PNPC Cmdr. T’Mar- Unforgivable, it’s what I am
Mel S
(( T’Mar’s Quarters, USS Constitution-B))
T’Mar looked at him with a glint in her eyes.
T’Mar: You could have led with that.
She stepped aside to let him in. Unlike when she first faced Jalana upon her return, T’Mar was much less apprehensive about catching up with Cade. He had been straight forward with her and given her the “tough love” so to speak.
Foster: I could have. But conversation is like a dance, and I do enjoy that verbal dance.
T’Mar: Please have a seat ::gesturing:: I was just finishing my meditation when you arrived.
Foster: Thank you.
T’Mar took her own seat, unsure where to begin. It felt like a lifetime ago that she had been confronted for essentially hacking into the medical replication systems to obtain a medication that was a crutch for her.
T’Mar: I am pleased that you are back onboard. When I first returned and Jalana allowed me to stay, I had intended to visit you and Saveron.
She had intended to apologize. To thank them both for saving her life. To show them their efforts had not gone to waste. Now she wasn’t sure the words would suffice.
Foster: I had hoped to be onboard at that time. But life had other plans. Though I am pleased to be able to be here, now.
The look and nod had given her the affirmation she needed. He understood. He saw her.
T’Mar: Life does seem to have a tendency for that.
Foster: You look better. Brighter. More whole. ::he paused, setting the basket that would hold the tea and weighing the loose leaves with clinical precision, before he stayed his hands and looked at her again.:: How do you feel?
T’Mar paused a moment to truly consider her answer. There was a time that she would struggle with such an inquiry, whether because she was at odds with her Betazoid side or because she was hiding her struggles. Now, however, she had been properly treated for her trauma and addiction. Now she understood that emotions weren’t a weakness.
T’Mar: I feel… freed. I do still struggle with accepting how I behaved before. ::she looked Cade in the eyes:: I am truly sorry for how I treated you. I know now that it was for my own good.
Foster: As I said before, I know how it feels. The despair, the hopelessness, the intense need to make things right by doing everything wrong. I even remember the impulsive, unrelenting desire to burn it all down, to do something so horribly destructive that I wouldn’t have to try anymore. I’m not proud of those days. But I’m not ashamed of them. And I don’t think you should be either.
T’Mar nodded appreciatively.
T’Mar: I did spiral more than I was willing to acknowledge at the time, perhaps more than anyone knew. You helped me see that. And when I was ready, it was your words that helped me seek out the treatment. Logically, I know I was unwell. That it was not my normal self that behaved so erratically. But getting treatment doesn’t erase what I did- how I treated others.
She remembered all too well. Fighting with Jalana, both physically and verbally. Using her clearances to replicate the medication herself and arguing with Cade when he caught it. By all rights she should no longer be allowed to serve as a Starfleet officer anymore. Her conduct was definitely unbecoming.
As she reflected, Cade made himself at home to make the drink. She watched him pour and was fascinated with the care he took to get the right temperature and preparation.
Foster: That’s the thing. In the end you have no control over what other people think about you. But you have control over what you think about yourself. Start there. Give yourself some grace.
T’Mar dwelled on his words. Give herself grace?
T’Mar: I’m not certain I know how.
He poured the tea into the cups and handed her one, which she took with a nod of her head. The cup was comfortably warm in her hands and she sniffed the aroma. It didn’t smell quite as she remembered- her nasal suppressant muting it somewhat. It was surprisingly accurate though.
Foster: Here. You’ll have to tell me how the tea measures up.
T’Mar took a small sip and allowed the flavors to develop on her palate before she took a proper sip. She raised an eyebrow, impressed.
T’Mar: It is not terrible.
Foster: Response
T’Mar allowed the smallest hint of a smile show.
T’Mar: I did compliment it. ::she paused:: I have not had this in quite a long time.
Foster: Response
T’Mar drank her tea in silence for a moment, allowing her thoughts to wander back to her past. She knew she could be honest with Cade, but that didn’t mean it was easy. She had only really ever spoken on this in her required counseling sessions and with Jalana on her first day back. It was hard to admit that she was afraid of slipping back into her old habits. That she would never fully forgive herself.
But she also knew that Cade had gone through his own personal struggles.
T’Mar: How long did it take you to ::she hesitated:: to forgive yourself?
Foster: Response
- - -
PNPC Cmdr T’Mar
Intel Officer
as played by:
Lt Eleanor “Ellie” Park, MD
Asst. Chief Medical Officer
USS Constitution-B
A238908T10
NOTE: All thoughts and actions of my character are purely IC and are not a representation of my OOC thoughts and feelings
Discord: melbelle8070
Trillian: justmel118
Player pronouns: (they/them)
Sent from my phone. Please excuse any typos or grammar issues I may have overlooked!