Tool Definitions

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Spokeshave

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Apr 17, 1998, 3:00:00 AM4/17/98
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Tools...

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing leather goods.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads and
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16
or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in
about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car
upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your
boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have
forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying
tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs
at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be
used, as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago
by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.


--
~
John
http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Pointe/1824/
Please post follow-ups to the group.

Thomas Bunetta

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Apr 19, 1998, 3:00:00 AM4/19/98
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ROTFLMAO
Bravo... well done!
Tom,
Maker of Fine Sawdust and Thin Shavings!

Patrick Daniels

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Apr 19, 1998, 3:00:00 AM4/19/98
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John -

The "Post Of The Year" contest is over and it's only April.

Pat

Spokeshave <g*nte...@ctron.com> wrote:

>Tools...

>HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
> is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not
> far from the object we are trying to hit.

<snip>

WoodGuy

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Apr 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM4/21/98
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I just wet my britches! Greatest post seen in a while!

More! More!

Woo...@aol.com

Jerry Twomey

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Apr 21, 1998, 3:00:00 AM4/21/98
to

WoodGuy wrote:


Could someone re-post this please ?

- thanks, Jerry

Spokeshave

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Apr 22, 1998, 3:00:00 AM4/22/98
to

ONLY on one condition...
We work to develop a similar list for WoodWorking tools!
(it should not be THAT hard to do, given the warpes sesnes of humor
lurking out there ;-)

Tools...

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.

J.F.Milliken

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Apr 22, 1998, 3:00:00 AM4/22/98
to

Spokeshave wrote in message <353DDF75...@ctron.com>...


>Jerry Twomey wrote:
>>
>> WoodGuy wrote:
>>
>> > I just wet my britches! Greatest post seen in a while!
>> >
>> > More! More!
>> >
>> > Woo...@aol.com
>>
>> Could someone re-post this please ?
>
>ONLY on one condition...
>We work to develop a similar list for WoodWorking tools!
>(it should not be THAT hard to do, given the warpes sesnes of humor
>lurking out there ;-)

Well, as warped as I am-
>
>Tools...
>
>HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer continues to be
the tool of choice for making medium sized circular depressions in wooden
surfaces of all
kinds.

>
> UTILITY KNIFE: Used to slice through the fingers. For purposes of
sanitation, the blades are easily replacable

>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for stirring paint, this can also, with
the proper accessories, destroy perfectly good wood in many ways.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads, break thumbscrews and wing nuts on
older woodworking machinery of all kinds. A subcategory of this definition
is NEEDLENOSE PLIERS: These are an unusual tool with a very unusual
property-when you need them they become invisible. See also NAILSET.
>
> SABER SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board


> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
> unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
> course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads and

> crush irreplaceable parts.
>
> BRAD POINT BITS: Used with the ELECTRIC HAND DRILL to make crooked,
misaligned holes with flat bottoms.

FORSTNER BITS: Larger holes.

> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching

> stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
> chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against

> that freshly finished part you were drying.
>
> SANDERS:
BELT SANDER: Used for making rectangular gouges in wood.

PAD SANDER: Used for easing the edges of the rectangular gouges.

RANDOM ORBIT SANDER: Used for removing the marks left by the PAD SANDER,
usually on any surface perpendicular to the original gouge. May also be used
to make semicircular gouges in wood.

DETAIL SANDER:Makes triangular gouges, generally in blind corners where no
amount
of hand sanding can fix them.


>
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>

> PHONE: Tool for calling your brother-in-law to see if he has your CLAMPS
.
>
> TABLE SAW. Used to make wood slightly narrower than necessary.

MITER SAW: Used to make wood slightly shorter than necessary.

THICKNESS PLANER: Used to make wood slightly thinner than necessary.

JOINTER: Used to make the too thin, too short, too narrow wood perfectly
straight. Very useful for making two sides of a board perfectly straight but
non-parallell.


>
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
>a
> drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
>vitamin,"
> which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health
> benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs
>at
> about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
>during,
> say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often
>dark
> than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>

> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Used to make textured marks in wooden surfaces.

SLOTTED SCREWDRIVER: Used to pry recalcitrant bolts and machine parts. Also
useful for cleaning wood dust out of crevices.


>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
> coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into

> compressed air that travels by hose to a nail gun, which promptly puts the
nail through a wire and halts the process with a bright blue flash. While
this system will light your shop, it does not do so for any length of time.

