Clean jokes…
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Gary Phelps
Dec 2, 2024, 8:50:04 PM12/2/24
to Sailors Clean Humor
Clean jokes…
Why did the invisible man turn down a job offer? He said, he couldn’t see himself doing it.
——
My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards. I said, “Y not?”
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My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner, so I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.
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Our son told us he doesn’t want to go to college and instead wants to become a steam roller driver. We told him, we weren’t happy about it but wouldn’t stand in his way.
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With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
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Customer: Waiter, my soup is cold! Waiter: It’s gazpacho. Customer: Gazpacho, my soup is cold!
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Patient: What’s the problem doctor? Doctor: You’re overweight. Patient: Well, I want a second opinion. Doctor: Sure. You’re ugly too.
—
To subscribe to Sailors Clean Humor send blank email to sailors-clean-...@googlegroups.com
—
Why did the invisible man turn down a job offer? He said, he couldn’t see himself doing it.
——
My friend Tony asked me not to say his name backwards. I said, “Y not?”
——
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner, so I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.
——
Our son told us he doesn’t want to go to college and instead wants to become a steam roller driver. We told him, we weren’t happy about it but wouldn’t stand in his way.
——
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
——
Customer: Waiter, my soup is cold! Waiter: It’s gazpacho. Customer: Gazpacho, my soup is cold!
——
Patient: What’s the problem doctor? Doctor: You’re overweight. Patient: Well, I want a second opinion. Doctor: Sure. You’re ugly too.
—
To subscribe to Sailors Clean Humor send blank email to sailors-clean-...@googlegroups.com
—
Gary Phelps
Dec 3, 2024, 8:21:03 PM12/3/24
to Sailors Clean Humor
Clean jokes…
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens. They are calling it -- Apollo G.
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Which two words have the most letters in them? Post office.
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They say Dodger Stadium can hold up to fifty-six thousand people, but that is just a ballpark figure.
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There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
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Give a man a fish, and he’ll Instagram it...
Teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.
——
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York and as she gave the agent her luggage she asked, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."
The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't to that."
"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
——
Keep Your Temper
“Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it.”
- Dearborn Independent
——
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens. They are calling it -- Apollo G.
——
Which two words have the most letters in them? Post office.
——
They say Dodger Stadium can hold up to fifty-six thousand people, but that is just a ballpark figure.
——
There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
——
Give a man a fish, and he’ll Instagram it...
Teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it.
——
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York and as she gave the agent her luggage she asked, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."
The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't to that."
"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
——
Keep Your Temper
“Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it.”
- Dearborn Independent
——
Gary Phelps
Dec 5, 2024, 8:06:06 PM12/5/24
to Sailors Clean Humor
Clean jokes …
I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend. My neighbor is dead against it.
——
A student was heading home for the holidays, and when she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage she asked, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London." The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't to that." "Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
——
Paddy: What part of the human body is called the "yet"? Cletus: I don't know, why ya ask?” Paddy: In the paper it said this lady got shot and they haven't got the bullet out of her yet.
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I’m currently reading a book on DIY house construction
by Bill Jerome Holmes.
——
My husband called me from his job at the Velcro factory and said he was stuck at work.
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Not to brag, but I have this talent to know what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift.
——
I've been busy writing a pun about the wind. I can't post it yet, it's just a draft.
I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my property over the weekend. My neighbor is dead against it.
——
A student was heading home for the holidays, and when she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage she asked, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London." The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't to that." "Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
——
Paddy: What part of the human body is called the "yet"? Cletus: I don't know, why ya ask?” Paddy: In the paper it said this lady got shot and they haven't got the bullet out of her yet.
——
I’m currently reading a book on DIY house construction
by Bill Jerome Holmes.
——
My husband called me from his job at the Velcro factory and said he was stuck at work.
——
Not to brag, but I have this talent to know what's inside a wrapped present. It's a gift.
——
I've been busy writing a pun about the wind. I can't post it yet, it's just a draft.
Gary Phelps
Dec 7, 2024, 8:17:04 PM12/7/24
to Sailors Clean Humor
Clean jokes…
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
——
Recently a family court judge was interviewing a 15 yr. old boy, asking him which parent he wanted to live with, his mother or father? The kid said he didn't want to live with either one -- that both of them beat him all the time. The kid said he wanted to live with the Dallas Cowboys -- they never beat anybody!
——
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
——
I once played poker with tarot cards...
I got a full house and four people died.
——
To the irritation of the judge, a man was trying to be excused from jury duty. "Tell me," began the judge, "is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in the trial?"
The man replied, "I don't want to be away from my job that long."
"Can't they do without you at work?" demanded the judge.
"Yes," admitted the juror. "But I don't want them to realize it."
