Help Please!

[rufus.hum...@gmail.com]

I am a 15 year old boy, this is hard for me to type, I really just need some advice. I want to know how you guys' families reacted, when you told them, you were gay. I am gay, but everything I have ever been taught has shown me it is dead wrong, I dont want to be so different! I want to have children one day and, be able to teach them what i have learned, but...
I am just attracted to men, there are only 3 women in my life who i have seen that i think look beautiful, but not attractive, the men are endless.
If you are gay, but don't want to be, what do you do?? Please, I have a homophobic family...help

[Capt Pervy]

Do a search for empty closets. It's a support forum for people who want to come out but don't know how to. There are a lot of good people there that are more than willing to help. In the meantime stay strong and you will get through this.

[robbd...@gmail.com]

Thanks for being so open Rufus, you dont say where you are from I am assuming the States, if so things are different here in the UK, I would say that if you are having doubts ie saying that you DONT WANT to be different? then perhaps you are not really gay?, we all at one point in growing up had doubts about ie our sexuality, when the hormones are raging you find small details can excite you, some boys become involved with men and it turns horrendous, as really they are just going through the natural teenage hang ups, some like us BL, probably experimented and found that we liked it and took it a step further.

I always baulk at saying we are DIFFERENT? to whom? because we prefer the body of a male to a female,? we are simply different to those who perceive it is wrong/ I personally am proud, I am a BL, and cherish the love of a boy not simply in a sexual manner but for him being a beautiful human being.

I say be proud, remember beauty is simply skin deep, true beauty is underneath? being totally honest with the doubts you express/ I hinestly think you are just growing up there is NO SHAME in being gay, we simply have different ideals.

If you want to discuss things in detail and private I a have a good listening ear.

Good luck and i hope that you do find yourself.

David (Admin)

[Loveboy Rob]

Hello Rufas. I am Rob, owner of this forum and website. If you are 15 you should not be here according to the law placing me at risk. I'm not saying I agree with that fucked up, ridiculous law, but I must abide by it. However, I do have a background of extensive work with gay/bi youth, heard it all, sadly lost some of the boys but hope many others benefited. If you like, contact me at roblo...@gmail.com  and we can discuss this matter in more detail, Keep your head up, it does get better when all seems in despair. There is no real reason to come out to anyone at this point, you'll know when you're ready ... if ever. But I will say this, most parents I've worked with in PFLAG already suspected their son/daughter was gay before he/she came out. Especially so in mothers who have a sixth sense about everything we try and hide. LOL. The old, "I know what you know that you know that I know," syndrome. At fifteen, most boys have come to terms with their true sexuality (I have seen much younger who knew their true feelings, those are the ones vulnerable to suicide or self mutilation, I do hope you are past that stage). What i would tell my group (much to the administrator's disapproval) was boys coming out to parents too soon is detrimental to future sleepovers with guys, only sabotaging your sex life. LOL  I've always been a rebel and with something as important as young lives, no fixed approved curriculum established by old men to follow applied to me and  I didn't give a fuck. Contact me if you wish, otherwise I wish you all the best to be happy in life just the way you are. NEVER live your life to appease other peoples expectations or morals.

 

Robert Colt 

[robbd...@gmail.com]

I agree totally with all Rob has said Rufus, dont conform because you think it is what is expected of you, be yourself and be proud of whatever you choose to be.like Rob I am here to help if you need me.

Dave

[licar...@gmail.com]

First, in my opinion, it will always be better if you have nothing to hide. And surely, it is really difficult to tell to your homophobic family that you are my sister, gay. Well, first, I assure you that your mother already knows this, she just does not want to accept it. Even if you don't tell your Mom, she already feel it. For me, the best way to tell that you are gay is through actions. Just act normal and don't pretend that you are some macho guy. Just act what you feel. Then if they ask you if you are gay, then tell them Yes. Well I don't know if this will be helpful but I think it would be more helpful if we could have a personal conversation and I will be more than glad to help you with this matter.

 

Ciao.

[darren...@gmail.com]

It's been almost 4 months since you posted, Rufus, so I hope you're not struggling with this any more. But in case you are....

There is growing evidence of genetic links to sexual orientation. Genes that cause us to be attracted to men or women. And my guess is genes that attract us to blonds vs red heads, young vs old, fat vs skinny. Now, I don't doubt that there is ALSO a component of life experience involved as well. So if your best friend at an early age was fat, you may grow up prefering chubbier people. If your dad had a beard, but you didn't have a good relationship as a child, you may grow up to prefer people without beards. Stuff like that.

