Please Don 39;t Touch Me

[James Gillock]

Thank you to rabidchild and jad for being a friendly ear to my crying over this story and giving me fab suggestions; to wiltedviolets for helping me with tricky dialogue; to Candy for brainstorming and for tiny Santa Spock Prime; to everyone at KiScon who encouraged me; and as always, to jouissant for everything she does.

Original prompt: "TOS/Reboot. Jim is chipper about having time off for the holidays. He asks everyone if they want to spend time together but sadly, everyone ditches Jim over the holidays because they have plans. McCoy visits his daughter, Nyota visits her family, and everyone splits. Not knowing Spock has feelings for him, Jim doesn't even bother asking if he wants to spend time together figuring he has something to do. Something cute, romantic with the boys spending time with one another and confessions."

With so many Starfleet personnel away for the holidays, Jim's apartment building is still enough that Jim can hear Spock swallow from across the room. He allows his eyes to flutter closed momentarily at the sound, imagines the bob of Spock's adam's apple just above the neckline of his uniform. Spock doesn't move from where he stands near the door, so Jim works up the nerve to look at him.

Spock's lips are parted as if he intended to reply, probably prepared to accept Jim's rejection and depart. He appears genuinely shocked that Jim has just answered in the affirmative, eyebrows furrowed and hands clasped low behind his back as he does when he's thinking. Jim sits on the edge of his couch, hands folded together and dropped between his knees. He stares at the carpet and wets his lips nervously. He really needs to clean the apartment before Bones starts harping on him again. He hopes that Spock doesn't notice the obvious boot prints leading from the door to the couch. The few times Spock has invited him for dinner, Jim grudgingly observed that Spock's place is as neat as the line of his bangs.

Did he really just agree to help Spock with database entry for two weeks on New Vulcan over Christmas? He's pretty sure Spock calculated Jim's likelihood to accept an invitation as a zero percent possibility, but Jim derives a certain satisfaction from doing the opposite of what Spock expects. His heart is pounding with adrenaline, because what is he doing? His schedule is filled with mandatory evaluations and meetings with the admiralty about the refit and crew assignments, but he imagines a few days away from that: burying himself beneath a mound of blankets, steam rising from a mug of fresh-brewed coffee, maybe catching up on a book. And ample time alone with Spock, even if Jim is reluctant to admit what that means.

"If you're serious," he casually adds, giving Spock a chance to retract his offer. He shoots him a full-wattage grin, the one he flashes at the cameras when his heroism is compared with his father's, a visual check. They lock eyes. Spock merely raises an eyebrow, immune.

His smile falters but he keeps in in place. He looks down at his bare legs and boxers and can't recall the last time he did laundry. He should have put on pants. He wonders why it matters; Spock has seen him look worse.

Jim keeps the smile plastered on his lips until he shuts the bedroom door behind him and slumps against it, frowning. Maybe he should call Spock's bluff, walk back into the living room laughing, and tell him to have a good trip. Except Jim really has no one to visit over the holidays. He knows; he's asked everyone. Winona is stuck on the Tereshkova, and Sam hasn't been planetside in over a decade. Scotty and Uhura are going...somewhere. Chekov is staying with family in Russia, and Sulu is speaking at a botany convention. Bones looked apologetic leaving Jim in San Francisco by himself, but this will be the first Christmas he'll have with Jo since she was four. Jim knew Bones would end up inviting him along to Georgia out of a misplaced sense of guilt, so he'd slapped Bones on the shoulder and said, "Give Jo a hug for me." He kept the smile on his face until he could no longer hear Bones's footsteps in the hall. He probably should have sent a gift for Jo; he's crap at this "honorary uncle" thing.

Besides, even if Spock wasn't planning on Jim's acceptance when he asked, and even if he did so only to placate McCoy (because Jim knows full well that Bones instructed the crew to be careful with him post-superblood, thinking he might crack up at any minute), Spock would never admit to that. It's got to be illogical to issue an invitation simply out of social obligation. But Spock wouldn't do that, anyway. He'd simply say "Farewell" and be on his way. No, for some reason, Spock actually wants him to come along to New Vulcan, and a part of Jim wants to go. Okay, he can deal with that. If Spock isn't backing down, neither is Jim Kirk.