——
Walking Away With Joint Custody
“I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon.”
- Richelle Mead, The Indigo Spell
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
——
Recently a family court judge was interviewing a 15 yr. old boy, asking him which parent he wanted to live with, his mother or father? The kid said he didn't want to live with either one -- that both of them beat him all the time. The kid said he wanted to live with the Dallas Cowboys -- they never beat anybody!
——
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning." "Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
——
I once played poker with tarot cards...
I got a full house and four people died.
——
To the irritation of the judge, a man was trying to be excused from jury duty. "Tell me," began the judge, "is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in the trial?"
The man replied, "I don't want to be away from my job that long."
"Can't they do without you at work?" demanded the judge.
"Yes," admitted the juror. "But I don't want them to realize it."
——
Walking Away With Joint Custody
“I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon.”
- Richelle Mead, The Indigo Spell
Gary Phelps
Dec 9, 2024, 8:30:04 PM12/9/24
to Sailors Clean Humor
Clean jokes …
People who confuse the metaphorical and the factual make my head literally explode.
——
Head lice are now resistant to all the usual medical treatments, which has scientists scratching their heads.
——
When I was little, we were so poor, that on my 6th birthday, my mom put 3 candles on half a cake and stuck it in front of a mirror.
——
The worship leader at church announced that he was going to sing the 22nd psalm. After she finished, my young granddaughter whispered to me, "that was NOT a 20 second psalm!"
——
So after the tragic death of his lovely wife Ethel, Burt decided to call the newspaper with a message for the Obituaries column. He read out his message to the phone assistant at the newspaper "Ethel Mary Jane Harris - 14th January 1940 to 3rd April 2021. Ethel was a loving wife of 60 years and an accomplished pianist much loved by her students whom she taught the piano to and the world will not be the same place without her. Much loved. With the angels now" The assistant at the newspaper said, "that is such a beautiful verse and the cost is forty five pounds" Burt replies, "that seems a lot of money, is that right?" The newspaper assistant says, "the cost is one pound per word, would you like to change your message?" Burt thinks and replies, "Ethel dead, piano for sale".
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Beverly is 90 years old. She's played golf every day since her retirement 25 years ago. One day she arrives home looking sad. "That's it," she tells her husband. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went." The husband makes her a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you take me with you and give it one more try.?" "That's no good," sighs Beverly, "Your a hundred and three. You can't help."! "I may be a hundred and three" says Gus, "but my eyesight is perfect." So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course with her husband, Gus. She tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. She turns to her husband and says, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replied Gus. "I have perfect eyesight". "Where did it go?" says Beverly. Gus..."I don't remember".
People who confuse the metaphorical and the factual make my head literally explode.
——
Head lice are now resistant to all the usual medical treatments, which has scientists scratching their heads.
——
When I was little, we were so poor, that on my 6th birthday, my mom put 3 candles on half a cake and stuck it in front of a mirror.
——
The worship leader at church announced that he was going to sing the 22nd psalm. After she finished, my young granddaughter whispered to me, "that was NOT a 20 second psalm!"
——
So after the tragic death of his lovely wife Ethel, Burt decided to call the newspaper with a message for the Obituaries column. He read out his message to the phone assistant at the newspaper "Ethel Mary Jane Harris - 14th January 1940 to 3rd April 2021. Ethel was a loving wife of 60 years and an accomplished pianist much loved by her students whom she taught the piano to and the world will not be the same place without her. Much loved. With the angels now" The assistant at the newspaper said, "that is such a beautiful verse and the cost is forty five pounds" Burt replies, "that seems a lot of money, is that right?" The newspaper assistant says, "the cost is one pound per word, would you like to change your message?" Burt thinks and replies, "Ethel dead, piano for sale".
——
Beverly is 90 years old. She's played golf every day since her retirement 25 years ago. One day she arrives home looking sad. "That's it," she tells her husband. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went." The husband makes her a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you take me with you and give it one more try.?" "That's no good," sighs Beverly, "Your a hundred and three. You can't help."! "I may be a hundred and three" says Gus, "but my eyesight is perfect." So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course with her husband, Gus. She tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. She turns to her husband and says, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replied Gus. "I have perfect eyesight". "Where did it go?" says Beverly. Gus..."I don't remember".
Gary Phelps
Dec 13, 2024, 8:00:04 PM12/13/24
to Sailors Clean Humor
Clean jokes…
I'm getting tired of riding to work from New Jersey to Manhattan with my neighbors. I guess I'm getting Carpool Tunnel syndrome
——
Ever wonder about those people who spend all that money on those little bottles of Evian brand water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
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Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
——
A worker walks into his boss’s office and says “I’ve got three companies after me right now, so if you want me to stay here, I’ll need a 5% raise.” The boss agrees and the man gets up to leave. As he’s walking out the door, his boss asks “What are the three companies after you?” The man replies “The electric company, the water company, and the gas company.”
