[BACKSIM] JP - Ens. Chevalier & Ens. Max Whitlock - It’s ok to see a therapist, part 2

[CPT Arianus]

(( Counsellor’s Office, USS Gorkon ))

Whitlock: Hello there, I’m Ensign Maximilian Whitlock of the USS Gorkon, who may you be? Can I be of assistance? Everything we discuss is confidential of course Ensign.

Jaseb gazed at the figure of the young counselor, pondering his words. Well, perhaps sharing just a name wouldn't do any harm, he mused.

Chevalier: I’m… Jaseb. I need…help.

As soon as he heard the sound of his own hoarse voice uttering those words, it felt like a floodgate had been opened within him, and he became acutely aware of the multitude of thoughts and emotions he had been holding back.

Chevalier: I’m just tired of… uh, I'm scared of being disappointment all the time, not knowing why. I’m…tired of being trying… trying… trying to change, and not knowing… how….

Max nodded, realising this was his first lifeline call, he’d never been called upon for this but had volunteered to help get more experience in the field.

Whitlock: Okay, I am here to help. Maybe we can start at the beginning? Tell me why you feel such a disappointment. To whom?

Jaseb let out a bittersweet chuckle, a mixture of sorrow and mirth.

Chevalier: To my crew. My family. My values, which I see more and more out of touch with everything the Federation presents. You know, I was... a redundant child of my parents. Mistake. Expected to grow up and never come back. Because there was no place for me in our society, where everyone has their own place. My place was to leave. They gave me all the education, preparation for my...they call it pilgrimage. It was always there, but always so distant, and then they just kick you out, and you are on your own. I tried to find a new place, and using the knowledge I found is great...but so outdated to the world out there. After a year or two, I was at this job fair, and there was this booth with Starfleet. So, what could I lose trying, hm? I tried to get into Starfleet Academy. I got in. Whether all those hours of Warp theory, Physics, Biology, and Foreign Affairs were for something in the end. Still, I think they did a favor to my father to let me in as part of accession talks with the Federation my planet has...because, oh my, how we are neobarbarians and behind you in basically everything... ::sadly smiles:: But as it turned out, even this last "great" decision of mine turned out to be a total failure. You leave everything behind, visit hundreds of worlds, get to know foreign cultures, get the medal... however much I do...change... I fail my crew again and again. Disappoint my boss, my friends, everyone. I'm left with me, a barbarian from some outer colony who never knew better…

Whitlock: There’s a lot to unpack there and I can tell this has been causing you a lot of anguish. Firstly, let me assure you that you’re not a disappointment to anyone who matters. In a galaxy filled with uncertainty, you chose to serve in Starfleet, to be some part of the machine of change. Never forget that. Your family may not be your salvation or your place of comfort, but you have a new family now, in your crew, your ship, your fleet. Your skills add to that of us all and bring us closer to our mission as a group. You didn’t get to where you are by accident, Ensign, you earned your place, just like I did, just like the rest of our crew did. Why do you feel less than the rest of us?

Chevalier gazed off into the distance beyond the monitor.

Chevalier: Because… I feel I broke everything I touch. Because you care and I don’t. My people live for the greater good, even at our expense. Pain should make us stronger and… I’m not. There are days I feel like everything is ok, and I cry at night for no reason. Or the day is total hell, and I feel nothing. On our last mission we… ::stops mid-sentence and snorts:: yeah, that’s actually classified. Simply said, I got shot, we were betrayed, and crashed the shuttle, shot down to the ground. We did everything right, and still, everything just exploded into our faces. I thought I had died, and no, everything was ok in the end. Let’s call it “simulation.” Huray! Shoreleave. R&R, parties, you know, let the steam off. And I almost died for real because I saw my fellow officers in danger. I rushed forward, you know, to save them. Greater good to make. Risk my own life. And I stepped on mine during mundane science training. The leg is gone. Yea, my fellows were saved, but the captain is furious. My name came to light again. Everything ever happens bad, I’m around, being part of it.

Max nodded cautiously, aiming to show a level of understanding alongside a sense of professionalism as he spoke of some serious concerns.

Whitlock: You lost your leg? I’m so sorry to hear that, but it doesn’t make you a disappointment, it makes you heroic. You put your body on the line for your crew mates, for Starfleet. That’s the job and it’s what we all sign up for. Your record speaks for itself. You’ve got a great academy record, why do you feel at odds? Are you worried because your upbringing wasn’t the best? You chose Starfleet and you’ve served well. We’re your family now, Ensign.

Chevalier: May the OPS send the matchbox containing what's left of me to you when I repeat your words to our captain? Because as much as you can mean it and have a true… three people, including me, were injured on a mundane scientific expedition. What I know as much from my people, the junior officer's head is falling from the chopping block much easier than others. Or maybe nothing happens. But you know, being connected to so many bad accidents and adjustment behavior problems… it’s just… you know, I received a Good Conduct ribbon for acts I was officially reprimanded into record. What does that mean?

