Lt. Robin Hopper: Self Defense of the Heart
Robin Hopper
((Cherry Blossoms Biome, Peace Park, Amity Outpost))
MacKenzie nodded, which Robin took as a sign that the Commander at least understood where she was coming from – though she couldn’t help but notice the stark difference between her own experiences, driven by a desire to excel and reach for new opportunities, and how MacKenzie had described finding herself presented with opportunities.
Hopper: ::Nodding:: You could say that. ::Catching MacKenzie’s gaze:: I’ve always been excited at the prospect of… some day… sitting on the bridge of a Starship and trailblazing new parts of the galaxy. ::Pause:: I guess my time on the Jemison’s given me reason to think that future might not be so outlandish.
Now, she felt herself back-pedaling. She’d always been motivated and ambitious, but she’d never grasped for anything out of the realm of possibility… Had she?
MacKenzie: And how do you feel about that?
Hopper: Honestly? ::Beat:: Nervous.
MacKenzie: Nervous?
She scrunched her nose and furrowed her brow in an effort of self-analysis. What did she want? Why did she want it? What was she afraid of?
Hopper: It’s weird for me. Starfleet is my passion, I was so thrilled to sit in that chair, and if – as you suggested – this might be some sort of ‘call’ to further my career, then… ::Shaking her head:: Then I don’t know why I think about that ‘little flame’ and feel worried I’m going to get burnt.
MacKenzie: Get burnt…?
Hopper: I don’t really have anything to lose. I’ve prioritized my career, my independence… oO burned a few bridges, maybe. Oo
A few faces crossed her mind. Her sister, Keri – maybe their relationship wouldn’t have been so strained, had she stayed closer to home instead of leaving for Earth… Egen Retel, the man she’d left behind on the Wall Street… Nathan Richards, the one she’d nearly found on Amity… But it didn’t make sense to feel guilty for knowing what she wanted from life and protecting herself – protecting them – from the pain of lost love… did it?
Hopper: Did you ever feel this kind of doubt?
MacKenzie’s expression shifted in a way that only deepened Robin’s worries.
MacKenzie: Doubt? Sure. But only in a fit of over-analysis after the fact.
All the same, she decided to continue her line of questioning in the hopes of finding something she could use as a ‘compass.’
Hopper: What did you do?
MacKenzie paused, gazed into her cup, and took a swig.
MacKenzie: Well, simply put, you learn to cut it out. If you obsess over every decision you make, it won’t be long before you’re completely crippled by self-doubt.
Hopper: ::Nodding, slowly:: I guess I’m still trying to find the happy medium between grasping at every opportunity and the ‘crippling self-doubt’ thing…
MacKenzie turned her hands so her palms were facing toward the sky.
MacKenzie: You learn pretty quickly to get over any kind of decision-making paralysis. I’m a surgeon so you can’t obsess over making a decision otherwise people die. ::shrugging:: sometimes people still end up dying, and sometimes it’s out of your control.
Robin let out a sigh. Glancing around, she found herself surrounded by the guiding idols of dozens of civilizations, all of which made her feel nothing except ‘lacking’. She understood the allure of having a path laid out before you, even if it wasn’t what she would choose for herself.
Hopper: So… What you’re saying is I need to get more comfortable with the outcome being ‘out of my control’?
Robin gulped. The thought of ‘letting go’ of her own future felt like letting go of the controls of a shuttle hurtling through space at Warp 10 – but MacKenzie offered her a reassuring smile that eased her nerves, even if only slightly.
MacKenzie: Well, it’s a fine line between being critical of your judgment and learning from your mistakes and over-obsessing about what might have been had you made a different call. (beat) I hope some of this is making sense…
Robin nodded, then tucked her hands behind her back and started on down the path once more.
Hopper: Making sense? Yes. Easy to accept? ::A small self-deprecating smile:: I’ll work on that… Either way, I didn’t come to you seeking advice because I figured I had all the answers.
MacKenzie: Response
Hopper: Expecting any other opportunities to drop into your lap soon? ::Holding up a hand, chuckling:: I promise I’m not fishing for a transfer for anything.
The thought of leaving Amity actually gave her pause, even though it had only been an offhand comment… A joke, really. Maybe she was getting attached, after all.
MacKenzie: Response
Hopper: Well, when the time comes, from what I saw over the last few days, I think you’ll make a fine Captain… For whatever my opinion is worth.
MacKenzie: Response
They reached the end of the path, the point at which MacKenzie could now travel to catch the train that would begin her long journey back to the Alpha Quadrant.
Hopper: ::Looking around:: I think I’ll stay a little longer. Maybe I can find a little ‘zen’ amongst the trees… which would probably do me good. Thank you, again, for your advice. I appreciate that you were honest with me. You’ve certainly given me some things to think about.
MacKenzie: Response
END Scene
