LT Gila Sadar - Taking Control Back
Gila Sadar
(( Security Center - Deck 08, USS Artemis-A ))
The chime that announced the end of the phaser training programme made Gila startle slightly. Instinctively, she knew that she had done poorly. Not that she had expected anything else - this programme was an old enemy of hers, and in this case, absence did not make the heart fonder - but it did sting ever so slightly that her many experiences since boarding the USS Artemis-A hadn’t fostered any kind of growth within her... She watched as Lieutenant Savel examined her scores, and shuffled slightly in place, aware of the reprimand that was coming. She didn’t actually believe that the Vulcan Lieutenant would forcibly remove her from the Holosuite in disgust, but she felt quite certain that this outcome would be preferable to a written evaluation of her performance to Lt.Cdr. Jashkaa.
Savel: Your performance in this phaser training was less than satisfactory, Lieutenant. Even though you managed to achieve a passing score.
Gila looked down, her broiling emotional landscape a peculiar and volatile mix of shame, frustration and defensive denial. The very idea that she - a Doctor from a notable ultra-pacifist species, which would rather be invaded than offer any sort of resistance - would ever perform well in this kind of test was ludicrous, and she was almost certain that Lt. Commander Jashkaa had commanded this exercise purely to torment and humiliate her...
Then, of course, the logic set in, and she knew that the Counselor had far more important things to do than mess with Gila’s mental well-being and sense of self-worth. Such a pastime was unbecoming for one of her rank.
Sadar: S-S-Sorry Lieutenant...
Lieutenant Savel’s face was the picture of stoic professionalism.
Savel: No apology is necessary, Lieutenant Sadar. I do not hold the same level of expectations for certain members of the crew as I do with others. To do so, would be illogical. A doctor will rarely perform to the same degree as a security officer. Some security officers are even lacking due to the limitations of their species.
‘Limitations of their species’. Gila was split between the need to defend her people - assure him that she was a poor example of a Mizarian - and vehemently agreeing with him.
Savel: Still, I have several observations that should improve your next attempt at this course. Whenever that may be.
oO Wait... NEXT ATTEMPT!? When? Where? What? I DIDN’T HEAR OF THIS! Oo
Had the Lt. Commander given secret instructions to the Lieutenant? Was she in reality watching from outside the Holosuite, writing down obscene notes on her PADD about Gila’s devolving grasp on reality?
Sadar: ... V-Very well...
Lieutenant Savel walked over to the table and grabbed the same type of phaser that Gila had used in the training exercise, returning to her once had done so. Sidling up next to her, facing the range, Gila noted how comfortably the Vulcan Officer gripped the abominable instrument, and while a sudden wave of nausea rushed through her system at this, she also slightly shifted her own grip, trying to emulate him. Her knuckles were starting to hurt.
Savel: I believe that I am correct in assuming that you are uncomfortable handling a phaser, even in this setting. I noticed it manifested in several ways while you were firing. You struggled changing the setting, closed your eyes several times while shooting, and neglected to engage certain targets. I may not possess the skills to provide insight on why you do not feel comfortable using a phaser, but I can provide you with some guidance on using one. It may assist in building your confidence. So, please do as I do, Lieutenant.
Lieutenant Savel raised his phaser up, aiming with the correct posture. Gila studied the way his shoulders retained flexibility - not a single one of his muscles showed evidence of strain or unwarranted tension - with his feet separated, his dominant foot slightly more forward than the other. She slowly followed the same formula that he visibly demonstrated for her, knowing that she’d seen this demonstrated before, but also knowing that she had a distinct advantage in this scenario than she’d hadn’t had during her time in the Academy.
Lieutenant Savel would give her as much time as she needed, which was evidenced when he only started talking once her posture mimicked his to a suitable degree.
Savel: Your phaser is a simple tool which, regardless of its setting, should only be used for one purpose. The protection of yourself or someone that cannot defend themself. Do not think of it as an instrument to do harm, even if it may have that capability. It is only a defense mechanism, one that you hold in your hand and fully control. It will only do as you program it to, and no one can force you to do differently. ::after a beat:: Set your phaser to kill, Lieutenant.
oO That’s easy for you to say! I can’t- what if I mess up, or misfire, or hasten my judgment, or- Oo
She took a deep breath, realizing that this train of thought would only serve to bring her back to the brink of the very panic that always enforced itself during these exercises. That wasn’t what Lieutenant Savel intended, and while the whole ‘giving her as much as she needed’-aspect of this instructional moment was nice and far more relaxing than the comparative evaluations in the Academy, it had an annoying side to it as well.
Since she was the only one here, there was no one else to shelter her from the instructor’s evaluating gaze. As such, she needed to perform to specifications. In this scenario and these walls, as well as her own estimations, despite what their pips might suggest, Lieutenant Savel was the senior officer. He had served on the Artemis for longer than she had, proved his capabilities beyond any doubt, and if there was one thing Gila hated more than violence, it was disobeying a direct order.
