Lieutenant JG Ollie Bergmen - I thought that kind of heartache was meant for the young… But we're never too old to hurt…

[CPT Arianus]

(( Elysium, Deck 6 - USS Artemis ))

Ollie held his breath as he watched Imril read his unfinished letters. He knew that showing them was... what, exactly? A demonstration of his inability to express himself clearly? Inability to express his feelings and emotions? Telling him what he really wanted to say?

Was the burden inside him merely a fear of being misunderstood? Or was he afraid that Imril might understand and reject him?

Imril: I’m sorry, but I think I’m missing the meaning here.

Ollie turned his gaze away from the question. It was a reflex, as thoughts raced through his mind like a spooked horse, and he didn't understand why he couldn't say what he wanted to say to them. What gave him such pause when he so clearly wanted to tell them all the emotions he had tried so hard to bottle for so long?

But what did he have to lose? He took a deep breath, gazing at the stars outside the nearby window, and realized he could no longer hide it anymore.

Bergmen: Imril, I… (beat) Just… ::sighs:: You are so kind and smart and I… ::glances into Imril’s eyes:: You know. You make me smile, Imril. And… (beat) I like having you around.

Imril: Oh?

Ollie glanced back and saw Imril straighten up, shocked, their expression taken aback by those words. Did they finally understand? Was it a good sign?

Imril: ::blushing:: I… Uh… Ollie… Where have you been?! What brought -- What got you thinking in this direction?

Their words were as confused as Ollie's letters. Bergmen offered a sorrowful smile, his eyes reflecting the melancholy over something unknown to Imril. How could he possibly distill decades of memories and emotions into a mere handful of words?

Bergmen: I was… Away. Almost back to Borderlands… (beat) Seventeen years I knew someone. Hannah. We met in basic. Almost got married. Disappeared from our lives sometime after… Promised like fifteen years ago, if we don't find anyone in ten years to marry for real, then we do it. ::shows his right hand and an empty ring finger:: You can see how we kept that promise. Not now. Just another year… After she gets promoted… After I finish OCS… There was always some excuse not to do it. Yet me… I really wanted to do it, or I think I wanted to. I was still capable of loving her then, as I loved her the first day I met her. She? I don’t know. It’s different with humans. I don’t know if they can just lay their love to rest and return to it decades later… And I will never know… ::sighs:: She's gone, forever. And all I could do was escort her home…

Imril's posture softened with empathy as they leaned closer to the table, almost reaching out to grasp Ollie's hand. But they never did. Ollie didn't understand.

Imril: ::nodding in sympathy:: Ah. My condolences.

Empty words. Ollie felt nothing but a sense of emptiness that came from the words.

Imril: Seventeen years. I’ve really only known one person for that long. I don't know what it would do to me to lose them.

The Gideon lieutenant shrugged his shoulders. Almost two decades meant something, even for the everlasting. He glanced at Imril's hand lying nearby. He wanted to reach so much... Just hold on to them and remain silent in understanding.

Bergmen: You bring them home. You become their witness… Witness to their life, to them of what they were… And you’ll remember… (beat) Because without anyone remembering, they just… disappear…

The raktajino sat between them, gradually losing its warmth, the steam rising in faint wisps. Neither dared to reach for it.

Imril: Is it possible that your grief is… That you’re reaching out for a deeper connection with someone to get away from it? Over-reaching?

Ollie smiled softly, sadness glimmering in his eyes as he slowly shook his head. Days after Imril had set foot on Artemis, that suspicion about his emotions could be the truth. Then, the memories of Frontier Day lingered still like a haunting shadow. Back then, it would have been just an overwhelming surge of emotions, a flicker of desire, a stress response, and a shortcut to something liberating just for a night. After a year and a half… he knew that emotions were deeper.

Bergmen: She’s… just gone, Imril. We never had a chance. We never gave ourselves a chance… You… I don’t want to make the same mistakes…

Ollie's words resonated deeply with Imril, stirring emotions that the lieutenant struggled to fully comprehend. Imril's expression shifted, as if they had glimpsed a ghost from their past. Something that happened to them, something they buried as he buried Hannah.

Imril: I just want to be sure that saying this for the wrong reasons. That you haven’ worked yourself up into something that isn’t really there.

Bergmen: ::smiles:: Imril… ::tilts his head:: Whatever I feel for you… It's not anew. I just know now that… holding it from you was a mistake. That time gone cannot be taken back. That... ::connects his fingers and palms into heart:: …I feel for you… and even if you say no... That’s the honest truth between us.

Whether those words convinced Imril, Ollie could not tell. They were silent in the moment, and that was possibly a good sign? That they didn’t say no right away? Ollie sat there, facing Imril in silence, waiting for them to say something, anything.

Imril: ::Sitting back up:: I think maybe… Give me some time to think about this, huh? Some space? ::wince:: A funny thing to ask for on a spaceship, I know. But maybe we could both use it. I’m sorry, but I just don't have an answer for you right now.

Ollie nodded. That was an answer he could live with. Inside, he knew he hoped for more, but maybe…maybe was enough. Maybe was hope.

Bergmen: Yeah. Understand. ::sighs:: Hey, it is okay. I give you space. And time. ::pauses and tilts head from side to side as he bites his lower lip:: Yeah, literal space can be a problem. But the emotional space, I can promise that.

Bergmen pulled out his PADD with the letters and, as he looked at it, he giggled at an inside joke that just flashed through his mind. But the giggle faded suddenly as soon as he caught Imril's gaze once more.

Bergmen: Time… Yeah. Time. One Gideon forever…

Imril: Response

Ollie straightened his back and nodded to Imril. He smiled again, sighed, and let his immediate emotions out. Stood up from the table and glanced at the raktajino on the table.

Bergmen: I should go. Your raktajino is getting cold, and if I delay you any longer... then you will need ice to make it a proper raktajino again… So... (beat) Good night, Imril. See ya… Someday… Around. ::smiles::

Imril: Response

Ollie let his hand linger on the table's surface, his fingers gently tracing the polished wood as he walked away. As he moved, he brushed lightly against Imril's little finger, their hands barely making contact in that fleeting moment. And then he was gone, and only his steps sounded through Elysium for a little while more.


END FOR OLLIE

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Lieutenant JG Ollie Bergmen
Operations Officer
U.S.S. Artemis-A
A240009JC1