Back in the 1940's Dr. Kinsey, along with others, did research on sexuality and sexual histories of men, predominantly college students. And placed their "subjects" on a scale from 0 to 6 plus X. Those scoring a 0 had NEVER, at any point in their life, had ANY sexual contact with another man or interest in doing so. Those scoring a 6 had ONLY had sexual contact or interest in other males. And those who had yet to have any sexual contact with others at all were rated as X's as they did not yet fall onto the continum. (For reference, I'm about a 4.5-5 on the scale.)

6's represented 10% of their research subjects and became the basis of "Gays represent only 10% of adults in America." And from one standpoint, and with a limited perspective, that would be mostly true. Mostly, because it only refers to men, not to women. (A seperate study was done on women and was published in the 1950's. Unfortunately, the concept of a woman having, let alone enjoying, sex in the 50's was SO counter to what was accepted by society that it wasn't accepted nearly as well. Where people thought children came from, I don't know. But if you look at shows like "I Love Lucy" from the time, you will see married couples sleeping in seperate beds....)

What doesn't get reported by virtually anyone, but which I find great humor in, is that while 10% of those researched came out as 6's (100% pure homosexual in thought and deed), only 5% came out 0's! So, globalizing the results of Dr. Kinsey's 1948 "Sexual Behavior in the Human Male" there are twice as many gays as straights in this country! And the remaining 85% have had at least incidental sexual contact with members of both sexes. (Think playing doctor with both boys and girls growing up, or even more than that.)

Society has changed, and changed a LOT since Dr. Kinsey did his study. In America these days, it is generally NOT illegal for two consenting adult males to have sex in private as it used to be. Gay bars are not raiding on a regular basis with patrons charged with public indecency, simply for being present. And while long-term gay relationships where virtually unthought of 60+ years ago, today equal marriage rights exist in the majority of the country with the US Supreme Courth set to make a final ruling later this year!

In some ways, I envy you for the world you are growing up in -- the comparative levels of tolerance and acceptance, as well as the technological changes. In other ways, I don't -- I grew up in a world where walking back and forth to school by myself was "normal" and not viewed as potential "child neglect" on the part of my parents. And while it once was important to be "Out" practically screaming from the street corners that you were gay so society would have to acknowledge us, I don't think that's so important any more, at least not the confrontational part of it. 

You are who you are, as I am who I am. Have you ever heard of a teenager sitting down with their parents for a serious discussion so the teenager could explain that they're *gasp* heterosexual? I haven't either. The cry for years against "gay rights" and more recently "gay marriage" is that we're seeking "special rights." And no, we're not. No more than mixed race couples were seeking "special" rights by seeking full legal status. It wasn't until 1967 (the year I was born) that the US Supreme Court invalidated state laws prohibiting the practice and forced all states to recognise such marriages, and still, nearly 50 years later, many people frown upon such couples.

I think the best course of action for gay and bi-sexual people today, and the path I myself choose, is to simply be who you while neither appologizing for who you are nor making a big issue of it. Currently, at 15, I imagine you have mostly male friends. You may or may not have started expiramenting with them. And while possible, I wouldn't be surprised if you had yet to start dating one particular individual and growing an emotional bond. Most males your age are driving FAR more by hormones than emotion or logic. And that's okay, you're still figuring out just what you want out of life and what kind of person (not just plumbing) you want to live it with.

I never "told my family I was guy." I never made that kind of issue about it. But I did bring my boy friend over many times when I still lived with my mother. Nevr for dinner or anything like that, though. Mostly to, uh, "hang out in my room" from which much moaning and headboard banging would eminate. And she's never made an issue of it either. While my sister was still at home (she left when I was about your age), I would frequently "borrow" her copies of Play Girl and even her vibrators and dildoes. She once told me she had a lesbian friend of whom she was quite accepting and that if I ever "wanted to talk about anything" she would be there for me. I never did, but when she moved out she "forgot" the box of magazines and sex toys which promptly disappeared into my room. 

So, if you're still reading this, live your life, be who you are, and never appologize or make issue of that. For now, have friends over as you have in the past, and when the time comes that you're dating one person specifically and they're worthy of the title, refer to them as your boyfriend, but again, don't make an issue of it. (And that may not happen until you're in college, to be honest.) Just be who you are.