[JP] Cmdr. Genkos Adea & PNPC Gila Sadar - Quality of Mercy, Price of Compassion ( Part I )

[LT Tamio K'Wara]

(( Holodeck 2 - Deck 6, USS Eagle ))

((( Timestamp: before it blew up )))

Genkos stood, his hands interlaced over the hand of his cane as he waited for the call to connect. His stomach was a little bundle of nerves, which was odd because he wasn’t the one in trouble. But he supposed he just didn’t want what Addison had said to be true.

Gila, for her part, was ultimately extremely conflicted about the impending call. When she’d received word that Commander Adea of the USS Eagle - commanding officer, by the way - wanted to talk to her in the Holodeck, she nearly wished Captain MacKenzie had in fact airlocked her instead of mercifully shipping her off to DS224. In the afterlife, there’d be no disciplinary hearings with her former boss.

Of course, she had the option of just not going. But was that really an option? No. She knew that Commander Adea’s family lived on DS224, and all things considered, she’d much rather subject herself to this while he was lightyears away on the Eagle, rather than while he stood physically in front of her within swordcane reach. So, she waited, as the Holodeck connection was established. Then, the holodeck disappeared and formed into a generic Starfleet office.

Genkos gestured to the chairs on either side of the small table, and took a seat himself. He fiddled with his cane a moment, before resting it against the table, and then interlaced his hands in front of him. 

Commander Adea being in casual dress somehow made this even more uncomfortable than Gila had anticipated, and she absent-mindedly moved to fidget with her anxiety ring.

Adea: ::after a pause:: So…Um. How are you?

Not the question she had anticipated, at all, and for a moment, Gila stared at him, confused. Then, she collected herself.

Sadar: ... G-Good, Si- Commander... A-All things considered. ::looks around uncomfortably before taking a seat:: A-And how about you? N-News from the, uhh, Atrian Reaches don’t make it to DS224 that often.

She flattened the skirt of her ochre Yael-robe uneasily, picking nervously at the fabric.

Adea: I am well, ::he went to gesture to his uniform, but remembered he was dressed casually:: they made me the CO… Listen, I spoke to Addison, ::he fixed her with his dark ebony eyes:: and I’d like to hear it in your words, please Gila.

Gila froze slightly at the mention of Captain MacKenzie, but honestly, she’d known this was what was coming. While she and the Commander’s relationship had moved slightly beyond just colleagues- to the point where she hadn’t felt as uncomfortable having just friendly chats over tea - they were not so friendly that he would call her just to catch up. Yet, despite having always known this was what they had to speak about, she still squirmed uneasily in the chair. His need for the conversation was reasonable though. He’d been her direct superior for most of her career. It was completely logical that he felt the need to verify the extent of her crimes... And worse, determine whether any of them had occurred under his watch.

Sadar: H-How much... I, I don’t know- ::sighs:: From the beginning?

Genkos took a deep breath - as much as he felt sympathy for her - after all, it seemed like one bad judgment call had led to a cavalcade of lies - he had also forgotten that her anxiety could be quite aggravating. So he kept his voice calm, and reassuring.

Adea: Please… Take your time.

Sadar: D-Did you, uhm, s-see the X-Rays? Th-The real ones, I mean.

Genkos nodded, having seen them when Addison shared the file with him. He hadn’t quite believed them, when he saw them.

Adea: I did - these… mandibles, how long?

Sadar: I-I don’t know when they first developed... I had numerous check-ups at the Academy, as ordered, a-and no one ever saw anything like that. B-But the first time I, ::shaky breath:: I saw them, was during my temporary reassignment to the Kitty Hawk for F-Frontier Day. ::bunches up her robe in clenched fists:: I was afraid... ::hyperventilates slightly:: I-I didn’t know- I thought-

Genkos resisted the urge to lean forward and touch her - it was more likely to make her worse than better. So instead he simply held up both his pale hands, and gestured conciliatorily. 

Adea: Gila, stop… breath.

She stopped herself, forcing herself to take a breath. It was strange. No matter how many times she was forced to reconcile this, no matter how many times she’d had to explain it, or excuse it, or validate her choices, it never got easier to talk about.

Sadar: I-I put off the m-mandatory X-Rays for months afterwards. I-I was afraid, I didn’t want to- ::bites into her cheek:: But I couldn’t put it off indefinitely. A-And the X-Rays, they were- ::sighs:: I-I didn’t want to face that, I was dangerous. I am dangerous. S-So I chose to fake them... I p-put old X-Rays with n-new dating in my chart, to keep them hidden... ::bows her head:: I-I’m sorry, Sir.