But how could she do this? She sent the neurological impulse to her thumb to damned button, and it remained rooted in place, as though the strongest adhesive in Chief Engineer Yellir’s arsenal had been doused onto the phaser itself and made it a now permanent fixture within her cupped palm. Which, in itself, was a terrifying thought. How would she conduct her job with a phaser glued to her hand!? She supposed the stun setting could have medical applications, but what about sensitive surgeries and administration of medicine and-
oO STOP! Oo
She needed something else to focus on.
oO Do not think of it as an instrument to do harm, even if it may have that capability. It is only a defense mechanism, one that you hold in your hand and fully control. Oo
The idea that she was in control of anything was ludicrous. All her life, she’d been caught in a current that led her to one place, and one place only, and that was ostracization and ridicule, and everyone around her - even the ones who were supposed to support her and have her back - seemed well aware of this and entirely unwilling to do anything about it. And yet... She remembered her first mission, the abdominal surgery where she pulled shrapnel from Lt. Commander Dakora’s body following the fight in Intelligence. She recalled workshopping options when she had to perform cranial surgery on Lieutenant Flint while the Artemis was in active combat.
Some things, she could control. And if she could control a laser scalpel - an instrument just as capable of inflicting bodily harm as a phaser - why not a phaser?
oO The outcome of our actions is entirely out of our control. Only intent remains entirely within our control. Oo
Surak’s words were what had carried her through the Medical Academy. The intent when she performed surgeries, even as she cut into the patient’s bodies, was to heal them. Make their pain go away. And Lieutenant Savel had given her a perfectly acceptable intent for the phaser.
Sadar: ::whispers:: An instrument to... Defend.
She switched the settings to kill.
Savel: Using your phaser comes with an immense responsibility, no matter if it is set to stun, disrupt, or kill. This includes being completely certain on which setting you have chosen, and what you wish to discharge your phaser at. While an actual situation will likely require an immediate, quick decision from you, I want you to approach our current situation logically. We are in a training holosuite, with holographically generated phasers. There are safeties in place to prevent harm befalling either one of us, or anyone who may enter. You are aimed at a similarly holographically generated target, which does not represent any living thing. Allow this logic to dispel and suppress your fear that holding such a weapon may generate, then I want you to engage the target. You may take your time, Lieutenant. Remember to double-check your setting, and keep your eyes on your target as you fire. Proceed when ready.
Logic. The discipline that had been imparted onto the Vulcan people by Surak to save his entire people from eradicating themselves. The final bulwark against an emotional range that, if left unchecked, could make even an individual Vulcan a so destabilizing element, that their strength and passions could wreak terrible havok.
oO “Cast out fear. There is no room for anything else until you cast out fear." Oo
The toughest of Surak’s teachings for her to follow. One that she had known for years, and yet hadn’t found out how to emulate.
She didn’t suspect that today would be the day she finally ‘cracked the code’, but blast it, if she wasn’t going to try.
Sadar: R-Ready...
She felt the world fall away as her brain nattered at her, doubt and anxiety and panic trying to seep in and poison her focus, but she forcibly displaced those voices with what was familiar. The sound of a busy OR, the sometimes abrasive lighting in Sickbay - particularly at the end of a long double-shift with no less than four instructions by Crewman Voor - the calming voice of Lt. Commander Jovenan, instructing her how to complete a task that Gila herself believed insurmountable.
oO Allow this logic to dispel and suppress your fear that holding such a weapon may generate. Oo
She was wrong thinking that she hadn’t experienced growth in the past year. Sure, it was a slower growth than most - no doubt a far slower growth than was expected of her - but it was her’s, and so long as she was willing to improve, it would come. With time.
She checked the settings, as mechanically as she checked hypospray dosages before administering a powerful sedative to a patient, not allowing herself the breathing room to start panicking about what the setting actually meant, checked the target and fired.
Savel: Response?
The blast of the phaser fire made her self-imposed control shatter like glass, her body immediately entering a spasm as soon as the shot had been fired, like the spasm you experienced when cold or the urge to sneeze overcame you and your shoulders locked up. Gila wasn’t sure whether the spasm had thrown her aim off-target, but regardless, the shot impacted with the target, and the red-lined rectangle - that most insurmountable of obstacles - lit up in recognition of her hit.
Sadar: ::anxious breathing: H-H... ::looks to Savel::
Savel: Response
Gila didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Both emotions felt very apt for this scenario.
Sadar: ... I-It worked? I- ::hastily lowers the phaser settings and places it on the table behind her:: Th-Thank you, Lieutenant! I... ::deep breath:: Y-Your advice was... ::smiles:: Very helpful.
Savel: Response
Sadar: Oh, uhhh, n-no. ::scratches her cheek:: I-I think that may be, uhh... I-I don’t think my heart could take another round just yet. B-But... I-If you wouldn’t mind, I’d like your assistance again sometime.
oO Maybe in a few years Oo
Savel: Response
TAG/TBC
LT Gila Sadar
Medical Officer
USS Artemis-A
A240006GS1