Lt. Cmdr. Lhandon Nilsen - My Delayed Reply
Lhandon Nilsen
(( Executive Officer's Quarters, Deck 3, USS Octavia E Butler ))
He pulled the chair closer, Tox’s old chair, in Tox’s old quarters, the ones he still hadn’t redecorated, his own things still in boxes.
The morning that followed, Nilsen would oversee the certification of a bunch of the lower deckers, plus one enlisted from Lohkina. In some ways, he found himself liking this version of himself: the crew were happy, and he took joy in looking after them and making sure they had what they needed. He liked how much calmer he seemed to have become. On any self-assessment form he'd have ticked 'settled,' and he liked that he was becoming a damn good first officer.
Yet Lhandon often found himself, without intending to, in a state of duality. There was the juxtaposition between his newfound calmness and his anger, and between his public and private life. He liked his public life, and Lhandon preferred that. He was slowly becoming the Lhandon he wanted to be, someone who was there for the crew, but internally, in his own thoughts, he was a mess.
The excitement of the awards was over. It was 2 am. The ship was quiet, peacefully stirring.
o0 You there, braco? 0o
Maybe hoping his abilities would make a connection, he cast the thought out across the lightyears, the way he had a hundred times since the night Tox slipped away. Part of him hoped that, when the connection was made, his abilities would just tell Tox everything he wanted to say in one go.
The 2 am reply to Tox’s letter would have to do.
(( Comm Relay. Personal · Encrypted: ToxLhando 559 ))
RECIPIENT: Toxin Arlill - Whereabouts Unknown, last seen Deep Space Nine
SENDER: Lhandon Nilsen. Executive Officer & Senior Diplomatic Officer, USS Octavia E. Butler.
Tox,
You waited until I was asleep after a mission. I was dead to the world after being awake for 48 hours with that damned AI that wanted to kill us. You slipped out. You set your goodbye to land once you were three hours away at warp nine so that your little Braco couldn’t run after you. Clever, very you, and very, very cruel.
I never answered that first letter; I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I need you to know that because I’m sure you’re out there waiting for it. How does a person even respond to that? So take this as a reply to the second one, the one you set on a timer from DS9.
"You forget, I was a comms officer too." No, Braco. I didn't forget. I just never thought you'd aim that trick at me.
I started this letter eleven times. The first nine were furious. You'll be glad to hear I deleted those. Mostly.
But even with my teeth clenched, I understand. You gave me an order, your last as my superior officer, and it was the same damned thing you always do, putting yourself between me and the fall. She's your Matra. If it were my Matra out there, no order in the fleet would have held me either, and you know it. So I'm not angry that you went. Preboha, I think you were even right to.
What I’m so damned angry about is that you didn’t say it to my face. You let the computer do your dirty work for you because you couldn’t trust me not to follow. And you know the second most cruel part was that you were right about it.
The cruellest part: you’re not even alone. You took Miash with you, a damned good nurse, and I’m the one rattling around your old quarters at two in the morning. Do čerta, Tox. I told you I'd deleted the furious drafts. I lied.
And then, while I sat here being angry at you, Eli went and died.
Yeah, read that again, because I had to again and again!
Elijah Kovacs is dead.
A letter from his deathbed: "It's me," like no time had passed. Aay told me the rest, after I'd finished shouting questions at the guy. Some radiation from a weapon, Tox, they used it as a weapon. It just soaked into him, destroyed him from the inside, and no one could do anything. By the time the letter got to me….
I sat in this damn room and read a dead man tell me his heart never left mine, tell me to let love be louder than fear. Damned easy line to write when you aren't the one left in the silence after.
So count them, braco: in a single month, I lost the man I loved, and I couldn’t even watch my best friend fly off because you went when I was asleep!
I miss him, Tox.
Funny, isn't it. You did to me exactly what I did to him last year.
I got that XO chair that you swore I earned. I said yes to the offer right away, and you’ll be glad to know that I love this crew. I will protect this crew and do anything they need, and I have not felt this alone since I was a cadet.
But that’s good because I put everything into that crew. The damned anger I am feeling right now and putting into this page, my crew gets the best energy from me, the crew that you left me. That energy, too, will go to the Zet who you asked me to turn “enemies into friends”, and to be the diplomat you swear I am.
Yeah, I’ll just do that, because every violet shirt wakes up one morning and decides to break a peace deal between two powers, so every table I talk my way onto is one more road that might bring your mama home.
You said not to chase, fine, Nech je po tvojom. I'll out-talk them instead. That's my arena, after all. You said so yourself, you smug somár.
So hold up your end, braco. Drinks when you’re home, and all the rest of it.
Vráť sa domov, braco. Prosím.
And this time I’m not deleting it.
LJ Nilsen
He hit the send key and sat back; the silence in him was still only silence. Lhandon was put away again; in the morning, the crew would get the Lhandon he preferred.
On the side, he saw the one thing he had unpacked: a whole pile of photographs. There was one of him, Saa, Morro, Loq, Caras, Saa, and Halloway on the freighter the Vulpine Duo, on its way to DS14. Another showed him with Toxin and Vomek outside the same ship, back when it had been called the Foxy Lady. He brought out an old image of him and Eli, one of the few times Eli had been able to get Lhandon to dress smartly off duty. There were pictures of Maxwell, Greaves, Herrick, Promotory, and all the adventures they had been on, and he wondered when he had stopped taking pictures
[End]
Lieutenant Commander Lhandon Joseph Nilsen
Executive Officer & Senior Diplomatic Officer
USS Octavia E Butler
O240007LN1
He/Him/His (Both player and character)