Genkos nodded, and pushed up off the table with both hands. His left hand languidly gestured towards the holographic replicator.

Adea: I see. I know you’re not a fan of tea, but can I get you… something?

Gila - who was dangerously close to crying, but not quite there yet - quickly rubbed the sleeve of her robe against her face, shaking her head slowly. And then, she stopped. There was something so familiar and nostalgic about the scenario, that it made the conversation even worse.

Sadar: ... F-Ferengi Spiced Tea?

Genkos went, ordered and brought them back. If it occurred to him that in the holodeck he could merely order to the thin air, he shoved it aside. He needed a bit of time to process what he’d been told, and how it was clearly very raw for the Mizarian in front of him.

He placed a tray in front of them, and poured himself a small cup of uttaberry green tea. It was too hot to drink, but he clasped the mug tightly in one hand, feeling the heat almost burning his skin.

Adea: There we go. Gila, I don’t really know what to say. A moment’s lack of judgement, caused by your very own anxieties. It’s understandable, very much so… ::he paused:: But you must know, you, of all the people I’ve ever served with, are the last one I would ever consider “dangerous”.

Under normal circumstances, that might have elicited a ‘thank you’. Under normal circumstances, she would also consider herself one of the least dangerous people in a given locale. But these weren’t normal circumstances, and it was not every day that you found out you held literal sharpened appendages in your skull whose usually rather brutal appearances you had zero control over.

Sadar: Once, I would’ve agreed with you, Sir... B-But I saw- ::deep breath:: I-It was only a matter of time before I hurt someone. I-I couldn’t- ::looks up:: When I got p-put in danger on the mission to Galaris IV, I-I almost attacked one of the Kobyari. ::quiet voice:: And I don’t think they would’ve survived it…

Not for the first time, Gila remembered the sickening crunch of metal and fibre getting torn, the sensation of bone grinding through solid steel. She tightened her hands together until her knuckles grew white, willing the memory away. If Lieutenant Gnai’s suit couldn’t withstand it, what hope was there for a being of flesh and blood?

Genkos focused on her whitening hands, and resisted the urge to place a hand on them. It wasn’t likely to reassure her, even if they were across the vastness of space from one another.

Adea: Take a breath, Gila. But I take it they did survive, and that you should take comfort in that.

Sadar: ... I-I know I should... ::takes an apprehensive sip of spiced tea:: ... S-Sir, I w-want to tell you... I-I didn’t- M-My- ::breath:: My misconduct, i-it happened just before your transfer to the Eagle. 

Genkos nodded once, without emotion. Addison had told him that, that the deception had happened under his watch. And although he was hurt by it, there was a layer of understanding in him too.

Adea: I know, Addison told me. Why didn’t you just speak to us?

And this was the part Gila never knew how to put into words. The one question that everyone seemingly wanted to ask of her, and the one answer that Gila had no clue how to formulate. It seemed so very simple, probably: ‘you could’ve just said something’...

Sadar: I-I don’t know... When you l-left, I- ::uneasy breath:: C-Captain MacKenzie made me Assistant Chief... And I couldn’t- I couldn’t bear it, knowing what I’d done-

Adea: So you confessed?

Sadar: A-As soon as we left Galaris IV...

Genkos took a deep sip of his tea, before placing it back down. The heat was still almost too much, but he relished the physical sensation as a distraction from the emotional turmoil going on underneath.

Adea: You knew you’d done wrong, and that your actions were incompatible with your new post. I can see why that caused you to confess. But I want to know, why didn’t you just tell someone? Anyone?

Gila wasn’t sure she was speaking out loud. There was a rushing in her ears that prevented her from hearing the words as anything but a wounded echo, reverberating through her skull. Tears wouldn’t be stopped now, as she looked down at her hands and the cup of tea in front of her.

Sadar: How do you tell people you’re a monster?

Genkos quirked an eyebrow at her, then folded his arms. 

Adea: Your best friend is a jellyfish in a tank. You’ve served with human-sized cats that used to hunt my people. Hells, even Jovenan comes from a planet where the laws used to be so strict you could be executed for stepping on the grass. And you think you’re a monster?

Gila looked down at her hands. Commander Adea’s point was a valid one. The definition of monster was very different depending on the people examining the monster in question. She was certain that, to the ancient Betazoids, Caitians would seem like monsters, and yet the answer was more complex than that.

Sadar: I-I’m not-

Adea: I’m just saying, physiology doesn’t make you a monster. Nature or nurture don’t make monsters - a monster is something you choose to be.

