Clean jokes….

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

I’m practicing for a bug-eating contest and I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.
——
Dear Tide: I've used your excellent product all of my married life. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! Last month, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband belittled me about being clumsy and a pain in the ass. Well, one thing led to another, and somehow his blood ended up on my new white blouse! I grabbed the Tide and, to my surprise, the stains came out. So well, in fact, the detectives tell me the DNA tests on my blouse are negative and I'm no longer a suspect. Going through menopause is bad enough without a murder rap to worry about! Again, thank you for such a great product. PS. Do you know the address of the Hefty bag people?
——
Boyfriend: "I named my dog after you." Girlfriend: "Aww. Because it's so cute?" Boyfriend: "No. Because it's a bitch!"
——
"Evidently, my pain pills are not working."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, you're still here."
——
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Sarah decided she had been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate, and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV when the doorbell rang. Her dad went to the door, and there stood her date.

He took one look at Sarah on the couch and gasped, "I'm two hours late and she's still not ready?"
—
To subscribe to Sailors Clean Humor send blank email to sailors-clean-...@googlegroups.com
—

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? Because they might peel!
——
"Jim, did you call your boss a liar?" "Yep." "And did you call him stupid?" "Yep." "And did you call him an opinionated, bullheaded egomaniac?" "No, but hang on while I write that one down!"
——
A secretary in the hospital after having her appendix removed, was visited by a co-worker. "How are things at the office, Claudia?" she asked. Claudia replied, "It's going well. Everyone is sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee, Louise is playing solitaire, and Cathy is blowing Mr. Robinson!"
——
All my life I thought air was free…

Until I bought a bag of chips.
——
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.

After seeing this, the teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?"

Little Johnny replied, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
——
There’s not really any training for garbagemen. They just pick things up as they go.

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Why did Star Wars, episodes 4, 5, and 6 come out before episodes 1, 2, and 3? Because in charge of release dates, Yoda was.
——
Kofi walks in to a restaurant and wants to order chicken. Unfortunately, English is not his first language and he can't remember how to say chicken in English.

Kofi sees the guy at the table next to him with a plate with 4 boiled eggs on it.

Kofi points to the plate of eggs and says to the waiter, “I want their mother!"
——
Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.

"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"No, it's not," he replied. "Your neighbor forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."
——
Yelling

"If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them."

- Reese Witherspoon
——
Where do bees go to the bathroom? The BP station.

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?

An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year.

A mafia actuary can name them.
——
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Theology is a game whose object is to bring rules into the subjective.
——
What is worse then finding a worm in your Apple? Finding half a worm in your Apple.
——
"Mrs. Simpson, to improve your husband's circulation, I want him to take one of these pills every morning and drink a glass of red wine every evening." A few weeks later, the doctor happened to meet Mrs. Simpson. "How's Mr. Simpson?" "Well, doc, he's way behind on the pills, but he's a year ahead on the wine!"
——
The new remake of The Exorcist has a different twist. This time, they remove the priest from a boy.

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can’t wait to see how it turns out.
——
The first man to achieve powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the Earth was from Ohio. The first man to walk on the moon was from Ohio. Why does everyone want to get out of Ohio?
——
A redneck named Willie closed down the local tavern and climbed into his pickup a little drunk. Suddenly, a piston blew. Willie was mad as hell as he walked home, down the lonely country road. After a while, a bunch of rednecks in another pickup stopped and yelled, "What's the matter, Willie?" Willie replied, "Piston broke!" The other redneck responded, "Shit! We're all pissed 'n broke. Climb in. We'll take ya home!"
——
Why couldn't the police identify the dead baker?

He was a John Dough!
——
A friend and I were in a bar fight with the bar bully.

We took him to court for medical costs for stitches and a concussion when he hit my buddy with a beer bottle.

The judge asked him what he had to say for himself. He said, "Your honor, I only used a lite beer!"

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

A minister lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his Florida congregation. He said, "It's so beautiful here in the winter that heaven doesn't interest them. And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them!"
——
When I met my now wife, I asked if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals.

She responded, "No, I just really hate vegetables."
——
The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and so his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and so he coughed the coin out.

"I don't know how to thank you, doc..." his mother started.

"I'm not a doctor," the man replied, "I'm from the IRS."
——
I Avoid Temptation

“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.”

- Mae West

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Guy walks into bar, pulling on a long chain.

The bartender asks him, "You come in here everyday pulling that chain, why?"

The guy replies, "You ever tried to push one?"
——
Teacher: Are you good in history?

Little Johnny: Yes and no.

Teacher: What does that mean?

Little Johnny: Yes, I’m no good in history.
——
The Family Skeleton

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”

- George Bernard Shaw
——
Why wouldn't the dentist display his awards?

He wanted to prevent plaque buildup.
——
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.

"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.

"Still employed," he answered.
——

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

What do you call sleeping male cattle? Bulldozers

What do you get from pampered cows? Spoiled milk

Did you hear about the cow that tried to jump a barbwire fence? It was an udder disaster

And my all time favorite:

What do you call a cow after she has given birth? Decaffeinated
——
"And how are we feeling today?" asked the surgeon of his patient who had a hernia operation three days ago. "I hurt. You don't know how it feels!" The doctor replied, "I know exactly how it feels; I had the same procedure last month and I was back at work in two days. There's no difference in our operations." His patient disagreed. "Oh, yes, there is. You had a different surgeon!"
——
A doctor pulled a rectal thermometer from his pocket, stared at it, shook his head and said, "Looks like some asshole has my pen!"

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

What is the most important use for cowhide? Holding the cow together

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean Beef

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef

What do you call a cow that won’t give milk? An udder failure or a milk dud.
——
Two monkeys were taking a bath. The first one said, "Ooo aa ooaa whoo!" The second monkey said, "Well, add some cold water then!"
——
After nearly forty years in practice, a gynecologist decided to retire to pursue his first love, auto mechanics. He enrolled at the local community college and worked very hard, but worried that he was too old to compete with his younger classmates. Sure enough, on the final exam the other students finished in about two hours, while it took him the full four hours allocated. Afterwards, as he washed up, he asked his teacher about his grade. "I gave you a score of 150 points out of 100 possible," said the teacher. "What? How can that be?" "Well, I gave you 50 points for disassembling the engine perfectly, another 50 points for reassembling the engine perfectly, and an additional 50 points for doing the whole damn job through the muffler!"

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

This morning, at the grocery store, I watched a man slip celery into other people's shopping carts. Yes, he was a stalker!
——
After the plane reached cruising altitude, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain speaking. The weather ahead is good and I expect a smooth and uneventful flight, so just sit back and, OH MY GOD!" Silence followed for a few moments while the entire plane held its breath until the intercom clicked back on. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was speaking, the flight attendant bringing me a cup of hot coffee spilled it right in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" One passenger shouted, "Oh, yeah? You should see the back of mine!"
——
Why doesn't the ocean leak?

Because it has Seals.
——
A hospital posted a notice in the nurses' mess saying:

"Remember, the first five minutes of a human being's life are the most dangerous."

Underneath, a nurse had written:

"The last five are pretty risky, too."
——
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Why do cows were bells? Their horns don’t work

What do you call cows with a sense of humor? Laughing stock

Why don’t cows understand what you say? Because it goes in one ear and out the udder

How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down

Where do baby cows get their food? The cafeteria

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

You May Be Italian if: You're 5' 4," bench press 325, shave twice a day, but still cry when your mother yells at you. Your father owns five houses, has a million in the bank, but still drives a '96 Oldsmobile. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, and travel agent are all blood relatives. Your best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law. You hold VIP cards at more than three strip clubs. Despite your hairy back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing a "Just Do Me" tank top. At least five of your cousins live on your street; and all of them are named after your grandfather. You're on a first-name basis with more than five banquet hall owners. There were more than twenty people in your bridal party. You netted $50,000 on your first communion. You share a bathroom with your five brothers, are broke, but drive a fancy car.
——
A wife arrived home early from a business trip to find her husband in bed with a young woman. "What the hell is going on here?" she screamed. Her husband calmly replied, "Let me explain, dear. I was driving home when I saw this young lady hitchhiking. She was hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from that roast beef in the fridge you had forgotten about. Since she was bare-footed, I gave her those sandals you discarded because they were out of style. Since she had no coat, I gave her that sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wear because you don't like the color. Since her pants were torn, I gave her that pair of jeans that are too small for you. Then, when she was about to leave, she asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?' and I thought..."
——
Teacher: "You are the only one in the entire class who makes so many mistakes in the homework assignment."

Student: "That is not true, I am not the only one. My parents are involved in this as well!"
——
A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven.

At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven! Heaven!" yelled little Lisa.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.

"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.
——
The Stupidity of the Average Person

“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

- George Carlin
——
What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forest1

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Hospital gowns are like insurance: they never cover as much as you think they do!
——
A man was in confession. He told the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman." "What do you mean, 'almost'?" "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together a little, but then I stopped." The priest replied, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. Don't go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man left the confessional, went over, said his prayers, then stopped near the poor box for a moment before leaving. The priest just happened to notice his actions. "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well, that's true, Father, I didn't. But I rubbed the money against it and you said that was the same as putting it in!"
——
How did the Dermatologist and the Dentist afford their new mansion?

