Backsim: JP: Lt. Jack Kessler & Lt. Nesre Salo - "Aftermath" (Part II)
Amanda Nordstrom
((Nesre & Krystal’s Quarters, USS Octavia E. Butler))
Jack trailed off, his voice seemingly escaped him. His eyes darted around in front of him searching for something, anything to help him. He felt pressure building in his chest. His breathing quicking and became shallower by the moment. He had made a grave mistake in his thoughts and the truth be told he realized now that the thoughts he had were not just to keep Nesre or Krystal from worrying while he was off on this mission but was so that they could not talk him out of it.
The realization hit him in his gut as if someone had been standing right in front of him landing a powerful blow to his abdomen.
Kessler: (eyes watering) I told myself I was protecting you and Krystal. (looking around the room) I told myself that by keeping the mission from you, that you would not be worried. (looking back to Nesre) I hid the truth because I didn’t want to be talked out of going after my parents.
Jack stepped back until his back hit the wall and he slid down to a seated position. Collapsing his head into his hands he realized the worst part of his mistake and slowly looked up to make eye contact once more with Nesre. Kessler: (tears starting to fall) I am so sorry that I did not trust you to help me.
Long, slender fingers played over the bowl, but she did not take another bite. Words fashioned in her mind, were tossed aside and replaced with others, only for those to be discarded as well, and it was several minutes before she could finally fashion something coherent.
Salo: Did you find them?
Kessler: (softly, defeated) No.
She nodded gravely. If there was no trace, then his search wasn’t over. They were out there, somewhere. Or, though she refused to say this to his face, if they were dead, evidence of that existed somewhere.
Salo: So what now?
Jack’s mind was reeling too hard at the thought of his betrayal to Nesre and to Krystal, his twisted thought of protection that in fact caused more pain and suffering than he probably knew. What now? Jack looked up to Nesre, but could not form any words to say at that moment. What now was a question he did not know how to answer.
Jack lost eye contact with Nesre as he looked through watering eyes to Krystals bedroom door. Still closed but the child in that room had suffered so much. He held onto the belief his parents were alive even though he had considered the fact that they might not be. Given that there was no evidence either way how could one simply give up hope? How could one give up searching? But yet Jack could not bring anymore pain and suffering to Nesre and Krystal like this again. Why would he? How could he? He was trapped in his thoughts and turned back to Nesre. The beautiful green skin of her cheeks sat under the length of her black hair. Her eyes searched for the answers he was hoping for as well. How could he do anything that would bring pain to her again? Jack slowly looked back to Krystal’s door and then lowered his eyes to the floor. If he loved Nesre and Krystal as he knew he did then he had one choice to make.
Kessler: (very softly) I have to let this go. (beat) You and Krystal are the important things in my life. I need to be here for both of you…not chasing ghosts.
He’d said it out loud. For the first time since their disappearance he’d voice out loud in some context his fear that they were gone. It stung his ears to hear it but in a weird way it felt strangely ok to have said it.
He was right. Jack had more responsibilities on the ship, responsibilities that he had abandoned when he set out to find his parents. Nesre could understand it, but she didn’t like it, though she tried desperately not to let that seep through.
Salo: I don’t want you to think…I don’t want you to resent me for this..
No, no that was not what he’d meant or implied. Nesre was not in any way the reason he’d ever abandon hope that his parents were still alive. He stood from the floor and wall where he sat and moved to the couch quickly, seating himself at an angle to her. Without even thinking he cupped both of her cheeks in his hands and held a pleading gaze with her eyes.
Kessler: This is me, I have to decide what is most important to me and right here, right now I know I made a mistake. I love Krystal and will do anything for her. She is family and I wanted to get her family back, but you Nesre, every moment I was away from you (his hands dropping to her shoulders), every moment haunted me for hiding my feelings and for not being open with you. Every time I thought about getting out of there, it was you and Krystal I focused on. Not my parents.
Jack trailed off as he realized the truth in that sentence. He had in fact always looked to get back to Nesre and Krystal. His thoughts of escape had never been to continue the hunt for his parents, it had always been to get back here to these two women in his life.
Salo: Are you sure about this, Jack?
He had risked life and limb to seek out the whereabouts of his parents - and Krystal’s parents. Like her, the child was torn between understanding and resentment, and that was something he would have to deal with. Despite Krystal’s obvious joy in seeing her adopted brother return, Nesre had no doubt they would both have to work through a series of contradicting emotions.
Kessler: (lowering his hands to cup hers around her bowl) Maybe I have already accepted that fate and just didn’t realize it.
Jack pulled his hands back to his lap. The thought had not really occurred to him until now. Had he somewhere in the deeper recesses of his mind already dismissed ever finding them?
Part of her wanted to protest his withdrawal. The other part was grateful for it. Nesre knew she couldn’t just simply accept things as they were, not after what had happened, but his touch was far too inviting to allow her a clear head. Breathing in deeply and letting it out slowly, she nodded.
Salo: Maybe you have. Or maybe you only think you have. It will take time to process all this.
Jack locked eyes with Nesre again and took in a long slow deliberate breath. She was right, it would take time and time was something he had back with both her and Krystal.
Kessler: (softly) I know.
