[JP] Mikali sh'Shar & Commander Valen Carys - There Is No Coming to Consciousness Without Pain (Part II)
Quinn Reynolds
((Counselling Suite, Iana Station))
The “No, but” sh’Shar in the wild. What... would that look like? Mikali hesitated before answering, quiet for a moment, her fingers idly drumming on the PADD on her hip, as though the device contained the answer.
sh’Shar: The average day for butt-less sh’Shar. Sitting down would be hard. ::She waggled an antenna at the joke.:: But, um.
Mikali knew she was stalling for time, trying to process the answer to a question she didn’t prepare for and hadn’t really thought about.
sh’Shar: Looking back at my life, I think... “If you can’t handle me at my worst, well you’re probably most people.” ::Words she’d lived by for decades.:: But I know now that isn’t an acceptable way to be. Me at my worst cost me Benna. S’Acul. People I care about in my life. Me at my worst threw away a perfectly good Starfleet commission. Me at my worst needs to be more... handle-able. I’m always going to have black days, down days, angry days, even days where I’m drifting back to past habits... a little. Bad days will happen, but they have to get better. The sharp edges need to be filed off.
More thoughts zipped around in her head, flashing up and vanishing before they could be fully caught and realised.
sh’Shar: That person... she would probably be consistent and reliable. She would be the kind of person that when people ask her to do something, they have a reasonable expectation that she would do it, or at least make a sincere, genuine, visible effort to complete her task and nobody could blame her if she failed. She would be honest but mindful of the feelings of other people and work to ensure that their dignity was preserved, just as she would like her own dignity to be preserved. She would try to treat people like she would want to be treated, but understand that just because she wants to sometimes be treated a certain way, doesn’t mean everyone else does. She would be brave. And that means doing hard things even when you don’t want to. She would recognise when she is wrong and accept it, taking responsibility for her errors and making amends for them. She would recognise when people are trusting her, depending on her — people like Benna, for example, or her boss, subordinates too maybe — and she would make an effort to earn that trust. ::She paused for a breath.:: Ultimately, the goal was... if she was given a task and failed, the people around her would not immediately think, “Why did I ever think she could do this?”, but instead ask themselves, “Who, or what outside force, caused her to fail?”.
The Andorian shook her head, clearing another thought before it was spoken, her hand stroking along the side of her PADD once more, playing with the hard edge. Fidgeting with it. She wanted to say something, but it felt almost sacrilegious. Illogical blasphemy. But she tried anyway.
sh’Shar: ::In a small voice,:: How do you think I could become that person?
Valen: What’s stopping you?
That question she knew the answer to. Mikali squirmed about, pulling out her PADD and resting it in her lap, screen turned off.
sh’Shar: This.
Mikali almost handed it over then, but her fingers would not release the device. Carys remained where she was, hands still resting in her lap, no insistence in gesture or word that she needed to do so.
sh’Shar: It’s... ::She almost said it but didn’t.:: Well, okay. I’ve been thinking. Happens when I have lots of time to myself. Getting the new eye put in gave me that, a month or so of just... nothing. Sitting around and thinking. Thinking about things. Thinking about my circumstances. Thinking about my life and what I’ve done in it. You know, pretty depressing stuff. Normally.
The counsellor nodded, her dark eyes attentive as she listened to the Andorian explain.
sh’Shar: And I was thinking that... for the first time in a long time, things with me are actually going quite well. Since we last spoke I kept my promise to Tan and ch’Ranni, fixing up a busted Klingon’s ship and sending him on his way. Then I took some time and made the gifts for you, Lieutenant MacFarlane and my roommate Catscratch, to thank them for their efforts in saving my life and helping me get back on track so far. I had the new prosthetic installed. Surgery was painless, and the staff were kind and it took a lot less time than I thought, so that was good too. I helped Catscratch clean up our quarters, which were trashed after she was left alone in them... I called my second-oldest friend Luna and touched base with her, which was good. And then I called my former First Officer and she totally didn’t know who I was. Which was fun. But she gave me good advice. We spoke about stuff, was good. And now I’m back at work full time. ::She took a shallow breath.:: I’ve been keeping up with my duties, I’ve been working on a few things, and I’ve been actually feeling quite well over the last month. I’ve been productive and healthy and, I hope, exercising “good judgement”. So I know it’s hard to understand, but everything is going well, very well, and... that’s the problem.