By the skin of their teeth.
——
A man was sitting at an interview, in his new suit, looking his very best.

As he put his hands down to make a point, he and his interviewer noticed the price tag was still attached to the sleeve.

"Well," the man said, "at least I can take the suit back if I don't get the job."
——
Each Of Whom Is Perfectly Normal

“Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.”

- Sam Levenson

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!
——
Why don’t cows have money? Because farmers milk them dry
——
Why did the cow kick Roy Rogers? She heard he was a cowpuncher.
——
Two old friends met by chance on the street.

After chatting for some time one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me".

The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"
——
I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of stuff. It is enough to make a mango crazy.
—-
The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."
——
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and asked them to write the rest.

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You ... Mess It Up.

Better Be Safe Than ... Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The ... Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before ... Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate the Power of ... Termites.

You Can Lead a Horse to Water But ... How?

Don't Bite the Hand that ... Looks Dirty.

No News is ... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As a ... Mr.

You Can't Teach an Old Dog New ... Math.

If You Lie Down With the Dogs, You'll ... Stink in the Morning.

Love All, Trust ... Me

The Pen is Mightier Than the ... Pigs.

An Idle Mind is ... The Best Way to Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's ... Pollution.

Happy the Bride Who ... Gets All the Presents!

A Penny Saved is ... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's ... The Musketeers.

None are so Blind as... Helen Keller.
——
Count Your Age By Friends

“Count your age by friends, not years. Count your life by smiles, not tears.”

- John Lennon

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Jake: "I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortable seated."

Lily: "So what do you do?"

Jake: "I close my eyes."
——
A newcomer to the neighborhood consulted one of the established residents in regard to a doctor.

"My little daughter," she explained, "has swallowed a gold piece and has got to be operated on. I wonder if Dr. Robertson is to be trusted?

"Without a doubt," her neighbor assured her, "he's absolutely honest."
——
Man's Best Friend

“The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.”

- Doug Larson
——
Little Johnny: "Mom, Dad just backed out of the garage and ran over my bicycle!"

Mom: "Maybe in the future you shouldn't leave it on the front lawn."
——
It was Grandpa Jones' 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.

He explained, "I put my long life down to spending so much time outdoors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years."

"How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" they asked.

"It's simple," he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made a solemn pledge. We agreed that whenever we had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take a long walk."

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Did you hear about the campsite that got visited by Bigfoot? It got in tents.
——
When cows get sick what do you call it? Hay Fever
——
Why did the cow jump over the moon? To get to the Milky Way
——
"Doctor, you gotta help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac." "Don't worry: there's something you can take for that!"
——
The Dean of Women at the exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people," she droned. "In moments of temptation, you must ask yourself one question: Is a lifetime of shame worth an hour of pleasure?" From the back of the room came a quiet voice. "How do you make it last an hour?"
——
My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly bear on each bicep...

She is infringing on my right to bear arms!
——
The pope is early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope, "Please wait here," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope is his driver."

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it!
——
Yesterday, I had to change a lightbulb, so I went to the hardware store to buy a bulb. On the way, I followed a chicken across the road. Afterwards, I went to the bar, where I saw a priest, a rabbi, and a blonde being served drinks by Matt, a bartender with no arms or legs. I came home drunk, only to hear a knock-knock at my door. It was my neighbor's kid, Little Johnny. It was then that I realized: my life is one big joke!
——
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant for dinner. While sipping a glass of wine, he noticed a sizzling platter being delivered to the next table. It not only looked good, it smelled wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that dish?" The waiter smiled. "Ah, señor, you have excellent taste! Those are from the morning bullfight. After the matador kills the bull, his testicles are removed and brought to our restaurant. Ah, such a delicacy!" The American was momentarily daunted by the origin of the dish, but decided, what the hell? I'm on vacation! "Bring me an order!" The waiter frowned. "I am so sorry, señor. But since there is but one bullfight each day, there is but one serving each day. But you could place your order now for tomorrow and I would be pleased to serve you this specialty!" He placed his order and impatiently waited 24 hours. The next evening, he returned to the same restaurant and the same waiter proudly served him the one and only order of the delicacy of the day. After a few delicious bites, he called the waiter over to his table. "These are surely delicious, but they seem so much smaller than yesterday's serving?" The waiter replied, "Si, señor! Not every day does the bull lose!"
——
When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.

It’s Trudeau.
——
Two snakes are walking down the street. "Oh man, I have to ask you something," the little one said.

"What is it?"

"Are we dangerous? You know, venomous?"

The other one said, "Of course we are, why?"

"Because I just bit myself!"
——
Go Confidently

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined."

- Henry David Thoreau
——

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?” The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
——
Boss: "This is the third time this week that you've been late for work. Do you know what that means?" Employee: "That today is Wednesday?"
——
A professor told his students, "Today's lesson is on the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage." Then he dialed a random number on his phone, put it on speaker and, when someone answered, said, "Hello? May I please speak with Dave?" The voice on the line answered, "I'm sorry, but you have the wrong number." The professor hung up and said, "Now, students, that's surprise. Now I'll show you irritation." He hit redial and asked, "Hi. Can Dave come to the phone?" "I told you, buddy. You have the wrong number." "Now that's irritation." He dialed the same number a third time and asked, "Is Dave available?" "Listen, you fucking dipshit, if you call me again, I'll find you and shove that phone up your ass!" The professor says to the class, "That's rage." One student said, "Professor? Didn't you forget the fourth stage?" "And, what is that?" "Total confusion." The student hit redial and said, "Hi, this is Dave. Have I had any calls today?"
——
Husband to wife) If I could write a check for a million dollars, I could afford to be eccentric.

(Wife) Keep working at it honey, at this point in time you can only afford to be delusional.
——
A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment, he said, "You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."

"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Young lady to minister: "We're here to get married." Minister: "I can't marry you to a man who's so obviously drunk! Besides, you've been here before and I told you the same thing." "That's true, sir, but when he ain't drunk, I can't get him here!"
——
What happened when the zookeeper mixed human and sheep DNA? He was fired and arrested!
——
My friend is notorious for waiting until the needle is on empty before filling his gas tank. Finally his car died on him, and we had to push it to the nearest filling station. After my friend finished pumping gas, the attendant asked if he had learned anything.

“Yeah,” my friend muttered, “I learned I have a 15-gallon tank.”
——
After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily.

“Wow,” the woman said. “I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car.”

“Actually,” I replied, “that’s my husband.”
——
If Dogs Can't Count

"If you think dogs can't count, try putting three biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them."

- Phil Pastoret

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

As a guy came into the office, his boss stormed up and said, "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?" He replied, "Not particularly."
——
Roy, a blind man, and a married couple with nine children were waiting for a bus. When the bus finally arrived, it was nearly full; only the wife and children were allowed to board. Left without a choice, Roy and the husband started walking. The incessant ticking of Roy's cane tapping on the sidewalk soon got to the man. He said, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking is driving me crazy." Roy replied, "Me? If you had put a rubber at the end of your stick, we'd be riding the bus!"
——
Sam: I’m having a lot of trouble with eczema, teacher.

Teacher: Heavens, where do you have it?

Sam: I don’t have it, I just can’t spell it.
——
During history class the teacher was discussing George Washington.

"George Washington, not only did he chopped down his cherry tree," the teacher explained, "but he also admitted to doing it. Does anyone know why his father did not punish him? "

After a few minutes of silence Little Johnny answered, "Maybe because George still had the ax in his hand?"
——
You Can and You Should

"You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will."

- Stephen King

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

After Little Johnny had misbehaved yet again, his Sunday School teacher told him, "I'm afraid I'll never see you in heaven, Johnny." Little Johnny responded, "Why? What have you done wrong?"
——
I have the ability to drive a woman wild using only my tongue. Let me demonstrate: "Have you put on a few pounds?"
——
A beginner rider at the stables was trying to saddle a horse. “Excuse me,” said the old hand, “but you are putting that saddle on backwards.”

“How do you know?” snapped the student. “You do not know which way I’m going.”
——
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
——
Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't afford personalized license plates for her car? She changed her name to JKM-345.
——
How does driving through dense fog differ from 69? With the latter, you can see the asshole in front of you!

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
——
Teacher: Clyde, your composition about “My dog” is exactly like your brothers. Did you copy this?

Clyde: No sir. It’s the same dog.
——-
A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He climbs up to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows and the man begins to fly. He soars upward, turns, and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario says, "Is that all you've got? Bird impressions?"
——
An elderly couple fell in love. He got down on one knee and said, "I have two questions for you: One, will you marry me?" "Yes, of course. What's the other question?" "Can you help me up?"
——
Why did the blonde always have a headache after oral sex? Because she kept hitting her head on the steering wheel!

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password? 1forest1

——
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?

The hip consultant.
——
A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, "Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"

"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"
——
Just before Easter, I remarked to my husband that with the children grown and away from home, this was the first year that we hadn’t dyed eggs and had an Easter-egg hunt.

“That’s all right, honey,” he said. “We can just hide each other’s vitamin pills.”
——
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a pain in the ass to iron."
——
Why I Talk to Myself

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

― George Carlin

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"

Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy."

Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."

Boy 2: "It will if it's your big brother's candy!"
——
Wife: What are your plans for Easter?

Husband: Same as Jesus...

