Strawberry Yogurt and Hinduism

[shacamin]

A line here, another there. The next would curve a little to
the left and then suddenly make a sharp hairpin turn in the opposite
direction. This part is too light. It should be shaded in more. She
closed her eyes to remember the shapes and started working once again.
The piece was abstract, so closing her eyes was a way for her eyelids
to remind her what her brain was thinking. It was a simple process,
anyways. Nothing to get too obsessed with.
The phone rang in mid-stroke, completely destroying what was left of
her concentration. There was too much glare on the caller I.D screen
to see who it was from her desk. She lay down her pencil and made her
way to the phone. When she was standing directly over the phone set,
she recognized the name that appeared on the screen. It was Ray.
“Hello?” She asked casually. Such a useless thing to say. The French
have it right: they add “Yes?” afterwards. That makes much more sense.
“Hey! Alex, it's me, Ray.” As he spoke, Alex mouthed the words he was
saying.
“Yeah, I know, what's goin' on?”
“So I had just walked into my apartment, right? And...”
Alex let her mind wander as Ray began to tell her about the latest
happenings between him and their mutual friends. She let a part of her
doubt that his reply would be any different from the conversations
that predated this one. She had the act rehearsed pretty well. While
paying as little attention as possible, she was able to figure out
when to laugh or add little useless phrases like: “Wow!” or “Are you
serious?” or even just a little “Hmm.” It had worked so far, and no
damage had been done to anyone. She saw no problem with it.
“...like nothing else! Can you believe it?”
“That's incredible!” She quickly replied. In fact, it probably
wasn't. More than likely it was about one of his overly-religious
friends making some sly comment about atheism. Most of Ray's stories
involved religion in some way. While Ray wasn't very religious
himself, he liked to think that someday, he could be. So, he
surrounded himself with religious people in an attempt to find a
deeper meaning in his life. Alex was one of the few who remained left
over, who didn't fit into his spiritual circle of friends. It was
difficult sometimes to find something that they could do together
because Ray constantly wanted to be learning about some religion or
another. One week it was Christianity, then it was Buddhism, then
Paganism, and so on. It seemed never ending. However, lately, Ray had
been orbiting around the idea of Hinduism. It was sort of an
elliptical orbit, in which he moved on from it for a while, but was
soon drawn back to it, only to be sent off in another direction.
Alex grabbed a cup of yogurt from the refrigerator. Strawberry. The
chunks were fun to crush with a spoon and eat them slowly.
“Hello?” Ray had asked with a strong tone of impatience in his voice.
With a quick, unpredicted gasp, Alex replied, “Oh, sorry! I was just
eating some yogurt.”
“Strawberry?” Ray asked, attempting to strike up another
conversation.
“Well, what can I say? I like...”
“Crushing the chunks, I know.” He cut her off with an unpleasant form
of superiority. This was a sign, Alex knew from experience, that he
was nervous. In most cases when he took on a dominating personality,
there was some awkward topic that he simply had to bring up. Past
examples of this included asking her on a date, asking her for any
kind of life advice, or asking to borrow money from her.
Not wishing to retain this awful anxiety any longer, Alex spoke.
“Are you O.K?” A simple and short question that fulfilled her part in
the conversation. This kind of topic always excited her. She could
rarely ever predict what Ray was going to say when he took on this
mindset.
Ray let out a sigh straight into the phone, creating a surprisingly
annoying static sound on Alex's end of the line. She pushed the phone
away from her ear and shook her head in an attempt to rid her brain of
the sound waves. She quickly realized that without the phone next to
her ear, she would not be able to hear what Ray was about to confide
in her. She brought the phone back to her ear, too quickly however,
because she slammed it into the side of her head, forcing her to let
out a small wince.
“I don't really know how to say this,” He quietly piped. This is how
he always started. “But I'm leaving.”
“Oh, Jesus, Ray,” Alex let our her own sigh. “You had me worried for
a while there. Where are you...”
“No, you don't understand! I'm leaving. Leaving leaving. As in,
goodbye. Goodbye as in I'll email, hope you reply, but don't feel too
bad if you don't. That goodbye.”
“When...whe..er...whahm...” Words seemed to be entangled in her
mind's state of confusion. Ray had never been this upfront about
anything. Finally, four slightly unwanted words sprung from her lips.
“Where are you going?”
“Of all people, I would have thought that you could have figured it
out. I'm going to New Delhi. I can't expel Hinduism from my life any
more. I'm going to become a monk. I just wanted to say goodbye a few
times to you. I know you don't like saying goodbyes, so I'll do it for
you.” He took an elongated breath, and attempted his best impression
of Alex's voice: “Bye Ray!”
The next sound that she heard was the slow, satisfied nasal breath
that meant that Ray was smiling. It was followed by the clumsy
collapse of the phone, a task Alex had never mastered.
Alex lay the receiver on the machine, turned around, scooped up the
yogurt cup once again, and without looking, began to mindlessly stab
the strawberry chunks as she headed back to her desk. She collapsed on
the floor just in front of her chair.
“Bye Alex."