He goes to his closet and pulls out his dress boots and street shoes. He knows he's got a duffel bag in here somewhere. What the heck should he pack? Spock said light fabrics. What does that mean, t-shirts? Is he allowed to have bare arms on New Vulcan? He's never seen a Vulcan with skin exposed below the neck. Maybe he can just borrow a set of robes from Spock when they get there. They're about the same size, and it's not like those robes are fitted. He grabs his toothbrush, toothpaste, a few pairs of boxers, a handful of his favorite t-shirts, two pairs of jeans, a pair of slacks, a dress shirt and a tie (you never know, Winona always told him, and a tie dresses up any outfit). Clothed in loose jeans which sit low on his waist and a worn black t-shirt, he slings the bag over his shoulder and slips on his sunglasses.

It dawns on Jim, just as Spock presses his thumb to a scanner on the humble front door and the light glows red, that the last time he and Sarek breathed the same air was when Spock was throttling him on the bridge. If Sarek is anything like Winona, he probably asked Spock what Jim did to make him so pissed off. And if Spock is anything like Jim, he probably spit out the story. That means Sarek's first impression of Jim was him accusing Spock of never loving his mother, just hours after her death.

Great, he thinks and fidgets with his t-shirt, which reveals a sliver of skin at his waist because of the way he's got his arm arranged to lug the tote bag. He feels half naked and drops the bag at his feet, tugging the hem into place as Sarek appears in the small entry and extends the ta'al.

"Captain Kirk." Sarek addresses him in a perfectly polite tone, but his face might as well be carved out of the same rock that makes up half the structures on this planet. Jim can't read it, and he swallows through the shiver which passes through him.

"Ambassador Sarek, thanks for the invitation," he says brightly, attempting to mask his unease, and does a decent approximation of the greeting in return. Sarek inclines his head politely and looks at Spock, who lowers his eyes. Jim's eyes widen as he considers that maybe Spock hadn't asked Sarek's permission at all, that it's possible Sarek didn't even know that Jim was coming, that he could be standing in the middle of an aphonic father/son showdown.

But all Sarek says is "You must be thirsty," and shows them through to the common room where he has laid out water and a tray of biscuits. Jim settles next to Spock on the low couch without thinking about it, slinging an arm behind him. It's only when Sarek meets his eyes and lifts an eyebrow that Jim realizes his mistake and plants both arms at his sides.

"It would not be practical," Spock explains hurriedly, when he notes Jim's no-doubt pained expression, "for a larger house to be allocated to my father. He is unmarried, with no children at home. As it is, I am unsure why he was given a two-bedroom structure. I presume it is due to his status as an ambassador."

"I guess we'll manage," Jim says, shifting in his jeans. He saved his entire crew from a eugenics experiment gone wrong; he can sleep next to Spock for a few nights and control himself. After all, he managed on the shuttle when he woke to find Spock asleep on his shoulder.

"No!" Jim says a little too loudly. He lowers his voice and clears his throat, glancing to the door in case his tone caused Sarek to check on them. "But isn't this going to affect your telepathy or something?"

"I will resist the temptation," Spock says in a sort-of purr Jim has never heard him use before. It's a little scary and hot as hell. Jim really, really has to get out of this room before he does something stupid, like push Spock on the bed and say, "Do you understand why I saved you now?"

In the hospital, Spock approached the bed and smiled at him, even stroked Jim's palm as he was falling asleep, but they never talked about it. After his release from the hospital, Spock was still with Uhura, and their touches became accidental: fingertips grazing over a chess piece, arms brushing in a doorway. Three months later, when Jim met Scotty for drinks only to find Uhura with him instead of Keenser, he got his hopes up again, but nothing changed between them. It left him wondering if Spock had understood what Jim had tried to say at all. He wanted to ask, brainstormed the right conversation ad nauseum, but it turns out that soul-bearing confessions are a lot easier to blurt when he's dying. It didn't matter if what he felt was returned, because all that mattered was that Spock knew. But Jim is alive. They'll be serving together for the next five years, and he can't bring himself to say anything.

Spock is staring at him, his expression curious. Jim scrubs the back of his hand over his forehead, presses a knuckle into the wrinkle he can see forming over his right eye, and tries to remember what they were talking about.

On the transport to New Vulcan, Jim imagined multiple awkward scenarios involving Spock's dad: walking in on Sarek while he's trying to meditate; Sarek lecturing Jim that wearing boxers into the kitchen was offensive, even though the planet's a desert and Jim's likely to overheat; Sarek demanding to know what Jim's intentions are toward his son.

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