Wife: What do you mean?

Husband: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!

Wife: AWESOME! You do that, I'll do a Mary and show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.

The man stayed home.
——
Looking for Scars

“God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas but for scars.”

― Elbert Hubbard

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

It Might be a Redneck Easter if: Dinner is serve on a Ping-Pong table. The china is previously-used paper plates. The entrée is squirrel and dumplings. The salad bowls all say Cool Whip. The buffet table is an ironing board. Before dinner, you have to decide which pet to eat. The serving platter is a Ford hub cap. The stuffing's "secret ingredient" came from the bait shop. The only condiment is ketchup. Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. The directions to the house include "turn off the paved road." The Jell-o is molded in the shape of Elvis. Vienna Sausage is the appetizer.
——
Three elderly ladies met every week without fail for coffee, cigarettes, and conversation. One day, Doris announced, "I'm giving up smoking. I survived cancer of the uterus, and I'm not taking any more chances." Before Doris finished speaking, Edith lit up a butt. Hazel asked, "Edith? Aren't you afraid of getting cancer of the uterus?" Edith replied without batting an eye, "Oh, no dear. I don't inhale that far down!"
——
Doctor: "Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?"

Patient: “Good new please!”

Doctor: “Well, we’re naming a disease after you...”
——
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... Look, he's Moving!"
——
If Dogs Could Talk

“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.”

- Andrew A. Rooney

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

To show my wife how much I love her I bought her a beautiful diamond ring...

I had it engraved with the cost.
——
A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together.

Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man. "Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?"

The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry ever since."
——
Who Can't Take A Joke

“The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.”

— Oscar Wilde
—-
What do an ambulance and a yoga class have in common?

They both contain stretchers.
—-

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Little Johnny forgot his lines in the Sunday School pageant. His mom silently prompted him from the front row, but it didn't help. His memory was blank. She finally leaned forward and whispered, "I am the light of the world." He beamed and in a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world!"
——
The Difference between PMS and Menopause: A woman with PMS will kill you. A woman with menopause will make you kill yourself!
——
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.

It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there.

They have no wife to go home to... or they do!
——
At an art gallery, a woman and her 10 year old son were having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose and went with the autumn themed one.

“I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral one,” said the gallery owner, who happened to be nearby and witnessed the mother-son interaction.

“No,” said the boy. “This painting is wider, so it’ll cover the three holes I put in the wall.”
——
Step Forward Into Growth

“You will either step forward into growth, or you will step back into safety”

– Abraham Maslow

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

A minister, a priest, and a rabbit walked into a blood bank. The nurse asked, "What is your blood type?" The rabbit said, "I think I'm a type O."
——
Children's laughter is a wonderful thing... unless it's the middle of the night. And you don't have kids!
——
Dating is like traveling on a bicycle. If you don’t like the journey, you can get off anytime.

Marriage is like traveling by airplane. Once you’re in, you can’t get off that easy.
——
Jessie is telling Sam about the new mechanic in the neighborhood.

"I'm telling you Sam, that's a mechanic you can trust!"

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, I thought he was going to charge me a lot of money for a lot of made up repairs, but he didn't. He only charged me for changing the light blinker fluid."
——
Like A Nicotine Patch

“Evil influence is like a nicotine patch, you cannot help but absorb what sticks to you.”

― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance.

I really shouldn't be a paramedic.
——
Definition of an optimist: A pessimist with no experience.
——
I remember when girls used to want to cook like their mothers. Now they want to drink like their fathers!
——
Last night, I spent 5,000 bucks on a reincarnation seminar...

I figured, "What the heck, you only live once!"
——
A man has a curse, he is only able to say a single word every year. But if he doesn't say a word that year he can say two the next year, then three, and so on.

One day he meets a beautiful woman and wants to ask her to marry him, but he has no words saved up so he must wait four years.

So he waits four years and he is finally able to ask her the question. He looks her in the eyes and says "Will you marry me?"

She looks back at him with a smile and twinkle in her eye and replies "Come again?"

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

At the end of the physics lecture, a student asked his professor, "What happened before the Big Bang?" The professor replied, "Sorry, no time."
——
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: you never have to do it by hand again!
——
Wife: "I'm pregnant...."

Dad: "Hi pregnant, I’m dad!"

Wife: "No, no you’re not."
——
One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks, "Does your dog bite?"

The old man replies, "No, never."

When the man bends down to pet the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says, 'I thought you said your dog did not bite!"

"I did," replies the old man, "but this isn't my dog!"
——
Saving the Earth

“Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.”

― P.J. O’Rourke, All the Trouble in the World
——
Where’s the bin? Dad: I haven’t been anywhere!

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Can you go pick up my boat? It’s at the dock.”

Oh no! Is it sick? You should give it some vitamin sea.
——
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender says: “Hey, did you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?”

“Aye, sir that it be, “says the pirate, “it’s driving me nuts!”
——
Two clowns were eating a cannibal. One said to the other, "I think we're in the wrong joke!"
——
Little Johnny got in trouble for cussing in school, so his teacher paid a home visit. As she arrived, she saw Little Johnny screwing a goat. When his father answered the door, she cried, "Your son is a disgrace! He curses in school and now he's being carnal with a goat." His father replied, "That sonofabitch. Today's my day with the goat!"

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

A customer goes to the bank to make a deposit.

Teller: "Sorry sir. This $100 bill is a fake one. We cannot accept it."

Customer: "What's the big deal? I'm depositing it into my account, right?"
——
Two friends met after not seeing each other for a couple of months.

Bill: "Jack, you look like you not doing well?"

Jack (swiping the sweat off his brow): "I ain't been ill. It's the work doing me in. Working from seven in the morning till six at night. Only one hour for a break. Think of it. Very taxing on ones body."

Bill: "Wow, and how long has this been going on? How long you been working for that company?"

Jack: "Oh, I haven't been there yet. I begin tomorrow," he added gloomily.
——
Love and Chocolate

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”

- Charles M. Schulz
——
If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

"Grandpa, I'm proud of you," said the young lady. "What's to be proud?" he asked. "I noticed that when you sneeze, you put your hand in front of your mouth." Grandpa replied, "Of course. How else can I catch my teeth when they fly out!?"
——
Now, cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws are not. That must be frustrating.
——
I'm kind of tired of being an amateur crastinater...

I'm thinking of turning pro, but I'm going to put that decision off for awhile.
——
Two nuns were driving alone out in a rural area. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline.

"I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot." The nuns agreed that this would be fine.

They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."
——
In Your Cheerios

“Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?”

― Becca Fitzpatrick, Crescendo

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

My pet mouse ‘Elvis’ died last night. He was caught in a trap..
——
How can "take out" mean food, dating, ...or murder!?
——
Girls, pregnancy is a great way to keep a boyfriend and get lots of attention, but it’s also a responsibility. Here are some handy tips to get you through those nine months. Plan ahead; you don’t want your expectancy date to coincide with prom or homecoming. Drink lots of water so you flush the alcohol and drugs from your system before it reaches the baby. Be prepared; purchase the latest styles of fashionable athletic shoes for your baby ahead of time. Make sure your teachers know you are pregnant so they'll have reduced expectations for you. Take care of little details, like getting your driver’s license so you can drive yourself to the hospital when you go into labor. If anyone expresses disapproval that you're having a baby at such an early age, get “in their face” with lots of sassy “attitude” like “Ain't nobody gonna tell me how to raise my baby!” Remember to eat every three or four hours when pregnant, even though you’d rather spend your money on clothes than candy and chips. Smoking while pregnant results in lower birth weights, making it smaller and easier to pass through the birth canal. Think up the coolest baby name ever, like Viripulus, Equinox, or Shaniatwaine!
——
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: "Close Enough."
——
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
——
I'd Love To Stand Here

“I’d love to stand here and talk with you… but I’m not going to.”

— Phil Connors (Groundhog Day)

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
——
You matter. Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then, you energy!
——
Lies Men Tell Women: "I'll call you." "I love you." "You're the only one." "I've never felt this way about anyone else." "I've got to work late at the office tonight." "That's the best sex I've ever had." "You've got the most beautiful eyes." "No, I'm not married." "Sorry, I left my wallet and credit cards at home." "You have to believe me: nothing's wrong." "I'm ready to make a commitment." "Except for a beer or two, I never drink." "My wife and I haven't had sex in years." "We'll get married as soon as..." "I'll be home in twenty minutes." "I care, I just need to spend more time with my kids." "I've only slept with maybe ten women in my entire life." "I've been celibate since we broke up." "I would never lie to you." "Sure, I can last all night!"
——
I threw a ball for my dog...

It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a Tuxedo.
——
Me: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8 yr old nephew: "To get to the idiot's house."

Me: "Oh... uh... yeah, good one, haha."

8 yr old nephew: "Wanna hear another one? Knock knock..."

Me: "Who's there?"

8 yr old nephew: "The chicken."
——
Success Is Not Final

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”

― Winston S. Churchill
——
People who don’t eat gluten are really going against the grain.

