My journey to Buddhism
I
wasn't always a Buddhist. As far as I recall our immediate family was
not particularly religious, although on our father's side there were
practising Anglicans and relatives had been Anglican vicars. On our
mother's side I do not remember any especial interest in religion. I
heard once that our maternal grandmother had said she would be a
Buddhist if she were anything at all. I discovered fairly recently that
in fact our maternal grandfather's family was traditionally Catholic,
although he had abandoned the faith. I am not sure now why, but for some
reason when I was really quite young I joined the local Anglican church
choir. I loved singing church music. Unfortunately my voice broke
rather early and, since I was thought to be too young to be a bass, as
far as I recall I spent my entire time as Head Chorister miming. This
perhaps gave me an early taste of the bluff necessary for an academic
career.
At
the appropriate age early in the 1960s I was confirmed in the Anglican
Church by the Bishop of Dover. I became a server at Holy Communion. As
the 60s wore on I became involved in the lifestyle and all the normal
things that teenage boys get up to. As public examinations loomed
larger, I left the choir, ceased to be a server, and lost contact with
the Church. I grew long hair, and dressed strangely.
I
went to the University of Sussex to read Philosophy. By that time, in
common with many in the late 1960s, I had developed an interest in
meditation and things Indian. I channelled this interest particularly
into Indian philosophy. I subsequently took my doctorate in Buddhist
philosophy at the University of Oxford.
By
about 1973-ish I was already beginning to think of myself as a
Buddhist. I finally 'Took Refuge', formally becoming a Buddhist, in the
Dalai Lama's tradition of Tibetan Buddhism. When I found myself teaching
at the University of Bristol in the early 1980s I set up with others a
group in Bristol that also now has its own Buddhist Centre. I became
involved in occasional teaching within the context of practising
Buddhism at Buddhist Centres. As well as my academic work in Buddhist
philosophy I wrote and spoke as a Tibetan Buddhist on television, the
radio, and at conferences. I took part in public and private dialogue
with Christians, including Hans Küng and Raimundo Pannikkar.
I
was interested in philosophy, but also I was interested in meditation
and the exotic East. Many of us found Buddhism attractive originally
because among other things it seemed so much more rationalthan
the alternatives (but also much, much more exotic). In particular
Buddhism seemed much more sensible (and exotic) than a theistic religion
like Christianity. Buddhists do not believe in God. Well, (we thought)
there seemed no reason to believe in God, and the existence of evil
presented for us a positive argument against the existence of God. Those
of us who were brought up as Christians were fed up with defending the
existence of God in an unsympathetic world against its detractors. When
we stood back and tried to be as objective as possible God looked less
and less likely. In
Buddhism one has an immensely sophisticated (and exotic) system of
morality, spirituality and philosophy which does not require God at all.
At a stroke difficulties involved in accepting the existence of God
were bypassed. Instead, in becoming a Buddhist, (we thought) one could
be a meditator with Buddhists, the ones who really know about meditation.
Rebirth
However,
over many, many years as a Buddhist I became more and more uneasy about
my Buddhism. Absolutely central to my growing unease with Buddhist
affiliation were worries about rebirth and associated worries about the
doctrine of karma.
Buddhists believe in rebirth, that is, as it is broadly understood,
reincarnation. And, Buddhists claim, there is no chronological first
beginning to the series of past lives. We have all of us been reborn an
infinite number of times. No God is needed to start the series off – for
there simply was no first beginning. Things have been around
(somewhere) for all eternity.
Now,
belief in rebirth (and indeed karma – I'll come that) seems to be quite
common nowadays even among those who would not claim to be Buddhists or
Hindus. One even finds Christians who say they believe in rebirth. But
rebirth was well-known in ancient Greece and Rome, and it has never been
part of Christian orthodoxy. And there are good reasons for this.
Rebirth is incompatible with certain absolutely central Christian
doctrines, including the inestimable value of each and every individual
person, and the justice of God. If rebirth is true, realistically we
really have no hope. It is a hope-less doctrine. As a Buddhist, it
dawned on me that I had no hope. Let me explain.
Hands up who wants to be reborn as a cockroach?
I
want you to imagine that you are told you are to be painlessly executed
at dawn. You are terrified. You are not terrified because it will hurt,
since it will be painless. So why are you terrified? Perhaps your fear
lies in it being the end of all your projects for the future – the story
is over. Or maybe you do not want to leave forever your friends and
family. Or perhaps you fear just a great empty void, a nothingness. What
is it, exactly, that frightens you?
