You triggered me!

[Francesca Gentille]

Hello dear one,

You triggered me! OR My past triggered me? 

In recent months I perceive that I have been seeing more and more of an imprecision of language and a collapsing of concepts that is disempowering for our clients, and ourselves. I see this in media, facebook, and professional groups. 

DISEMPOWERING - VICTIM LANGUAGE: 

• You triggered me. 
• You are unsafe. 
• You make me feel. .  sad, angry, horny, scared, uncomfortable etc etc. 
• You violated me. 
• You betrayed me. You should have known better. 
• You are ______ (insert label here. . . a narcissist, unsafe, ignorant, stupid, Some ____ist, etc)

When I was actually most trapped and forced in life I was a child. As an adult I am free and empowered although I don't always "feel" that way. When I forget that I free and empowered (but may not like my choices or circumstances) I have been kidnapped by an Old Program of Survival. 

When I blame others for my feelings and triggers it traps me in them. It traps me in a world of victim and victimizer. 

When I own my triggers and feelings it expands my world into one of collaboration, compassion, and creation. New possibilities for understanding and bridge building arise. 

EMPOWERING - SOVEREIGN LANGUAGE: 

• TRIGGERS: I have a trigger (which is always from the past). It is mine. When you say or do _____ it activates. Would you be willing to say or do _____ instead? OR Would you be willing to hold me with compassion when this occurs? Etc. BOTTOM LINE: The triggered is owned. A empowered adult request is made. 

• SAFETY: When you say or do _____ I feel uncomfortable. Would you be willing to do or say ______ instead? BOTTOM LINE: The feeling is owned. A empowered adult request is made. 

• FEELINGS: When this_____ occurs in my life OR you say or do ______, I feel __________(some version of sad, angry, fearful, loving) because I PERCEIVE that my needs for (NVC NEEDS LIST) are met or unmet. BOTTOM LINE: As a sovereign adult no one "makes me" do or feel anything. My feelings arise from my PERCEPTIONS (narrative, story or meaning assigned) to what happened. 

• REQUESTS: When I requested that you not do _____, you continued to do it. This did not meet my need for integrity, honesty, and consideration. BOTTOM LINE: I own that I am empowered. That my feelings are messengers for me.  I have the power to make requests and express my boundaries. I own that I have the power to grow closer to or spend less time with people based on whether or not we can collaborate to obtain a win/win. 

• BOUNDARIES: OR Although you did not know _____ was a boundary, it was. So when you did or said ______ I felt (sad, scared, angry) because my needs for safety, kindness and consideration were not met. Would you be willing to apologize and not do ___ again? BOTTOM LINE: I own that I am empowered. That my feelings are messengers for me. I have the power to make requests and expression boundaries. That I have the power to grow closer to or spend less time with people based on whether or not we can collaborate to obtain a win/win. 

• CURIOSITY VERSUS LABELING: When you did or said ____, I felt uncomfortable. But I am curious and open to discover why you might have said or done _____. What was going on for you at that time? BOTTOM LINE: I own that I am NOT a mind reader. I don't know why people say or do ____. Nor do I know what they are thinking or feeling when they do. By staying open and curious, I can often create bridges of understanding that build peace and a new paradigm. 

I find that as an adult more often than not, I collude in crossing my OWN boundaries by overgiving, or not even speaking up for my request or boundaries clearly in the moment. Then I become a child blaming the other person and resenting them for not being fully cognizant of the boundaries or limits I had not expressed. :-( 

TIP TOEING AROUND PEOPLE'S EMOTIONS AND TRIGGERS: 

It's human to make mistakes and to not be mind readers. We will always (sooner or later) step on someone's tender feelings, or past mine field of triggers. 

Especially as healer - teacher - clinicians. While CONSENT is a real conversation (consent on ALL levels - time, money, energy, emotional labor, emotional exchange, touch, sex). CONSENT also necessitates the people involved being able TO CHECK INside themselves and advocate for their disparate needs, thoughts & feelings in any given moment or situation. 

When I have THE THOUGHT "our clients expect us to be facile at being resilient, responsive and sovereign while modeling healthy boundaries. And instead we are trained to avoid having uncomfortable feelings, and we are collegially seeing to avoid creating any kind of trainings that might stir these feelings." I feel sad, and concerned. I PERCEIVE that way of training does not meet my needs for:

• Growth
• Healing
• Wisdom
• Competency

WOULD YOU BE WILLING to brainstorm with me ways to meet the needs of some for safety, comfort and ease while growing competency, wisdom, and resiliency? 

What are some of your brilliant and creative ideas to do that? 

• Conversations?
• Trainings? 
• Creative art projects? 
• Something else? 

Warm and kind regards,
Francesca

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Certified Clinical Sexologist & Relationship Specialist: Francesca Gentille

Radio Show: SEX: Tantra & Kama Sutra

TV: The Francesca Channel

2019 Professional Trainings: 

• Somatic Sensual Healing Institute - 4 Day Intensives for Professionals in Healing from Trauma (specialized classes in Healing Men, Healing Women, Therapeutic Kink, and Couples)
• Kink Conscious Education Certification - for Clinicians (can be taken as part of a Clinical Sexology PHD or as a stand alone Certification)
• Join my Egroup, Email: SacredLivin...@Yahoogroups.ocm