SAGA - Alex's Letter From Asia -- Part 1

[Students Against Global Apathy]

To all SAGA members and supporters,                                              

This organization is on its final gasps of breath. So I am going to write out the brutal truth of what's happening behind-the-scenes for all to read and then let you all decide whether you'd like to resuscitate the idea back to life or let it asphyxiate into the grave.

(take a deep breath)

Well here goes...
I am in longer living in Canada but rather out of a backpack tramping on the other side of the world. I have been through four other countries already and I am currently located near the metropolis of Kuala Lumpur. However this is just a pit stop for me as I'll soon be based in the isolated rainforests of Sumatra where I'll be working with a team of scientific researchers on parasite/host relationships in wild orangutans. The project is amazing in itself because the animals are extremely endangered; but the real bonus is that it allows me to concurrently work with the locals in the area on matters of epidemiology and public health. Overall it is a multiple win-win situation and I expect these next six months to be exhilarating, humbling, introspective, and frightening (poisonous snakes!!)

However, there is another way to describe my journey and that's as belonging to a selfish asshole. This portrayal might be shocking to you; but I personally think of myself in these terms sometimes and I hope after reading the upcoming paragraphs you'll realize why.

(Another deep breath)

Time for the truth…

I had a seizure in April 2006 during exams and the result is that I suffer from a form of brain damage known as episodic amnesia. It affects my ability to store and retrieve memories; so I have difficulty recalling specific things that have happened in my past and it also sometimes affects my ability in forming new memories. It is not fatal and I still have all my motor and cognitive abilities so life appears relatively normal; but it can be extremely frustrating at times not knowing something in which you believe you ought to know. Most of my problems are something known as retrograde amnesia; where I forget events, situations, or places that happened before my seizure. There are lots of blank spots where the facts just don't exist or if I do remember something it is only vague details. So during this time my outlook on life really turned downhill because a lot of memories of people I cared about were lost and a lot of fundamental stuff I learned in school during the years was gone as well.

The part I find most scary is this thing called anterograde amnesia. I don't have too many problems with it, but it freaks me out because when you have this kind of damage the formation of new memories gets messed up. This is extremely difficult for me because of who I am -- or at least who I want to become. You see I am the guy who created SAGA. I am the one who says go travel the world; see new cultures; escape your bubble; learn another language; understand science, history, design and then build upon it because I believe each of us has the incredible opportunity to actually eradicate poverty. But if you can't create new memories, why does any of this matter?? You lose your desire to explore. You lose your ability to be fearless. You are always looking in the past and there is no future. This is the almost the exact opposite of what SAGA is suppose to be and so it shocks me to the core when I think this could be me if my disease progresses. Thankfully it is not me. Thankfully I only suffer from this class of symptoms very minimally. But sometimes it does happen. I have read an entire 300-page novel and then I can't even remember simple facts about the book. It can be crazy and frightening!! One instance this happened was in February and maybe it was just combined with stress of school and everything; but I became really really depressed.

The depression was quite severe and since I was treating it with periodic alcohol binges it wasn't getting any better. Sometimes there would be bright spots and I would survive for a couple days of happiness through the smile of a friend or a cool new song; but really my fearless confidence was shattered and self-doubt was prevailing. I wasn't SAGA personified anymore. I couldn't formulate a long-term vision, I didn't plan meetings or stick to schedules, and quite ironically I became apathetic. The depression probably overshadowed my memory loss but I couldn't stop it. I thought more about horror stories I heard while in Sierra Leone and I started thinking about the similarities in other conflict zones around the world: Somalia, Iraq, Sudan, DRC, Uganda, etc. Was there an end to this madness?? I didn't have an answer... The depression was an easier way to look at the world than trying to find innovative ways to fix it. Just close your eyes and shut yourself out.

I also started focusing on the negatives of SAGA. It wasn't as great as I wanted it to be and although I knew it was young and had infinite potential, I couldn't see myself as the guy leading it because I was fearful of what my own future would hold. The $25,000 that we gave away wasn't meaning anything to me anymore. I was a dark cloud and as you know it has had negative affects on the present state of the club. This mechanism kinda fed back upon itself in a negative loop as I saw SAGA as being my one golden hope; but I then I fucked it up. I saw that one door being closed and I just said fuck, fuck, fuck!! Of course I know there is more to life and that I can do other hobbies/adventures to make me happy; but I just knew I sacrificed a lot to create SAGA and it was something that I wanted to define me. It wasn't working though, so I felt like it should end and I took the steps to make that happen. (i.e. closing the online store, not delegating responsibility to the SAGA core members, not making future plans, not answering emails, not registering the club for the new school year, etc). Overall it was just a lot of bad bad stuff on top of my memory loss; kinda like the cherry on top of a sundae but with the opposite emotions.

Therefore considering everything above, I don't think anybody can deny that I have been possessing the characteristics of a selfish asshole.

 

(Inhale, Hold, Exhale.)

However on a personal level things have now started to get better. I got off my lazy ass and started running. I saw a good psychologist and stopped drinking alcohol. I read some amazing novels and got inspired by the serendipitous wonders of the natural and the designed worlds. A light switched on. I realized that a fresh start was possible and that I was still young, smart and incredibly curious. I was fortunate enough to be born into such an amazing country and that my potential was only limited by my aspirations. Therefore, I decided to live life as I dreamed it and go explore the world with the intent of leaving it a slightly better place for others. So now that takes me to the present state of affairs where I'm seeing new places, meeting exciting people, challenging my fears, and learning all the time. It is crazy and unorthodox, but I now have a jungle rainforest in my future and if all thing work out well no regrets in my past!!

The separation of time and space has also allowed me to think about the long-term prospects of SAGA. I realized that a lot of the negative stuff I was focusing on during my depression was bullshit and that the thing I hated most, excuses, was what I was turning my amnesia into. I realized that my motivation for starting a club with such lofty goals wasn't to sell t-shirts or even to start a charity; but what I wanted to do was give people the tools, the resources, the information, the skills, and the motivation to be their own leaders in their own life. I thought if we all stopped following ridiculous stereotypes and began to think creatively about social solutions it would be possible to build a better world because people are smart. We may not have all the answers; but there are some really good ones out there and if we got enough people in our generation to become aware of these accomplishments we can build upon those past successes with even greater ideas. (Just like the principles of surrounding Science). Something I've learned after creating SAGA is that we have the ability to influence other peoples' outlook on life. It won't be everybody, it might not be right away, and some might find it insignificant; but for those that we do touch we can make a lasting impression. And since we stumbled upon this unique method of reaching a large number of people we can find some special individuals who are "diamonds in the rough" that will contribute the effort to our own organization's growth. We just have to follow what works for others, apply it to ourselves, and then build upon it with the passion that intrinsic within SAGA.

It was never my intention for SAGA to be about one person and it never should have become that. I am sorry for my failure to uphold the responsibilities expected of me. I am acutely aware of the consequences of my inaction since I painfully know that the thousands of dollars that are not being raised (and the potentially huge sums we could raise if SAGA was properly organized) provides hope to many and saves real human lives. But I first had to take the steps to save myself; before I could begin to save others.

 

(grasping for air)

So this is the brutal truth of SAGA's downfall. The club is on its last breath and I can't do anything to save it from this side of the world. If nothing else happens the idea that inspired so many will die off into nothingness. Gandhi once said that the truth never hurts a cause that is just; I hope this is true and somebody out there is willing to give the organization some CPR.

 

 

I also hope I didn't bore you with my life,
Alex

P.S. If you think want to be involved in SAGA's future please read Alex's Letter From Asia – Part 2.