My first chapter in my science fantasy novel series

[Sch...@gmail.com]

http://www.novelmaker.com/index/readCommentRate.php?m=8332&role=&s=&pid=3010

[Tez]

Here are some initial thoughts (I have not finished reading it yet,
but will post more once I have):

The opening might throw/turn readers off. For example, you use words/
terms that are not only unfamiliar, but difficult to pronounce out
loud or even in your own head, like Gar'Y'Zal; in my experience, most
readers will ignore words they do not understand, so you might want to
clarify things like this as early as possible; is Gar'Y'Zal a specific
race of creature, or just a regional nationality? The story mentions
the captain being next to another Gar'Y'Zal, so maybe some dialogue
between them pertaining to their race/nationality, maybe even a
shorter easier-to-parse nickname that either they give themselves or
has been put upon them.

Like I said, very early thoughts, I'm going to keep reading it now :)

On Nov 5, 5:53 pm, Sch...@gmail.com wrote:
> http://www.novelmaker.com/index/readCommentRate.php?m=8332&role=&s=&p...

[The Last Bard]

Maybe even include the beginning of the chapter being a brief history
of the Gar'Y'Zal... Or at least the past few decades. To give a flavor
to the character, saying he is Gar'Y'Zal defines him as his race, but
not his race. If you can define his people, (Freed Slave,
Aristocratic, etc) you in turn further define his character.

(A note, the only time I think this is a bad idea is when we are
starting the story off from the Villains point of view. Better to make
them as mysterious and dark as possible. Let the character define the
villain through the book and when a person comes back and rereads the
book the understanding of the villains mentality is so much more acute
that they pick up things during the opening that they hadn't before.)

--
The phoenix is the only thing to rise and never descend, and while
everything changes. Nothing is truly lost.

[Tez]

More thoughts:

It seems like there are sections where you go a little 'wild' with
adjectives and description, and others where you simply record the
events plainly. For example, when the ship docks early on; it is very
droll, while you had just given a detailed description of a door the
captain was opening. It is a delicate balancing act between saying too
much and not saying enough; this is something that can obviously be
worked on while editing, but it's something to keep in mind as you
write to make life easier for you later.

Lots of names and locations, none of which mean anything to the reader
yet. Even a little information about the area, a little more detail
about Jagoth's Spine, for example. It's a common mistake to think you
are drawing readers in by holding back information and making them
curious, but eventually the reader passes a point where they will just
stop caring. If you want to tantalize them, tantalize them with
something more specific than just wondering who the person that was
just mentioned is.

The meteorite that hits the town causing all the destruction: give the
reader a little context. You are telling them a lot about the
destruction, but you gave them little to compare it to; describe the
areas you are talking about being destroyed before they are destroyed.
This will also form a connection to the city for the reader; if you
make them familiar with it before you destroy it, it will have that
much more of an impact. It doesn't matter if the city is
inconsequential; what matters is the reaction you can pull out of the
reader. A scene like this could hook a reader early, so try and make
it happen.

Debien's death in the crater: Kudos, this paragraph is really well-
written. Only advice here is describe the creature; it is such a quick
encounter, so pad it a little. It's exciting but too short; let the
reader form at least a decent image of it in their head.

"The energy Vincinte absorbed from the dying guard repaired the wound
as he ripped the blade out of him." If you're going to be this vague,
use it to your advantage; don't even bother mentioning how he absorbed
'energy' to repair his wound and simply describe the wound healing.
The reader will make the connection on their own until you elaborate
on it later (I'm assuming you will).

I think that's it for now. Everything past that point was mostly
action and pretty well done. Obviously it can be improved and there
are a few areas where things I already mentioned come back, but that
is what multiple edits are for :) I thought I'd focus more on general
critiques instead of every single spelling error or grammar slip. Hope
this helps.

[Sch...@gmail.com]

Thank you so so much!!! Thats exactly the kind of feedback I was
looking for. When I've finished with Chapter 2, I'll go back and fix
up some of those things in Chapter 1. I want to finish the next
chapter first or I'll never get it done ;-)

[Wraygun]

*commenting as I go, so I don't forget anything*

- The first paragraph is a tough one to get past, and potentially a
dealbreaker for someone picking up the story. You have speech from
more than one individual without a paragraph break (each speaker,
thinker, or even actor, if they're not participating in the same act,
should really get their own paragraph. Also, as Tez mentioned, we're
smacked about the shoulder and head with proper nouns that come with
very little description (Houm Sea, An'Hor, Encerano, ANsheer,
Gar'Y'Zal, Izzia, His Children - that's a lot to take in!). I think
if you could really star with maybe just the captain and his ship, and
develop both of those (and the sea and what he can see of it) in a
paragraph or two, and then bring in the other proper nouns with enough
detail that even if we don't remember the name, we remember what they
are, or at least the place they fill in the story. If the proper name
doesn't come up later on, skip it for now. I know it adds character,
but it's critical to capture the reader first before s/he drowns in
character. :)

That said, I don't recommend going back after you finish chapter 2 to
rework 1. Take notes on things you'd like to change, but make a solid
run to the end of the story first. Trust me - there will always be
things to go back and change in the initial chapters, and if you keep
bouncing back in forth in the story it makes it difficult to stop.
Write to the end first, as sloppy and rough a draft as you need to to
get out the basic ideas and important details, and then go back and
rework.

- Whew! I have to say, I wasn't really able to follow the first
chapter well, so I had to start skimming. I suspect that the action
and the details are so dense that it's difficult to get a handle on
who people are, what their relationship is to the story, and what
their motivations are, before they're changed or killed or we move on
to someone else. My recommendation (and again, this would be for
after you've already written through a first draft) would be to
either:

Stretch this first chapter out to several. Devote an entire
chapter to the captain and his crew and the town they're arriving at
so we know who they are and what they're like and maybe get some
foreshadowing. Make the next chapter about Vincinte, and maybe about
the discovery that a meteorite is inbound. Continue with any other
characters you need to introduce before you get to the action that
pits them against each other and the beast.

Or: Cut way back on the detail, and keep the point of view to a
single character, with a little nod to narratorial omniscience. I
think you could make that work very well in this story.

Good luck! Press forward! Don't look back except to take notes for
things you'd like to change in the future!

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