Carys nodded as she listened, though her eyebrows lifted at the mention of the old first officer pleading ignorance. To the counsellor, it sounded more like a polite lie spoken to avoid an awkward conversation, but it was a conclusion based solely on Mikali’s retelling and not one she wanted to voice. For now, she limited herself to simple questions, small prompts to push the conversation forward.
Valen: How so?
Mikali sometimes got like this, sometimes when things were going well, as they were now. It was less of a mood, more like a collection of moods. Melancholy. Glumness. Pessimism. All independent of her circumstances.
She spoke slowly and precisely, having rehearsed this bit a lot in front of the mirror.
sh’Shar: Okay. You are aware that I tend to be self-destructive. I take courses of action that harm my long-term goals for various reasons. It’s a habit I’m working hard to break. Very hard. That’s basically why we’re here, no?
Valen: In essence.
sh’Shar: Okay. ::She canted her head, antenna drawing in close together.:: You’re on my side, right? ::A pause.:: And by that I mean: you have many numerous interests which must be delicately balanced, but speaking in general terms, your primary goal is my health and wellbeing. And that includes my career, supporting my goals and ambitions, this kind of thing. In broad terms. That’s right, yeah?
A leading question, and one that surprised Carys a little, given the content of their last session. She was a counsellor, not a cheerleader, and her job wasn’t to blindly support Mikali, but to help her find better ways to navigate through her life. And so she paused, pressing her thumbs together before she answered.
Valen: Not necessarily. But go on.
Oh. Well. That was a bit of a surprising statement, and one that obviously deflated the Andorian’s courage somewhat. Perhaps optimistically, Mikali had expected a positive answer to that question. Pressing on, she fiddled with the PADD, forcefully pressing her hands down against it, as though she were trying to stop the thing springing to life and flying around the room.
sh’Shar: So, consider. There is a course of action available to me that would dramatically, negatively, affect my long-term goals, such as appealing my Starfleet discharge, applying for custody of Benna, and even beyond... to anything I want to do in life, civilian or otherwise. It’s probably, objectively, a very stupid course of action that will harm me immensely. Any sane person would call that self-destructive. ::She took a breath.:: But would you recommend that I take this highly damaging course of action, one that any sane self-interested person would advise against if it was, morally speaking... the right thing to do?
Valen: It’s very difficult to talk in general terms. A choice might damage your ambitions in some ways, but it could be beneficial to your long-term wellbeing in others. Part of what these sessions are about is to help you evaluate the choices in front of you and learn to accept and live with those decisions.
The counsellor paused for a moment, letting herself think. It was hard to talk in generalities, sweeping statements didn’t have the nuance needed for individual situations. Confessing a murder would fit Mikali’s broad statements—a decision which would harm long-term prospects, but was the right thing to do—but then so would leaving the program to travel about the galaxy to make personal amends to everyone she’d ever hurt.
And each of those scenarios had a thousand things to consider; could they wait, should they wait, what should be done first, what was the nature of the long-term damage...
Valen: If a decision is "the right thing to do", the satisfaction, healing or growth which comes from making that decision may outweigh the sacrifices made.
A completely understandable, and in fact wise, position.
sh’Shar: That’s... kinda what I’m hoping for, yeah.
Valen: Is there something specific you wanted to talk about?
TBC
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Mikali sh'Shar
Civilian
ReachOut Project
O238704AT0
&
Commander Valen Carys
Anthropologist and Clinical Psychologist
USS Gorkon
T238401QR0