PRY BAR: See SLOTTED SCREWDRIVER.
>


WORKBENCH: These are a form of tool with three stages;
1) An old door nailed to a pair of sawhorses of slightly differing height.
This is then used in the making of-

2) The European style workbench. Finely joined, with very expensive hardware
(vises and the like), this is a project that takes a year or so to
construct. Fine hardwoods must be found, miscut and replaced, hardware must
be misaligned and bent, finish must be redone several times. When complete,
it is a true masterpiece, and therefore remains in the center of the
workshop under a dust cover (to prevent scratches) or else is placed in the
center of the living room and dusted regularly (see SWMBO). Real work is
done on-

3) A slightly more battered door nailed to a pair of sawhorses.....

DUST COLLECTON SYSTEM: Machine used to mix small parts with sawdust and
shavings in a large canister or bag.

BISCUIT JOINER: Tool used to misalign wood in a very consistent manner which
can then be sanded heavily (See BELT SANDER).

CHISEL: Multi use tool-good for making deep cuts in the hand or driving
slotted screws.

POWER SCREWDRIVER: Used for rounding out Phillips screwheads at high speed.

CORDLESS DRILL: Related to NEEDLENOSE PLIERS in that whenever this tool is
needed the battery is dead.

ROUTER: Used to darken wood by friction and make smoke. For this latter
purpose, it replaces the incense used by primitive woodworking cultures who
wished to influence the woodworking deities. When used with a ROUTER TABLE
this tool can be used to make varying profiles using a single bit and a
single depth setting.

TAPE MEASURE: This device is used to measure length. It should be
immediately dropped onto concrete several times so that measurements made
with it will then agree with every other TAPE MEASURE in the world.

STRAIGHT EDGE: Long, thin piece of steel or other hard material, this is
useful for scraping large surfaces.

RECIPROCATING SAW: This tool is designed to make crude cuts in demolition
work. It is therefore not all that surprising that it often cuts perfectly
straight.

CIRCULAR SAW: This tool has three purposes.

1) Making almost straight cuts in wood.

2) Making strange-smelling smoke when in use.

3) Removing excess digits. Unexcelled for this purpose.

MORTISING MACHINE: Used to make square holes, sometimes where they are meant
to be.

TENONING JIG: Used to make parts of a piece of wood into a size which will
just fit into the mortise made with the MORTISING MACHINE.

DEADBLOW HAMMER or MALLET: Used to enlarge the pieces made with the TENONING
JIG so that they are just barely too big to fit into a mortise.

RABBET PLANE: Used to change the 'slightly oversized' tenon (See DEADBLOW
HAMMER) to greatly undersized.

NAILSET: Used to make small, round depressions around the head of a finish
nail. Principally used for decoration.

CLAMPS: These come in two sizes:too small and loaned to an in-law.

WOOD STOVE: Originally designed to heat the workshop, these have evolved
into a foolproof system for disposing of botched pieces of wood. This is one
of the great advantages of woodworking over metalworking, as the only
similar device in metalworking is a FOUNDRY.

WOOD STORAGE RACK: This is a device for keeping wood dry and protected on
its way to the WOOD STOVE.


>
>
>
>
>--
>~

Larry Jaques

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Apr 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM4/23/98
to

Spokeshave <g*nte...@ctron.com> wrote:

>> Could someone re-post this please ?
>
>ONLY on one condition...
>We work to develop a similar list for WoodWorking tools!
>(it should not be THAT hard to do, given the warpes sesnes of humor
>lurking out there ;-)

Hey, you talkin'bout me, bud?


>Tools...
--major snippage--
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads and ~

This is proven on the video tape used for the newest Searz vise-grip
style pliers. Look at the nuts on their bicycle hub the next time you
see the commercial. The idiots in the video not only attach the pliers
BACKWARDS, they stripped the holy hell out of the nuts shown. Be sure
to look for that in Crapsman commercials. It's hilarious! (And SAD!)
"Howdy, my name is Boob Vila. Trust me!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------
The more we gripe, * http://diversify.com/ljaques/stees.html
the longer God makes us live. * Graphic Design - Humorous T-shirts

Don Groves

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Apr 23, 1998, 3:00:00 AM4/23/98
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Bar Clamp:

A device used to help glue up two or more narrow boards into
a wider panel. A special feature ensures that the final
turn of the last clamp will cause the two centermost boards
to slip 1/8" out of alignnment.
--
Don Groves
grovesATacmDOTorg

Students mastering Oneness will advance to Twoness (Woody Allen)

Ed Fielding

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Apr 24, 1998, 3:00:00 AM4/24/98
to Spokeshave

Just finished reading your re-post of tool definitions, and HAVE to say
it's one of the best pieces that I've read on this ng. I read thru that
thing and thought to myself "self, now there's a guy who's done some of
the same stuff that I've done". ESPECIALLY the hacksaw and vicegrips.
Well done. Keep 'em coming!!


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