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

My boss made me go into the office on Labor Day. Halfway through the afternoon, he checked up on me and caught me drinking a beer. He said, "You can't drink while you're working!" I replied, "Oh, don't worry. I'm not working."
——
"Hey, honey! Ya gotta minute?" "Sure. Why?" "I mixed up my vitamins and my Viagra again!"
——
How do hens stay fit? They always egg-cercise!
——
A hunter lost his bearings and wandered around the forest in a daze. Suddenly, he spotted another man. Dropping his rifle, he threw his arms around the other's neck and screamed, "Boy am I glad to see you! I've been lost in these woods for three days!"

"Restrain yourself," cautioned the other sadly, "I've been lost here for a week."
——
An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady.

He asked a nearby trainer, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby.
——
If You're Too Open Minded

“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”

― Lawrence Ferlinghetti

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it’s indivisible.
——
My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach.

It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.
——
Little Johnny's father took him on a fishing trip to Canada.

On returning home after catching only three fish his father says, "The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!"

Little Johnny replied, "Well, at that price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of them than we did."
——
I Don't Hate You

“I don't hate you... I just don't like that you exist.”

― Gena Showalter, Seduce the Darkness
——
Where does astronauts hangout after work? At the spacebar.

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

My horse now only comes out of her stable after dark. She's become a night mare!
——
Why do men have two heads and women four lips? Because men do all the thinking and women do all the talking!
——
Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters the same names?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.
——
Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."
——
Be A Rainbow

“Try to be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud.”

— Maya Angelou

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system...

"If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining... Towels are located in aisle five."
——
The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted. “What happened, Honey?” asked his wife.

“It’s a great new idea I have,” he gasped. “I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved $1.50 cents.”

“That wasn’t too smart,” replied his wife. “Why didn’t you run behind a taxi and save ten dollars?”
——
"Billy got fresh with me last night, so I slapped his face. But as soon as I did, I was sorry." "Why? Because you really like him?" "No. Because he was chewing tobacco!"

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks…… “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
——
I wish I was 18 again. I have new ideas about how to ruin my life differently.
——
How did the Alabama sheriff describe the Black man who was shot fifteen times? "Worst case of suicide I've ever seen!"
——
My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.

"Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."
——
Judge to the thief: “Since there is no witness to your stealing, I am releasing you. Otherwise you would have got at least 6 months.”

Thief: "Your honor, kindly punish me for at least a week in jail. I have to collect money from a few inmates who borrowed money from me last time."
——
Look Closely

"If you really look closely, most overnight successes took a long time."

- Steve Jobs

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

What do you call a duck that gets all A’s? A wise quacker.
——
A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew.

A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew. He goes to the Captain's quarters and meets the Pirate Captain. He's a grizzled man with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch.

Swabbie: Ahoy Captain, it's looks like you've had quite the history.

Cpt: Aye, I've been sailing these seven seas since before ye were born.

Swabbie: May I ask how you lost your leg, Captain?

Cpt: Ah, was in the middle of a battle, we took a broadside and a cannon ball ripped me leg clean off, so I got this peg leg.

Swabbie: And may I ask how you lost your hand, Captain?

Cpt: Ah, I boarded a galleon and was sword fighting the buccaneers, and the bastards lopped me hand clean off, so I replaced it with this hook.

Swabbie: And may I ask how you lost your eye, Captain?

Cpt: Ah, a seagull pooped in me eye.

Swabbie: You were blinded by a seagull pooping in your eye?

Cpt: No, but twas me first day with the hook.
——
I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
——
What's the difference between a gynecologist and a choir director? The gynecologist sucks his fingers...

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.

"Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a 'K' in the front?"

After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"
——
At the bar, Tom and Bill were talking. “My uncle tried to make a new kind of car. He took the wheels from a Cadillac, the radiator from a Lexus, and tires from a Ford," said Tom.

“What did he get?" asked Bill.

“Two years,” said Tom.
——
The Harder I Work

"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have."

- Thomas Jefferson
——
My mind is like my internet browser: 19 open tabs, 3 of them frozen, and no clue where the music is coming from!

——
My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed her clothes and left!

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."

"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."

"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."
——
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEO's board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilot less technology: It is an un-crewed aircraft.

Each one of the CEO's is then told, privately, that their company's software is Aircraft's automatic pilot system. Nineteen of the CEO's promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.

One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming very calm indeed, asked why he is so confident in this first un-crewed flight, he replies "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off."

This is Confidence!
——
Playing With Fire

“Man may have discovered fire, but women discovered how to play with it.”

― Candace Bushnell, Sex and the City
——
Why do women prefer Dial soap? Because backwards, it spells happiness.
——
"Honey, do you have plans for Easter?" He replied, "Yep. Same as Jesus." "What does that mean?" "I'm gonna disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!" He wife responded, "You do, and I'll do a Mary: show up pregnant and untouched by my husband!" He stayed home.

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

“Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.

"Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.

"Really?" he asked.

"No," I said.
——
A girl was walking on the side walk. She sees a man lying on the street, needing immediate help. The victim says that he is having a heart attack. The girl asks people around the street. And a man approached.

Girl: Help, are you a doctor?

Man: I am a doctor. What’s going on?

Girl: A Heart Attack!

Man: I am doctor in mathematics.

Girl: He is going to die.

Man: Prove it!
——
It hard to believe, but I used to have a phone attached to a wall and I would answer it without knowing who was calling!
——
Bubba, newly returned from an African safari, told his friend Pedro of his adventures. "I was out in the jungle, when I heard a noise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops and smiling. The lion started towards me, I started running. When the lion was about to catch me, he slipped, and I got a bit ahead. The lion gained on me, he got as close as we are, but again, he slipped. I saw a house, ran inside, and closed the door in the lion's face." Pedro said, "Wow! That's quite a story. If that had been me, I would have shit my pants." Bubba said, "What do you think the lion kept slipping on?!"

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

I never actually lose weight anymore.

Apparently, I just loan it out and it comes back with interest.

And lately, I have been getting great rates of return!
——
Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren, all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''War'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.

His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as one of the boys pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!"

Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Shhh, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''
——
For Every Minute of Anger

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson
——
I used to work for an origami company but they folded.
——
A farmer's horse was ill, so he called the veterinarian. The vet said, "Your horse has a virus. Give him this medicine for three days. If he's not better by then, we'll have to put him down." The horse's friend, the pig, overheard this and encouraged the horse to "be strong, my friend. Get up and walk." Nothing. The next day, the horse was still down. The pig told him, "Come on, buddy. Get up or you're gonna die." The horse couldn't. On the third day, the pig told the horse, "Look, pal, it's now or never! Come on. get up. Have courage! Come on! That's it. Slowly! Great! Now walk. That's it! Now, faster. Come on. Run. Run more! Yes! You did it!" The farmer saw the horse running and shouted, "It's a miracle! My horse is cured! Let's have a party. I'll slaughter the pig!"
——
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back in the kitchen!

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday…the rest are weekdays.
——
Just once, I want to enter my username and password and get the message, "Close enough."
——
Why do women have two sets of lips? So they can piss and moan at the same time!
——
As I watched my dog chasing his tail, I thought how easily dogs are amused...

Then, I thought how easily amused I am watching my dog chase his tail.
——
The teacher heard Little Johnny use some serious language and was shocked. “Little Johnny, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not ever. Where on earth did you learn that?”

“I got it from my dad, Miss,” replies Johnny.

“Well, your daddy should be ashamed. I hope you don’t know what all that even means?”

“Oh but I do,” says Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

What happens when you anger a brain surgeon? They will give you a piece of your mind.
——
Definition of a "cool surgeon:" the hip replacement doctor.
——
You may be getting old if your dreams are dry but your farts are wet!
——
Kid: Why is some of your hair white dad?

Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

Kid: Now I understand why grandpa’s hair is all white!
——
After serving for several years in the House of Representatives, Charlie decided to run for a seat in the Senate.

A fellow congressman asked Charlie why he was making this change.

Charlie explained: "My wife wanted me out of the house."

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter Chewbacca not so much.
——
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun. I said to keep warm.

She asked, "How warm is it inside?"

I said, "Lukewarm."
——
To the person who stole my anti-depressant pills: I hope you’re happy now.
——
Here’s some advice... At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent!

Unless the job is a statistician!
——
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.

Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”. The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, “WHOA, a talking muffin!”
——
My son figured out how to make our cat go woof: enough charcoal lighter fluid and a lit match!
——
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, yet one swat with a newspaper and it would die.

Shows how toxic the media is.
——
Pulling into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center, I rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"
——
Stupidity Is the Answer

“If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”

- Will Rogers

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom!
——
Before opening the refrigerator door, I always knock... just in case there's a salad dressing.
——
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana.
——
Standing on the sidelines, during a game being played by my school’s football team, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn’t move.

We grabbed our first-aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach picked up the young man’s hand and urged, "Son, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."
——
Baloney \ba-lo’-ne\: Where some hemlines fall.

Banquet \bang’-kwit\: Why the vocalist had no instrumentalists.

Bernadette \burn’-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.

Boomerang \boo’-me-rang\: What’s on top of the Ghost Cream Pie.
——

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.
——
"Daddy, how soon will I be old enough to do whatever I want?" "I don't know, son. No one has lived that long yet!"
——
How many parrots can you fit down a man's pants? It depends on the length of the perch!
——
My doctor told me that I have a condition known as narco-somnia, which has symptoms of both narcolepsy and insomnia.

That's probably why I always sleep with one eye open.
——
A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning. First, he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour.

