Question about feeling left out for all of you stay at home moms

[Meredith Brehm]

Hi ladies!  First of all, I miss you all so much!  We've been in NJ for a month and I love it!!!

I have a question for you wise ladies, do you ever feel like your child is excited to see every person in the world except you?  Lila and I are together all of the time and lately, she wants my husband to read to her at night and put her to bed.  Which is fine, I'm glad that she wants to spend time with him, but she is often mean to me in the way that she expresses it.  My brother in law visited for the weekend and Lila ignored me all weekend and only wanted him to interact with her.  Do any of you ever feel like because you're always there, you're no longer exciting to your child??  I also feel like because I'm the one who disciplines all day, Lila and I really battle with each other...which makes her run to Dada even more when he comes home and then I want to withdrawal from the situation. It will be so healthy for Lila to start school in Sept...for both of us! Curious to hear your experiences!!

[Robin Sheldon]

Noa rejects me whenever anyone better is around… I am also the main discipliner for her and she does get a lot of scolding from me so I guess I don’t really blame her. We have an interesting/complicated relationship compared to me and Eitan (this could be a mother daughter vs mother son thing). Especially when grandma is here, I used to be rejected in the most obvious way most of the time, like she would cry when I would go near her or run away and run to grandma. This hurts so much I cried a lot about it. She’s also always been a daddy’s girl, ALWAYS prefers Ilan to me, but I guess this hasn’t bothered me as much because Eitan always prefers me, so at least we each get one lol

I hate to say it but what has made my relationship better with her when other people are around is just letting her be and only getting involved if I feel like the other person isn’t in control of the situation. So I end up being the bad guy and only getting involved to say no, but she also knows I’m available all the time too. I try not to give her the opportunity to reject me - I stay nearby, and when she comes to play or show affection I am there for her, but I don’t try to push myself on her when she is not up for it.

Of course this rejection thing has been going on for almost her entire life so it took a long time for me to come to this place… it still hurts, I still get upset, ask Allie every time my MIL comes to visit the flurry of text messages I am ranting at her LOL, but MOSTLY I am better about it now.

I guess long story short, yes, I think it’s because I’m always here and always the disciplinarian that I am not very exciting or fun for the most part. But when they get hurt or a toy breaks or they can’t find something, I am the one they go to to fix it. So … there is that….

Robin

[Tania Luna]

Well in our case Sofia ignores Brad sometimes. He would come home and ask for a kiss and a hug and she totally walks by him or comes back to me. And she can take a long time to go to him to give him a kiss.

All I can say is that I have noticed a lot of changes within the last few weeks. These kids are definitely showing their personalities so wouldn't take it personal, you've done so much for her, it may just be a phase....

 

Tania Zirulnik CM, CD(DONA), LCCE

tanj...@yahoo.com

917.974.0077

[Kori Krysh]

Sometimes Frankie gets sick of us, I think in our case a babysitter helps wonders. Also she gets to spend alone time with me and Rebecca quite interchangeably and I think that helps keeps things exciting for her. She likes it when Rebecca doesn't have to go to work on a Tuesday after she worked all weekend or if I have had a busy day and get home for 5 minutes before I have to go somewhere else she says "again?!" Hah! I think it's good for her to miss us, and for us to miss her. But honestly, the babysitter thing is great for ALL of us. It gives us some time alone, and gives Frankie a new playmate. We are all excited for the reunion at the end of the few hours of babysitter. And the bonus is we get a few hours without having to put Frankie's needs before ours! She asks us to have a babysitter come. We do it during the day mostly so that she gets awake time to play with someone else and we can do something productive or self care for ourselves. It's awesome. We have a few different sitters we rotate too, which I think makes things extra interesting and fun for her.

I also just think that it's probably best to ignore her when she's being mean, don't let her see that it effects you. I think it's probably an interesting thing to them that they can act a specific way and get a certain reaction from that person. I used to get upset when Frankie didn't kiss me goodnight, and now it's a thing everytime we go to bed. Even if she's all cuddly during story time, if Rebecca is home and puts her to bed, when it's time for bed she switches from being cuddly and lovey and then refuses to kiss me goodnight! I think me showing her that it upset me made it worse maybe. And I realize it doesn't really matter, I get kisses from her all day, if she doesn't want to kiss me goodnight, no big deal! (But it's still hard sometimes ;))

--

Kori Krysh, CD (CAPPA)

Birth Doula

www.korikrysh.com

718.673.0931

Tier 4, NYC Doula Collective

http://nycdoulacollective.com

[Kristina Gibb]

Hi Meredith!

We miss you, but glad to hear you are loving life in NJ. I agree that Lila is probably just having a mommy overdose lately, and just craves some variety. School will surely help with that, and she'll have a chance to miss you. What I tuned into more in your e-mail was your battles with one another. I know I sound like a spokesperson, but I really can't tout the book, How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen so your Kids Will Talk, enough! I just reread the chapter on encouraging autonomy again, since Julian is wanting to be so independent lately and do things himself. I think certain advice within the book has helped lessen the battles in our house, especially with my daughter. Mother-daughter relationships are tricky, and I can certainly identify. Keep us updated on your situation after school begins! Let us know if there are improvements. And, by the by, if anyone wants to read / talk about the aforementioned book with me, I welcome it!

Kristina

On Mon, Aug 17, 2015 at 9:28 PM, Meredith Brehm <mlb...@gmail.com> wrote:

Hi ladies!  First of all, I miss you all so much!  We've been in NJ for a month and I love it!!!