[The Last Bard]

I really liked the short story, it's a very good character piece. Some issues, but I want to stress that I really enjoyed it.

 First, there are some tense issues. Sometimes the current moment going on slips into past tense, and back into present tense. The rest I've placed in italics after I underlined them. Hope this helps!

      A line here, another there. The next would curve a little to
the left and then suddenly make a sharp hairpin turn in the opposite
direction. This part is too light. It should be shaded in more. She
closed her eyes to remember the shapes and started working once again.
The piece was abstract, so closing her eyes was a way for her eyelids
to remind her what her brain was thinking. It was a simple process, anyways.
Nothing to get too obsessed with.

(This seems to stutter with the rest of it. The art is flowing this way and that, there are sharp turns but that too is apart of the flow. If you can combine the last two sentences... Like "A simple process, nothing to get obsessive with." etc, that sort of thing.)
        The phone rang in mid-stroke, completely destroying what was left of
her concentration. (There was no distraction before, she was completely focused. There is nothing "left" of her concentration, because it is wholly there.)

There was too much glare on the caller I.D screen
to see who it was from her desk.

She lay down her pencil and made her
way to the phone. (This sentences is awkward, the use of "She, Her, Her" you reference her in 25% of the words. Maybe condense it?) When she was standing directly over the phone set,

she recognized the name that appeared on the screen. It was Ray.
       "Hello?" She asked casually. Such a useless thing to say. The French
have it right: they add "Yes?" afterwards. That makes much more sense.
       "Hey! Alex, it's me, Ray." As he spoke, Alex mouthed the words he was
saying.
       "Yeah, I know, what's goin' on?"
       "So I had just walked into my apartment, right? And..."
       Alex let her mind wander as Ray began to tell her about the latest
happenings between him and their mutual friends. She let a part of her
doubt that his reply would be any different from the conversations
that predated this one. She had the act rehearsed pretty well. While
paying as little attention as possible, she was able to figure out
when to laugh or add little useless phrases like: "Wow!" or "Are you
serious?" or even just a little "Hmm." It had worked so far, and no

damage had been done to anyone. (No need for the "to anyone" it is implied.) She saw no problem with it. (You should combine the last two sentences, because this does not stand on its own. "It had worked thus far, and she saw no problem with it; it didn't hurt anyone." would be a good base to work from.)

       "...like nothing else! Can you believe it?"

       "That's incredible!" She quickly replied. (No need for this, in fact she has replied already in this short so you may want to rephrase it, and combine it with the sentence after... "She said even though she was sure it in fact, was not incredible.") In fact, it probably
wasn't. More than likely it was about one of his overly-religious

friends making some sly comment about atheism. Most of Ray's stories
involved religion in some way.

While Ray wasn't very religious

himself, he liked to think that someday, he could be. So, he
surrounded himself with religious people in an attempt to find a

deeper meaning in his life. (Something about the sentence is odd. It may be the constant reference to Ray "Ray, himself, he, he, he, himself, his" 7 out of 33 words reference him. You can cut the self reference very easily.) Alex was one of the few who remained left

over, who didn't fit into his spiritual circle of friends. It was
difficult sometimes to find something that they could do together
because Ray constantly wanted to be learning about some religion or
another. One week it was Christianity, then it was Buddhism, then
Paganism, and so on. It seemed never ending. However, lately, Ray had

been orbiting around (Orbiting means circling, you can cut the around.) the idea of Hinduism. It was sort of an
elliptical orbit, (Do everything you can to keep from repeating words in a short. A novel is fine, repeat all you want because there are a hundred pages to bury it in. In a short story though, the foundation of your narrative is really based on a short and sweet appreciation of the scene. If you keep using the same words, it becomes grating to the mental ear.) in which he moved on from it for a while, but was soon drawn back to it, only to be sent off in another direction.

       Alex grabbed a cup of yogurt from the refrigerator.

Strawberry. The
chunks were fun to crush with a spoon and eat them slowly.(This is a great description, it adds a lot of flavor (hyuk hyuk.) and personality to the character, however see the note at the end on this.)
       "Hello?" Ray had asked with a strong tone of impatience (You don't need to mention the strength or that it is a tone in his voice. Weak impatience is a whine, impatience itself is strong when it comes through. The reader will intone this, and put the petulence you're trying to get across in there without you needing to guide them.) in his voice.

