LtCmdr Jovenan – Strength can be shared, even across distances
Jovenan
((Chief Science Officer’s office, Deck 9, USS Artemis))
The flavours were released the instant the spoon reached Jovenan’s mouth. The sweet taste of molten chocolate, the airy texture of the bun and the soft filling all complimented each other and competed for her attention at the same time. It was her first time tasting the profiteroles, and she could understand well why Vitor had wanted her to have some of the human delicacies with him. The pastries were simple, something she could imagine Vitor may have had with his family in his childhood, yet so full of sweetness and flavour.
Jovenan: Wow, these really are sweet!
Silveira: I know, I did the sweetest version of them. Do you like it?
Jovenan nodded, never releasing her gaze from Vitor’s eyes, which she had lately become so often drawn to. Although they were in her office, in uniform, tired from the struggles of the mission and without the comforts of his quarters like the last time, she could consider the meeting a continuation to the date that was rudely interrupted last shore leave. After all, the profiteroles had been what they were going to eat just before she had been called for assistance in an incident she couldn’t even remember any more but that must have been something important at the time. Swallowing the delicious dessert, she felt free of anxiety and nervousness again, like she was there solely with him, and that what others thought mattered nought.
Jovenan: Yes, I love them! I wish we wouldn’t have been interrupted before tasting them, it would have been perfect. Although, I got to taste something equally good instead…
It occurred to her what she had said before she had even closed her mouth. The memory of the kiss they shared by the turbolift doors was clear and warm and soft in her mind, but she didn’t know what to think of it, not with the rational consideration, not with the whirlwind that was the emotional senselessness. It appeared her quick mouth had made the decision for her, betraying her feelings to Vitor, and to her conscious mind as well. Her eyes dropped quickly from him to the desk and to the container of profiteroles on it, not wanting to reveal any further of her unreasoned thoughts, even though the blush of her cheeks spoke with thousands of words. Besides, she couldn’t bare the possibility of witnessing his reaction to those words, for as much as she fought it herself, she feared he may not share the sentiment, and it was better not know of it.
Silveira: Oh…
She didn’t want to say anything, or that he would do so either. They needed to have the conversation eventually, but she didn’t want it to be today. They had been postponing the Talk for months now, and every day more to it added to the dread of what would come when the moment would come. She just wanted to enjoy the days before it, for as many as there could be before it had to come. Taking some more of the profiteroles to her spoon, she slowly forced her gaze back to him, and regardless of what may have been wise, changed the subject, this time trying to maintain the reins of her unruly mouth.
Jovenan: So… How are you? With the mission and all that.
Despite the nature of the change in topic, it was a valid question. Even if the topic was not the most suitable for the joviality of their meeting, she had been worried of him throughout the day. At first, it was the emotional weight of visiting the grave of his friends and colleagues, then his physical safety. After the revelation of the Tree, she couldn’t imagine what he might be thinking. She wouldn’t want to press him to reveal anything more than he wanted to, but she wanted to care of him, even if for just asking how he was doing and offering to listen. He shrugged, perhaps thinking what he wanted to say.
Silveira: It could have gone worse. We managed to survive the polen attack when one of the Da’al soldiers tapped some of the bush. Then me, Sada and Lyara got captured and beamed to the Bird of Prey. But no one was seriously injured and got to rescue Talos, who was supposed to rescue us, and then they… Just surrendered. So… ::He forced the old memories far behind before:: And what about you? How were things with your team?
Jovenan nodded along, listening to him recounting the events. She had heard an account of what had happened after her team had returned to the bridge, but Vitor’s details and the way he spoke added to the image she had. Her worries had been justified, Vitor had come closer to being hurt than she would ever want him to be, but at the same time, she knew that it would be futile to ask anything else of him; it was not the first nor the last time he had been in a situation where injury or death were an option, and for a Starfleet officer of his position and temper, avoiding such situation was not always possible. Shrugging in the similar fashion as he had just before, she thought about the question he had asked.
Jovenan: We encountered some of that pollen too, but luckily only Gnai was in the range and the suit protected it. The plants chased us to… well, the remains of the Resolution, where we found the Tree. Then the Suliban beamed in and tried to force the others to help him get the Tree to their ship, uh, by holding me a hostage. It was the Captain and the Commodore who saved us in the end.
Vitor had taken her hand near the end. His hand was warm and his touch firm, making her feel safe and more secure of herself. She was unsure of where to look at, and her eyes wandered between the hands, the profiteroles and him.
Silveira: I am sorry you had to face that. I am here for you if you need to talk.
She thought for a moment. What was there to say? Telling how scared she was at the time, weaving the emotions into sentences and forging them to words immutable after being uttered, it would have made her appear weak and vulnerable when the official story was of her apparent strength and willingness to sacrifice herself for the others. But it was Vitor. She found that she wanted to be vulnerable with him, without pretence or shields, close to him.
Jovenan: I… I guess… He, the Suliban, held me at gunpoint and threatened to shoot if the others didn’t cooperate. Genkos didn’t, but Gnai ended up agreeing to set up the transporter enhancers to protect me. I tried to bargain so that the Suliban would let the others away and that I… I would help him, and he could just discard me afterwards. Obviously, it didn’t happen. ::looks him in the eyes:: I was afraid he’d shoot, that I’d never see you again, but I did mean that. If I had needed to, I would have rather seen Genkos and Gnai get to safety with the expense of my life. And if I could have been there to help you, I would have, but…
Vitor’s hold of her hand tightened, reassuring her more. There was a smile on his face when she had come closer to the end. He must have known what she wanted to say, even when her words failed to make much sense.
Silveira: I know…. And I know that even if I wanted to, I can’t always be there for you. But I also know you can take care of yourself and others. You're stronger than you think. You make me strong.
Jovenan: I don’t know if I am. But thank you. You matter a lot to me. ::puts her other hand over his hand that holds hers:: You can talk to me about anything, too. I, uh, I can’t always find just the right words the way you do, but I want to hear and support you.
Silveira: Response
At that moment, Jovenan regretted that they were sitting on the different sides of the desk. She couldn’t reach to him and hug him from here if she tried, but she also didn’t want to stand up and potentially break the moment they had. The desk, with the desserts sitting on the container ignored, was a physical barrier between them, when all she wanted was to be even closer to him.
Jovenan: You always say that I’m stronger than I think, but it’s you who is strong, in any situation, and that’s a thing why I l– admire you so much. Even when you haven’t been there for me, I can draw strength from thinking what you would do if you were there. And, uh, you don’t have to be strong or brave always, because in my eyes, you still are.
Silveira: Response
After a moment, Jovenan withdrew her right hand and took the spoon again. She felt silly again, not for blabbering about the kiss when she shouldn’t have like earlier, but for feeling like she continued to fail to get her emotions into words that made sense, and for turning this nice surprise into something that he must have thought was boring.
Jovenan: Ugh, this is probably not what you wanted when you came here, me being so serious and emotional, sorry. I probably haven’t made much sense, either. ::smile:: But I’m happy to see that you’re alright.
Silveira: Response
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Lieutenant Commander Jovenan
Chief Science Officer
USS Artemis-A
E239911J11