[JP] Commander Valen Carys & Mikali sh'Shar - Uglier Ways (Part IV)
Quinn Reynolds
((Counselling Suite, Iana Station))
sh'Shar: I'm sure you know I was arrested for being part of a crew that was smuggling ketracel to the Dominion. I knew what we were doing and I knew it was wrong, but I... always felt like I was only doing what I was told. I always told myself, "I'm only doing this to avoid going back to my parents", and, "well, at least it's not weapons". On that point the DaiMon agreed with me. Even Xhard, that greedy small-lobed moron had the foresight to see that selling weapons to people trying to enslave you was not going to end well.
It was the subtlest of shifts. A small inhale from the Bajoran, the muscles in the front of her neck prominent, jaw tightening. Otherwise her expression didn't vary; the polite, professional interest of a counsellor, attentive to her client. Certainly not a Dominion War veteran stamping down on her own surge of emotions at the tale she was being told.
sh'Shar: It was where we got that last haul from that was the problem. ::she fidgeted with her hair:: Normally we would ship our product from production facilities on Devos II to wherever the Dominion needed it. Normally. This time, however, Xhard had... gotten word that there had been a big battle on some nameless moon. He heard that the Starfleet forces there had won but withdrawn soon after because they had a higher than expected number of casualties. I guess he expected there to be lots of white, just laying around for the picking, so... we went there instead of Devos II. The change in our route was probably why we got caught in the end, because we didn't know as clearly where the sensor buoys were, and probably tripped one.
Mikali's voice dropped, wincing as she recalled the memory.
sh'Shar: We... found the battle site pretty easily. The Jem'Hadar had performed one of their famous frontal assaults, right into the entrenched Starfleet positions, so there were plenty of bodies for us to pick over. But what we didn't realise, until we arrived, was that the Starfleet personnel hadn't gotten out either. They'd both been wiped out.
sh'Shar: So... so me, and the others, were given the task of... ::she could barely say it,:: "battlefield salvage". Essentially searching the bodies for anything valuable.
Her face carefully schooled, Carys' fingers curled around the edge of her PADD, knuckles white. No notes were taken while she listened to the story, silent and still.
sh'Shar: It was horrible work. The smell. I still remember the smell. Whatever moon that was was hot, basically a giant desert, and the battlefield stank. Stank like nothing you'd ever imagined. They'd been there for days. Just rotting out in the open. But the crew... we did our jobs. We took the white, weapons, anything that was valuable and stored it in the main hold. We had enough to get through the whole war, if we were smart. Then I—I did something very stupid indeed.
sh'Shar: I took out my little disruptor pistol and I insisted to the DaiMon that we were going to bury the bodies. Jem'Hadar, Starfleet alike. Equally. We could take their stuff, that was fine, but I just did not want to leave them there. I didn't care about what side they were. Everyone felt guilty. All the crew. Terribly guilty. So they supported me.
sh'Shar: Surprisingly, Xhard backed down. He agreed to let us bury them. So we did. ::she snorted:: We dug for a full day in the blazing sun, we had a little ceremony and everything. I used my disrupter to carve them little tombstones, even though we didn't know their names, so we just put a symbol on them for Starfleet, and a symbol on them for Dominion. I put in a lot of effort. Everyone did. Even though the Dominion or the Federation could have shown up at any time and neither of them would have been happy to see us, we still did it.
sh'Shar: I was pretty sure he was going to space me the moment we got back to the ship, but he didn't. Basically pretended like it had never happened. I think even Xhard's tiny, blackened heart couldn't stand what we'd done, so he pretended to huff and puff and get offended, but he was secretly glad.
Mikali inhaled softly, looking at the floor. Carys took the opportunity to take and release a slow, deep breath, easing the tension out of her shoulders. She reached for her raktajino, only to find it already empty, and returned it to the small side table.
sh'Shar: So that's it. That's the worst thing I've ever done in my life. I've never told anyone before you.
Valen: How does it feel?
sh'Shar: ::Softly,:: Terrible.
