Couples Therapy and John Gottman's Approach - Can They Help Create a Healthy M

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Have you heard about John Gottman? Perhaps you read about him in
Malcolm Gladwell's Blink! book.
John Gottman is a famous psychologist at the University of Washington.
He developed a model that can predict if couples can live together
happily, or will remain dissatisfied in their relationship and break
apart.
Amazingly, his system predicts whether couples will break up with
striking accuracy.
His research forms the successful basis for a method of counseling for
couples, straight or gay, married or unmarried. We will explore a few
of his discoveries in this article.
The four horsemen of apocalypse in a relationship
Couples in trouble usually have one or more of what Gottman calls 'the
four horsemen of apocalypse' in their relationship.
These are


criticism,
contempt,
stonewalling, and
defensiveness.

On the other hand, respect and affection are positive things which
strengthen relationships.
Gottman's system views the percentage of interactions between partners
that involve "the four horsemen" versus the percentage that involve
respect and affection. This is what gives it predictive power.
A therapist who follows Gottman's method will usually give his clients
a thorough questionnaire to fill up in order to assess where they need
help most.
He will also try to identify the strengths in their relationship and
the dreams and life wishes of the partners.
During counseling, the couple work together with the therapist to
increase the positive and decrease the negative in their lives. By
doing so, they vastly increase the chances of a successful
relationship, namely staying together and each being happy.
Strengthening relationships
Couples who come to a therapist for counseling are usually in serious
trouble. While there may be much that is positive in their
relationship, the negativity may seem to be overwhelming. But with
therapy, things can change, and their chances of staying together can
skyrocket.
A few examples will help.
One gay couple in Austin consulted a therapist when anger and jealousy
were threatening to break them apart.
While one of them valued independence in close relationships, the
other longed for connection. Both worked in high-pressure jobs, and
the tension from their work lives was spilling into their home.
With the help of the therapist, they learned to keep their private
life separate from their professions.
When the partner who wanted emotional independence chose to put the
relationship first, things began to turn around.
His partner started feeling more secure and became more fun to be
around. When therapy ended, they had a stronger relationship and
planned a commitment ceremony. According to Gottman's formula, chances
were much higher that things would work out for them as a couple.
Premarital counseling and Gottman's methods
Gottman's method also works for those who are considering whether or
not to marry.
It helps a couple thinking of getting married identify the strengths
and weaknesses in their relationship.
Couples can then work on what will probably be the biggest issues in
their marriage. The sorts of issues that can result in a marriage
breaking up.
One couple in San Diego belonged to two different religious
backgrounds, Christian and Jewish. They had a lot of differences due
to their differing backgrounds and what they each perceived as the
other partner's unwillingness to be flexible.
Therapy helped them learn how to communicate better about this basic
difference and also helped them build techniques that allowed
reasonable compromises. The therapy helped them increase the
percentage of positive interactions, and decrease the negative. With
their new tools, they were able to deal with religious issues and
differences, and grow stronger as a couple at the same time.
John Gottman and divorce and separation
Most people going to a therapist do so as a last resort to save their
marriage. They want to avoid divorce and separation. A trained
therapist can help them do this and also, if separation is
unavoidable, to do it amicably.
John Gottman's techniques help here also.
One couple in Cleveland, married for four years, entered therapy when
they reached a point where they were constantly arguing and
considering breaking up.
The therapist, using Gottman's method, helped them realize they still
liked each other and were close friends. Something that is easy to
overlook when times turn rough and rocky.
The couple then worked on how to become less defensive and express
feelings rather than criticisms, and develop a sense of humor about
issues that are unavoidable but difficult parts of life.
By the end of therapy, they felt they were once more happily married
and would stay that way.
A lot can be learned from John Gottman's methods. Someone seeking
therapy may want to consider a therapist who has received some
training at Gottman's institute. And for any counseling for a couple,
marriage counseling or for couples who are not married, the idea of
good interactions versus bad interactions can help a couple grow
stronger.