Now
I want you to imagine that your executioner gently puts his arm round
you and tells you not to worry. It really isn't so bad. Although you are
to be executed, it has been discovered without a shadow of a doubt that
the Buddhists and Hindus were right after all. You are to be instantly
reborn. In fact, you are to be reborn as a cockroach in South America.
Well
- I suggest that you would still be terrified. Indeed you might be even
more frightened. But why would you be so frightened? Being a cockroach
answers all, or most, of the fears that first sprang to mind when you
heard of your imminent execution. Cockroaches surely have projects for
the future, to get enough food, poison humans, or whatever it is
cockroaches happily spend their lives doing. It'll be fun, once you get
used to it. Of course, being a cockroach still means you must leave your
friends and family, but then in life we often leave our friends and
family. Our family and friends may be separated from us by exile, war,
quarrels or whatever. Or if they die, instead of you, it has the same
effect. So why in this respect should we be more terrified of our own death,
than of the deaths of our loved ones? Moreover as a cockroach you will
have lots and lots of new friends and family, many, many cockroach
friends and cockroach family to replace the ones you have lost. You'll
get used to it. It's not so bad, not half as bad as you thought. And
being a cockroach is not nothingness. It's not like a great empty void.
It is a life, too. You will still live.
So
why are we not consoled by all this? Why do we still not relish the
idea of execution at dawn, followed by all the fun of being a cockroach
in South America? Well, you might say, cockroaches are horrible, ugly,
verminous creatures. Who wants to be one? But is that fair? Perhaps
cockroaches are not horrible and ugly to themselves. After all, I expect
their mummies love them.
Can
you imagine being a cockroach? Can you imagine living that cockroachy
life? Surely you cannot. We are not asking can you imagine waking up
inside a cockroach's body (as Kafka tells us, in his storyMetamorphosis).
We are not asking you to imagine being you, somehow having to come to
terms with being crammed inside a cockroach's body. That would not be
much fun. You would have problems with all those legs, at least for a
while, and you would hate your cockroach mummy getting anywhere near you. She is so creepy!
But it wouldn't be like that, would it? You would love your cockroach
mummy, because (I expect) cockroaches do love their mummies. For you
would be a cockroach too. You cannot imagine what it would be like to be
a cockroach, because you would not be you inside a cockroach body. You would be a cockroach. And who knows what the imaginations, the dreams, of a cockroach might be.
Rebirth means the end of me
What
is my point here? My point is this: What is so terrifying about my
being executed at dawn and reborn as a cockroach is that it is simply,
quite straightforwardly, the end of me.
I cannot imagine being reborn as a cockroach because there is nothing
to imagine. I quite simply would not be there at all. If rebirth is
true, neither I nor any of my loved ones survive death. With rebirth,
for me – the actual person I am – the story really is over. There may be
another being living its life in some sort of causal connection with
the life that was me (influenced by my karma), but for me there is no
more. That is it – end of it. There is no more to be said about me.
None
of this in itself means the Buddhist position is wrong. But what it
does mean is that, if the Buddhist position is correct, our death in
this life is actually, really, the death of us.
Death will be the end for us. Traditionally, at least on the day to day
level, Buddhists and others who accept rebirth tend to obscure this
fact in their choice of language by referring to 'my rebirth', and 'concern for one'sfuture lives'. But actually any rebirth (say, as a cockroach in South America) would not be oneself, and there is a serious question therefore as to why one should care at all about 'one's' future rebirths.
I
began to see that if Buddhism were correct then unless I attained
enlightenment (nirvana) or something like it in this life, where the
whole cycle of rebirth would finally come to a complete end, I would
have no hope. Clearly, I was not going to attain enlightenment in this
life. All Buddhists would be inclined to accept that as true concerning
just about everyone. Enlightenment is a supreme and extremely rare
achievement for spiritual heroes, not the likes of us – certainly not
the likes of me. So I (and all my friends and family) have in themselves
no hope. Not only that. Actually from a Buddhist perspective in the
scale of infinite time the significance of each of us as such, as the
person we are, converges on nothing. For each of us lives our life and
perishes. Each one of us – the person we are - is lost forever. Buddhism
for me was hope-less. But was I absolutely sure Buddhism was true? As
St Paul knew so well, Christianity at least offers hope.
Karma
Let
me say something now about the theory that usually goes along with that
of rebirth, the theory of karma. This is the theory, broadly, that our
virtuous and vicious actions have respectively pleasant and painful
results for us. Thus if I stub and break my little toe, that painful
experience is as such the result of a vicious deed done by me in the
past. If what I have said so far is correct then the principles of karma
when applied over lifetimes must mean that some persons escape
altogether at least some of the results of their vicious deeds, and
others receive unpleasant experiences that result from vicious deeds
they did not do.
