COACH LARRY, THE MOVIE

[Charlatang]

Table tennis icon Larry Hodge has recently agreed to a $5 million
dollar deal for COACH LARRY THE MOVIE in which he will supply
technical advice and do cameos.  Of corse,  it complicated things when
a great deal of the movie is about Mr. Hodges and what a total buffoon
that he had been in the past.

To this Coach Larry says:
"Yeeess! Yeees!  I know that I completely sold out to the sponge
rubber manufactures and their dealers, but what can a person do who
can't get a good  job in another field with NORMAL [laughter] people.
 I mean, GQ's slam on me was dead-on,  saying that I had a personality
somewhere between a high-functioning autistic and a social misfit.
 That really hurt at the time.  But that's all changed now thanks to
my good friend Ed Ball who got
me to change my diet, do a colon cleanse--[copious laughter] 10-foot
tape worm in a bottle over the mantle at home--and got me  into yoga--
Chris Reed, Reed's Ginger Brew,  is personally chauffeuring me to Sri
Sri Shankar's "Secrets of Meditation"  program, April 19-21, LA
Ashram.  Thanks, Chris!  Love you Pundaji!!!"

Coach Larry says that his focus in life has completely changed since
the cleanse and the the movie in offing, Coach Larry saying the key to
the movie's success is the script,  "the scenes are terse, well
written" and that the Liha (Sandpaper) revolution is the film's theme.

The film was written by Mr. Charlie Kaufman.  Mr. Kaufman says of the
script, "It's an American-Philipino black comedy-fantasy.  I'm
especially proud the of the Marty Reisman-Peter Cua age-regression
series.  These table tennis revolutionaries are the Fathers of
Postmodern Liha. They deserve their day in the sun."

Mr Kelmer has been taking Liha lessons from Ms Tawny Banh and Ms
Crystal Huang at their El Monte club.  "The Girls are the best
instructors I've ever had, and I've had  first-rated instructors in
other sports, karate, yoga, skiing."  He said that The Girls have one
of the best Liha scenes in the movie that show the hard and soft
element  of Liha:  Ms Banh, the "power player," hitting hard into Ms
Huang's  defensive, "control-player" game.

In this scene, seasoned actor and US National Hardbat Champion Adoni
Maropis oversees the match, playing "a real hard-ass Lord Shiva."

Mr Kelmer said, "The modern flat-sponge is a total sham, a total bore.
When I see Tawny and Crystal play the modern sponge game--I don't
know--how can anyone get into a one-dimensional, 2-ball game? Nothing
to watch.  The Girls have a repertoire of stroke that are tantalizing
to behold in Liha.  Crystal chop-blocking, Tawny feigning a flick.
 It's poetry in motion."

Against all wishes of Mr Hodges, a subplot,  which binds the story
together, was inserted into the script about a love story based on
Diego Schaaf and his wife National Coach Wei Wang , who will
reportedly be played by Richard Starkey (Ringo Starr, laconic Beatles'
drummer) and an A-list hottie.  The Tip Top Cowboy (Starkey) has some
laugh-out-loud scenes with his "uncontrolled indoor re-gluing fetish"
in the lovebirds USATT players' lounge.

Larry Hodges , in his last interview with me last week, said the
following:

"Ed Ball has been incredibly accurate. His information is
incontrovertible. In controvertible.  Sure he make little mistakes or
gets a number wrong.   Sure, but overall he's been trying to tell the
truth.  Many people are figuring that out.  I'm  just so glad that the
Santa Monica College Foundation had the sense to put Ed's table tennis
expose "How to Bring Classic Hardbat Table Tennis to [SMC] in the
hands of a movie mogul who could make it into a blockbuster that it
will be...26-pages,   Ed writing it for a SMC journalism class,
2001..Ed Ball's got an incredible record of being accurate and the
COACH LARRY THE MOVIE will show this.
Yes.  I admit it: Coach Sean O'Neill and I  were not good for the
trendy Schaafs.  We have both intervened on Ed's behave.  I'm so glad
to say that he's now training at the Schaafs' West LA Club, both Diego
and Ed best of friend now.  [Laughter] Diego is 5-days into a fast
with a colonic  irrigation scheduled 5:00, today. Oh, almost forgot--
both Wei and Diego are technical advisors for filming."

Mr. Ball was too busy giving Liha lessons to be interview, but he was
relieved that "certain simple misunderstanding had been
resolved. " Then, over the phone he sang in a loud whisper, "Liha.
The most beautiful sound I ever heard
LIHA, LIHA, LIHA, LIHA and the line went dead.

Yours in Liha,

Clinton Charlatang
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