Boundaries - Save Your Marriage or Relationship

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Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce
Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is
designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of
your relationship. It is my suggestion that any new betrayed partner
implement these behaviors immediately. They aren't designed to make
you look good or your partner bad. They are, however, a means of
protection for the betrayed. They also empower the betrayed to face
their new world with dignity and bravery. They appear stronger to the
wayward partner and at this point in time, that is exactly what you
want to portray.
This list was originally titled, "The 180" and it won't take you long
to figure out why. What you are actually doing is a complete 180
degree rotation in your actions and attitude. You no longer are a
weeping sack of sorrow. Suddenly, you appear strong, happy,
independent, and quite capable of making it on your own.
The 180
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent
phone calls. 3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. 4. Don't
follow her/him around the house. 5. Don't encourage or initiate
discussion about the future. 6. Don't ask for help from the family
members of your wayward partner. 7. Don't ask for reassurances. 8.
Don't buy or give gifts. 9. Don't schedule dates together. 10. Don't
keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you really think about it, he/
she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable. 11. Do more than
act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your
life! 12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. 13. Don't sit
around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with
friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! 14. When
home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be
scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue, no matter how much you
want to! 15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. 16. Your partner
needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the
wayward partner)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the
future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are
moving on with your life...with out them! 17. Don't be nasty, angry or
even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so
available...for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/
she will notice that you're missing. 18. No matter what you are
feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make
yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy,
pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the
knowledge that they have value. 19. All questions about the marriage
should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which
may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! 20. Do
not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name
calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of
the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! 21. Don't be overly
enthusiastic. 22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it
only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your
spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying!
Listen and then listen some more! 24. Learn to back off, keep your
mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what
the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not
saying anything. 25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh &
focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. 26.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. 27. Know that if you
can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far
more than any words you can say or write. 28. Do not be openly
desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are
feeling totally desperate and needy. 29. Do not focus on yourself when
communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the
point, at present they just don't care! 30. Do not believe any of what
you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will
speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones
imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try
to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they
will say anything they can to justify their behavior. 31. Do not give
up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till
it's over!" 32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain
consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers
the message. 33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions
of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral
outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain
that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the
kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and
mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to
move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their
positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can
always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair
partner.