       With a quick, unpredicted gasp, Alex replied, "Oh, sorry! I was just
eating some yogurt."
       "Strawberry?" Ray asked, attempting to strike up another
conversation.
       "Well, what can I say? I like..."
       "Crushing the chunks, I know." He cut her off with an unpleasant form
of superiority. This was a sign, Alex knew from experience, that he
was nervous. In most cases when he took on a dominating personality,
there was some awkward topic that he simply had to bring up.

Past

examples of this included asking her on a date, asking her for any

kind of life advice, or asking to borrow money from her. (Her, her, her. This sentence focuses on Alex, so you can say. "Past examples includ asking her on a date, asking for advice, or asking to borrow money." and it works much more streamlined. Her/She/He/Him/His/Hers/Himself/Herself can slow down a sentence, and really throw off the beat.)
       Not wishing to retain this  awful anxiety any longer, Alex spoke. (Awkward)
       "Are you O.K?" A simple and short question that fulfilled her part in
the conversation. (No real need to say this, the answer is self explanatory.) This kind of topic always excited her. She could

rarely ever predict what Ray was going to say when he took on this
mindset.
       Ray let out a sigh straight into the phone, creating a

surprisingly
annoying (Too much, instead of telling the reader what they are supposed to feel, use a single word that gets the point across. A "Grating" static, a "Shrill" static, describe the static, not the emotion it brings. If you describe it well enough, the annoying part of it comes across without the need to state it.) static sound on Alex's end of the line. She pushed the phone

away from her ear and shook her head in an attempt to rid her brain of
the sound waves. She quickly realized that without the phone next to
her ear, she would not be able to hear what Ray was about to confide
in her. She brought the phone back to her ear, too quickly however,
because she slammed it into the side of her head, forcing her to let

out a small wince. (Repeat of her, ear, and phone a lot. Four phones, twelve "Hers/Shes", three ears. Just gotta read it outloud and you'll catch the repeats very easily.)

       "I don't really know how to say this," He quietly piped. This is how
he always started. "But I'm leaving."
       "Oh, Jesus, Ray," Alex let our her own sigh. "You had me worried for
a while there. Where are you..."
       "No, you don't understand! I'm leaving. Leaving leaving. As in,
goodbye. Goodbye as in I'll email, hope you reply, but don't feel too
bad if you don't. That goodbye."
       "When...whe..er...whahm..." Words seemed to be entangled in her
mind's state of confusion. Ray had never been this upfront about
anything.

Finally, four slightly unwanted words sprung from her lips.
"Where are you going?" (No need for slightly, and figure out a better way to word it.)

       "Of all people, I would have thought that you could have figured it

out. I'm going to New Delhi. I can't expel  (Deny, refuse, ignore, there are a lot of good words. Expel I don't think is a good description for it. Personally.) Hinduism from my life any
more. I'm going to become a monk. (As a personal aside, they don't call themselves monks in Hinduism, they'd be called either a sanyāsī, sādhu, or swāmi.) I just wanted to say goodbye a few times to you. I know you don't like saying goodbyes, so I'll do it for

you." He took an elongated breath, and attempted his best impression
of Alex's voice: "Bye Ray!"
       The next sound that she heard was the slow, satisfied nasal breath
that meant that Ray was smiling. It was followed by the clumsy

collapse of the phone, a task Alex  (This is Ray laying down the phone right? So is it Ray who has never mastered it? Or Alex. Because Alex sets down the phone in the next paragraph, and this is a GREAT character detail, I like it, but it should be with the action, rather than preceding it.) had never mastered.

       Alex lay the receiver on the machine, turned around, scooped up the
yogurt cup once again, and without looking, began to mindlessly stab
the strawberry chunks as she headed back to her desk. She collapsed on
the floor just in front of her chair.
       "Bye Alex."

-------------

Really good, I like it a lot. The only note I wanted to put down here was that you use the internal dialogue or the narration to describe her enjoyment of stabbing the strawberries. What would be better, is if you remove the first mention of it. Keep the strawyberry and mention it being her favorite. Have her start mulling around with the Yogurt, then have Ray mention why she enjoys that style the most. Afterwards, it makes the fact that she is doing it at the end almost a homage to how well Ray knows/knew her.

I hope you don't take this harshly, I really did enjoy the story. I just see the hint of something you can refine and make even more engrossing...

Hopefully that's what you're here for. If not, just let us know and I'll comment solely on the concept behind the writing.
--
The phoenix is the only thing to rise and never descend, and while everything changes. Nothing is truly lost.

[Wraygun]

I enjoyed it! Only once or twice was I pulled out of the story by
something that seemed exaggerated or unnatural (e.g. bringing the
phone so hard to her ear that she hurt it).

Good work!