Khairukum Khairukum Li Ahlihi In Arabic

[Julian Gladyshev]

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During both pregnancies I didn't find things easy at all. Even mopping our room became a burden for me because I was always feeling uncomfortable. Honestly the condition made it difficult for me to keep the house well.

My husband unfortunately is not the type who gets the opportunity to help at home because his work always takes him out of town, and he would always accuse me of being lazy and untidy. He told me I was the reason he is no more coming home with his friends.

Sheikh because of this I went to do family planning without his knowledge. I believe that the two children are enough for us. He has found out and is threatening to divorce me if I don't stop, but I told him I'll never stop it to please him.

How can I give birth to more than two children in this economic condition, coupled with the fact that my husband will not give me a helping hand with my chores? Did Allah create us to come and suffer?

This lady has already provided her reasons why she would prefer divorce to adding even one more child. So now I am wondering why she wrote to seek your counsel. She has made up her mind!

I can palpate, from her 'fuming' , bye-product of Western conditioning. As a very young muslim (mashaa Allah ) with five children , I find her 'in this economic condition' in totall disbelief to......"ما من دابة الا علي رزقها......".

Having said that, I am acutely aware of Quranic assurance, " لايكلف الله نفسا الا وسعها...." I am a doctor by profession. I believe in family planning but I dont believe in birth control. I also dont believe that you bring forth children when you do not have any means of sustenance. Once you are working and you are not lazy, the issue of sustenance is non of your business. I can see that sustenance is, alhamdullillah, a non issue under subject of discussion here?

Let me share my experience with this lady. May Allah forgive me if I appear to blow my trumpet, that is certainly not the intention .....and may you dear reader also forgive me.

I have three degrees in two fields. I got married 3 months after my first degree. In between each degree my wife gave birth to all five kids. My wife is a working woman and through all these, she continue to work. Am not, by any standard, rich but Iam(alhamdullillah) very comfortable . This is my answer to the lady's disbelieving cry, "in this economic condition "; a living practical proof of the Divine assurance, "..ما من دابة في الارض الا علي الله رزقها.."

If she cares to know this is a clear symptom of western conditioning, that swore to go against anything and everything Islam holds dear.

To the husband, I can understand him but i strongly disagree with his posture. Your wife is not an incubator. Even incubators do well only under constant repair and maintenance . You can ask the CEO of Akate Farms in Kumasi, Mr Akate.!!!!! Lol......

My lady, you should be proud and grateful for this invit. Child bearing is an enviable Divine invitation to partake in creating humanbeing which Allah extends to only select few. That is why when a muslim woman dies during child birth she is considered as a martyr. Child bearing is no child play. I was with my wife during her first child birth. At the height of labour she squeezed my wrist in an excrutiating pain and I could feel my bones breaking. I swore then never to take her through that again. But as you now know, the rest is history.

My dear brother, marriage, like all business deals, requires tactical negotiation. As I said child bearing is a foretaste of death and since you have never carried any child for nine months, take good counsel from qualified brothers. She loves to bear you more children. But how can you support her to do that?

Pregnancy makes her weak. Is it possible to arrange for temporary caregiver during her pregnancy? Is possible for you to take up some of house chore? Wallahi, at a stage in my wife's first pregnancy I would bathe and serve her meal in bed!! My dear brother, this is an opportunity to explore your love relations in ways that comes your way once every long while.....your wife is not your slave for heaven sake. She is your partner....please make Rasullullah (saw)proud because this is his sunna and he(saw) says, 'khairukum, khiairun li ahlihi....'

I hope the couple find my advice worth considering. As you both go into negotiation on the way forward, I urge you to be guided and mindful of the following ...."ان الدين يسرلا عسر" which is an illuminating prophetic footnote to a Quranic sayings, "...ما جعل الله عليكم في الدين من حرج..." and...يريد الله بكم اليسر ولا يريد بكم العسر...."

Where we are successful may Allah give the sawaab to our shuyuukh and where we fault may He rquit our mistakes because we are responsible . Wassalaam

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