To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked, "Why don’t you just throw out the pest?"

“Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a grin, "we don’t even have an air conditioner.”
——
While Making Plans

“Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.”

― Allen Saunders

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
——
Fun fact: Alcohol increases the size of the "Send" button by 89%!
——
Things You Can Say About Your Vacation But Not Your Girlfriend: "Wow. Next time, I'll bring all my friends." "I'm into this time-share thing." "I can't wait to go down under." "I'm glad I paid for extra legroom." "Sometimes it's nice to go somewhere and not use your native tongue." "I know we are not flying Virgin."
——
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!
——

Josh was helping Sally, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.

Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"

Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

You can’t trust a ladder. It will always let you down.

——

My wife is mad at me because she found some hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her. She swears we'll never play Scrabble again!

——

Wife: "I'm pregnant." Husband: "Hi, Pregnant. I'm Dad." Wife: "Actually, no, you're not."

——

What do you call corn that joins the army? Kernel.

—

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

John, an avant-garde painter got married.

Someone asked the bride a few weeks after the wedding, "How's married life, Helen?"

"It's great," she answered. "John paints and I cook; then we try to guess what he painted and what I cooked."
——
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."

He questioned her as to why and she told him, "I just found out that I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."

He pondered for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch with his wife. She said, "And just where do you think you are going?"

He replied, "I'm going too."

"Why?" she asked.

He said, "I want to see how you're going to live on $800 a year."
——
I was in an 80’s band called the prevention. We were better than the cure.
——
It was different when we were kids.

In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts...

To make ashtrays for Mother's Day.
——
Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to being brought breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

Finally, the children called her to come downstairs. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."
—

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

After completing his annual physical on a patient, the doctor asked if there was anything that was bothering him. Joe replied, "Yeah, my hearing."

The doctor examined Joe's ear and removed some ear wax. He then asked Joe if his hearing was better.

Joe said, "I don't know, the hearing isn't till next Tuesday."
——
Signs of too much 21st century

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail your colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch.

5. You chat online regularly with a stranger from the U.S., but you haven't spoken to your next-door-neighbor yet this year.

6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have an e-mail address.

7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

8. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail rather than in person.

9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

10. When you make phone calls from home you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
——
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? Let’s go ride bikes!

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

An elderly French woman ran a small shop in her village for years until the day a giant corporate supermarket set up right across the road from her. They put up huge signs advertising their prices, including one that read, "Butter - 10 francs." The lady shopkeeper then put a sign in her own window: "Butter - 9 francs." Soon, the supermarket advertised, "Butter - 8 francs." The next day, the lady's sign read: "7 francs." This went on for days until eventually one of her customers pointed to the sign and said, "Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for so long! That big company can use its superior buying power to sell loss leaders, while a small shop like you cannot." In response, the old shopkeeper bent forward and muttered conspiratorially, "Monsieur, we don't even stock butter!"
—-
I asked my wife to tell me the next time she has an orgasm. She said that she hates to phone me at work!
——
A very small boy was trying to lead a big St. Bernard up the road.

"Where are you taking that dog, little man?" asked a man watching the struggle.

"I"m going to see where he wants to go," was the breathless reply.
——
One good turn...

Usually gets most of the blanket.
——
There's Nothing to Writing

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

― Ernest Hemingway

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Why did the feline fail the lie detector test? Because he be lion.
——
"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer. "You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster." "NO!" said the horse. "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'!"
——
Bob was a sports nut; he spent his time on sports sites or watching sports on TV. One night, as he lay in bed with his wife watching football, she walked over and unplugged the set. Bob shouted, "What are you doing!?" She said, "I'm sick of sports. I'm sick of TV. You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!" "Okay," said Bob, then asked, "So, how often do you think Travis Kelce gets laid?"
——
I am overjoyed! Soon I will be able to payoff all my loans and at last be debt free.

I'm on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will finally have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once.

I am so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on!"
——
My wife was shopping and sent me a picture of her in a dress she was thinking of buying and asked me, “Does this dress make me look big?”

I answered back, "Noooo..."

Autocorrect changed my answer, to “Moooo...”

Please send help!

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Where do cats write notes? Scratch Paper!
——
You May Be Old If... You go an entire day without taking one picture with your phone. You increase your font size to "Billboard." You get carpal tunnel syndrome scrolling down to your birth year. You look down and decide your t-shirt needs ironing and then realize: you're naked. You wake up with a hangover when you didn't even drink last night. Childhood punishments like naps, being grounded, and not allowed to go to parties, are now your preferences. You hear elevator music and remember when that song came out. You refer to your knees as "good" and "bad." Your doctor now tells you slow down instead of the police!
——
"Oh, Daddy! You're home. How was your business trip?" "Long." "Daddy, our new next-door neighbor is so nice. You know how I have trouble with the window fogging up when I shower? He brought over some stuff and put in on my window and shower door. And, at no charge. Daddy? Daddy! Where are you going?"
——
Why did the ballplayer bring a rope to the game?

He wanted to tie the score.
——
"Oh, I'm so happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his dad's side. "Now maybe mom will do the trick she has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.

"I heard her tell daddy," the little boy answered, "that she would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

What do you call a group of disorganized cats? A cat-tastrophe.
——
The airline reservations clerk was describing the rules for a deep-discount airfare. "This fare doesn't allow any checked baggage." The caller replied, "Oh, that's okay. My luggage is striped!"
——
Once I had an infection, so I went to my urologist. The doctor said, "Here. Piss in this cup." I looked around. "What, right here?" "Yeah, don't worry. I've seen more dick than Liberace!"
——
While giving a physical the doctor noticed that his patient’s shins were covered with dark bruises.

“Tell me,” said the doctor, “do you play hockey or soccer?”

“Neither,” said the man. “My wife and I play bridge.”
——
When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds.

“Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide as she made a notation on my chart.

A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.

“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to... 14 pounds???”

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

What do you call a snake who builds houses? A boa constructor!
——
Husband: "My shaving brush is very stiff now. I wonder what is wrong with it?"

Wife: "I don't know. It was nice and soft when I painted the bird cage yesterday."
——
A young bride tells her friend, “Paul keeps telling everyone he’s going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world.”

The friend replies, “What a shame, and after all the time you’ve been engaged too.”
——
What’s the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher? They can’t control their pupils.

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

"I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller." "I thought they hired a new teller just last week." "Right. That's the one they're looking for!"
——
If My Body Was A Car: This is when I'd think about trading it in for a newer model. My finish has scratches and dents and is getting dull. I burn fuel inefficiently. My headlights are out of focus and hard to see things. I slide and skid in even the best weather. My whitewalls have varicose veins. It takes forever to reach maximum speed. When I cough, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
——
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.

His friend asks, “Didn’t your company just hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”

The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
——
Recently, my husband put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper.

A few days later, he did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned, reaching for the phone.

"Why not tell her it was me this time?" I suggested.

"Maybe I will," he said while dialing. "It worked the last time."
——
Never Hated A Man Enough

“I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.”

― Zsa Zsa Gabor

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Why do nurses carry around red crayons? Sometimes they need to draw blood.
——
If Tarzan and Jane had been Polish, what would Cheeta have been? A gifted child. If Tarzan and Jane had been Jewish, what would Cheeta have been? A fur coat. If Tarzan and Jane had been Italian, what would Cheeta have been? The other woman!
——
There was a young bishop from Trieste,
Who openly practiced incest.
"My sisters and nieces,
Are all dandy pieces,
And don't cost a cent," he confessed.
——
Why did the piece of cheese go to the gym?

To get shredded!
——
Little Johnny was spending a week on his Uncle Pete's farm and was helping with the chores. One day he was helping the farm hands to spread out a stack of hay to dry out.

Finally Little Johnny could contain his curiosity no longer so he asked, as he was wiping his brow, "Uncle Pete, is it a needle in a haystack we're looking for?"
——
Why was the strawberry sad? Its parents were in a jam.

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

I named my horse "Mayo." Sometimes, Mayo neighs.
——
How did the dwarf declare he was gay? He came out of the cupboard.
——
I went out for a run this morning, but I came back after a couple of minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I can't run for more than a couple of minutes.
——
The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat."

Meyer did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Moshe, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook. Finally Moshe said, "You, dope, stop watching our overcoats."

"I'm only watching mine," replied Meyer. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."
——
Thine Face

“Thine face is not worth sunburning.”

― William Shakespeare, Henry V

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony, but eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is always zero.
——
The third-grade teacher was explaining the difference between singular and plural. She asked, "What is it if one woman looks out a window?" Little Suzi replied, "Singular." "Very good, Suzi. Now what is it if five women look out a window?" Little Johnny cried out, "A brothel!"
——
Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper… They’re always plotting something.
——
I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins...

I call it 'Baptismal Font.'
——
A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."
——
Show Me A Woman

“Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.”

― Erica Jong
——

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Did you know Albert Einstein was a real person? All this time, I thought he was just a theoretical physicist!

——

Once upon a time, I met a genie. He gave me one wish. I said, "I wish I could be you." The genue saud, "Weurd wush, but U wull grant ut."

——

Yesterday I swallowed two pieces of string. This morning they came out tied together. Yes, I shit you knot!

——

A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband.