For
consider the following: Supposing a horrible dictator gives orders on
his deathbed for painfully executing a thousand people. That dictator
dies, so that person – the dictator – never receives the nasty results
due to him through karma. There no doubt will be another being, 'his
rebirth' who will receive those horrible results. But, first, what is
that to our dictator? And, second, clearly that other being (the
rebirth) will be horribly hurt as a result of something he, she, or it,
did not do. The idea that a baby, for example, suffers from a painful
illness because of something another person did, even if the baby is in
some sense a rebirth of that person, can scarcely be portrayed as
satisfactory or just. It could certainly not be, as some have claimed,
the most acceptable answer to the problem of evil. The baby simply is
not that person who did the wicked deed, no more than a baby cockroach
is me after my execution.
Buddhists
do not hold that God exists, but if there were a God certainly the
theory of karma would be quite incompatible with His justice. So, too,
would be the throwing away of persons on the rubbish heap of history,
that is entailed by rebirth.
The Christian has hope
It seems to me patently obvious that if I am reborn the person I
am now in this life ceases to exist. This is blindingly obvious if I am
reborn as a cockroach in South America. We could not say that I am the same person as a cockroach in South America. Could we anymore say I would be the same personif
my rebirth involved a human embryo in Africa? Or in Bristol, in my own
family? And the standard Buddhist position (correctly) explicitly denies
that the rebirth is the same person as the one who died. Thus rebirth
is incompatible with the infinite value of the person.
But
Christianity is the religion of the infinite value of the person. The
person we are, or can become, is not accidental to us, and is not
unimportant. Each person is an individual creation of God, as such
infinitely loved and valued by God. On this is based the whole of
Christian morality, from the value of the family to the altruism and
self-denial of the saints. Because we are infinitely valuable to God
Jesus died to save each one of us. He did not die to save chains of
rebirths, or reincarnating Selves. He died to save us. And we are the
persons we are, as embodied individuals with our stories, families and
friends. Contrary to the myth of the Christian hatred of the physical
and the body, actually Christianity is also the religion of embodiment
and the essential goodness of all physical creation.
It follows from all this that rebirth would be diametrically opposed to the whole direction of Christianity. If there
is survival of death - and the faith of the Christian, originating in
Christ's own resurrection, is based on that - it cannot be in terms of
rebirth. Rebirth and the infinite value of the person are incompatible.
The Christian view of death is one of hope, indeed of triumph, for
(apart from anything else) it sees death not as an empty void, a
nothingness. The story is not over for the persons we are, and we can
hope that we do not part forever from our friends and family. But much,
much more, our faith is that in God our deaths will be meaningful for
each and every one of us – each individual person – in ways that exceed
our imaginations but that even now excite our hope and draw-on our
lives.
Conclusion
Well
– it was thoughts like this that gradually led me away from Buddhism.
Buddhism was for me hope-less. Christians have hope. I so wanted to be
able to be a Christian. I returned, to look again at the things that I
had rejected in my earlier Christian faith. I detail the stages of my
journey in my bookThe Unexpected Way (T&T
Clark/Continuum: 2002). Through grace I came again to God. I convinced
myself that it was rational to believe in God, as rational – indeed I
now think more rational – than to believe with the Buddhists that there
is no God. Coming to believe in God, I could no longer be a Buddhist. I
had to be a theist. I looked carefully at the evidence and was
astonished to find that the literal resurrection of Our Lord from the
dead after His crucifixion was the most rational explanation of what
must have happened. That, I felt, made Christianity the most rational
option out of theistic religions. And, as a Christian, I argued that
priority has to be given to the Roman Catholic Church. I needed a good
reason not to be received into the Catholic Church. In my book I examine
various arguments that were given to me against becoming a Catholic,
and I argue that as a reason for rejecting the Catholic Church they fail
to convince. So I was received into the Catholic Church.
I now live in gratitude and hope. And I have never, ever, for one moment regretted my decision.
ADENDUM
If what I have argued here is correct, then it seems to me we are entitled theologically to say that we know rebirth is false. What I mean by this is:
i) Rebirth is incompatible with Christian belief.
ii) As Christian believers we are entitled to say that we know theologically that Christian belief is true.
iii) Whatever is incompatible with a truth is false.
iv) Hence we are entitled to say as Christian believers that we know theologically that rebirth is false.
Some further reading on Buddhism and Catholicism by Paul Williams:
The Unexpected Way, Continuum, 2002
Buddhism from a Catholic Perspective, Catholic Truth Society, 2006
'Buddhism', in Gavin D'Costa (ed.) The Catholic Church and the World Religions: A Theological and Phenomenological Account, Continuum, 2011
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