LtCmdr Jovenan – Anger is a burden
Jovenan
((Arboretum, Deck 3, USS Artemis))
Jovenan: I’m sorry to bother you, but I didn’t know who else to talk to.
The leaves of the nearby oak tree rustled in a light breeze, as artificial as the holographic sky and the repeating, self-feeding river rippling further away. Someone walked on the path, the sound of loose gravel grew quieter at every step. Two crewmembers, out of their uniforms – friends or a couple, Jovenan didn’t know – had set up a picnic behind a rhododendron, and their laughter carried over to her. She didn’t laugh with them. Bending down to the ground on her knees, she sat on her legs, and the short grass tickled her bare shins. The stone didn’t respond.
Jovenan: Just to be clear, I still don’t believe in spirits of the dead. So I’m just talking to myself. Then again, in a way, I’d be talking to myself anyway.
The words “Jovenan” and “Saudade” were as clear as they were on the day they were engraved in the black stone. A golden piece of jewellery, in the shape of a heart, still dangled from the branch of a stone tree trunk, all of it imitation of real, living things. Jovenan’s words, unheard by anyone but the ever-vigilant computer and any possible ghosts, were uttered in Rubicun Edo, in an obscure dialect of it, spoken only by those from a land where eskers drew long lines midst waters and the ris deer grazed in starlight without a fear.
Even if she had believed in the spiritual stories of her ancestors, it had been close to two years since her sister-across-the-universes had died; by now, the spirit of Mediator Jovenan was at the verge of vanishing and being reintegrated into the (pseudo-)natural world around her memorial. She didn’t expect anyone to hear or respond.
Jovenan: I commanded the ship in a battle recently. Since we met, I’ve gained two steps in ranks. If you’re like our parents in this universe, that doesn’t mean anything to you… But in your universe, we had a fleet, so maybe you do understand.
Speaking was difficult. It felt wrong to say anything, push air through and make a sound, when no one was listening. She had to resist the urge to fall silent and have the conversation solely in her head, where her words bothered no one and yet where someone could have responded to her, have a debate where she played both sides, won and lost every time. The couple behind the rhododendron were clinging glasses; the living had more fun. Jovenan sighed and lowered her gaze to the artificial ground.
Jovenan: I destroyed the community leader’s necklace. It happened last year, but also at a time when we were just children – it’s a long story. I could have replicated a new one at any point, I kept the code, but…
She shrugged and looked up to the stone again. The name is written in letters from one of the human alphabets, but in her mind, she read it with the three syllabograms that make up her name. The other word was too foreign for her to figure out in her native writing.
Jovenan: I could have even got a real one delivered from God’s Claims if I wanted to. But I haven’t felt like deserving that.
Falling silent before saying it, she had to admit that she could have also travelled to Rubicun herself to fetch herself a new necklace. It had been about seven years since her last visit there – she didn’t bother counting the exact time – and equally long since seeing her family. At first, she had tried to visit, but the homeworld was too far for a trip during a shoreleave. After the leave on Cait, she had stopped following the timetables of slipstream starliners – they never aligned with hers, and then, the Artemis had become her home and the crew her family. A family that had grown stronger… and then gone away.
Jovenan: I started a relationship with Vitor.
A smile crept onto her face, for the first time that day. The couple on the picnic were quiet – Jovenan chose to believe they were watching the artificial clouds drift by, holding one another in a gentle embrace. She didn’t feel like she should defend her love to the man for whom the other Jovenan had also fallen; relationships were much easier among the Edo. If anything, she believed her sister-across-the-universes was happy of their relationship.
Jovenan: It took us a while. ::chuckle:: He’s so gentle and caring. I never thought I could love anyone like I love him.
Her gaze fell to the grass. The corner of her smile caught a teardrop falling along her cheek, bringing the taste of salt to her mouth. She wiped another tear off her face before it would fall to her uniform, then rubbing her eyes, puffy and red from crying.
Jovenan: I have another friend too… Well, had.