She knew he wasn’t wrong. She’d met countless different kinds of aliens in her journeys since leaving Mizabet, many of whom her people would consider monsters: they were too aggressive, they were too creative, they were too quizzical, they held violence and greed as the most important cornerstones of their creeds. And yet, Gila had found friends, aliens with different belief systems and convictions than she had once considered impossible, and yet still beings of intelligence and experiences worth sharing and celebrating...

And yet…

She touched her ramial bone, imagining that she felt the weapons concealed within. She didn’t want to think them capable of hurting those she cared about. She would never, but she didn’t know how to stop them. Alerting the Artemis’ medical staff to their existence could’ve allowed them to study them, find out what triggered them, find out a sensible way for her to keep control, even when faced with danger…

And yet...

oO I would’ve proven them right Oo

It made her sick. Coming to terms with that awful thought made her feel dirty and so dreadfully small. That she’d been willing to sacrifice her career, her friendships, her found family aboard the Artemis-A, all because she refused to admit that the Council had been right... She’d let them dictate her life, again, and as a result, she’d lost everything. Even Kolya...

Sadar: I’m sorry, Sir.

Genkos regarded her passively - he had gotten used to her outbursts of emotion when they’d served together, but this, this was something else entirely.

Adea: You’re not in Starfleet any more, Gila, you don’t have to call me sir.

Sadar: I-I know, I- ::pause:: M-Mizarian culture, it... It’s unforgiving. B-Being ambitious, or curious, or creative, o-or- ::quick breath:: I-I’ve been trying to find a way to, to reconcile being Mizarian and being me, a-and... R-Realizing that, p-perhaps, there was no way to do so, I- ::bites her cheek:: I panicked...

Adea: And that panic, those voices in your head, they overtook your senses, didn’t they?

She nodded slowly.

Sadar: To us, nature makes monsters... I-It’s not a choice.

Genkos leaned forward, and this time, he did put a gentle hand on hers, giving it the barest of squeezes. Gila’s initial instinct was to recoil, her personal space being invaded by a senior- No, not senior officer... She wasn’t in Starfleet anymore. And keeping that in mind, she stayed in place. 

Adea: They’re wrong, Gila. In this regard, they are wrong.

Gila couldn’t muster a response to that, simply nodding slowly.

Genkos took a deep breath, knowing that what he was about to say could damage his relationship with Addison, but he couldn’t forgive himself if he didn’t at least try.

Adea: I should have a little time after we investigate this Proust Station business. How about I come out there and… and we see what can be done about these, these mandibles did you call them?

Sadar: ::breath hitches:: S-Sir, I... ::grows quiet:: Y-Yes. I-In appearance, they bear resemblance to, uhh, serrated mandibles, similar to those found in many insects.

Genkos nodded, suddenly all business. His medical brain was working overtime as he considered the possibilities. It was a muscle that hadn’t been used for a while, but he was pleased to have the opportunity to work it, even if it was in such unpleasant circumstances.

Adea: Okay, interesting, so what data do you have on it?

Sadar: I-I haven’t... ::twists anxiety band:: I only have the X-Rays, and what conjecture I’ve made from... O-Observation.

Genkos pursed his lips and nodded as he took in what she was saying.

Adea: Understood. Let me check my schedule and I can get back to you.

Sadar: S- Commander Adea... Y-Your offer is appreciated, b-but... I-Is this the time to leave the Reaches? I can, uhh... ::hesitates::

Ask a civilian doctor? No. While Gila was hesitant to ask Commander Adea, the Commanding Officer of the Eagle, for assistance for something like this, she also knew she could trust him with it. And she knew herself well enough that even if she wanted to ask a stranger for help with it, she’d chicken out at the last minute. Commander Adea wouldn’t let her.

Sadar: ... Th-Thank you, Commander. I would... A-Appreciate the help.

Genkos smiled at her, the first warm smile he’d had since the meeting had begun. The acceptance of help was pure character growth from her, and he wasn’t going to stifle it.

Adea: It’s a good excuse to see my mother… and a better excuse to get out of spending too much time with her.

In spite of herself, a breathless chuckle was dragged from her at Commander Adea’s jest. It felt like such a return to form for him, something so familiar, that she could do nothing else.

TBC in Part II

JP Written by:

Cmdr. Genkos Adea

Commanding Officer

USS Eagle

G239502GS0

&

PNPC Gila Sadar

Civilian

DS224

As simmed by

LT Tamio K'Wara

Chief of Ops

USS Artemis-A

A240006GS1