[JP] Mikali sh'Shar & Commander Valen Carys - There Is No Coming to Consciousness Without Pain (Part III)
David Adams
((Counselling Suite, Iana Station))
Mikali digested that response, turning it over in her head like a wet blanket in a clothes dryer. Something specific was indeed rattling around in her blue brain. But if she let it out before she was ready, the damage could be catastrophic. Mikali stumbled over her words as she answered.
sh’Shar: Um, yes. Namely I... had some more questions, actually. For you. They’re about me, so it’s relevant, but I just—I just feel like I need the answers to them. Like I said... did a lot of thinking.
Valen: They may not have answers just yet, but let’s find out.
sh’Shar: Okay. ::She tilted her chin up.:: If one excluded everything that happened in the past, and considered only the Mikali sh’Shar who exists in the future, coming into being at the projected endpoint of this program... do you think that version of me can be, or could be with a bit more work, a good officer? ::She swallowed nervously.:: It’s okay if the answer is “no” or “I don’t know”.
Valen: I can’t answer that. ::She shook her head.:: The premise of the question is faulty. We’re all the sum of our choices and experiences; there is no future Mikali without the past Mikali.
That wasn’t the answer she was expecting either, but it confirmed what she was thinking precisely. And was topical, impactful, relevant to her present situation. Frustratingly correct.
sh’Shar: Okay. Well, um. I know. ::She upturned the PADD, and with a shaking finger, turned it on.:: This is a disclosure waiver. Not signed yet but all ready to go. It basically says that I release all the information we’ve discussed in our sessions, without restrictions, to the purview of the inquiry. It includes everything I told you about the battle site I... “salvaged”. Robbed. Looted. Whatever word you wanted to use. I specifically mention it in the comments. With all the detail I can remember. You can add anything I forgot.
Cautiously, the Andorian offered the device over. Carys refused it with the flat of her palm and a shake of her head, and Mikali took it back.
sh’Shar: Nobody else knows about it except you and I. That has to change because without this information, without an accurate picture of my history, the panel won’t have the information required to make an informed decision. ::She was quiet for a moment.:: The... correct decision.
Valen: I see.
With an explanation made, Mikali was prepared to hand it over again, but didn’t.
sh’Shar: There’s two files. One is that. The second one is blank. ::She bit down on her lower lip.:: Couldn’t think of a way to make it formal, but... consider it a promise to you. It was something Commander T’Lea said when I called her. That is to say, out of all the people I’ve wronged in my life the person I’ve probably made the least restitution to is... Benna. And I don’t even know how I can start to do that from my position, maybe it’s not even possible, but the very least I can do is tell her exactly why I was “sick”. It’ll be phrased in a way that’s suitable for someone her age, but I’m going to do that, too. I don’t need anything for that... I was just going to do it. Somehow.
sh’Shar emitted a dry, mirthless chuckle.
sh’Shar: So now you see. If I do this I’m real screwed.
Valen: If you do this? ::Carys raised her eyebrows, quirking her head to this side.:: Did not it not occur to you to ask me if I would be happy to do this? Which I’m not.
It had never actually occurred to her to ask. She really didn’t know what to say; a lot of her presumptions about how this conversation would go down had proven to be wrong. Mikali tapped her fingers on the PADD nervously, her mood evaporating. Dark thoughts began to spin in her head like distant mocking laughter. Thoughts that had no rational basis but appeared nevertheless, as though conjured by dark magic.
Of course Carys wouldn’t want to present the information at her appeal, because of course Mikali wasn’t going to make it to that point anyway, so why bother? Of course it didn’t matter that Benna was finally going to know why her mother was “sick”, because of course Mikali would never see her again.
She was being strung along. Toyed with. The whole thing was a sick joke. It always had been.
Mikali did her best to push the intrusive thoughts out of her mind, struggling for a moment to keep an even composure.
sh’Shar: Why... wouldn’t you? ::Softly,:: I don’t understand.
