratch started purring, a low rumble like an idling warp drive.
Mikali could see how it would "get weird", but the simple action was surprisingly soothing. She wrapped her arms around her friend, smooshing her face into the back of Catscratch's neck. It reminded her of the time she drifted off after watching the triathlon. Catscratch was just so fuzzy and soft, and she'd always liked the way Caitians smelled. Soft and musky and comfortable.
sh'Shar felt the stress of the day, the tension in her body, drain out of her, and while her emotional senses didn't return, she at least felt nothing-and-calm, rather than nothing-and-tense.
Soothed by Catscratch's gentle purring, Mikali drifted off, the pain she was feeling soothed not by hyposprays and drugs, but just a little physical contact.
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