Mikali sh'Shar - Andorian Blues: The Un-Promise, Part I
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David Adams
Nov 13, 2020, 8:00:41 AM11/13/20
to Gorkon
(( OOC: Rolled a d20 to see how sh'Shar feels after counselling... ))
(( Corridor, Iana Station, Day 7 of 365 ))
Pain. The kind of pain that could not be soothed with hyposprays.
In Mikali sh'Shar's life, she had felt some of the most powerful, chemically induced highs that Andorians could feel, and their twirling dance partner, the crushing, despairing lows. Her post-counselling haze was neither. sh'Shar's feeling was neither bad nor good. Instead, her heart was beset by a hollow emptiness where all feeling was syphoned away, where she was alone.
Counselling. Nobody had told her it would get this bad this fast. Her brain felt like raw meat, scraped and beaten and reshaped. Bruised, confused, in desperate need of rest.
Glassy-eyed and weak, she dragged her feet all the way back to her dorm. She'd promised the good counsellor that she would un-promise Benna her party, but that paradox tumbled over in her mind. What was the point of promising to break another promise? Were promises so flexible now that only the most recent one applied? Was not the whole point that they could not be undone?
It was all for a good reason, of course, but she still felt like a hole had been punctured in her soul and all the energy had slowly drained out. All the ability to emotionally regulate that she had been taught in rehab. Her body was a big dumb blue zombie shuffling itself back to its quarters to eat someone's brains. All for a good cause. All this pain and suffering and confusion and anguish was all for the ultimate good of herself.
She had to believe that. Told herself over and over, even as her internal voice became hoarse and frail.
Home. All she wanted to do was to go home. So tired, an ache in her bones, an ache in her heart, a profound emptiness that intensified as she drew closer to her shared quarters.
As she got close, she could hear arguing.
One-Joke: I'm not sure what the problem is.
Catscratch: Ugh. The branding is wrong, that's what!
Catscratch and One-Joke were standing in the door of their quarters arguing (reasonably politely) about some nonsense. Mikali ambled up, squinting at both of them.
Catscratch turned toward her, her fur puffed out with frustration.
Catscratch: You agree, right?
sh'Shar: What?
Catscratch groaned in frustration, reaching up and scrubbing the back of her head.
Catscratch: These quarters are YanCo branded, but YanCo is a holding company. It doesn't actually run anything. The people sponsoring this program are Red Carrier, which is a YanCo subsidiary. It's the wrong company!
This was, by far, the most pedantic argument she'd ever heard and she had absolutely no mood for it.
sh'Shar: Okay.
One-Joke rolled his eyes dramatically, but there was a playful smile on his face too.
One-Joke: I'll contact the engineering teams to change the branding if that will make you happy. This is the first time we've run this program, there are bound to be hiccups like this.
That seemed to satisfy Catscratch. She relaxed, giving a broad, cat-like smile.
Catscratch: Neat. Thanks, love.
Mikali waited patiently for the doorway to be clear.
One-Joke seemed ready to go, but turned to Mikali before he did, concerned.
One-Joke: You okay?
(( Roll: 10. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be. ))
Mikali had been good all throughout counselling. Despite numerous temptations, she had not told a single untruth. Everything had been as complete and accurate as she could make it, omitting nothing, with the full and complete context of each statement. She had even volunteered information where it would have been reasonable to withhold it.
The dragging of the truth out of her had hurt like branding irons, and the truth had unquestionably done serious damage to her ability to appeal the ruling with the Justice on Andoria. Valen, no doubt, was preparing up a little report about all the wicked things she had done—calling her a looter, a liar, a thief and a person utterly beyond any help, who was barely suitable for civilian life in the most tolerant and diverse society the galaxy had ever known, let alone the pseudo-military life of Starfleet.
She thought the truth would free her, but instead, it had been the iron seal on her fate. Valen had been right about one thing: self-sabotage might as well be Mikali's middle name.
Everything had fallen apart and she hadn't even gotten to the most painful part. Which was deliberately, and with care and specificity, disappointing her daughter and throwing away the primary motivator for herself. Trashing the reason why she was here, the reason why she had chosen to pick up the pieces of her shattered career, of her broken life, of her chipped and useless... self.
As bad as today had been, the worst was yet to come. But that thought was just an ethereal gossamer, vague and ill-defined.
She was neither high nor low. Neither drowning into the black nor floating off into the sky. Mikali simply felt flat. Empty. Existing on a plain white void of nothing. And when there was nothing, there was no incentive to do anything other than revert to her most basic instincts and urges.
So, finally, with all she had accomplished today, with every ounce of her ability to project and be tough and be strong utterly consumed, she permitted herself one little lie.
sh'Shar: I'm fine.
He clearly didn't accept that answer, but either One-Joke knew about the counselling appointment and expected her to be out of sorts afterward, or simply sensed that Mikali needed space. Either way he smiled.
One-Joke: Okay. Well, feel free to reach out to me if you need anything. You know we're always here if you need anything. ::He waved goodbye, then turned and left.::
"Always here". Carys had said the same thing.
With the doorway clear, Mikali shuffled inside, then stepped into the walk-in robe to change into casual clothes. Just whatever she could pull off the shelf. By the time she had gotten out, Catscratch was already in bed. Not asleep, just being lazy, her tail draping down out of her upper bunk.
Catscratch: Hey, where were you after work today?
Mikali shuffled over to her own bunk, sinking into it slowly, precisely, laying on her back and staring up at the bottom of Catscratch's bed.
sh'Shar: Counselling.
Catscratch: You went to counselling? Willingly? Blech, why? ::she squinted:: It's not mandatory, you know that, right? ... ::suddenly concerned:: is it?
sh'Shar: It's not mandatory. I just... had to go.
Catscratch stuck out her tongue.
Catscratch: Well, whatever floats your boat, but for me, it's a hard pass. If I wanted to get told how much of a terrible person I am, I'd just call my Dad.
Valen's words drifted back to her. Recovery doesn't come on a schedule, and it's not a side-effect of pursuing another goal. She had to be there, in that place, in that physical room and in the program, for herself.
But hearing it again in her mind's ear didn't provoke any real response. No anger. No fear. No sadness. Just nothing.
sh'Shar: Sorry.
She took a deep breath. Trying to force out more words. She would need them.
sh'Shar: I have to tell Benna I can't make that promise to her.
Catscratch: Wait, you mean the party? ::she poked her head over the side of her bunk:: Your counsellor said that?
sh'Shar: Yes.
Catscratch blew out a short raspberry that sounded like a combination between a wet splatter and a cat's hiss.
Catscratch: Wow, that sounds wrong and dumb. Why?
Mikali was reminded of an ancient Terran proverb: "Attach your own oxygen mask before assisting others." She couldn't help someone else if she, herself, was not in a safe and secure position herself, because disaster (in the metaphor, hypoxia) could set in faster than anyone expected, and then she could spin out and make herself a liability. Then there would be two people in danger. And putting Benna in danger was simply something she was unwilling to do.
But explaining this would take too long.
sh'Shar: I have to.
Catscratch: Why?
sh'Shar: I just do.
Catscratch rolled her eyes dramatically.
Catscratch: Okay. Break your promise if you want. Do whatever other bone-headed, blue-butted, Andorian nonsense you want. I'm just going to go to sleep. Just try to be quiet.
sh'Shar's antenna twitched.
sh'Shar: I'll try.
tbc...
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