Valen: I have several others in my care, the program even more so. If word gets out that a counsellor is talking about the content of their sessions at an appeal panel, it could have a chilling effect. Others we’re trying to help might not be willing to talk openly to their counsellors, and it could affect their health and futures. I have a duty of care to them I can’t breach, even with your permission to disclose.
The Bajoran breathed out a sigh, shaking her head, the fine silver chains of her earring swinging back and forth. Her stomach tied itself in knots, and she knew she needed to make sure she talked to someone soon. A lot of old memories had been dancing through her mind of late, disturbing her sleep and poking their way into her days.
Valen: And I can’t talk about our sessions to protect you. You committed treason, and you looted a battlefield as agents of the Dominion. There’s a strong argument to be made that you were pillaging, and that’s a war crime. There is no statute of limitations on war crimes, Mikali, and your age at the time could be less of a factor. What’s more, the Bajorans, not the Federation, dealt with your actions in the Dominion War. There will be people in Starfleet who would very much like a second bite at the moba fruit, and you could walk out of the appeal and straight into handcuffs. Disclosing that information without a court order would be a breach of my professional ethics, and you’re trying to turn your life around, not head back into prison.
Mikali clutched the PADD close, thinking about what Valen had said. It was all true, of course, and she simply hadn’t considered these problems. There was a bigger picture here; the issues of disclosure were not at all about her motives.
Still. That actually presented another problem for her, or set of problems.
sh’Shar: The other patients are important too. Of course. I’m sorry. I didn’t think.
Valen: Well, ::she smiled, faintly,:: that’s something we’re working on too.
Working on thinking of others. It simply didn’t come naturally to Mikali; her prison psychologist had called it “theory of mind” and he had said it was something for her to work on as well.
sh’Shar: So... ::A vague helplessness swept over her, and she struggled to focus.:: You’re right. I did those things, and I never paid for them, moreover, nobody even really knows I did them. And I could—I mean there’s no evidence so I doubt a conviction would stick, but—yes, it would be a problem.
A sweeping statement that neither of them could be sure of. Especially in old cases, evidence wasn’t always necessary, and they didn’t know if there truly was none. A crew of scavengers pawing over a battlefield and countless corpses, looting their belongings, seemed likely to have left some, somewhere. Perhaps evidence existed but hadn’t been linked to anyone, or without knowing what had happened there, no one had realised what it meant.
Carys lifted a hand, palm open, expressing that uncertainty with a gesture.
Valen: I don’t know. All I know is that it’s a possibility, and conviction or not, it’s hardly the new future you’re hoping to build for yourself.
Completely true, but at the same time...
sh’Shar: ::Flatly,:: Maybe that’s what I deserve then. ::She squirmed nervously on her chair.:: I just want to do the right thing. How else can I make what I did right?
The Bajoran woman drew in a breath, unsure how to answer that. Granting absolution wasn’t her role, or her inclination, nor could she tell Mikali exactly how to find it. She could only act as a guide and a signpost, helping those in her care find what they needed to move on with their lives.
Valen: Let’s take a step back and try to understand a few things. How did you see this making it right?
Time for a little Mikali-logic.
sh’Shar: In a good universe, bad things happen to bad people. I did a bad thing. So a bad thing should happen to me. ::Her antenna parted.:: I don’t really know what I was expecting, I just couldn’t do nothing. Maybe I could have in the past convinced myself that I couldn’t change it, so it was okay to do nothing, but... I don’t know. I picked the only thing I could think of to do. My... resources in this regard are extremely limited.
Mikali’s voice cracked, her composure weakening. She tapped the PADD against her thigh.
sh’Shar: I really thought I was doing the right thing here.
Valen: I know.
TBC
--
Mikali sh'Shar
Civilian
ReachOut Project
O238704AT0
&
Commander Valen Carys
Anthropologist and Clinical Psychologist
USS Gorkon
T238401QR0