Lieutenant Commanders Lael Rosek & Toryn Raga: Who We Are After, Part II
Lael Rosek
((Deck 3, Raga’s Quarters, USS Atlantis))
Toryn met her gaze and held it for several silent moments, she wasn’t wrong. He’d joined Starfleet to prove he could make a difference. To prove he wasn’t broken. Could stay on the Branch. Could be a good Al-Leyan. And yet, after all that he’d endured the past two years on Atlantis, all those he’d seen hurt because their enemies didn’t have the same reservations. He’d had to kill before joining Starfleet and after being held by the Consortium and tortured for no reason other than they could had hardened him.
Raga: Same kiel mi. Sed se estas unu afero, kiun mi lernis eĉ antaŭ aliĝi al Stelfloto, estas tio foje. Vi devas mortigi aŭ esti mortigita. Kaj se ĝi okazos inter mi aŭ tiuj en ĉi tiu ŝipo, aŭ tiuj, kiujn mi zorgas pri ili. Vi povas esti tiel certa, kiel la Ventoj, ke mi faros kion mi devas, por certigi, ke ili neniam pli dolorigos iun ajn! (As did I. But if there's one thing I've learned even before joining Starfleet is that sometimes. You have to kill or be killed. And if it comes between me or those on this ship, or those I care about and them. You can be as sure as the Winds that I'll do whatever I have to to make sure they don't hurt anyone ever again!)
Tears pooled in his eyes at his outburst and he sank back into the chair, reflexively rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. The place where the Romulan mind probe had been removed. Though it had been useless on him, the scar was still a reminder of what had been done to him.
Rosek: ::expression softens and she sighs:: Estas bona linio, Toryn. Kiam ni transiros ĝin, kio restas tio plibonigas nin ol la homoj per kiuj ni klopodas protekti niajn karulojn? (There's a fine line, Toryn. Once we cross it, what's left that makes us any better than the people we're trying to protect our loved ones from?)
Toryn glanced up at her, his head tilted downward the way it was gave him an almost cruel expression.
Raga: Mi ne parolas pri malvarma sango-murdo Lael. Sed eĉ en Stelfloto ni konstante mortigas. Eĉ en mem-defendo ĝi ankoraŭ mortigas. (I'm not talking about cold blooded murder Lael. But even in Starfleet we kill all the time. Even in self defense it's still killing.)
Toryn felt a sharp peck at the back of his head and he winced slightly as well as jumped a little as Sylara snapped him out of the train of thought he was on. Since the bird was able to hear his thoughts she knew he was letting the trauma to his mind influence him more than he’d admit. Letting out a slow exhale he slumped into his chair and rubbed at his temples.
Raga: Mi bedaŭras, Lael. Mi ne dormis multe post kiam mi revenis ... Vi pensus, ke mi jam kutimiĝis al koŝmaroj. (I'm sorry, Lael. I haven't had much sleep since I got back from...You'd think I'd be used to nightmares by now.)
With their minds having touched frequently and shared memories and thoughts she was perhaps the one person aside from Rune who knew what he’d truly been through since he was 10.
((Rosek & Galven’s Shared Quarters, USS Astraeus))
Rosek: ::expression softens:: Honeste? Mi pli zorgos, ĉu mi faros. Kiam ĝi ne plu ĝenas nin estas kiam ni estas unu paŝo pli proksime fariĝi kiel Lenik kaj ŝati la Konsorcion. (Honestly? I'll be more worried if I do. When it no longer bothers us is when we're one step closer to becoming like Lenik and like the Consortium.)
She'd only been out here four years. Four years. She was 26 and felt much older for the death and suffering she'd seen. A Lieutenant Commander and a first officer before even leaving her 20s behind. It wasn't a record by any means, but she was still too damned young to be this cynical about life. She carried a burden on her shoulders that few even saw before a decade into their careers.
((Deck 3, Raga’s Quarters, USS Atlantis))
Toryn was the same age as Lael, though his life had been in a way far harsher than hers. The number of individuals on Leya-I that were considered ‘hopeless’ enough to undergo the Attitude Rehabilitation Therapy was, a small amount compared to the overall population. It was rarer still, if not almost unheard of for someone to be put through the therapy twice. Toryn was the latter.
Raga: Ŝajnas, ke mia tuta vivo estas nur unu koŝmaro post alia. (Seems like my whole life is just one nightmare after another.)
