[JP] Ensign Tho’Bi & LtCmdr Jovenan – Living with it

[Tobi]

((Chief Science Officer’s office, Deck 9, USS Artemis))

((Early into the shoreleave))

//PADD SCREEN//

VESSEL: USS ARTEMIS-A NCC 81287

STARDATE: 240207.24

POSITION: STARBASE 224

CONDITION: GREEN [SHORE LEAVE]

FAO: JOVENAN, LIEUTENANT COMMANDER 

FROM: UDESKY K, LIEUTENANT JG 

SUBJECT: CONCERNS ENSIGN THO’BI PSYCHOLOGICAL STATE 

__________________________________________________________

Lieutenant Commander Jovenan, 

I feel it is my duty to report my concerns regarding the emotional, psychological state of Ensign Tho’Bi since the Orion incident.   

While the standard of his work remains without fault, Ensign Tho’Bi has taken to isolating himself from other crew. Throughout this extended period of repairs, he has maxed out his EVA time, preferring to work alone on the outside of the ship. Moreover, he is often reluctant to return to the ship and oddly disengaged over comms.

It is my understanding, he prefers to explore the sub-Engineering-levels of the Starbase alone, rather than socialise with his fellow Engineering crew. Engineering suffered most of the worst casualties, the majority due to the limited performance of the Inertial Dampeners. No one blames Ensign Tho'Bi, but there is a lot of second guessing Ensign Tho’Bi's decision.

I realise this falls outside the regular scope of your duties, as it does mine, but given you were in command during the Orion Attack, I thought you ideally placed to talk through Ensign Tho’Bi's doubts about his own decisions.

Respectfully, 

UDESKY, K

LIEUTENANT JG 

USS ARTEMIS-A NCC 81287

//PADD SCREEN END//

Jovenan rubbed her forehead as she dropped the PADD on the desk. Lt Udesky was partially correct, she could have easily dropped this issue off her duties and make it someone else’s problem. The Captain, their new XO, someone from Engineering, a counsellor; any of them would have been good choices to deal with this. Still, she had been responsible for what had happened that day, and she couldn’t shed away the feeling that the responsibility hadn’t really ended with the Captain taking the bridge from her. She tapped her combadge, thinking she owed him to at least listen how he was doing.

Jovenan: =/\= Jovenan to Ensign Tho’Bi. At your earliest convenience, please report to the Chief Science Officer’s office. =/\=

Tho’Bi: =/\= Aye, Aye. Lieutenant Commander. =/\=

((TIMESKIP - TWO HOURS LATER))

Time passed. The time it took to finish replacing a bank of shield emitters, for gravity boots to clunk from the underside-outer-saucer-section to the assigned airlock, to shed and stow an EVA suit, for trepidation to slow and hasten the walk to deck 9.

The door chimed, double-tone chirp.

Jovenan: Enter!

Swoosh. Grey doors parted. Clad in black and gold, the Andorian stepped into the brightly lit office. His skin was paler than usual, a washed-out chalky blue.

Tho’Bi: ::quiet:: Reporting as ordered, Lieutenant Commander. 

Jovenan: Yes, thank you for coming, Ensign. Please sit down.

The young Andorian nodded and ambled his tired legs over to the chair. His one-meter ninety-centimeter frame, an ill-fit for the snug, generic chair. Once sat, his legs splayed outwards at obliged angles, his arms propped awkward and barely contained. 

Jovenan could tell that his mannerism and behaviour were different from what he had been during the mission, already making her think that Lt Udesky had a point.

Jovenan: Sorry if I interrupted you in the middle of something important. Were you working or enjoying the shoreleave?

Tho’Bi: Replacing shield emitters on the outer saucer section, Lieutenant Commander. 

Jovenan nodded.

Jovenan: I take it that there’s a lot of damage that need extensive attention?

Tho’Bi: The EPS Network, a lot of bl-blown plasma relays :: voice thins out ::

The Andorian shifted without purpose. The acrid sting of burned plasma bit at his nose, while his antennae remained at ease. It was an odd, disquietening collision of sensations.

Jovenan, on the other hand, remained still. Although her expression wasn’t stern, she wasn’t yet showing her growing concern of him.

Jovenan: I see. May I also assume that you have special skills that few if anyone in the Engineering department possess? ::looks at PADD, then back to Tho’Bi:: Considering you seem to have booked more EVA hours than others and seem to be working or occupied most of the time.