"Do I look fat in this dress?" the wife asks.

"Do I look dumb in this shirt?" the husband replies.

——

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

—

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

*Reversing the car* “Ah, this takes me back”
——
Applicant: Shows up 45 minutes late for interview to be a cable installer.

Interviewer: “You’re hired.”
——
Therapist: "I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?"

Me: "Can't say I do."

Therapist: "That's one of them!"
——
What is bread’s favorite number? Leaven.
—

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

I had an office so small...

That when I put the key in the door, I broke a window.
——
Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my wife I'd have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.

Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice. I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room.

"You won't believe this," she said, "but there's a guy on the radio with the same problem!"
——
All the Days of Your Life

“May you live all the days of your life.”

– Jonathan Swift
——
Did you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

A woman was in labor with their first child. Suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't. Couldn't. Wouldn't. Didn't. Can't." Her husband cried, "Doc! What's wrong with my wife?" The doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions!"
——
What did the pedophile say when he was paroled? "Wow, I feel like a kid again!"
——
Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
——
George Clooney, Matt Damon, and Matthew McConaughey decided to make a film together. Clooney said, "I'll direct." Damon said, "I'll act." McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"
——
Billy Bob and Susie Jane were fooling around out in the cornfield. Billy Bob said, "Susie Jane, I'm so horny. You gotta let me have some." Susie Jane said, "I'm horny, too, so maybe I will, or maybe I won't, but iff'n I do, it's gonna cost you fifty cents." Billy Bob dug down in his pockets. "Susie Jane, I only got a quarter. Let's do it for a quarter." "Ain't no way I am gonna do it for no quarter. I want a half dollar." "Tell you what, Susie Jane. How about you just give me a quarter's worth?" Susie Jane said, "Do I look dumb? I know you ain' gonna stop." Billy Bob said, "I promise I'll stop whenever you say." So they got down between the rows of corn and started going at it. After a minute or so, Susie Jane moaned, "Billy Bob. Oh, Billy Bob!" "Oh, Susie Jane, my quarter cain't be up already." "Billy Bob, you see that big cornstalk over there on your left?" "Uh, huh." "And you see that big cornstalk on your right?" "Uh, huh." "You grab a'holt of them cornstalks, Billy Bob, cause I'm a'fixin' to loan you a quarter!"

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

An office employee knowing his boss was off for the day transferred the office telephone to his own cell phone and took it with him to play golf.

The boss called and asked how everything was going and the employee said fine.

The boss then said, "Move a little faster then, will you, I'm in the foursome behind you."
——
Shortly after my grandmother passed away, I took my daughter to her grave site, which was located beside a row of pine trees.

“How nice,” I said. “Grandma has a great spot here in the shade.”

My daughter replied, “Mom, aren't they all in the shade?”
——
We Don't Know Them All

"We don't know them all, but we owe them all."

– Unknown
——
If I could name myself after any Egyptian god, I’d be Set.

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

How does a dentist pay his lawyer? He gives him a retainer.
——
Dennis was enjoying his beer at the bar when a patron at the other end of the bar yelled to the bartender, "Hey, jackass! Gimme a beer!" The bartender dutifully took him a beer. A while later, the same guy yelled, "Hey, jackass! Gimme a shot of whiskey!" The bartender took him a shot. Dennis softly said to the bartender, "Man, that guy's an asshole. Why do you even serve him?" The bartender replied, "Oh, hee-haw! Hee-haw! He always calls me that."
——
I saw a contractor's truck that offered free quotes.

So I asked for one.

He said, "To be or not to be, that is the question."
——
A local laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn't swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it.

"Is it true?" the newcomer asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"

"No I can't," the captain replied. "Can pilots fly?"
——

The Hardest Kind of Teacher

"Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first and the lesson afterward."

- Oscar Wilde
——
Why did the house go to the doctor? It was having window panes.

—
To subscribe to Sailors Clean Humor send blank email to sailors-clean-...@googlegroups.com

—.

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor!
——
Two Canadians died and went to Hell. The devil found them talking and laughing. Confused, he said, "You're in Hell. Why are you happy?" They said, "We were so cold where we came from. We're sick of cold and this place is nice and toasty." The devil was annoyed, stormed away and turned up the temperature. As he returned to the Canadians' room, all sorts of souls along the way begged him to turn the heat down. But when he found the Canadians, they were having a barbeque. "What are you doing?" he yelled. "We can't pass up this wonderful weather without celebrating!" The devil realized he'd made a mistake so he turned down the heat until was as cold as possible. Certain he had now won, he found the Canadians' room and they were celebrating even more. He shouted, "Now, why are you happy?" They said, "Hell is frozen over! That means the Leafs won!"
——
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

She'll be happy to know I got the hint.

I got her a magazine rack!
——
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
——
Stronger Than Gratitude

"Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude."

- Anne Frank

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

I wanted to be a tailor but I didn’t suit the job
——
As I drove our family away from Disneyland, my granddaughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie!" My grandson waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey!" I waved and said, "Goodbye, money!"
——
Prizes were being drawn in the raffle at the local Jewish Community Center. "4th prize, which goes to Hymie Goldfarb, is a Rolls Royce." Much applause. Hymie collected his keys. "3rd prize, which goes to Frank Myers, is a Rolls Royce and a check for $10,000." More applause. Frank collected his keys and check. "2nd prize, which goes to Abe Epstein, is this fruit cake." Total silence. Abe yelled, "What do you mean, a fruit cake? 4th prize was a Rolls, 3rd prize was a Rolls and a check, so how can 2nd be a damned fruit cake?" The presenter responded, "But, Abe: this fruit cake is special. It was made by the Rabbi's wife." "Fuck the Rabbi's wife!" yelled Abe. The presenter replied, "Sorry, that's the first prize!"
——
A magician comes up to our table and does a card trick.

Impressed, I asked him how he did it.

He says "I can tell you, but I'd then have to kidnap you and take you away."

I said, "Can you tell my mother-in-law?"
——
Junior: Mother, I can’t find my baseball mitt.

Mother: Did you look in the car?

Junior: Where in the car?

Mother: Try the glove compartment
——
A Book About Failures

“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

― Jerry Seinfeld

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?

Because the rest of the days are weekdays.

——

I made a playlist for hiking. it has music from The Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

——

Doctor: "I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. We have to operate on you again."

Patient: "Are you kidding me?!?! Tell you what Doc, take this $10 bill and buy a new pair!"

——

The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible.”

The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God.”

“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”

“Every night at dinner time, she places a burnt offering before me.”

——

Nothing Is Funnier

“Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.”

― Samuel Beckett, Endgame

—

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

"What happened? Your nose looks swollen." "I got stung by a brose." "There's no B in rose." "There was in this one!"
——

A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese”. That doesn’t look quite right, so he tries two mongoose, and then two mongooses.

Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”
——
"Dad, I am hungry."

"Hi Hungry, I'm Dad."

"Dad, I'm serious."

"I thought you were Hungry?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"Nope, I'm Dad."
——
We've All Got Weaknesses

“We’ve all got weaknesses. Me, for instance. I’m tragically funny and good-looking.”

― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena
—

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

I live each day as if it's my last, which is why I never have any clean laundry. Why wash clothes on the last day of your life?
——
Being a bus driver is a great job: I pick up women, they give me money, and eventually everyone gets off!
——
Little Johnny, on recess, was carrying a car door while playing outside with his buddies on a very hot day.

His teacher called him over to ask, "Why?"

Little Johnny replied, "If I get too hot, I can roll down the car window!"
——
I’ve started growing herbs in my garden.

To help identify them I’m growing them in alphabetical order.

My neighbour asked me, “How do you find the time?”

I said, “Easy, it’s right here next to the sage.”
——

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….
You Know Someone Is From Hawaii If...

They have a slipper tan.

Their only suit is a bathing suit.

They drive barefoot.

They have at least five Hawaiian bracelets.

They never ever, under any circumstances, wear socks with slippers, or an aloha shirt that matches their wife's muumuu.
——
IWillie loved the horses. Every penny he earned went to the track. But when his wife got sick and was rushed to the hospital, Willie went to a friend, explained his emergency, and asked for a loan. "Please, Bob, you gotta help me. I need cash for her medical bills!" Bob answered, "I'm not giving you money, Willie! You'd just spend it at the track!" Willie huffed, "Don't be silly, Bob. I've got gambling money!"
——
Teacher: "Johnny, if you have $20 in one pant pocket, and $35 in the other pant pocket, what do you have?"

Johnny: "That's easy, I have someone else's pants!"
——
At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't realize it... you don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
——
You Miss Them All

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

- Wayne Gretzky, NHL Hockey Legend

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Did you know?

That there are 50 candidates/choices for Miss America. Did you also know there are only two choices for president? Go figure!
——
When I was in college, I worked at a cheap pizza shop. I was young -- and I kneaded the dough.
——
How is Bill Cosby like Sigmund Freud? They both explored the unconscious.
——
During a terrible snowstorm a St. Bernard was sent out with his usual keg of brandy to find a lost hiker.

Two hours later, the dog came back to the rescue center with his little barrel empty and a note tucked under his collar.

Curious, the chief took the note, revealing it to say, "Enjoyed the brandy. Next time, please send a double!"
——
Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
——
Either Way, You're Right

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right."