He closed his eyes for a moment. Toryn had always been an emotional person, in that he felt strongly, and was heavily driven by his emotions. Much to the chagrin of tables and desks and bulkheads on board Atlantis. Despite that he was usually able to keep them in check enough to not let most see it, but that control has slipped considerably since his torture. The Al-Leyan began sobbing uncontrollably, feeling ashamed that she was seeing him like this. Toryn always considered himself to be broken in some small way. Now…
((Rosek & Galven’s Shared Quarters, USS Astraeus))
It wasn't easy seeing him so upset. Even in her weakest moments, she never let anyone see her completely broken. Closing her eyes, she reached for the faint presence inside her mind, finding it easily. She knew it like she knew her own mind, having touched it so many times. Focusing her thoughts on him and him alone, she dug deep and projected every drop of calm she could muster. With a soft sigh, she began to sing...the same song she'd offered as comfort in the dreamscape when she'd found him being tortured.
Rosek: Mi memoras larmojn en via vizaĝo kiam mi diris, ke mi neniam lasos vin iri; Kiam ĉiuj tiuj ombroj preskaŭ mortigis vian lumon; Mi memoras, ke vi diris ne lasu min ĉi tie sola; Sed ĉio ĉi mortis kaj foriris kaj pasis ĉi-nokte. Nur fermu viajn okulojn, la suno malleviĝas; Vi estos bone, neniu povas vundi vin nun; Venu matene lumo, vi kaj mi estos sanaj. (I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I'll never let you go; When all those shadows almost killed your light; I remember you said don't leave me here alone; But all that's dead and gone and passed tonight. Just close your eyes, the sun is going down; You'll be alright, no one can hurt you now; Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound.)
((Deck 3, Raga’s Quarters, USS Atlantis))
He hated this, feeling so weak, especially in front of her. Regardless of whether or not she understood and cared for him. Somehow it felt worse to let someone he cared for so deeply see how broken he was. The slow influx of calm, soothing emotion began pouring into him like a gentle breeze rolling off the Sez Toural mountains. Toryn let out a soft sigh as the song filled his ears. He felt that touch, that connection to the all too familiar presence of hers in his mind. He knew the calm was coming from her and he looked up at her, cheeks marred with the trails his tears made down them. She truly had grown more powerful psychically for her to project her emotions on him at such vast a distance.
Raga: Dankon, Lael. Mi bedaŭras, ke vi devis vidi min tiel. Tiel malforta. (Thank you, Lael. I'm sorry you had to see me like this. So weak. )
Rosek: ::smiles wanly:: Estas iom da forto en malforteco. Neniu povas esti tute nepenetrebla. Emocio influas nin ĉiujn. Vera forto estas kiel ni traktas ĝin. (There's a certain strength in weakness. No one can be completely impervious. Emotion affects us all. True strength is how we deal with it.)
He shook his head and sounded a bit more sullen.
Raga: Mi eble konsentas kun vi se ne pro la fakto, ke la sola kialo, por kiu mi postvivis iun ajn el tio estis ĉar ART savis min. (I might agree with you if it wasn't for the fact that the only reason I survived any of that was because ART saved me.)
There was remorse and disgust in his tone as he admitted that. ART had long been a tormentor to him, always there to remind him of failures and degrade him for his successes not being as good as they could be. Or how his thoughts and actions meant he was falling from the branch. To know that, that oft malevolent entity in his head had spared him.
((Rosek & Galven’s Shared Quarters, USS Astraeus))
Any traces of affection left her features at the mention of ART. As much as she cared for Toryn, she’d developed a hatred for the second personality whose only goal was to tear him down. She’d come up against ART in the dreamscape she and Toryn shared. It had shaken her how little she could do against a force so dark. Very little truly scared her, but ART...he’d unsettled her in a way few things could.
Rosek: No.
Raga: It’s true, Lael. He shielded my mind from the Romulan mind probe. I wouldn’t have..
Rosek: You heard me. ART is wrong. The more you buy into his bull$%!^, the more of yourself you lose. You, Toryn Raga, are not a quitter. I refuse to believe that ART is right about anything.