((Flashback – One hour earlier))
((Jovenan’s quarters, Deck 3, USS Artemis))
Jovenan barged in, without removing her shoes at the door like she usually did. The rules she had built for herself in her mind didn’t matter any more; no one cared of the order and structure she had formulated to the chaotic universe. She walked to her desk, grasped the pile of books and threw them to the ground, letting out a high-pitched shriek.
Jovenan: Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
The books fell down, some of them closed, others opened towards the ceiling or the door. A few pages got bent or folded. Jovenan’s attention turned to the wooden circle, with the Edo symbol carved in it. She took it with both her hands, on each side, twisted her upper body and threw it through the air. She stumbled due to the shifting forces, almost losing her balance. There was a loud thump as the discus hit the opposite wall and then fell to the floor. It might have cracked.
Backing against the wall, Jovenan brought her hands to the top of her head. Her fingernails dug into the skin of her scalp, leaving small dents. As her knees gave in, she slid against the wall and to the floor, sitting down.
Jovenan: Aaaaaaaa—
She tried to shout again, but the wail died and became muffled. It was drowned by the tears that pushed through and clogged up her throat. She covered her eyes with her hands, and then, flailed around her legs and feet, trying to hit something and kick it until it broke.
How could she have done this to her?
There had been an admission of guilt, evidence. The possibility of a mistake or an error had not crossed her mind, there were no questions about the course of events, not of identity, not of cause. The same few thoughts had repeated in Jovenan’s mind ever since she had heard of it.
Falsifying official documents.
Execution without a trial – no, they couldn’t, not here!
Falsely using the identity of a medical doctor. Hiding potentially dangerous medical information from a superior officer.
Execution without a trial – no, not the poor…
Betraying her trust.
Execution… no, not her fr…
Jovenan uncovered her eyes. Her gaze caught the sight of two dolls on the desk. The large, cute eyes, the happiness in their smiles and the united hands made the rage re-emerge within her, and the same time, the tears left a moist trail as they followed one another in succession. In the soft faces of the puppets, she saw the reflection of how happy she had been just days ago. She bent her legs and supported her elbows against her knees as she leaned her forehead against her palms
She had been Jovenan’s friend, and Vitor’s too. Would he be as angry as Jovenan was, or would he forgive, look at Jovenan weird if she told how her thoughts kept wandering to issuing and enforcing a capital punishment on their friend? Jovenan didn’t know who she could talk to now; who would understand her pain, her anger, her suffering?
((Flashback end))
Jovenan: Her name is Gila Sadar.
The couple by the large, flowering plant had resumed their conversation. Jovenan wanted to stand up and order them to be quiet or leave, but she didn’t find the strength to do so. It was a public place, she couldn’t rule that she was the only one permitted there when she felt so. The stone understood her wish for silence and never responded to her.
Jovenan: Maybe you met her. She was a medical doctor here. A Lieutenant when I last saw her, but I think she may have been just an Ensign when you were here.
It had been so long. Jovenan could now barely see herself as the same person as who she had been back then. She had been very shy and timid; she had even apologised to Ms Sadar for being such a poor leader when the two had rushed to rescue Genkos. They had often been to the same team in the early parts of Ms Sadar’s career. Venting the pirates’ anaesthetic gas from the ship; discovering the treacherous attack of their counterparts and retaking the ship; making through the ahistorical veterinary office, firing the artillery gun on Romulus and facing CloQ in the frozen past; storming the Borg Cube. But those weren’t the things about Ms Sadar that came to Jovenan’s mind first when she thought of her.
Jovenan: She was my friend. Vitor and I liked to cook with her. When we told her of our relationship, she performed a, um, coupling ceremony of some sort from her culture. It’s usually done by the family and the close friends of the couple. I suppose she saw us like that as well.
She fell silent for a moment longer. The smile grew more and more bitter as the salty tears made it past her quivering lips.
Jovenan: She’s also a criminal.
