Marriage Trial Separations - 5 Tips for Saving Your Marriage

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When a marriage has reached its breaking point, sometimes a trial
separation seems like the best option. The grief, the anger, the hurt:
you may be asking yourself what relationship could possibly be worth
this? However, if you both do still harbor love for one another in
your hearts, it may be worth giving your love another chance.
Here are 5 tips for avoiding a trial separation or getting back
together if you are in the midst of one now:
Tip #1: Feelings, not recriminations:
When you are talking with your spouse, start every statement with,
"When you do X, I feel Y." This immediately removes the element of
blame from the situation and shifts it to what we humans are really
about: our feelings and emotions.
Tip #2: Problems, not personalities:
When you encounter with your spouse one of your hot button issues -
those that make your tempers immediately go through the roof and your
patience vanish - try to focus on the problems at hand rather than the
specific shortcomings or flaws of the other person. By looking at a
problem objectively as something to be examined and studied, you
become able to separate how you feel about the other person from the
things that are causing you both pain. Only then can you tackle your
problem head-on.
Tip #3: Leave the kids out of it:
If you have kids with your spouse, do everything in your power to keep
them out of your problems with your spouse. Kids often become the
victims when parents separate: an unfortunate casualty that can be
avoided. Make sure that you explain to your kids that they are not the
cause of your separation. And, never, ever give your kids messages to
relay to your spouse if you are already separated: your communication
with your spouse needs to happen directly between the two of you.
Tip #4: Take ownership of problems rather than placing blame:
A problem amongst a fighting couple is like the border between two
countries: it is always an integral part of both sides. That is, a
problem is never his or her fault. You own your problems together. If
your spouse has a serious problem like a drinking, gambling, or
cheating, it instantly becomes your problem as well. You both have to
find a healthy solution, together. Own your problems as a couple and
you can overcome anything.
Tip #5: Agree to take a break from your problems:
When couples are trying to avoid a separation by actively working
through their problems, they often find themselves falling into the
rut of always and only talking about those problems when they are
together. The trouble is, by always making our problems the center of
our attention, we are actually giving them even more power over our
relationships than they deserve. To avoid this vicious cycle, pick
certain times to consciously take a break from your problems when you
are with your spouse. Go miniature golfing, see a movie, or take a
walk, all the while promising that you will put your problems on the
back burner for a while and just have some fun.
A marriage trial separation can be heartbreaking for everyone
involved. Whether your separation seems to be leading toward divorce
or toward reconciliation, you owe it to yourself and your spouse to
give your relationship all you have. You just might be able to bring
the love back.