((Deck 3, Raga’s Quarters, USS Atlantis))
Toryn blinked once with his eyes, then again with the nictitating membrane beneath them, a physical affectation that made more than a few people uneasy when they saw it usually. He brought both hands up to his face, as if rubbing them across it would rid him of the fatigue he felt. He hated ART more than she, but he couldn’t forget how the malevolent entity had pulled his psyche into his own psychic prison to save Toryn’s mind. It was like having your most hated enemy spare your life. It made him feel disgusting.
Raga: You don’t know what it was like Lael. ::His voice wavered slightly as he let his hands fall into his lap:: The cell they had me in had some sort of magnetic field, or gravitic plating throughout it. My hands, legs and neck were bound by these...these metal bands. They were part of the system. They held me against the wall or the floor. They held me down. ::He groaned:: They acted as conduits for the electricty...
He looked up at the screen, at her face, into her eyes. His lower lip quivering like a child who’d seen something they didn’t know how to process.
Raga: I tried to get free..I tried…::He whispered:: You know how strong I am….I couldn’t get free. The more I struggled, the stronger the pull. ::He grit his teeth and stared down at his hands halfway between his chest and his lap:: My strength didn’t mean anything….it’s all I have Lael. It’s all I am….::He fought back the urge to sob but he wasn’t successful:: They took it from me...showed me how weak I am...that machine….he barely asked me any questions...he just held me there and electrocuted me again and again.
It was like being back in Sickbay again, when he woke to see Valin looking over him and Logan standing vigilant guard over his biobed. He’d broken down in front of his best friend then, and he was doing it in front of her now. He felt utterly shameful.
Rosek: ::murmurs:: Then maybe it’s time to find a different kind of strength.
Raga: That’s not something I seem to have in any excess…::He muttered::
Rosek: ::gaze drops to her hands:: Lenik took my physical strength from me. He made my restraints out of a material so strong I couldn’t break it if I tried. ::looks up to meet his gaze:: He invaded my mind and the only way to keep him from getting those codes was to distract him with my memories. I had to show him my greatest pain in hopes that it would repulse him so much that he couldn’t stand being in my mind. ::blinks back tears::
Toryn looked up at her once more and for a moment the softer expression of the old him was there. The one who had once received this unexpected subspace communication from the exact woman he was conversing with now. Surprised and drawn to her instantly. He recalled their conversation had lasted for a while that first time.
Raga: I’m sorry, Lael. ::He looked away a moment and reached up to stroke beneath the beak that was next to his ear now:: I thought I was going to die in that cell. ::He clenched his eyes shut:: I was ready to die. Despite being terrified. I hoped the others would come after me but I did what I did to save the Captain...Brell. ::He looked to her:: Knowing I probably wouldn’t come back. I had seconds to react and I did.
((Rosek & Galven’s Shared Quarters, USS Astraeus))
She nodded solemnly. Though she and Toryn had their differences, loyalty was one of the common traits that they shared. It was likely part of what attracted her to him in the first place. She’d seen in him what she valued about herself. She’d been in enough situations in the past where death was a very real possibility to know her true self in those moments.
Rosek: If I didn’t have the crew depending on me, I’d have done the same. ::pauses:: Since becoming first officer, I’ve had to change the way I think. As loyal as I am to Mei, I know he’d want me to lead the crew to safety first and foremost. That’s the burden of command. We all have to make sacrifices and sometimes that means losing one person to save countless others.
Raga: I know. That’s why I had resigned myself to my fate. ::A faint semblance of a smile curled his lips:: Despite knowing how stubborn Atlanteans are.
She smiled wanly. Damn, but Toryn was stubborn. He’d missed the point of what she was trying to say. His martyr complex was so deeply ingrained that it would take a miracle to pry it loose. Hers had been shaken by Jon getting shot to protect her. She’d been so lost in being a martyr that she’d failed to protect her team. Chythar had been shot in the leg during that same mission. Following that mission, she’d committed that sacrificing herself was an absolute last resort...not a first ditch effort.
Raga: And we have a Rodulan, who was at least quite a powerful telepath. ::He added with less wavering in his voice::
Rosek: ::murmurs:: But did it have to be you? Starfleet is about working as a team. We’re stronger together than we are apart.
((Deck 3, Raga’s Quarters, USS Atlantis))
Hearing that he looked at her with a furrow in his brow. Of course, if he hadn’t acted the way he did it would have been Brell in that situation. As the Captain he has access to vastly more sensitive knowledge. Codes can be changed and were, but still. But that wasn’t the only reason.
