[WCW[ The Netcop "Old Glory" Thunder Rant, 10-14-99
Scott Keith
Note to Mark Madden: Kevin and Shawn don't insert editorial comments in
YOUR columns on WrestleLine, so I'd hope you'd do me the same courtesy
for my columns on YOUR site.
- Live from Baton Rouge, LA
- Your hosts are Mike Tenay, Larry Zbyszko, and Kevin Nash (?). Nash
points out that everyone thought he was a terrible booker, but he booked
himself in the best angle of all -- retirement. And that's the first of
about 19 breaches of kayfabe in his commentary, which I think is a new
record of some sort.
- Opening match: Hacksaw Duggan v. Buddy Lee Parker. Nice to see WCW
still putting that effort into making Thunder a better show. I mean,
what the HELL? Nash notes that Duggan "always finds a way to stay
over". The match is about what you'd expect, which Duggan finishes with
the "Old Glory" kneedrop at 4:18, which kicks off the night's big
running joke, as Nash then starts calling EVERYTHING "Old Glory" such-
and-such. It's pretty damn funny, actually. The match isn't, however…
DUD
- Al Greene v. Lash LaRoux. Hey, hometown push for Lash as he faces a
jobber, lucky me. Lash hits Whiplash at 2:12 for the pin. Congrats,
Lash, you just squashed someone. 1/4*
- Lex Luger & Liz are out for a promo, and Luger does a pretty effective
job of getting over as a heel by noting that he doesn't know why they
had to bother showing up for a town like Baton Rouge. I love shoot
interviews that aren't supposed to be shoot interviews. Buff Bagwell
comes out to interrupt (bringing his own mic) and challenges Lex to a
match next week. Rick Steiner attacks, and La Parka (!?) makes the
save. That is apparently our main event tonight.
- The First Family v. Steve & Scott Armstrong. These guys apparently
have a pretty cool program going over on WCWSN, but you wouldn't know it
from this. Lethargic squash, finished with the moonsault at 4:08. 1/2*
- Kevin Nash brings us his version of Mystery Science Theater 3000,
overdubbing his own, uh, insightful commentary on a Goldberg-Sid hilight
package. The commentary was way more entertaining ("The giant bald man
hits the spear on the man from Michigan who talks like a southern
redneck" to name one) than the actual events going on.
- Horace v. Brian Adams. Well, that about does it for the nWo. Adams
has shaved off the goatee, but now has a ripoff version of "Living Dead
Girl" for his music. Adams gets a good start, but Horace kicks him low
with an "Old Glory" ballshot and takes over. See, you can play at home,
too, just like Nash. Clothesline off the second rope gets two. Adams
comes back with a press slam and backbreaker for two. Horace hits a
splash for two, but puts his head down and gets hit with a nasty looking
piledriver that ends it at 4:01. That looked BAD. And may I just ask
who gives a crap about either guy? *
- And now Lash LaRoux gets to CUT A PROMO? This show is like Chinese
water torture without the consistency of the dripping. And then, just
to annoy me, he proceeds to use a fake-sounding Cajun accent, not
MINUTES after I finished watching Friends, where Ross tried to impress
his class by using a fake British accent and got taken to task for it.
Synchronicity, sez I. But then it's been that kind of show so far.
Nothing of note is said, except to remind everyone that Lash doesn't
have a hope in hell of beating Disco at Havoc.
- Prince Iaukea v. Berlyn. Can I just get ONE competitive match
tonight? Suddenly, Nash goes into ultra-shoot mode, positing that the
main event was booked this afternoon because half the roster didn't show
up. Tenay nearly kills himself laughing and declares it the "all-shoot
edition of Thunder". The commentary gets funnier and funnier as they
totally ignore the match and just cut loose, with Nash talking about
revamping WCWSN's second hour into a musical variety hour with him and
Hall, because there aren't enough of those anymore. I was personally
losing it by the end of the match, which was a brisk 3:45 squash with
the neckbreaker. 1/4*
- Meng video package. Must be that time of year again -- the Annual
Meng Push.