Whitlock: When I was at the academy, we lost two cadets to a test mission, a simulation gone wrong. Are they any less brave? Are they any less of anything? Of course not. We all put ourselves into what we do, sometimes it ends in medals, in awards, in commendations, but we all know the risks, it often ends in us sacrificing ourselves for the belief of making a difference, to make the universe fair, just and moral. It’s not easy, but we do it anyway. You got your medal for good reason, your crew believes in you and your lack of a leg doesn’t stop you being a great officer, just someone I’d not lean on when drunk!

Max smiled, hoping the joke would hit the way he hoped it would, not wanting to upset the Ensign.

Whitlock: It sounds to me like your issue is less about your aptitude, but your loneliness and trust me, loneliness is one of the biggest killers in the universe. The good thing is that there’s a simple cure and you’ve taken the first dose by reaching out.

Jaseb took a deep breath before responding promptly.

Chevalier: But…how do you break that? You say once you are not okay, and now you are broken. You say what you need… they do not hear it. So you put on a mask until it’s not a mask, and you stop caring. You stop feeling. You better become numb. I must have said “I’m fine” at least thirty-five times today. And I did not mean it once. But that is what I am supposed to say, right? I’m fine, keep on moving, it’s what we all say. No one wants to hear you are not ok, you are hurt, you have nightmares, you suffer if you feel anything, same as if you feel nothing. You are pushed to keep pretending like you are ok, you do not need to process all the horrors you just experienced, you can work it through while running forward to another horror, another crisis; witnessing another friend or colleague shot by whatever our enemy is today, stabbed by some alternative versions of ourselves from another reality, butchered by random transport accident or experiencing whatever named or something worst yourself. You can cry into a pillow at night, but in the morning, you get up and go to work. Just move forward. Because… as you said it - we signed for this.

Max shook his head, not out of dismissal or malice, but because he knew this response was so common. Many people felt the same, that if they admit to having a problem all anyone would ever see was someone less than perfect. Of course it wasn’t true, it was just a brave option that many didn’t have the guts for.

Whitlock: Admitting you’re struggling does not make everyone see you as broken, Ensign. Quite the opposite. People aren’t asking you how you’re doing because they think you’re crazy, or because they think you’re living on a knife edge, they’re asking because you opened up about how you’re feeling and they care about you. I guarantee that most people on your ship have just started noticing you more, started putting your well being at the top of their priority list. This isn’t pity, it’s comradery. Pushing through horrors and the bad stuff we deal with every day, well that’s why I am here. It’s the whole point of having a Counsellor onboard and for the lifeline program. You don’t have to spill your guts to those you work with, you can do that with me and I’ll always listen. Now, I won’t always have the answers, but I will never judge you, never look down on you and I will always hear what you have to say.

Chevalier: You know, there is part of me who wants to say you just… Listen - I’m done. I’m done, and I’m not… I can’t do this anymore. I’m just physically and mentally spent, so much… and I’m done. And… it’s a silent battle, this voice inside me who just lied down to die, too… uh… and it’s a.. it’s a battle we kind of hide from the world and the people we love, and the people we wanna love… or want to love us, because… who wants a broken person? You know, if… if the people in our lives knew how broken we were, like… would they stay?

Jaseb took a moment to pause and glanced off-camera for a brief instant.

Chevalier: And that raises the question of like… how do I fix this? Can you fix this? Because I don’t know…

Max nodded softly, knowing that the young Ensign he as talking to was going through a tough time that any officer could, but this was what he trained for and what he was here to help with.

Whitlock: I’ll let you into something personal, Ensign. I’m a Trill and I spent my entire upbringing trying to be the best, to prove myself worthy of a Symbiont. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. My brother got chosen over me and it’s been painful, but I’ve persevered because I’m Starfleet. We fight to better other worlds, but if we can’t start with ourselves then what’s the point, right? I don’t know you Chevalier and I don’t know if you have a partner, a family, but what I do know is you have a crew, you have a fleet, you have a whole federation fighting together to support you and your goals. When you lie down at night, I don’t want you to think of the end, or the bad times. I want you to dream of the possibilities. You know who wants a “broken person”? I do. It’s my job. I want you to talk to me regularly, I want to get to know you, your quirks, your interests, your fears. Because Ensign, the Academy took a shot when they graduated you, they saw something important and I see it too. If you were truly lost, you’d not have reached out to me, you came to me because you want this, so let’s work together, okay?

There was silence. Jaseb gazed at Max, clearly deep in thought. He contemplated for a moment, then hesitantly extended his hand, only to quickly retract it.

Chevalier: If you think it will help… yeah, why not? Things cannot get worse, so I’m open to trying it if you commit. And the thing stays confidential, off my Personal Record… right?

Whitlock: Everything stays between us, Ensign. The only time that ever changes is if I feel you’re at risk of harm. But I think you’re gonna be fine, now you’ve reached out to someone. Just remember, I’m always here if you need to talk.

With that, Max said his goodbyes and ended the call, brushing his hand through his hair as he sighed, looking at his PADD and his to do list. He was so glad he’d signed up for lifeline, this was what he wanted to do, wanted to be! He hoped the young Ensign would be back in touch soon.

[END SCENE]

--
Ensign Jaseb Chevalier
Operations Officer
U.S.S. Artemis-A
A240009JC1
&
Ensign Maximilian Whitlock
Counsellor
USS Gorkon
G240101MW3