Raga: I didn’t see any other way, Lael. You don’t understand what these past two years have been like. The Consortium...they’ve hunted us down at every turn. They’re like a plague on the Expanse. ::Anger quickly filled his tone:: They’ve ambushed us again and again. Every time they’ve been at least two steps ahead of us. I’m tired of us losing over and over to them.
He clasped his hands together to curb the impulse to break his desk.
Raga: As Captain he has access to sensitive information. We change the codes but only the Captain knows what he knows. And my life is a small price to pay to save his. ::He looked away:: And I had to help someone keep a stupid promise.
((Rosek & Galven’s Shared Quarters, USS Astraeus))
Lael shook her head, knowing it was futile to argue. They viewed the world differently and that was always going to be a barrier between them. One more reason why it wouldn’t have worked. They were both too stubborn to truly let each other in. She’d been doing the same with German, she realized.
The situation with Lenik had brought about that revelation and this conversation with Toryn was only serving to cement it. A sad smile touched her lips. If she were to have any hope of things working out with German, she had to fight the “I” mentality and develop a “we” mentality. She had to trust that he could help her overcome her insecurities and that she didn’t have to be everyone’s savior. Some people just had to make the choice for themselves.
Raga: I’m glad you called, Lael. ::He said after several tense moments of silence:: It’s good to see you’re alright.
Rosek: ::meets his gaze and breathes:: You, too. oO For the most part. Oo
((Deck 3, Raga’s Quarters, USS Atlantis))
Just then a pair of large, round, reflective eyes dropped down over his right shoulder, a feathered head canted at a 45 degree angle facing the screen. A few loud and jovial hoots emanated from the Seiuri as the highly intelligent avian greeted Lael in her own way. It was enough to elicit a much needed chuckle of mirth from Toryn. And he looked at the bird who could communicate with him telepathically as easily as Lael could.
Rosek: ::expression softens and her gaze drops:: I should go. German will be back any minute. We want to enjoy our downtime.
Raga: ::His brow raised slightly:: Who’s German?
((Rosek & Galven’s Shared Quarters, USS Astraeus))
She paused, not sure how to explain. The term boyfriend didn’t really fit. They were so much more to each other than that. After everything that they’d been through together and the future she was considering with him, it was so much more serious than that term implied.
Rosek: Mia amo kaj mia estonteco. (My love and my future.)
((Deck 3, Raga’s Quarters, USS Atlantis))
Toryn certainly hadn’t expected that response. Though he was happy for her, he couldn’t help but feel that all too familiar heartache. Though this time the source was different. The only real downside with serving with Serala. Still, she was his best friend. Still Toryn merely nodded and looked away from the screen out the window of his quarters at the vibrant multihued clouds of the Expanse.
Rosek: ::murmurs:: We never would have worked, Toryn. We’re both too different. There is so much more against us than monogamy and how we want to raise children.
Raga: Easy to say when we never really even tried. ::The coldness had returned to his voice::
He loved Lael, always would in some way, just how he loved Serala. Still, Toryn’s life had never been anything but complicated, especially when it came to matters of the heart. It was enough for the Al-Leyan to expect loneliness to be a permanent aspect of his life.
She sighed. They could argue themselves in circles over it all...make themselves crazy. He’d told her that being monogamous would make him unhappy. He’d told her that he wanted his children raised in the Haemachuo way. Those were the two things that were most important to her.
He’d never understand why it was so important that she be the only woman in his life to share the intimacies of the bedroom with him nor why it was so important to her that she have a bond with her children from birth. She couldn’t make him understand and she couldn’t be anything but true to herself...for the sake of her sanity.
Rosek: ::murmurs:: Goodnight, Toryn.
There was a long silence save for his exhale and he looked back to the screen when she said that. Regardless of his current state of being Lael was first and foremost his friend and someone he cared dearly for. A bit of softness returned and he nodded.
Raga: Take care, Lael.
Rosek: You, too, Toryn.
---
Lieutenant Commander Lael Rosek
Executive Officer, USS Astraeus, NCC-70652
I238110RH0
&
Lieutenant Commander Toryn Raga
Mission Specialist
USS Atlantis NCC-74682
PodCast Team Member
Training Team Member
Atlantis Staff Member
Writer ID: A239410TR0
https://wiki.starbase118.net/wiki/index.php?title=Toryn_Raga