Licking her lips, Nesre added slowly and cautiously -
Salo: It will take time for Krystal and me as well.
Jack knew that was going to be part of the healing process. Each would have to deal with this and move past it if they were to continue on this path with each other. Jack did not want to push or rush either Nesre or Krystal in any way and would give them as much time to heal as they needed.
Kesser: I want you to take as much time as you need. I will be here. I am not going anywhere, I promise you.
Jack wanted to reach back out and grasp her hands or even her cheeks in his palms. He wanted to let her feel how much he was sorry for the pain he caused and how much he wanted to make it right. His hands started to move but then stopped. He did not want to push her more than she was ready for.
Taking a deep breath, Nesre wanted to believe him, but he had left both of them. Even though she understood the reason why, even though she could sympathise with it, that didn’t change the fact that he’d made his choice and gone without telling either of them. Dealing with that was hard enough for Nesre, but she also knew that Krystal had a tough road ahead of her as well. The initial shock and joy would likely give way to questions and, eventually anger. How would he weather that storm?
Salo: I hear you, but Krystal and I, we’re both going to have to deal with the actions. Sometimes those speak louder than words.
He took her voice in and embraced every syllable that she spoke. Hearing her voice and the words as she said them all while holding her gaze with his own. He felt a racing in his chest and a deepening of his breathing. He was and had truly fallen for Nesre but much harder than he had thought possible. He found his own mind in a new territory and his thoughts were not just of holding and protecting her but of being there with her through anything and everything. Thoughts he’d dismissed years earlier in his pursuit of command and duty.
This was a new and changing feeling that grew stronger and stronger and for him he began to realise why his fear of what pain he had brought was growing so intense. He was scared of losing the one thing sitting right in front of him. The one person that he now truly could say in his heart meant everything to him.
He gained enough strength to gently reach up with one hand and brush a strand of hair hanging over her cheek back behind her ear. Allowing his fingers to gently glide across her cheek.
Kessler: (softly) All I ask Nesre, is that you take your time. I do not want to lose you.
She smiled a little, gently, her expression softening. Nesre didn’t want to lose him, but she also knew she couldn’t take the next step just yet. Too much had happened, a lot of it by Jacks’ own hand. She knew what the next steps would be, both for her and for Krystal, and he had his own path to navigate. The question was, would he really do so with them, or on his own? One path didn’t have room for her. Or Krystal.
Salo: I’m more worried about your sister.
Kessler: (looking towards Krystal’s bedroom door) She’s strong and I will make this up to her as well. (looking back to Nesre) I will make this up to both of you.
The child had lost so much, and for a while, she thought she had lost her adopted brother. With so little family, Nesre wasn’t sure Jack really understood the damage he had inflicted not only on her, but on the child.
Salo: She’s strong, but that doesn’t change the fact that she thought she had lost you too. Eventually, it’s going to come out, and it’s not going to be easy to deal with.
Jack looked back at the door again. No it would not be easy to deal with but he would be there for her and he would make sure he made this up to her. No matter how long it took. Jack looked back to Nesre and smiled a soft and gentle smile.
Kessler: I do hear what you are saying and I know there are going to be some hurdles ahead. For her, for you and for me. I appreciate what you are saying and what you are trying to make sure I understand. Know that I do and I intend in every way possible to correct this.
Nesre nodded and took another deep breath. Did he really understand? People might say they did, but it wasn’t until faced directly with the consequences did they realise they weren’t really prepared. She knew they had entered a ‘honeymoon’ period regarding Jack’s return. Krystal would ride the wave of joy, but eventually, she would come crashing back to reality, and when it did, Jack would be the target.
Salo: And I’m here. I will help both of you through this.
Sitting there listening, Jack watched her facial features move with a grace as she spoke. He watched her eye’s, lips and even her nose in every little movement. So much felt as if it had changed and yet every little detail about her face that he could remember, remained the same in every way.
Kessler: Where do you think I should start with her? Take her off ship, to the arboretum? Just something for the two of us? Salo: Do you think that’s the right course to take?
Kessler: I certainly don’t want to push or rush anything with her but I do not want to let it linger either. That could be just as bad couldn’t it?
Salo: It would be worse.
The aftermath would already be troublesome enough, but to let it lie without addressing it, yes, Nesre knew that was much worse. He was right, he couldn’t push either.
Salo: My recommendation is to do smaller things. Trips are great, but what she needs isn’t you dragging her off to places to see sights and be wowed. What she needs is for you to be present. To be here. In the end, it’s the smaller, every day things that matter the most.
Kessler: I see (beat) I guess that does make sense.
Jack’s eyes drifted back towards the young girls bedroom door as he thought about ‘everyday things’. Things that he and his parents did together that for all intents he had taken for granted. Things that were just an everyday happening that he cannot have with them any longer. He had always valued time with his parents but now felt that he had not appreciated the time in a way it should have been. He would not do that with Krystal, time was important and more so now that he understood how frail time and life really was.
****
Lieutenant Jack Kessler
Chief Tactical Officer
USS Octavia E. Butler
T239901JK1
&
Lt. Nesre Salo
Counsellor
USS 'Oumuamua
M239008AD0