Jovenan didn’t need to clarify what the crime was; the Edo, as she remembered from her childhood and youth, only recognised one punishment for all crimes, and her sister-across-the-universes came from an even crueller world. An enforcer of the divine Justice, the dead Mediator knew this better than the Lieutenant Commander would ever have. Jovenan nodded without raising her gaze, as if to convince the non-existent ghost that she had heard her words correctly.
Jovenan: She has been dishonourably discharged, stripped of her rank and commission and removed from the ship and crew. I heard about it a few hours ago. And ever since, that word has kept repeating in my mind.
She looked up at the stone, speaking dispassionately, clenching and unclenching her fist between each repetition.
Jovenan: Execute. Execute. Execute.
oO How Edo of me. Oo She couldn’t bring herself to speak those words out loud. In her mind, she saw her sister-across-the-universes smirking at her. oO So you are one of us after all. Oo No, not at all. She shook her head.
Jovenan: I hate her for what she did. When I close my eyes, I see violent images of her. I see myself over her, injecting her with one of your syringes and watch… watch the life in her eyes faint away. But… but that is not what I want to see! I hate her, but I don’t want her dead!
The voices from the picnic had suddenly gone away. Jovenan moved on the grass, sitting down on it directly and bending her knees close to her chest, hugging them. The memories were coming back to her, not of the events but of the feelings. The overwhelming, mind-numbing rage that had taken her when she had given control of the ship phasers and told to use them against the Suliban pirates; the irrational, reckless fury that had made her deaf to her orders when the Borg drones were chasing them on the Cube. She hadn’t tried to stop herself, but she had given in to the instinct, perhaps primal, perhaps learnt. In the fetal position, she allowed her tears to fall all over her uniform for a few minutes before raising her head and looking again at the engraved letters on the stone.
Jovenan: You wouldn’t have thought twice, would’ve you? Of course not, it was your job to kill all the criminals. Well, it’s not mine, and I don’t want it to be. But I haven’t been able to stop my thoughts. I’m forced to live in this… this complicated, multicoloured world with my black-and-white ideas of justice – your ideas!
She stood up. The intricate golden heart swayed gently in the artificial wind as she looked down at the stone. The dark, carved and polished memorial seemed much smaller to her now.
Jovenan: The last time we talked, you taunted me for abandoning our ways. Do you think I’ve loved it? Do you think I want to live in this fake environment where there’s no room to run free? Where people step away when you want closeness or come too close when you don’t. Where people get stiff and hesitant when you enter the room because of how many pieces of jewellery you have in your collar, or expect you to do the same because they have more of them. Where no one understands.
The other people in the vicinity had turned towards her, even the couple were poking their heads over the rhododendron. But Jovenan wasn’t looking at them; she was alone there with the stone and the ghost that stood firm and sneered at her pathetic, sobbing and angry form.
Jovenan: You thought I was a bad Edo. Well, you were right, I am. I’m in a golden cage, but I would choose this cage over the one you called home every single time. I’m not stuck here with these people and their ideals, I’m stuck here with yours! I would be so free without you!
Jovenan had put her one leg forwards and raised her fist. She was ready to charge the uncaring stone if she needed to. The ghost – if imaginary – had fallen back, her defiance broken and smug sneer turned to a whimper. She was cowering, although there was a trace of doubt in her face.
Jovenan: And in this cage, the thoughts of an execution make me a monster. I’m afraid to talk about this to anyone, even Vitor, because I don’t want him to see me like one. At least I can think that if he comes to hate me for it, I know he would have hated you, too. If I can’t have him, neither could have you!
She turned away and rushed from the oak that cast its shadows over the stone. A trail of tears followed her on the path to the exit. The other people had stood up and looked behind her, confused of what had happened and if they should do something or report the events to someone. The ghost had also arisen. Her imaginary lips turned to a smile. Were they really that different?
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Lieutenant Commander Jovenan
Chief Science Officer
USS Artemis-A
E239911J11