- Henry Ford

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

You Know Someone Is From Hawaii If...

They still call the Blaisedell Center the HIC and it's Sandy's, not Sandy Beach.

They say "I going go for lawnmower da grass" when they mean "I'm going to mow the lawn."
——
Why did the panda steal my socks?

Because he had bear feet!
——
A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

“Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked.

“He died and went to heaven,” she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said, “And God threw him back down?”
——
When One's Mind Is Made Up

"I have learned over the years that when one's mind is made up, this diminishes fear."

- Rosa Parks
——
Dentist: "I'm going to have to give you a crown." Patient: "Finally! Someone who understands me!"
——
Arriving home from the clinic, Will told his wife the doctor prescribed daily sex. "What? That's ridiculous!" she said. Will replied, "He sure did. Here: read this!" She read the diagnosis. "You idiot. You have dyslexia!"

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

You Know Someone Is From Hawaii If...

They can understand every word Bu Lai'a says and they know what his name means.

They have a sister, cousin, auntie, or mom named "Honey Girl" or.....

Someone in the family named Boy, Tita, Bruddah, Sonny, Bachan, Taitai, Popo, or Vovo.

They still chant "Hanaokolele" when a friend or co-worker goofs up.

They say "Shtraight," "Shtreet," and "Shtress."

They say "Da Kine" and the other person says "Da Kine" and they both know what is "Da Kine."

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
——
During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, "Does your dog have a license?"

"No," the man said, "he doesn't need one."

"Yes he does," answered the officer.

"But," said the driver, "I always do all the driving."
——
I Can Cast A Stone

"I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the water to create many ripples."

- Mother Teresa
——
Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?

New employee: Yes, sir.

Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
——
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa, caught off-guard, looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why not?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies, "Well Johnny, because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."
——
They're Not All Bad

“Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”

- Dave Barry
——

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

As Mr. Aging was browsing through an old newspaper, he read aloud to his wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do.

"It must be true," she said. "That's the second time you've read that article to me."
——
Salesperson: "This is your lucky day! We have a special offer: Buy one, get one free!"

Customer: "No thanks. I don't need two."

Salesperson: "Then give the free one to a friend!"

Customer: "I don't have any friends."

Salesperson: "Then make one with the free item!"
——
The Fears We Don't Face

"The fears we don't face become our limits."

- Robin Sharma
——
Two men came to the house to install the new kitchen floor. After they moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it didn't take long before the job was done. They started to leave without moving the appliances back. "Okay, but that's not in your contract. It'll cost you $50." I had no choice but to pay. But as soon as they were gone, the doorbell rang. It was the same two men. "Would you please move your car? It's blocking our van." "Sure, I'll move it. But it'll cost you $50."
——
What do blondes do with their asshole in the morning? Fix him lunch and send him to work!

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Cassie's small son fell into a pond and came home with his school clothes dripping wet. She sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes. But within minutes, Cassie heard a noise in their back yard. She yelled, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?" There was a moment of silence until a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
——
William bought a new car with the latest in A.I. technology. When he got home, his wife was tired and asked him to pick up the children from school. William said to the car, "Go to school and bring home my children." The car didn't return for quite a while. Finally, it showed up with an overload of children. The car pulled in the driveway and announced, "These are your children, sir." In the car was their landlady's daughter, the choir director's son, his wife's friend's daughter, the pastor's son, and their neighbor's son. William's wife angrily shouted, "Don't tell me that all these kids are yours!" William asked calmly, "First, explain why our children are not in the car?"
——
Jill: I can stay underwater for ten minutes!

Jack: That’s impossible!

Jill: (takes a glass of water and holds it over her head for ten minutes.) See, I told you!
——
Customer: "I’m looking for something cheap but high quality."

Salesperson: "You’re in luck! This pen writes just like a $100 pen."

Customer: "How much is it?"

Salesperson: "$99.99."
——
They Now Serve A Purpose

"Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame."

- Brene Brown
——

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

A well-worn dollar bill and a similarly-distressed hundred-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. They struck up a conversation. The hundred reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a good life," it proclaimed. "I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, Broadway shows, and even a Caribbean cruise." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've had an exciting life." "Sure have. Where have you been?" The single replied, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Presbyterian church, the Baptist Church." The hundred asked, "What's a church?"
——
Why Chocolate is Better than Sex: Chocolate satisfies you even when soft. You can enjoy it in front of your parents. Chocolate won't mind when you bite hard on its nuts. You can actually get chocolate. No one need say, "If you love me, you'll swallow" with chocolate. You can make chocolate last as long as you wish. You can have chocolate on top of your desk at work and no one cares. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate. With chocolate, you don't have to fake it. You can have chocolate at any time of the month. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. You are never too young or too old for chocolate. Chocolate can stay hard for a week, yet satisfies even when it has gone soft. You can safely have chocolate while driving. You won't learn later that your chocolate is on penicillin!
——
Two prison guards are changing shifts in the morning.

“You know that a prisoner ran off in the night?”

The other guard sighs, “Ah finally, no more of that dang hammering!”
——
Joe says to Bill, "Want to see a picture of my aunt?"

Bill said, "Sure."

So Joe takes out a picture.

Bill says, "What are you talking about? That's not your aunt! That's a picture of a fish!"

Joe says, "Well sure it is... it's my Aunt Chovy!"
——
A Subgenre of Sci-Fi

“I simply regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi, in which the world created therein has different rules than my regular human world.”

- Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

I approached the beautiful woman at the bar with my best line: "What do you and I have in common?" She replied, "They're both vowels. Bug off!"
——
What is a pedophile’s preferred shoe? White vans.
——
After serving for several years in the House of Representatives, Charlie decided to run for a seat in the Senate.

A fellow congressman asked Charlie why he was making this change.

Charlie explained: "My wife wanted me out of the house."
——
"You admit having broken into the dress shop two times?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, your Honor," he replied.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in twice!"

"Yes, your Honor," sighed the suspect. "I had to exchange it. My wife didn't like the color."
——
Down to Earth

“I’m very much down to earth, just not this earth.”

- Karl Lagerfeld

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

If you're not a part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
——
The proprietor welcomed Oliver to his small restaurant. "We don't have a menu. We'll serve you anything you request." "What, anything?" "Yes, anything at all." "In that case, I would like a bowl of camel's tail soup." "Very well. There will be a short wait." Oliver waited over an hour before a waiter brought a tureen of fragrant soup. He was thoroughly delighted and asked for the proprietor. "The soup was quite good, but was it really camel's tail soup?" The proprietor said, "It surely was. If you don't believe me, I can show you." He led Oliver out the back of the restaurant, into his car, and they drove far into the countryside, to an enormous farm with seemingly every kind of exotic plant, bird, and animal. They went to a compound which held a camel with a mere stump of a tail, bandaged and bloody. "That's where your soup came from," he announced. Oliver was flummoxed. "Remarkable, but surely there are requests you can't satisfy." "Well, yes, there was that one time when a customer asked for crocodile testicles on toast. And we were out of bread!"
——
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper when a guy comes over and asks, "Are you reading that?"

I didn’t know what to say. So I said, "Yes."

I then stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
——
In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor.

One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe non-linear waterfowl issue."

Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"

The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
——
You'll Never Be Happy

“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.”

- Albert Camus

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

The bank robbers tied and gagged the employees in one room and the manager in his office. On their way out they noticed the manager was making desperate noises to catch their attention.

Moved by curiosity, one of the burglars loosened the gag and heard the man’s plead, “Please take the books too, I’m $5000 short!”
——
Its Mike’s first day on the job as a bartender. As he serves a customer a Manhattan, a piece of parsley falls into the drink.

“What the hell is that?” the customer asks.

“It’s your Manhattan. And there’s Central Park.” he replied.
——
A Great Leader

"A leader takes people where they want to go. A great leader takes people where they don't necessarily want to go, but ought to be."

- Rosalynn Carter
——
A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up.

Her husband asked the reason.

She replied, "I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it's not recognizing me without makeup."
——
Back at my high school for the tenth reunion, I met my old coach. Walking through the gym, we came upon a plaque on which I was still listed as the record holder for the longest softball throw.

Noticing my surprise, the coach said, "That record will stand forever."

I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records exist to be broken, when he added, "We stopped holding that event years ago."
——
The Test of Morality

"The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children."

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

A vegan told me, "People who sell meat are disgusting." I told him, "People who sell vegetables are grocer!"
——
"Great, just what we need around here," she moaned when her husband brought home a new microwave oven. "One more thing that heats up quickly and goes off in thirty seconds!"
——
“Mom says that drinking a buffalo's milk makes us smarter."

"She's lying. If it did make one smarter, then the buffalo's calves would be scientists."
——
At a boat rental concession, the manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return. "Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime."

"Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99."

The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega-phone.

"Boat number 66!" he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?"
——
If At First You Don't Succeed

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

- W.C. Fields

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

What type of calendar does a jazz guitarist use for his gigs? The "Decade-At-A-Glance."
——
I dated this girl for two years, but then the nagging started: "What's your name?"
——
Why don't some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships just don't work out.
——
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!”

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”

Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”
——
If There's A Book

“If there's a book that you want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.”