——
It was David’s first day as a pilot. The Control tower asked, “What are your coordinates?” David said, “I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion.” The control tower said, “Can you be more specific?” David says, “Simba.”
——
I'm getting tired of riding to work from New Jersey to Manhattan with my neighbors. I guess I'm getting Carpool Tunnel syndrome
——
Ever wonder about those people who spend all that money on those little bottles of Evian brand water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
——
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
——
A worker walks into his boss’s office and says “I’ve got three companies after me right now, so if you want me to stay here, I’ll need a 5% raise.” The boss agrees and the man gets up to leave. As he’s walking out the door, his boss asks “What are the three companies after you?” The man replies “The electric company, the water company, and the gas company.”
——
It was David’s first day as a pilot. The Control tower asked, “What are your coordinates?” David said, “I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion.” The control tower said, “Can you be more specific?” David says, “Simba.”
——
Gary Phelps
Dec 16, 2024, 8:44:03 PM12/16/24
to Sailors Clean Humor
Clean jokes…
What is an octopus’s favorite love song? I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.
——
When the glacier was asked for an opinion on weather conditions, it replied, “I don’t know, I’ve never really thawed about it.”
——
Took the kids to the zoo last week…going back this week to see how they settled in.
——
I don’t know if my pants are feeling loose because I’m loosing weight or if the elastic has finally given up the fight.
——
A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. The alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump petrol into it. The woman noticed the letters UFO printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked, “Does UFO stand for Unidentified Flying Object?”. The alien answered, “No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only.”
——
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know, the same as you I suppose.” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!” “Well, there you go’ cried the husband, “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night.”
What is an octopus’s favorite love song? I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.
——
When the glacier was asked for an opinion on weather conditions, it replied, “I don’t know, I’ve never really thawed about it.”
——
Took the kids to the zoo last week…going back this week to see how they settled in.
——
I don’t know if my pants are feeling loose because I’m loosing weight or if the elastic has finally given up the fight.
——
A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. The alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump petrol into it. The woman noticed the letters UFO printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked, “Does UFO stand for Unidentified Flying Object?”. The alien answered, “No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only.”
——
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know, the same as you I suppose.” she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!” “Well, there you go’ cried the husband, “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night.”
Gary Phelps
Dec 19, 2024, 11:30:38 AM12/19/24
to Sailors Clean Humor
Clean jokes …
My job at the concrete factory gets harder and harder.
——
A very philosophical friend asked me, “What is Earth without art?” I just looked at him and said, “Eh?”
——
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake. I thought: ‘The streets are strangely deserted tonight’.
——
My wife was getting annoyed that I kept leaving freezer door open and it kept on defrosting…we have since split up, it’s all water under the fridge.
——
I don’t have a “dad bod”... I have a father figure.
——
Father: Didn’t you promise to be a good boy? Little Johnny: Yes, father. Father: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you weren’t? Little Johnny: Yes father, but since I’ve broken my promise, you don’t have to keep yours.
——
A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, mom, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “OK, guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies, “The one in the middle.” “That’s amazing, mom. You’re right! How did you know?” His mom replies, “I don’t like her.”
My job at the concrete factory gets harder and harder.
——
A very philosophical friend asked me, “What is Earth without art?” I just looked at him and said, “Eh?”
——
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake. I thought: ‘The streets are strangely deserted tonight’.
——
My wife was getting annoyed that I kept leaving freezer door open and it kept on defrosting…we have since split up, it’s all water under the fridge.
——
I don’t have a “dad bod”... I have a father figure.
——
Father: Didn’t you promise to be a good boy? Little Johnny: Yes, father. Father: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you weren’t? Little Johnny: Yes father, but since I’ve broken my promise, you don’t have to keep yours.
——
A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, mom, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “OK, guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies, “The one in the middle.” “That’s amazing, mom. You’re right! How did you know?” His mom replies, “I don’t like her.”
Gary Phelps
Dec 23, 2024, 8:27:06 PM12/23/24
to Sailors Clean Humor
Clean jokes…
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I don’t mean to brag, but cashiers are always checking me out.
——I visited a Doritos farm today. What a cool ranch!
——
Told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me on Tuesday.
——
Sure…skydiving is scary, but have you ever been at someone’s house and the toilet won’t flush?
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Boss: Congratulations on winning “The most secretive guilty in the office” award. Employee: I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
——
Just got a book on bankruptcy. Tough read, doesn’t really get going till chapter 11.
—
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