I have a question for you wise ladies, do you ever feel like your child is excited to see every person in the world except you?  Lila and I are together all of the time and lately, she wants my husband to read to her at night and put her to bed.  Which is fine, I'm glad that she wants to spend time with him, but she is often mean to me in the way that she expresses it.  My brother in law visited for the weekend and Lila ignored me all weekend and only wanted him to interact with her.  Do any of you ever feel like because you're always there, you're no longer exciting to your child??  I also feel like because I'm the one who disciplines all day, Lila and I really battle with each other...which makes her run to Dada even more when he comes home and then I want to withdrawal from the situation. It will be so healthy for Lila to start school in Sept...for both of us! Curious to hear your experiences!!

--

Kristina D'Amico
347-325-1990
www.kristinagibb.com

[Allie Rex]

Meredith, I'm sorry that is tough! My kids are also really into babysitters right now too. I've (for the most part) consolidated my work schedule to 3 days in a row and on the first day they hardly look up when I leave but by the 3rd day they care :) Their babysitter is like a fun new friend and I think she's got a lot more energy for their wild imaginations than I do and their relationship with her is really sweet. We also have a few occasional sitters who are really fun and they get super excited to see them! I bet in NJ you could get an awesome mothers helper to come hang with Lila, and give you guys a break from each other. School will help too!! My friend with older kids told me last winter that at 3, other people become much cooler than you to them and that totally turning out to be true around here! But honestly I think it's for the best for all of us!! 

[Jennifer Sliwowski]

Hi

Maybe I'm on the other side, but I get excited when other people are around and G wants to be with them and has no interest in me. Ha. This summer we have been together practically 24/7 and I welcome the break! It may be from my experience teaching, but when she is 'mean' to me I try not to take it personally. It's her way of showing autonomy and trying out to see just how much power she has and how social interactions work. If what's she's doing is unacceptable (ie hitting) I tell her that is no ok and walk away from her. If she can't treat my (or anyone's) body with respect, then she doesn't get to be near me. Since I spend so much time with her, she knows that I'm always there and that I'll love her unconditionally. One of those perks/downsides to getting to stay home with her is that she knows she can treat me like shit and I'll be there no matter what. I feel like at this stage they are acting in the extremes, moods, behaviors, treatment of people etc. They are trying to figure out their place in the world, social skills and just how things work.  We are the safe people that get the brunt of the bad behavior but all the best stuff too. My best advice is not to take it personally, but instead use it as a teachable moment to express to her how you feel when she does something so that she'll know In the future when it's with friends or other family members. 

Xo

Jenn

[Kristina Gibb]

Did everyone catch THIS ARTICLE?  (Study: Children Are 800% Worse When Their Mothers Are In The Room)! Bwah!... or should I say, "Wah wahhhhh." ;)

[Miriam Schiffer]

Kristina, I love that website!

* * *

Miriam B. Schiffer

My new book is here! Stella Brings the Family, published by Chronicle Books. 

Hear me talk all about it on the Let's Get Busy podcast with librarian Matthew Winner: http://lgbpodcast.blogspot.com/2015/05/miriam-b-schiffer-ep-152.html

[GMail]

One of the big changes/adjustments for me when I started to stay home last fall was no longer getting that end-of-day/home from work excitement. I usually got home from work about 10min before Dawna brought them home, and they would run down the hall to me in the kitchen and give me huge hugs. All that excitement transferred to Michael once I was always around. I do still get it if I go out with a friend or something else without them, but it is no where near the amount it used to be. They always found Papa more exciting when he was around. Now that he is home while job-searching (he quit his job earlier this summer), the balance is totally off. 

H&E turn 3 in less than a month, and I will say their behavior has taken a major turn over the last week or so, well probably a little but over the last month and then a lot over the last week. All those "threenagers" things I had read seem to be coming to full fruition...times two!  So, you may have a little of that (as others have mentioned below) in addition to still trying to adjust to her new house, new routine, missing old friends, etc.  

In addition to the book Kristina mentioned (& what happened to our book group for that one?!), I just read this book, which I found helpful, interesting, and great at putting things into perspective:

How Toddlers Thrive by Tovah Klein

http://www.amazon.com/How-Toddlers-Thrive-Children-Lifelong-ebook/dp/B00DPM7V20/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1439921330&sr=1-1&keywords=how+toddlers+thrive+-+tovah+klein

Jenn

Sent from my iPad

[Meredith Brehm]

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses!!!  I hadn't considered the "threenager" factor...but I think that's what I've been dealing with for some time now.  Today, we were having a fine time when (after a few gentle warnings) I said cheerfully, okay, my little love, time for lunch!  To which Lila said, "why do you have to be so mean to meeeeeee" and threw herself on the ground.  Kristina-thank you for the tip on the book.  The mother daughter relationship can be the best in the world, but it can also be tricky.  I'm so close to my mom and I really hope to have the same relationship with Lila.  Like some of you said, I have to remind myself that while I get the worst behavior, I also get some of the best too.  It does seem like Lila is finding ways to assert her independence and so much of her dependence has been on me so it makes sense that I would feel slightly spurned in the process!  I have to remind myself that Lila is only 2 and not in control of her emotions and that it really isn't so serious.  I sweated out my angst in bootcamp this am (yes, I found a gym, but no, it is nothing like our beloved Armory!) and felt better about things:)

When I googled "threenager," I found this funny article to verify my suspicions:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kristen-hewitt/10-signs-you-are-living-with-a-threenager_b_6463280.html

It means so much to me to hear your experiences...I always learn from all of you and gain some much needed insight.