Save My Marriage - You Married Your Spouse for a Reason

[hoyrko...@yahoo.com]

As you read this some of you are on the verge of giving up. You can't
imagine staying in the marriage. You've tried everything you know of
and still you are unhappy every day.
Your spouse is just not the person you had hoped they would be-or not
the person you need at this point in your lives. You look around and
see other people who seem to have fulfilling marriages and you feel
cheated.
You feel like it must be over.
I have some good news: Your marriage may not be as dismal as you
think!
Before you give up on your spouse, it's a good idea to start with why
you married them in the first place.
Most of us pick a mate based on all sorts of criteria. The main
criteria are often sexual attraction and emotional attraction. We have
fun together-in and out of bed-and that's how we pick a mate.
In addition we usually come up with all sorts of practical reasons to
give out conscious mind the rational excuses to get our swerve on, but
those are typically secondary to our subconscious reasons. Attraction
plus logical reasons equals marriage.
But once we get married there is more on our plate than just sexual
attraction. Sometimes, under the intense light of real life, we forget
the positive reasons we married and start focusing on all of our
spouse's shortcomings.
Often, during these periods of forgetful mental criticism, we end up
looking for the person our spouse is NOT and end up disappointed. She
was carefree when we dated, now she seems irresponsible. He was a
"lone wolf" who drove you wild, now he just seems to ignore you.
Before you throw in the towel think for a minute about who you
married, why you married them and what that likely means for your
future together. Chances are it will give you a much better (and more
positive) picture of your future.
When we are picking a mate we tend to look at them without a critical
eye. We love how their playfulness offsets our rigidity. We wanted to
be more spontaneous. Sure (s)he lacked a little in the punctuality
department, but who cares-(s)he made you laugh.
Keep in mind: Most of us marry someone who has a similar set of values
to ours, but who complements ourselves rather than replicates
ourselves. "Accelerator" personalities tend to marry "brake"
personalities. Outgoing gregarious personalities tend to marry more
subdued personalities.
So when someone marries a playful person, they are likely not as
playful. They appreciate their spouse's playfulness, but they
themselves tend to be the follower in play. At first it seems great.
What we fail to realize is that playfulness is also likely to indicate
a person who, by nature, is not going to be hyper responsible when it
comes to things like showing up on time, finishing projects around the
house or paying the bills.
Sure (s)he can make you laugh, but right now you are more concerned
about your kids' under funded college accounts.
The key to finding happiness in your marriage again is this: Accept
your spouse exactly as they are. Love the things that attracted you in
the first place. Enjoy the things that attracted you in the first
place.
Be willing to pick up the slack in the areas where your spouse in
naturally challenged and free yourself from resentment.
Who knows, you must just enjoy being married again.