- Luther Biggs v. Meng. I'll give him two minutes. He only needs 1:18.
DUD Nash notes that "no one's gonna beat him after getting a sweet
video package like that". I think they finally may have found a role
for Nash where he can help the company.
- Perry Saturn v. Rey Mysterio Jr. Oh my god, could it finally be a
good match? Rey hits a couple of moonsaults to control early, then the
bronobuster. Nash: "Oh, can you check my inseam?" Saturn hits him
with a "Porterhouse suplex" (a rare variation of the T-Bone, according
to Nash) and works an armbar. Another suplex from Saturn, who is being
exceptionally dickish tonight. He drops Rey on his head with a Dragon
suplex, but Rey comes back with a flying headscissors. He goes for a
top rope rana, but Saturn powerbombs him off. Rey hits a quick rollup
to win it at 5:48, however. What is this, the freakin' WWF? Gimme
something longer than 6 minutes for once this week! **1/4 Saturn pulls
out his trusty chain and nails everything that moves.
- Rick Steiner & Lex Luger v. Buff Bagwell & La Parka. Big brawl to
start. Steiner uses La Parka's chair against him, and beats him up a
bunch. What a shock there. Luger adds some more punishment. Bagwell
gets the hot tag, but decides that La Parka isn't worth his time as a
partner and turns on him, then walks out. No decision announced, match
was 5:25. DUD End of show right there.
The Bottom Line: Thank god for Kevin Nash. When did you ever think
you'd hear me say that? To quote the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons:
Worst episode ever. Take 90% of this crap, stick it on Worldwide, and
leave me the hell alone.
Halloween Havoc is next week, and I gotta say I'm rapidly losing
interest as WCW bobbles the ball with this one. I mean, who cares about
Hogan-Sting anymore? Goldberg and Sid are busy crushing each other's
cars or something. Brad Armstrong and Berlyn are in a featured match,
as if anyone has a doubt who's winning there. Harlem Heat fights the
First Family of Donuts, and that's pretty much a no-win situation for
WCW. If you put the Heat over, it's dull, and if you put the fatboys
over it's retarded, so who cares? Benoit fights Steiner in a match that
MAY not suck depending on how generous Steiner is feeling. At least I'm
reasonably sure Benoit isn't jobbing. About all I'm interested in
seeing is if Bret can get a good match out of Luger and what DDP and
Flair can do.
Scott "Netcop" Keith / ske...@home.com / ICQ # 28819658
www.WrestleLine.com contributor and Co-Mod of RSPWM
www.Rantsylvania.com : Your One-Stop Netcop Shop! The RSPW FAQ, Rant
Archives, and much more all in one!
Darien Allen
<ske...@home.com> we were graced with this statement:
>to win it at 5:48, however. What is this, the freakin' WWF? Gimme
>something longer than 6 minutes for once this week! **1/4 Saturn pulls
>out his trusty chain and nails everything that moves.
Not yet...but it will be... :)
Bottom line: Nash's commentary carried this show.
------------------------
Darien Allen
ICQ-2927081
Mark Nixon
(Darien Allen) wrote:
>Now at the time of Fri, 15 Oct 1999 02:40:49 -0700 (PDT), Scott Keith
><ske...@home.com> we were graced with this statement:
>
>>to win it at 5:48, however. What is this, the freakin' WWF? Gimme
>>something longer than 6 minutes for once this week! **1/4 Saturn pulls
>>out his trusty chain and nails everything that moves.
>
>Not yet...but it will be... :)
>
>Bottom line: Nash's commentary carried this show.
>
>
He was funny at first, but got very tiring very quickly. He buggered
up the few good things in the show.
>------------------------
>
>Darien Allen
>ICQ-2927081
>
Un montréalais living in Denmark