Do Marriage Counselors Do More Harm Than Good?

[jbklux...@yahoo.com]

Before you begin screening marriage counselors to help you save your
marriage, you MUST consider the potential drawbacks of marriage
counseling so you can get all your facts straight FIRST. This article
will help you avoid making a costly mistake that could not only set
you back financially...but cost you your marriage as well.
In July of 1999, at a conference for professional marriage counselors,
a credible marriage counselor by the name of Dr. William J. Doherty,
gave a shocking report on the state of marriage counseling to his
fellow professionals.
According to Doherty, most marriage counseling is HAZARDOUS, not
helpful to your marriage.
Therapy-based, American style marriage counseling (practiced by most
marriage counselors) can actually do more HARM than good in your
marriage.
All hope is NOT lost however, for the rising number of struggling
couples. There ARE more effective alternatives to marriage counseling
- they are so effective in fact that even professional marriage
counselors are admitting that couples need MARRIAGE EDUCATION more
than they do marriage therapy.
In June of 1999, USA Today reported that, "Even fans of marriage
counseling are saying disturbing things. Research shows that it
doesn't work as well as we once thought and it might not last." That
report reinforce the research that shows a great majority of marriage
counselors conducting therapy have had no formal training at all.
This research further documented that two years after couples went
through marriage counseling, 25% of the couples were WORSE OFF than
before they started the therapy.
Up to 38% of them actually divorced.
Perhaps what's even more shocking is the fact that therapists who
actually work with COUPLES, are in the minority.
80% of all private practice marriage counselors in the U.S. say they
conduct marriage therapy, yet only 12% are in a profession that
requires them to take EVEN ONE course on dealing with couples.
If you ask marriage counselors about their approach, the vast majority
will tell you that they find working with individuals much more
"productive" than working with couples.
Dr. William J. Doherty stated, "Couples therapy is the most difficult
therapy of all because every session starts with the threat of
divorce".
After training marriage counselors for a living, in his 1999 address
at the conference for professional marriage counselors, Dr. Doherty
called the methods of marriage counselors, "Hazardous to your marital
health."
He established four ways that marriage counselors have produced
DESTRUCTIVE outcomes in marriages.
According to Doherty, there are four ways marriage counselors can do
more harm than good in your marriage...
1. By being incompetent
2. By being neutral
3. By pathologizing (telling you why your marriage is "sick")
4. By being overtly undermining (attempting to break up the marriage)
INCOMPETENT: In the case of incompetent marriage counselors, the
counselor has not been trained to work with couples together. They
believe working with two people is an expanded version of working with
one, but it is not. An individual is easy to listen to, but a battling
couple is not. Working with couples requires skill, structure and a
very different approach than one-on-one therapy.
NEUTRAL: These marriage counselors, Doherty claims, are not neutral
about marriage at all. When a counselor appears to be neutral, but
actually takes sides with the more self-oriented spouse, they are
undermining the marriage. "When a counselor uses the language of
individual self interests, it undercuts the moral commitment that is
owed to the marriage." Doherty stated.
PATHOLOGIZING: Pathologizing is when marriage counselors build a case
insisting that the couple has a "sick" relationship. They actually
ENCOURAGE couples to get a divorce by saying things like, "Why SHOULD
YOU hang in there? Why be a victim?" These marriage counselors make
couples believe that they're being abused, which causes both spouses
to draw their only conclusion: "If the professional thinks this is
over, then I should too."
UNDERMINING: While telling couples what they should do is against the
code of ethics of the American Association for Marriage and Family
Therapy, many therapists still do it. These therapists say phrases
like, "You should probably end this marriage." or, "If you're going to
stay sane, you should move out." Undermining therapists urge husbands
and wives to sever their relationships with family members and
spouses.
If you're looking for a good marriage counselor, Dr. Doherty urges you
to ask questions first. Learn about the therapists' values by asking
questions like these:
1. Are you self taught, workshop-trained or college educated in
working with couples?
Bad Answer: College educated.
Good Answer: Self taught or workshop trained and they speak
convincingly about how their program saves marriages.
2. What is your attitude about saving a troubled marriage vs. helping
a couple break up?
Bad Answer: "It's not my decision. Couples have to make their own
decision." (This is an evasive answer...not a good sign.)
Good Answer: "I help couples find ways to stay together and help them
understand and overcome their problems."
3. Where do you stand when one spouse wants to stay and the other
wants a divorce?
Bad Answer: "I try to get people to understand their own
feelings." (This is a focus on the individual, NOT the couple.)
Good Answer: "This is normally what I see with couples. I have ways to
help them both handle this in positive ways."
4. What percentage of your practice involves both husband and wife?
Bad Answer: "I find working with husbands and wives individually to be
more practical."
Good Answer: "All of it. When both people are with me and following my
process, I find they have the greatest success rate."
5. Of all the couples you treat, what percentage stay married and have
a better marriage in the end?
Bad Answer: "100%" or "I don't keep that type of information."
Good Answer: About 70 to 80% stay happily married, while the rest drop
out of my process and are unwilling to finish.
The difference in the answers you receive from marriage counselors is
the feeling you get when you talk with them. Bad answers feel evasive
or vague while good answers are confident and positive.
Now that you know the right questions to ask, you can confidently
screen marriage counselors, separating the GOOD from the bad. But if
you're hesitant about bringing a marriage counselor into your
marriage, as Dr. Doherty suggested, marriage education might be the
answer you're looking for.