The Bajoran nodded and took a few moments to gather herself. Her eyes were stormy, a hurricane going on in the mind behind them. She'd let herself in for this, knowing Mikali's history, but she hadn't expected it to be quite so... Dismissing the thought, she rubbed forefinger and thumb along the silvered links of her earring, taking comfort in the paraphernalia of her faith.
Valen: That's one of the ironies of counselling. ::She found a kind smile, but perhaps it was a little thinner than before.:: It's not unusual to leave a session feeling worse than you came in. The nature of it means we're going to dig through things that are difficult or make you uncomfortable, and it takes time to process. Think of it like exercise; the muscles are sore for a while afterwards, but they heal and strengthen in the long run.
Mikali digested that for a moment.
sh'Shar: I've heard that before. "Pushups for your emotional wellbeing". I know. It's... good to be reminded.
Another smile from the counsellor and she looked down at her PADD. The screen filled with her notes, many hilariously misspelled as she had put them to screen in shorthand and without looking. She'd need to write them up to sort through what they'd discussed that day and identify the priorities for later sessions, but there was one thing that stood out more than any other.
Valen: I'd like to go back to something you said earlier; there's nothing wrong with wanting or looking for atonement. There're a lot of recovery programs where an attempt to make amends is a core part of the process. The difficulty some people have is that they don't get to choose the form it takes. How you want to make amends isn't necessarily what needs to be done.
sh'Shar: Whatever it takes, it takes. As long as it only affects me.
Valen: All right. In that vein, let's talk about Benna. I'd like you to think about what she really needs. Is it helpful for a young girl to have one parent—who isn't there, who doesn't have a relationship with her educators— to act as though she's the only one to truly understand her challenges? Is a grand gesture like a birthday party on a starship going to help her to overcome her problems at school?
There was no judgment in her voice as she spoke; only offering prompts for Mikali to chew on. Then the counsellor paused, giving her client a few moments to process the rhetorical questions.
Valen: I'm going to ask a tough question, and I don't want you to rush your answer. But you need to be honest with yourself; were your promises about helping Benna, or were they more about the way you want her to see you?
Mikali spent some time thinking about it, seconds ticking away, as she squeezed her knees to her chest. She searched her brain for the truth, to find out exactly what it was that she wanted, down to her bones.
When she finally answered, it was with slow, deliberate words that, she hoped, made it clear that this was what she really felt.
sh'Shar: What I... want. ::Her voice became a scratchy whisper.:: What I want is for Benna to never have to feel as though her best chance at survival is to fish through the pockets of a dead Vulcan to see if he had any latinum because the alternative to doing that and going home is actually worse.
She squeezed her knees so hard that her fingernails dug into the cloth. Across the room, Carys' gaze dropped, and she ran her fingers along her hairline, tucking non-existent stray strands behind her ear.
sh'Shar: I used to be good once. ::Mikali's low, hollow laughter rang around the room, as though doubting the veracity of her own memory.:: It's unbelievable, I'm sure, after that story I told, to hear that. I certainly don't look or talk or act like one and haven't for some time. I scarcely believe it myself sometimes. But it's true.
Valen: Good and bad are rarely absolutes, Mikali. Everything has context. Framing yourself as "once good" and "now bad" was probably a way to give yourself permission to make poor choices. A self-fulfilling prophecy, of a kind.
That was absolutely true. She knew that was exactly why she did it, but at the same time, in her mind, people were the sum of their actions and intentions. Her actions were poor, intentions often equally so.
sh'Shar: Benna sh'Shar is not like that. Her brain works. She would never, could never, do the things that I've done. She is smart, and wise, and funny, and perceptive, and good. And I don't need to convince her that I'm a good person because she already thinks that. Because she wasn't alive when I was... bad. Correction, when I was worse.
Valen: She doesn't know anything about your past?
TBC
--
Mikali sh'Shar
Civilian
ReachOut Project
O238704AT0
&
Commander Valen Carys
Anthropologist and Clinical Psychologist
USS Gorkon
T238401QR0