Tho’Bi: I grew up on Deep Space 3 so ::shrugs:: EVA is like… sliding on ice.

The Andorian could have left it at that, but for a quiet compulsion to talk.

Tho’Bi: But it’s… quiet out there.

Jovenan squinted her eyes. She couldn’t tell if the Ensign was trying to dodge from saying what she wanted to hear from him, or if he was being sincere. She sighed and decided to just go straight to the topic.

Jovenan: Ensign… Tho’Bi. Is it possible that you’re overworking yourself and seeking quiet because you feel guilty of what happened? About how the battle with the Orion destroyers went for us?

Andorians would never be so direct. Outside of the bonded four, such questions would not be asked; but what was that to the space-born Andorian? He did not know, yet still the culture of that distant frozen moon lingered. 

Tho’Bi: ::hushed:: I don't… 

His gaze drifted, his mind seeking anchorage.  

Tho'Bi: ::breathless and thinning out:: I should have given you the option…

The Andorian gaze finally met the Lieutenant Commander's. His dark blue eyes shimmered with tears. 

Jovenan brought her eyebrows together. She didn’t regret her direct question, as it had allowed Tho’Bi to break the barrier around him, but she wished she had been able to predict his emotional response in the way she asked it.

Tho'Bi: ::choked:: I should have given you the option to divert power from the Deflector Array back to the Inertial Dampeners…

His face was fixed in a grimace, his mouth movements small, but as he blinked, first one and then a second tear fell. 

Looking at him, something ached at the bottom of Jovenan’s stomach. She knew well that there was no point in dwelling in the past choices, but she also something in him that she hadn’t always been immune to herself either.

Tho'Bi: ::choked tight:: When the Orion Dreadnaught fired… I should have given you the option.

The senior officer stood up from her seat and walked around the desk. She sat down to the chair next to him and looked straight up to his eyes, thinking for a moment what to say.

Jovenan: Tho’Bi… Your suggestions were successful. No one died. It was a difficult situation, and I wouldn’t have expected anything less nor anything more of you. I would have asked…

The corner of her mouth twitched. Fully owing the results of the subordinates’ suggestions wasn’t always the wisest tactic, but she couldn’t escape the conclusion that her inexperience in the command had been the source for his perceived failures.

Jovenan: I could have asked for other alternatives if I had doubted your suggestions. But I didn’t, so you couldn’t say more. I made the judgments on the bridge, so tell me, were my decisions wrong?

Not for the first time, the young Andorian Ensign found himself struck by how different Lieutenant Commander Jovenan was compared to the other senior officers aboard Artemis. Where the others remained detached, she sought connection. Where the others advocated discipline, she advanced debate.

Tho’Bi: ::quiet deliberate:: I ran the Simulations ::tilts head:: If… you had given the order to reroute power back to the Inertial Dampeners ::deep shaky breath:: taking into account decision time, the condition of the EPS network…

The young Ensign swallowed hard. He felt a wash of dizziness swirl about his head. His three-dimensional sense of the room and beyond, reduced to Lieutenant Commander Jovenan and himself, surrounded by an ever-shifting mess of incoherent vibrations. His antennae flexed in a reflex attempt to compensate, but to no avail. 

Tho’Bi: ::looking aside:: …we would still have seen a ten to fifteen percent improvement in Inertial Dampeners performance….

The young Andorian looked at Jovenan. His voice was hushed and softer than before.

Tho’Bi: …It would have made a difference.

The Andorian’s voice seemed to linger in the air between them for terrible moments. 

Jovenan broke the eye contact as her gaze wandered around the room. Going through decisions in hindsight was always going to result in finding better alternatives, but diverting power to the Inertial Dampeners would have been such an easy thing for her to ask. Was she in the wrong?

Jovenan: … But?

Tho’Bi: ::deliberate quiet:: But… without the power going to the Deflector Array ::shakes head:: we would have lost the fake Warp signatures.

The Andorian let out a long, deep shaky exhale. The psychosomatic fog shrouding his antennae dissipated some.  

Jovenan nodded and dropped her gaze again. Changing history was like toppling a domino and hoping nothing else fell. Would the bridge crew have been able to come up with an alternative to the warp signature fakery? How much did that particular tactic contribute to the end result?

Tho’Bi: ::apologetic tone:: I don't… if they knew we were faking it… if they knew we were faking the warp signatures ::breath runs out:: 

A second desperate breath shuddered up through the Andorian’s stomach to his shoulders.

