LtCmdr Jovenan – The confession in the battlefield of emotions
Jovenan
((Chief Science Officer’s office, Deck 9, USS Artemis))
Jovenan didn’t know what to say. She felt like the words she had managed to put out had been an incomprehensible mess that didn’t relay the meaning of the events and her emotions adequately. Still, Vitor’s hold of her hand tightened; he had discovered what she had tried to say among the ramblings. His smile alone was enough to make her anxiety diminish.
Silveira: I know…. And I know that even if I wanted to, I can’t always be there for you. But I also know you can take care of yourself and others. You're stronger than you think. You make me strong.
The universe was a dangerous place, so she had been warned when she had as a teenager declared her intentions of leaving the God’s Claims as soon as she was allowed to, thinking with the hubris of that age that she could navigate the dangerous waters if she was careful and persistent about it. The service in Starfleet had been quick to teach her otherwise, transporting her from a precarious situation to a perilous one every few months.
Compared to the Battle of Frontier Day or even the attack by the alternate universe counterparts, the events by the Tree had been rather inconsequential and calm. A voice in Jovenan’s head had been nagging to her that she shouldn’t make it such a major event, that she shouldn’t complain about being held at a gunpoint when she had been done so before by far more dreadful enemies. Still, it mattered to her, it mattered that her life had been so close to its end that a single criminal could have decided to move a finger in an act that had little importance to him in reaching his main objective. She didn’t know if she had truly become stronger in the face of danger, but perhaps she had learnt how to mask her fears better. Letting that mask slip for Vitor and still be called strong felt good. He always knew how to listen and what to say to make her feel that way.
Jovenan: I don’t know if I am. But thank you. You matter a lot to me. ::puts her other hand over his hand that holds hers:: You can talk to me about anything, too. I, uh, I can’t always find just the right words the way you do, but I want to hear and support you.
Silveira: I know and it comforts me knowing that we can share this between us. And don’t worry because I am not always that eloquent myself. Particularly when expressing feelings.
At that moment, she wanted to be close to him, to feel his embrace engulf her completely. They were holding hands and the warmth radiated throughout her body, but there was still a desk separating them from each other. Still, blissfully drowning into the deep oceans of his blue eyes, she didn’t dare to move in fear that flinching a single muscle could shatter the moment. She could nevertheless wrap herself in the warm blanket of emotions that manifested in the words they uttered to one another, and she didn’t want to stop.
Jovenan: You always say that I’m stronger than I think, but it’s you who is strong, in any situation, and that’s a thing why I l– admire you so much. Even when you haven’t been there for me, I can draw strength from thinking what you would do if you were there. And, uh, you don’t have to be strong or brave always, because in my eyes, you still are.
Silveira: I feel the same about you Nan.
The seconds lingered for a while, permitting them to sink further into each other’s eyes and into the feelings they had. However, something, be it a subtle sound, a miniscule change in the airflow from the life support vent or merely a whim of the heart, caused Jovenan to withdraw her hand. She felt awkward, like she should say something meaningful, but she continued to fail in finding the right words. The awkwardness turned to frustration and then to self-doubt and to the thought that she had somehow forced Vitor into this conversation she couldn’t contribute. He had only wanted to bring her the profiteroles – she took the spoon again – and she had turned the conversation first to the kiss that he may not have wanted to talk about and now to the serious and dull topics of work and fears and her silly little emotions. It had been rude of her to ruin such a nice surprise and bore him.
Jovenan: Ugh, this is probably not what you wanted when you came here, me being so serious and emotional, sorry. I probably haven’t made much sense, either. ::smile:: But I’m happy to see that you’re alright.
Her gaze bounced again between the desserts and him, and she could see that since she had withdrawn her eyes from his, his expression had turned to a frown, and he shook his head.
Silveira: No… Yes… I mean you can be whatever you feel like with me. And I feel the same. With you I can be vulnerable, strong or weak because I feel you there for me and…
The confusing and conflicted emotions made Jovenan’s mind feel slow and foggy. She didn’t dare to look at his eyes for a moment longer, she didn’t want to, but she couldn’t force herself to keep her gaze elsewhere either. She was awkward and shy, she felt guilty over making him listen and say all those things when he may not have wanted to, and yet his words made her heart beat and spread the warmth of his hands to the toes and the tips of her ears, making them tingle. And, when he suddenly leaned over and then stood up, she feared that he had finally decided to walk away and end this, dreading him leaving her alone again.
Silveira: I am sorry but I need to do something…
Jovenan: Okay…
Jovenan followed him with her eyes, but instead of heading towards the door and leaving, he stepped aside and walked around the desk. The racing of her heart covered and muffled the voices of her anxiety and fears when he kneeled down in front of her and placed his arms to the armrests. He tilted his head; he looked so small looking down at him, yet he was so close to her as possible without them hugging each other.
Silveira: Forgive me but your desk was on our way.
Jovenan: It was. This is better.
He moved his arms, and she felt his hand gently pushing her back. She leaned in closer to him on her chair. Their faces were so close that she could feel his breath against her skin. Another voice in her head kept telling her to lean in even closer until their lips would touch. Her widened eyes darted briefly across his face, studying every detail of it, before landing back into the blues of his eyes.
Silveira: Look, it's clear we mean a lot to one another. And it looks like we have a better time when we don't feel the pressure to express our feelings in words. Why don’t we just let things happen? Let’s just… Just feel…
Every word that escaped his lips felt blissful. She wanted to act on them and lean in closer and place her hands on the sides of his face and gently pull him closer. She wanted to kiss him until the lack of air made them pass out and fall to the ground next to each other, and they’d kiss again. But as each of beat of her heart carried a word of fervour, they also contained the seed of doubt. It was like she was doing something wrong, something hurtful and forbidden, and she hesitated.
Jovenan: I… I want… but I don’t know what to feel…
Silveira: Response
She pulled back a little, resisting the gentle pull of his hand in her back. She didn’t want to get away from him, but the emotions were in conflict within her, and she couldn’t tell which side was winning. When she opened her mouth, it was evident that logic had fallen victim of that tumultuous battle.
Jovenan: Vitor, I don’t know… I… There were things I needed to say, that we needed to talk about. The things that we said to each other, about our feelings, and the stupid thing I said about being just a replacement to the other Jovenan. But every time we’ve met, I’ve been afraid we’d say those things again and that it would destroy our friendship.
Silveira: Response
She wiped a tear off her face.
Jovenan: Now I fear I’ve ruined it anyway, because I think I’ve started to love you.
Silveira: Response
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Lieutenant Commander Jovenan
Chief Science Officer
USS Artemis-A
E239911J11