Lt Jovenan – Broken, and apart
Jovenan
((Elysium, Deck 6, USS Artemis))
The conversation had turned from Vitor to Jovenan. She wasn’t opposed to sharing her personal life with him, after all, he had done the same, and she considered him a good friend. A year ago or so, she had talked about her old family on Rubicun with Hiro, resulting in her breaking in tears. Vitor obviously had much happening to him, and Jovenan didn’t want to burden him any further with her own problems. Then again, that conversation in particular had made Jovenan and Hiro much closer, and finding such a close partner in Vitor would have made her happy. Still, fidgeting with her utensils, she tried to find the correct words.
Jovenan: It’s just… far away. Even if we had months of shore leave, the only way I could get there and back in time would be a slipstream starliner. Those aren’t too frequent, certainly not now. No, I’m needed more here. I’m not even sure if they remember me any more.
She had attempted to state all that without letting out too much of her emotions, but at the final sentence, her voice cracked a little. Vitor seemed to notice it. Withdrawing her gaze down to the table, she wondered if she should have gone that far after all.
Silveira: I understand the responsibility, but you must take a break as well. And… I don't mean to pry but it could do you some good to visit. How long has it been?
Jovenan: I moved out ten years ago and after that, I haven’t been visiting for more than a few times, briefly. I do love them, and maybe they still love me, but I just… didn’t fit in, really. The last time I saw any of them was six years ago, staying with them for a while when moving from University to the Academy. I haven’t even seen a single other Edo in that time… well, except her…
There was so much she wanted to tell him but couldn’t. In truth, she didn’t want to tell any of it. He, of all the people on the ship, was the person she could find safe and accepting, but she didn’t find the courage to tell any of it right now. At least she had said something. She wanted to believe he knew and that he would have said something that made her feel a little less broken.
But more than anything, she had reminded him and herself of something that had broken them both further. There had been her. Jovenan had often tried to forget her, because that’s what was supposed to happen to the spirits, if they existed: live, die, fade into everything and eventually be forgotten. That’s what she had taught Vitor of their traditions, and that’s what she wanted to go by, regardless of her own beliefs. Yet, she rarely could truly abandon the memory, short but powerful, and turning her eyes to his, she wondered.
Jovenan: Do you still think of her often? The other Jovenan.
Vitor met her eyes with his and, without hesitation, nodded.
Silveira: Most likely more than I should.
He remained silent for a moment. Jovenan allowed it, be it for finding words or for contemplation. If saying goodbye to the memory had been difficult for her, the amount of pain he felt was something she couldn’t truly fathom. She had barely known her sister-across-the-universes; he had fallen in love. She didn’t fully know what that felt like.
Then, he continued, and Jovenan couldn’t tell what he was about to say.
Silveira: It was the thought of her that made me act on the bridge. ::he leaned back, never breaking eye contact.:: I was thinking of her when I jumped to save you. I couldn't make the same mistake again and lose you as well. In a way I owe you my life.
He. He saw her in... her. In a way, she had known he might, but she couldn’t have imagined how strongly he still felt that. Jovenan could feel empathy, endearment and confusion each rise within her as she tried to understand what he had told her.
Jovenan: In… in what way?
He leaned in, coming very close to her, never breaking the eye contact.
Silveira: CloQ mused on my “punishment” when we first faced him. One of the threats was… “Shall I bring you to the time you are assimilated?”. I thought nothing of it… Until I saw Jaseb and the other’s. And when they were Borg. I…
Leaning back, his eyes finally left hers. She shook her head. The entity he had mention had caused them much suffering, and even when they weren’t there, they continued to hurt them.
Jovenan: Vitor. It’s okay, it didn’t happen, they lied. You must know CloQ always lies.
He shook his head as well and closed his eyes. Jovenan kept her eyes to him, patiently allowing him to find whatever he wanted to say. It was obvious that, whatever it was, it was painfully difficult for him. She wasn’t as strong to keep him safe from the Borg nor the Q, but at least she could be with him in the times like these.
Silveira: I know, but… I was already an officer when you left home. I have been shot at, stabbed, fought in ship battles, mentally assaulted by an Iconian that left me in a coma for almost two years… Fear has and will always be there. But I was terrified. I almost ran and hide. ::Vitor looked at Nan and slowly moved his hand to hers… He clumsily took it back as he winced.:: Not even the thought of Jonathan in danger made me move. But when I saw the drone near you… I saw Jo. I saw the moment when I wasn’t there to save her. That’s what triggered me… That’s why I managed to move instead of hiding.
Jovenan
pursed her lips, sucking them in. He,
always so strong, had allowed himself to become so vulnerable telling
her this. What he had said…
He had said a lot, more than she could have expected of him. She wanted to console him, to shield and protect him, cry with him if he so wanted.
But before she could say anything, he had raised his hands and placed them on her hands, enclosing them in a gentle hold. Her lips parted and eyes widened as her gaze went to the hands and then straight to his eyes in quick order. For a moment, she considered pulling her hands away, feeling almost as if she had violated her own rules and his integrity and privacy by allowing him to take her hands. However, she didn’t do anything, instead allowing him to do so. His hands were warm, and she felt that warmth radiate to her body and mind. It was sudden, but it felt… nice.
Silveira: Forgive me, I am burdening you and making it awkward. You are so much alike… ::Vitor paused, shaking his head.:: Were so much alike, but yet so much apart. And my feelings for you… I remember the first time I saw you in the Excalibur briefing. It’s been a pleasure and an honor to see you grow and I just… I just want to make you happy, protect you and help you in any way I can.
Jovenan: I…
Her mouth remained open, but no voice came through. Her brain was filled with words, bungled and incomprehensible, but none were said. The words, unknown even to herself, were caught in her throat, pressing against like tears she had swallowed.
Sometimes, her friends and colleagues aboard the Artemis had been so kind as to thank her for the times she had succeeded. But… this was not like that. She also remembered one time in particular, when Vitor had, her senior back then, called her to his office urgently in order to compliment her of her skills and growth. This, this was not like that either, although she felt something similar remaining, an emotion that had persisted.
This was not a compliment. This felt like it was meant to be more.
She couldn’t even spell the word out for herself.
Feeling conflicted, she was unable to do anything for a while but to look at him, her mouth slightly ajar, silly and pathetic. Her heart was racing again, but this time, she didn’t know if it was good or bad. Her thoughts were foggy, her stomach taking turns and her hands, tucked between his, were warm. She didn’t want to pull away, but she knew this wasn’t… This wasn’t right, not what was meant to be.
Jovenan: Vitor. I’m not her.
Her voice was needlessly stern. Adjusting her tone and keeping her eyes in his, she felt awful for saying that.
Silveira: Response
Jovenan: You… You’re very dear to me, I couldn’t imagine surviving here without you. You showed me an example what it meant to be here, and now, you’re a friend, someone who I can trust and talk to, who I can rely on whenever I need. And I want to be that person for you, too. But I’m not her, I’m not… I’m not your Jo. You are, were attracted to her, you fell in… you fell in for her, but I can’t be her for you.
She pulled her hands away from his hold. Immediately, she regretted doing so and everything she had said. Never before had she felt something so strongly she couldn’t truly name. She wanted to jump and tie her arms around him, to pull him closer until she felt his breath, to k— k—
Silveira: Response
Jovenan: ::almost cryingly:: Sorry. I didn’t mean to be mean. I thought…
Silveira: Response
TAG/TBC
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Lieutenant Jovenan
Chief Science Officer
USS Artemis-A
E239911J11