- Toni Morrison

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

The doctor, examining his patient, asked, "Any coughing, wheezing, or shortness of cash?"
——
I remember the night I lost my innocence in the back seat of a car. It would have been more memorable if I hadn't been alone!
——
My wife told me I was incapable of multitasking.

So I got drunk and embarrassed her at the same time.
——
It was a very long and boring sermon.

As one parishioner left the church, he said: "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."

The pastor was thrilled: "Really? Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

When people are sad, I let them color-in my tattoos. Sometimes all they need is a shoulder to cray-on.

I just got a leaflet in the mail informing me that I can have sex at 79. I'm happy because I live at number 71 so it won't be far to walk home afterwards!
——
What is the definition of a bachelor?

A man who doesn't have to leave the party just as he's beginning to enjoy himself.
——
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course. How much was the roast?"

"$7.98," said the butcher.

A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read, Legal Consultation Service: $150.
——
Q: Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio?
A: The nearest ISOBAR

Q: What's worse than raining buckets?
A: Hailing taxis!

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

How can you tell if your wife is being unfaithful?

You move from Chicago to Seattle and you still have the same mailman.
——
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"
——
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
——
Short rain jokes

Q: How can you wrap a cloud?
A: with a rainbow.

Q: What does it do before it rains candy?
A: It sprinkles!

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

I live on a dead end street.

It is electrically deficient.

There are no outlets!
——
What does the 'N' in the Nebraska football helmet stand for?

Knowledge.
——
Short rain jokes

Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An Umbrella.
——
Never hit a man with glasses...

Use your fists instead.
——
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
——

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Short, rain jokes

Q: What did the evaporating raindrop say?
A: I'm going to pieces.

Q: What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
A: My plop is bigger than your plop.
——
A woman asked me to help her find the perfect husband. I asked, "Define your terms?" She replied, "The perfect husband wakes up every morning at 5:00 AM, does his own laundry, exercises an hour each day, spends little time on the web, spends more time in the library, is predictable, consistent, and reliable. I always know where he is. He cleans his own room, doesn't drink and goes to bed at 9:00 PM every night. Where can I find a man like that?" I told her, "Easy. In prison!"
——
What did the moose say after leaving the gay bar? "Man, I blew like 50 bucks in there!"
——
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

"BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"
——
“That’s a great place to work!” shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day of his first job.

“I get two weeks paid vacation.”

“I’m so glad,” said my mother.

“Yeah,” added John. “I can’t wait to find out where they send me.
——

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Two inmates were chatting in the prison food line. One told the other, "When I was governor, the food here was better!"
——
"I thought I was in love three times." "How so?" "Five years ago, I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me." "And that wasn't love?" "No, that was obsession. Two years ago, I deeply cared for a beautiful woman who didn't understand me." "So that was love?" "No, that was lust. And, just last month, I met a woman aboard a Caribbean cruise. She was smart, funny, and loved sex. Everywhere we went together on that boat, I got a strange sensation." "Was that love?" "No, that was seasickness!"
——
Woman: "Do you have a greeting card which reads 'You are my first and last love'?"

Store keeper: "Yes ma'am, we do."

Woman: "Perfect! Give me 10 such cards!"
——
A man and woman are on a blind date. After being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. He was relieved when his cell phone rang.

After answering, acting shocked and then hanging up the call, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim look and said, "I have bad news. My my house is on fire."

"Wonderful!" his date said. "If yours hadn't burned, mine would have had to."
——
Q: What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle?
A: A weekend.

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Q: What is the Mexican weather report?

A: Chili today and hot tamale.

——

What's the difference between being in prison and being a corporate employee?

In prison you get free health care.

——

I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $35 apiece. I needed to step away for a bit so I asked him to watch them for me.

"Sure," he said, "but just in case someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"

"Try for more, but I will accept $20 each," I said, and left.

When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.

"Twenty dollars each."

"Who bought them?"

"I did!"

——

Therapist: "I think you suffer from gamophobia: a fear of marriage. Do you know the symptoms?" Patient: "Can't say I do." Therapist: "Exactly!"

——

Little Johnny and his girl were walking through the woods when Suzi noticed some of the animals behaving oddly. "Little Johnny, why is that one rabbit on top of that other rabbit?" Little Johnny replied, "They're making cigarettes." "Cigarettes?" she mused, and they continued walking. Suzi noticed a couple of raccoons and asked, "Are they making cigarettes, too?" "Yep," said Little Johnny. Suzi replied, "Since all the animals are making cigarettes, why don't we make cigarettes?" Little Johnny quickly agreed. Later, as they left the woods, Suzi asked, "Little Johnny, what kind of cigarettes did we make?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "Well, if you get a hump in your belly, it's a Camel. But if you don't, it was a Lucky Strike!"

——

—

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Short rain jokes

Q: When is Monday coming?
A: MonSoon!

Q: What do you call a wet bear?
A: A drizzly bear
——
Little Suzi helped Mother set the table for company. After their guests arrived and were seated, Mother noticed something was missing. "Susan, you forgot to put a knife and fork at the minister's place." Little Suzi said, "I didn't think he needed them; Daddy says he eats like a pig!"
——
Bill and Ed were enjoying a round of golf when a sudden bolt of lightning killed them both. At heaven's gate, St. Peter asked their names and began perusing a long list. He finally looked up and said, "There's been a terrible mistake. Neither of you is due here for many years. I'll send you right back." Ed said, "Oh, no. Don't. Our families have already mourned our passing and that would upset them even more. Could we go back as different people?" St. Peter thought a moment and then said, "What do you have in mind?" Bill said, "We could return as two lesbians." "Why?" asked St. Peter. "Because then we could still eat pussy and play from the women's tees!"
——
Wife: Whatcha doing?

Me: Nothing.

Wife: You did that yesterday.

Me: I wasn't finished.
——
“You know, I think everyone should divide their worldly goods with the other fellow," said an office worker to another.

"That's a good idea. If you had two thousand dollars would you give me half?"

"Sure."

"And if you had two automobiles, would you give me one?"

"Sure."

"And if you had two shirts, would you give me one?"

"No."

"No? Why?"

"Because I have two shirts."
—

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

Joe Biden is so dumb...

(okay, all together now,) How dumb is he?

Joe Biden is so dumb that when he heard that banks have branches, he now thinks money grows on trees.
——
A man visiting relatives in rural Wyoming, got lost so he stopped to ask a local man for help. "Does this road go to Laramie?" "I dunno." "Is there someplace near here with cell reception so I can make a call?" "I dunno." "Well, how far is the nearest town?" "I dunno." Exasperated, he blurted, "You don't know much, do you?" "Nope. But then -- I ain't the one who's lost!"
——
Last week, God, the Pope and Moses met to discuss the MeToo movement. They decided that an 11th Commandment was needed. After some meditation and discussion, they came up with: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
——
Short, rain jokes….

Q: What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
A: An extra hour of rain.

Q: Where do lightning bolts go on dates?
A: To cloud 9

Q: What did the hail storm say to the roof?
A: Hang onto your shingles, this will be nno ordinary sprinkles.

[Gary Phelps]

To subscribe to Sailors Clean Humor send blank email to sailors-clean-...@googlegroups.com
—

Short rain jokes

Q: How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?
A: His sleigh is flown by raindeer.

Q: What is a queens favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Reign!

Q: Can Bees fly in the rain?
A: Not without their yellow jackets

Q: How do lightning bolts flirt?
A: They electrocute each other

Q: How do thunderstorms invest their money?
A: In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets

[Gary Phelps]

Clean jokes….

First Assistant: "So what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that everything fits?"

Person who invented the first public bathroom stall: "Ah, don't worry about that. Can't stress enough how unimportant that part is."
——
Susan and Martha meet at the market and exchange news.

Susan: "My husband was named 'Man of the Year'!"

Martha: "Well, that shows you what kind of a year it’s been."
——
Allow Your Dreams to Lead

“Allow your dreams to lead you rather than allowing your problems to push you.”

- Okorote Emmanuel, Don’t Take Care; Take The Chance!
——
The secret to making Government more efficient is to replace Politicians with horses. Sure, every vote would end in “neigh,” but hay, at least the housing market would be stable.
——
Jimmy Carter was visiting Israel on a goodwill tour in 1977 and was at the wailing wall in Western Jerusalem with the Israeli prime minister, Yitzhak Rabin. Rabin said to Mr. Carter, “Here Mr. president, you can speak directly to God. Anything you wish for will surely be granted. So Carter said, “I wish there could be no more hunger in the world. And I wish that the United States could be at peace with the Soviet Union.” And he rattled off a list of more wishes. Rabin said, “God has heard every word you have spoken Mr. President. Surely all of these wishes will be granted.”

President Carter then added, “And I wish for peace between Israel and the Palestinians so that they can finally have their own homeland”. Aghast, Rabin looked at Carter and said, “Mr. President. Do you realize that you are only speaking to a wall?”
——
An author wrote a novel and sent it off to a publisher. The publisher held on to the hard copy so long, that termites got into it.

In the final analysis, the book was rejected. The story line had too many holes in it.
——
Did you know that camel cigarettes are mentioned in the Bible?

Genesis 24:64 (KJV)

And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.
———

Honda cars are also in the Bible! They’re so quiet, they’re good for praying in.

Acts 1:14 (KJV)

These all continued with one accord in prayer and supplication, with the women, and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brethren.