LtCmdr Jovenan – Friends and crewmates
Jovenan
((Chief Science Officer’s office, Deck 9, USS Artemis))
Jovenan couldn’t tell how long she had been silent. The reality and her own body felt unreal and distant, as if her mind had moved to another place and was now watching the scene play out behind a translucent glass or on a computer screen, one that she would expect to find controls to rewind or fast-forward the event, but none were available. It hadn’t been the question that had triggered her to this state, not directly, but what she wanted to answer to it. She didn’t know what she wanted to tell Vitor, everything or nothing, to reveal him the central parts of her identity and let her heart bleed out, or to hide under the familiar and safe cloak, not permitting him to know why she was hurting him like this? Pulling her mind back to her body so that she could respond, everything seemed to crave her attention, the smallest sensations on her skin and ears, but her eyes were to her lap, and just at the edge of her vision, he had remained still, patiently.
Jovenan: I… I don’t… I’ve never felt just like this before, no, and I don’t know how to do any of this. When I was on my homeworld, I found out that while I felt, but I couldn’t love like the other Edo do, and the University was the same. I… I thought I couldn’t love anyone, that I could never reciprocate what they wanted. And, I thought this couldn’t be any different. I was afraid that it wouldn’t change, I wouldn’t, or that I would make a mistake, and you would come to hate me, and I would lose my friend.
She had rarely if ever said something so personal to another person, and even if she trusted Vitor in everything, the confession had made her hands shake and her legs tingle. She wanted to flee, but she also felt weak and unusually defenceless. Moving her hands away, sitting on them, she wanted to avoid him noticing how nervous and anxious she was for them to shake, although she supposed the gesture itself was rather revealing.
Silveira: Nan, you won’t lose me just because you're having trouble with your feelings. Even if you didn’t feel anything more, we will always be friends. But I also don’t want to push you, to force you to feel something you don’t. I came to terms with my feelings for you a little more easily. You shouldn’t be afraid to lose me…
Jovenan almost wanted to nod quietly, but she remained still. There were few people she felt safer with than Vitor, there were few people that were more considerate or gentle or caring than him. He would never force her to something she didn’t want, she hadn’t questioned that, but his assurance of that comforted her. He could always find the words to make her better. The way he was him, he was perfect. The thought persisted: she hadn’t done anything to deserve the love of a person like him. The way she was her, she thought she was unloveable.
Jovenan: You deserve someone else. Someone who can respond to your feelings and who doesn’t cry when they really want to do is kiss you. ::nervous laughter, raises eyes to him:: I just want you to be happy.
She didn’t know what she wanted him to say next. She didn’t want him to agree with her and walk away, but it would have made things simpler. At the same time, she didn’t want him to disagree with her and insist against her just for her sake, which would just make her hurt him even further. She had led him to crossroads where both options would lead either of them being hurt.
He opened his arms and smiled. In the crossroads, he had stepped onto the grass and was testing for the consequences.
Silveira: That is just what I want for you… To make you happy… I love you Nan…
She couldn’t hold it back any more, and instead, quickly leaned in forwards and flung her arms around him. Entwined into an embrace in the awkward pose they were in, she rested her head against his shoulder. Not crying any more, her heart didn’t race with leashed passion nor with the poisonous doubt, no longer, but with the simple, safe, calming feeling of genuine love.
Jovenan: Can I say it again? I love you, Vitor Emotional Chaos Wreck Stone Silveira.
Behind his back, she smiled. Those had been his words, but they still continued to make her smile. He always managed to do that.
Silveira: That’s a mouth full but I’ll take it. ::Again he held her tightly and almost felt her heart beating next to his. Again he whispered next to her ear.:: I love you…
Hearing those words whispered to her ear made the smile widen. She wanted to hear him say that again, repeat it next to her ear for the rest of their lives and all the remaining days of the eternity. I love you. Sin karas ren. Those words managed to cause her heart to race and muscles to relax simultaneously, making her both energetic and calm. The skin around her eyes felt puffy after crying, but the eyes were beaming with joy.
Jovenan: And I love you.
They parted, but just a little. His hands behind her back guided her gently as they faced each other, looking at one another to the eyes before closing the gap and kissing. It was a soft kiss, one that could have lasted forever and yet only took a moment. It was their second kiss, but it was the first of its kind, simple, one without confusion or a question if it had been appropriate or if it would make their lives more difficult. A kiss, sincere, blissful, warm, and when they parted, there no part of their previous thoughts lingered any more. Looking at his gleaming eyes, she almost laughed of how easy and light she felt now.
Silveira: I… I am not sure what to say… Other than I love you… And I have something to ask you…
Jovenan: Anything.
He pulled her a bit closer again. More than before, she enjoyed hearing his heart beat with hers.
Silveira:
I am thinking that we should still be friends, so let me ask
you…
Jovenan, will you give me the honor of being my
girlfriend?
Jovenan pulled back a little, not enough for him to release his hold of her back, but so that she could see his face properly. Her voice didn’t hide her surprise, but unlike before, there was no hesitation or doubt, merely surprise.
Jovenan: Oh. ::thinks:: I never thought I would be a girlfriend. I’m not sure if I know how to be one.
Her knowledge of being a couple was entirely theoretical. So far, she had observed people being girlfriends and boyfriends only out of scientific curiosity, and there weren’t too many such samples on the Artemis. Such arrangements were a rarity among the Edo, almost unheard of among the people who saw no need for permanent nor even partially exclusive relationships. The Somian Edo words that could have been used to describe the proposed relationship were either clumsy neologisms or carried a slightly different meaning. Her view of the daily life of a couple had largely originated from the books; she didn’t know what it was like in practise. Her eyes wandered as she was thinking.
Silveira: Response
Her gaze darted back to Vitor’s eyes. She smiled.
Jovenan: Yes. I’ll be your girlfriend.
Silveira: Response
She leaned in again to hug him. She took in everything of him, the warmth of his body, the softness of his skin against her cheek, the sound of his beating heart, his smell. There were no doubts nor shame, she was his and he was hers. They were a couple.
Jovenan: ::excited:: I have a boyfriend! ::leans back, looks at Silveira to the eyes:: You’re my boyfriend!
And she kissed him again and dropped down from the chair to his arms on the floor.
Silveira: Response
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Lieutenant Commander Jovenan
Chief Science Officer
USS Artemis-A
E239911J11