Tho'Bi: ::shakes head:: I don’t know what the Orions would have done ::half shrug:: I don't… I'm not a Tactical Officer ::voice runs dry to nothing::

Banishing the pressing thoughts from her mind for now, Jovenan looked up at Tho’Bi again and tried to smile.

Jovenan: Nor do I. I don’t think anyone really has. Maybe the Orions had another, more effective trick in their sleeves that they would have used if they didn’t think we were getting backups. We only know that we picked the right choices for us to win. If a Q offered to move you to the timeline where you gave me the other alternative, would you accept? Without knowing how it ended?

The Engineer looked down at his feet. He could feel the steady pulse of the Warp Reactor through the decking.  

Six decks below them, in Main Engineering, deep within the reactor assembly, electromagnetically charged dilithium crystals allowed for the controlled interaction of antihydrogen and deuterium, resulting in a massive release of energy, feeding plasma into the ship's Electro Plasma System which powered the ships systems through an extensive network of conduits and relays. 

One such EPS conduit ran beneath his feet. Causality. A clear chain of cause and effect. The basis on which all Engineering decisions were made.  

The young Ensign looked up at Lieutenant Commander Jovenan. Could he, an Engineer, contemplate an offer from a Q of an alternate timeline of unknown outcome? Could he opt for an option in the absence of causality? With no clear chain of cause and effect?  

No. It was simply not how he saw the world. How he chose to understand it. 

Tho'Bi: ::quiet:: No… No, I would not. …I could not. ::weary smile:: 

Jovenan: I wouldn’t either. I believe the humans have an expression, “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t”. Either way, you’ve made choices you can’t change, and as you said, wouldn’t change even if you could. Does that sound like something you should keep worrying about?

Tho’Bi: ::hushed:: No… I suppose not. ::feigns a smile:: 

There was a slight, but detectable shudder through the hull. The lights in the room dimmed and various displays flickered for a short few seconds. The Engineer looked around the room in search of a culprit. 

Ping! An ensemble of terminals and PADDS lit up with the same message directed at the young Engineering Ensign. Ordinarily, internal ship communications were done by combadge, but in the event of an emergency and/or heavy repair schedules, automated notices could be sent out.

Tho'Bi: ::reading PADD:: A plasma conduit blew on deck 12. ::looks up:: I am the nearest Engineer ::bows head:: with your permission, Lieutenant Commander. 

Jovenan: By all means, Ensign.

The young Ensign stood to leave.  

Tho'Bi: ::deliberate:: Thank you, Lieutenant Commander. Thank you for your time. It has been helpful.

Jovenan smiled in response. It was easy to say something had helped, but she wanted to believe he had meant that. Still, she knew that there weren’t shortcuts to healing or betterment.

Jovenan: You’re welcome. Just… Find yourself some time. Go check the broken conduit, but after that, you don’t have to volunteer for anything. And go talk with someone.

The young Ensign bowed. Upon reaching the door, he turned. 

Tho'Bi: For what it is worth… I thought you did very well on the bridge. It was an honour to serve under your command.  

Jovenan: Thank you. The honour is mine, although the next time, I’ll try to leave you with less work afterwards.

After the Engineer left and the door closed, Jovenan sighed. She remembered how she had been at that point of her career and after that. If her suggestions had caused similar damage, she might have felt not much different from what he felt now. Indeed, she had made mistakes that were arguably worse. So what had changed? Had she started to forgive herself her mistake, or was ignoring one’s failings just a skill that grew with time? Perhaps Tho’Bi would learn that skill eventually… Perhaps Jovenan would too.

((TIMESKIP - 10 MINUTES LATER))

((Corridors - Deck 12, USS Artemis))

The young Ensign moved in quick quiet strides, his head down. Repairs took place all along the gradually curved corridor. Boxes of spare parts and discarded damaged parts littered the outside edges of the battle scared walkways. Lights blinked and console displays stuttered. The Artemis crew numbers swelled with those based on Deep Space 224. The deck heaved with the stink of blown conduit and heavy heat of too many bodies for one space.

And yet he felt detached from this mass of collective effort. For all the conduits he repaired, for all the EVA shifts he worked, for all of his part in this mass effort, only he had sat on the bridge, only he had routed power the way he did… only he could find his way to live with it.

But first… he had a plasma conduit to fix.

————————————

Ensign Tho’Bi

Engineering

USS Artemis-A

A240203T11

And

Lieutenant Commander Jovenan

Chief Science Officer

USS Artemis-A

E239911J11