[Backsim] Ensign Saavei - Will Keep Working On It
Tara W
((Counselling Care Centre, Medical Centre, Amity Outpost))
Saavei: At the time I felt surprised. Then I was afraid. The hull breach appeared much larger in my mind than it was in reality. I believed that was where my journey would end, my katra drifting unclaimed through those corridors in perpetuity. ::Her eyebrow raised:: Please understand I immediately controlled these emotions to continue my duty.
Shortrith: I understand, those emotions typically arise in stressful situations.
Saavei: I was reflecting on it later, on the bridge, during the battle outside the Outpost. I believe it is possible Commander Ukinix may have sensed a lack of discipline in my thoughts during that time, between my recent experiences and concern for First Secretary Aitas, who was injured. The Commander was polite enough to not point it out, if so. Vulcans are supposed to be sources of strength in a crisis, not weaknesses.
Renaie's eyes shot up then knotted themselves together a second later.
Shortrith: Saavei, no matter what species you are, you don't have to be a source of strength. Everyone has a breaking point.
Saavei: This is true. But it is a point of... perhaps illogical... pride that Vulcans be the former. To provide clear insights during often emotionally intense moments for other species.
Shortrith: I understand that. But people can't bottle up their emotions, it's not healthy.
Saavei: It is not bottling them up, Doctor, it is processing them.
Shortrith: What do you mean?
Saavei: Save for those of us who proceed far enough to attain Kolinahr, as you know doctor, Vulcans experience emotions. Strong, violent ones even. When we experience one, our mental conditioning is to analyze it, recognize the source, then discard it so we can act logically instead. It is less about denying emotions but recognizing them and not allowing them to control us. It is not containing them so much as something blowing in on the wind; we observe, we analyze, we watch it leave. But during the last mission, I found difficulties after with the latter part.
Renaie nodded with a smile.
Shortrith: I see.
Saavei: I will meditate more on the matter. Perhaps I have just been tired.
Shortrith: Even though my time on Amity is winding up, please reach out to people if you need connection, okay?
Joining Starfleet was not met with approval by Saavei's closest relationships, save for her youngest brother. They worried constant contact with emotional beings would compromise her. That they would erode her mind with their never-ending emotional projections. She ignored their concerns as illogical, given the presence of other Vulcans in Starfleet. They reminded her most Vulcans in Starfleet served on all-Vulcan ships. But she found it logical to experience more diversity than that. It was perhaps a foolish worry. But the mind is sometimes a foolish thing. Saavei's concern was, if she already had difficulty controlling her emotions in the wake of a conflict, something which is part of her duties in Starfleet, that she was proving her parents correct. That perhaps she was being corrupted. That she should care that she was if so, but since she found the presence of the people she'd have met here to be enriching in her life, she did not care. That she was making herself illogical. That she might become like her grandfather. Vulcan brains were odd creations; few species could lobotomize themselves. But she lacked the words to even begin to verbally express this at present without losing the core of who she was. So what Saavei said was;
Saavei: Thank you for your time, doctor. I will do so.
Shortrith: That's all I ask.
Saavei: May your journey be a safe one. ::She held up her hand in the traditional farewell:: Live long and prosper, Renaie.
[End for Saavei]