Lt Jovenan – Don't go
Jovenan
((Elysium, Deck 6, USS Artemis))
Jovenan: I…
She looked straight to Vitor’s eyes. Her voice refused to come out, as if the words had caught in her throat. Her lips had remained ajar, mid-word, and she couldn’t think of what to say or do but to look him into his eyes. She could feel his hands holding hers. They were warm, radiating heat thorough her body through her veins, pumping with every beat of her racing heart. His hands, soft yet coarse, were pleasant against hers, yet so unexpected she didn’t know if they were welcome.
He had opened up to her, she had opened up to him. She had agreed to these rules, and by them, she had allowed herself to be vulnerable and him to do the same. She had enjoyed learning more about Vitor, the true him, of his family, his son, and the emotions which his heart harboured. And then, then he had told more.
“I just want to make you happy, protect you and help you in any way I can.”
She did want that. She wanted to leap into his arms, rest against his chest, be protected, happy with him, trust him with her life if so needed be. Take that promise that was so much more than the words it was moulded of, and vow to do the best to do the same in return. Never before she had felt it so strongly, but she couldn’t put a word to it, or if she could, admit it.
But.
He wasn’t doing it for her. She knew it very well, he looked at her but didn’t see her. By his admission, as she interpreted it, he saw someone else in her place.
Jovenan: Vitor. I’m not her.
She was almost startled by how stern her voice had been. She hadn’t believed something so harsh could come past her lips, of her own utterance. As much as she hated saying it, it was true, and she couldn’t take it back. She didn’t take her eyes away from Vitor, no matter how she wanted and not.
Silveira: I…
Jovenan: You… You’re very dear to me, I couldn’t imagine surviving here without you. You showed me an example what it meant to be here, and now, you’re a friend, someone who I can trust and talk to, who I can rely on whenever I need. And I want to be that person for you, too. But I’m not her, I’m not… I’m not your Jo. You are, were attracted to her, you fell in… you fell in for her, but I can’t be her for you.
She pulled her hands away. Immediately, she regretted everything. Her hands were feeling cold without his hands on them. She wanted to put them back there, feel the warmth return to the cold, harsh timeline which she had created by saying those words.
Vitor pulled his hands away from the table and straightened his back. His visage had turned different, much like the universe had after her words. It almost frightened her.
Silveira: What I meant is that I can tell you both apart. Forgive me, that in my moment of weakness, I might have projected her. I hope you understand I was vulnerable, and I am sorry to open up. I believed we were close enough for that.
Each word that left his lips were spoken with severity that pained her heart; it was the same tone she had spoken to him. Her fears were returning, but instead of shadows, she felt each of his words turn into arrows and pierce her heart. It hurt, and she realised, it hurt the same way she had hurt him, and she couldn’t take it back. Not knowing what was true any more, how could she have been so wrong, or not, she wished she would awaken from this dream, but he continued.
Silveira: But rest assured I am well aware that she is dead. That I will never see her again and that whatever we had ended. Nobody can replace Jo.
A part of her wished he had yelled at her, raged and shouted accusations, so it would be easier for her to dismiss what he had said. But his voice remained strict and collected, and his face unwavering and hard as stone in her eyes that fought to remain to meet his. He remained angry but still composed, and she could tell he meant every word, which hurt her more than anything the Borg or CloQ had done to her.
She had done this to him, and she deserved it. She had been wrong; it hadn’t been about anything she had thought it was.
Jovenan: ::almost cryingly:: Sorry. I didn’t mean to be mean. I thought…
It was a poor defence, and maybe she shouldn’t have defended at all. Her voice cracked fighting the tears, but she couldn’t allow herself to be so weak as to cry. She fought it, but what she really wanted was to rest her head against his shoulder and cry, feel his hand against her back and hear him speak softly to her ear. But she couldn’t do that; he wasn’t there for her any more, not since she had said “no”.
Silveira: No… This was my fault. I should have known better…. We just went through the most traumatic experience and I… Forgive me…
She looked up again at Vitor. Even if there was no smile on his lips, his face was not so stern and unforgiving any more. She wanted to take things back now, turn it all to normal, and as a tear fell down her cheek, she tried to say it.
Jovenan: Vitor, I didn’t…
Vitor stood up quick.
Silveira: Nan please… I didn’t mean to disturb you… I… I think you're better off without me around. Sorry…
He turned his back to her and stormed off. Jovenan raised her hand, as if to catch him, but the doors closed after him before she could shout after him, tell him that she needed him and ask him to return. But he was gone, and she didn’t know if he would ever come back for her.
She leaned her forehead against her palms. The other people in the lounge saw her, she was sure of that, but she didn’t care. After a while, she wiped the few tears off her reddened face and puffy eyes, and, as weak and pathetic she looked, she stood up and left.
Walking down the corridor to her quarters, she could see the creatures lurk in the shadows again. She could once more hear them crawl and speak in unison with their dead, pale lips, come after her, eliminate. But this time, he wasn’t there to rescue her; she couldn’t fight them, so she allowed her fears to come, engulf her, hurt her. Their stabs were minor to how he had hurt her, and insignificant compared to what she had done. She deserved to be hurt more.
When she reached her quarters, she fell down on her bed without bothering to change off from her uniform, face down to the pillow. The pillow soaked up her tears and muffled her cries as she struggled to understand the reality and afraid to face it again without him.
oO You’re an idiot, Jovenan. Oo
End scene
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Lieutenant Jovenan
Chief Science Officer
USS Artemis-A
E239911J11