Only My Opinion Matters

[Rick D. Silver]

Well, this will be a little more exciting than the actual
Wrestlemania predictions that I made the other day, because it's time
to play "YOU BE THE BOOKER!" (or, in this case, "I BE THE BOOKER!").

1)Headshrinkers vs. Steiners:
This match stinks any way you book it. Therefore, it should be
mercifully short. As far as I know, there is not one fan left on the
face of "God's Green Earth (tm)" that will pay good money to see the
Steineroiders on a house show. This is good news for my booking
plans. Unfortunately, I don't think fans are falling all over
themselves to see the Headshrinkers eat raw chickens. So here's the
deal...This match is short and less brutal than it could be, with a
whole bunch of nice headbutt comedy spots. Unfortunately for Scotty
Steiner, his thick arms aren't as thick as the Samoans' thick heads
and he falls prey to a double headbutt from the top rope.
Headshrinkers by clean pinfall.

2)Lex "Stiff" Luger vs. Mr. "Lawler" Perfect:
The sad thing is that if Perfect was still Perfect and Luger was still
WCW Champion this match would be a dream. Luger has already received
the "Way too early, way too undeserved" push that only a top babyface
like Hogan should get. Therefore, I suppose it would look really
awful to have him lose. It's a sad thing, because if Perfect would
have been built up properly and SLOWLY since he turned face, he could
have put fans in the seats as the next long-term champion. Oh, well.
Both of these guys are already lost in the shuffle. Too bad they
aren't going to jump somewhere else in the near future. Like into
their old personas. This match just reeks of bad booking. So we
throw a monkey wrench in...Perfect pins him clean with a perfect-plex,
but afterwards, Luger realizes that this gay gimmick is just not for
him, so he rips the silly straps off of his arms, grabs his mirror,
and busts it over the unsuspecting skull of Curt Hennig. Hennig
blades all over the place and Luger piledrives him and powerslams him
and puts him in the Rack (tm) and grabs the mike and says that "The
Narcissist is dead, and long live the Total Package!" We all go home
happy.

3)BAM BAM! BAM BAM! BAM BAM! vs. "Offense Man" Kamala
Good time to go out to the urinals and talk about the fabulous angle
that took place only moments ago. This match is also too vile to
comprehend, so it's really, really, REALLY quick. Kamala gets
destroyed left and right and they brawl all over the place and
hopefully, Bigelow will sell for the Big Man. For the second time,
the nice diving headbutt off of the top rope is used as a finisher on
the hapless Ugandan. Bam Bam also drags Slick in and yells at him for
making him fight the One Man Gang all those times back in 1988, and
gives him that silly Power Bomb over the knee. He gloats and splashes
the poor manager and Bret "didn't I have a feud with this guy?" Hart
runs in with a chair to chase the madman off.

4)Giant Gonzalez vs. The Undertaker:
They choke and choke and choke and Undertaker no-sells and Gonzales
no-sells and they fight and bore us to death until Undertaker
tombstones Gonzalez and he KICKS OUT and Undertaker tries to get the
body bag anyway and gets throat-slammed and pinned. But he sits up
and scares the hell out of everyone.

I just realized that four heels in a row have won. Notice already the
difference between the actual Wrestlemania plans and my plans.

5)Shawn Michaels vs. Tatanka:
This should be a good match, but Shawn has a nasty habit of choking
really bad on pay-per-views. Tatanka usually turns it up a notch,
however, and he better, because he wins the I-C Title with his silly
Papoose to Go thing. Tatanka doesn't deserve it, by the way, but he
is the only WWF wrestler besides (maybe) Bret Hart and the MegaManiacs
that is getting a proper push. So we have a new I-C champ and Shawn
can take a few weeks off.

INTERMISSION!

6)Jerry Lawler vs. Tenryu:
This should be really good if Lawler can get on the crowd. And he
can. If Lawler gives Tenryu a Piledriver, I'll go home happy. The
outcome of this match doesn't really matter, but just to keep it
interesting, I'll have Lawler get screwed and lose by some cheap
countout decision. Then he can throw a really good tantrum and Tenryu
can drop-kick him out of the ring and for the FIRST TIME a Japanese
wrestler can get a pop in the WWF.

7)Doink vs. Crush:
DOINK RULES! DOINK RULES! DOINK RULES! (Doink rules.)

8)Mega-Maniacs vs. Money, Inc:
This should be at least entertaining. Unfortunately, Irwin R. "Hey, I
wanted to be Doink but they made me slick my hair back" Schyster has
to work most of the match. But since DiBiase is leaving, he gets the
big legdrop for the 1-2-3 and we have new tag team champions.

We go back for an interview with Bret Hart, who gets ambushed by Bam
Bam Bigelow, who throws fire in his face and generally makes life
miserable for the Champion.

Yokozuna is in-ring waiting for Bret, and it is said that if Bret
doesn't make it out in two minutes, he will forfiet the WWF Title to
the Yoko Man. Of course he makes it out and gets destroyed, but
luckily for him Hacksaw Jim Duggan is in the audience. Somehow Fuji
and the ref get into an argument and Yoko throws salt in Bret's face
just as he begins to come back and he sits on him in the corner and
gets greedy and goes for a second butt drop and somehow the ref is
distracted and Duggan breaks the 2x4 over Yoko's head and he falls
from the top and Bret Hart make the Big Comeback and wins via pinfall.
Yoko and Duggan begin brawling and Bam Bam runs out and the faces
clear the ring and celebrate.

WHO THINKS THIS IS BETTER THAN WHAT VINCE HAS IN STORE? AGREE or
DISAGREE? THEN EMAIL ME, DAMN IT!

rsi...@trident.usacs.rutgers.edu

BTW, if I forgot any matches...oops!

-Rockin' Rick Silver
RPWA HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION

[Rick D. Silver]

To begin today's installment, we must talk about the aberration that
occured last night. In order to do this, we must first clear any
biases that we may have had about the participants involved.

With those biases out of the way, let me make it clear that last
night's disgusting, ridiculous blunder of an angle has forever
stripped the WWF and its once-prestigious World Heavyweight
Championship of whatever class it may have had.

I can remember when the dream of every aspiring pro wrestler was to
hold either the NWA title or the WWF title. This is when the titles
were legacies, held for years at a time by such legends as Harley
Race, Ric Flair, Bob Backlund, and, yes, even The Incredible Hulk
Hogan. Now, the fantasy revolves around a quick pay day with no
thought given to the future angles or bookings.

It is that element, the rich past tradition, which has been phased
away from the world of professional wrestling. In the seventies and
early eighties, Harley Race and Bob Backlund were the cornerstones of
their respective promotions. Everything moved slowly and angles were
given time to develop. When these men passed the torch to Ric Flair
and Hulk Hogan, new dynasties began. Things came and went, but you
always knew who owned the heavyweight championship of the world.

Now, with the flip-flops almost every week of titles, people turning
left and right, and ridiculous characters, wrestling has lost the
magic spark it used to have. People don't pop for good angles or good
wrestlers anymore. They have been educated to spring for hot moves
and cartoon characters. Almost every match at WMIX was a black pool
of dead heat. That's too bad, because some of the wrestlers in the
ring that night worked their asses off to give a good wrestling match
in spite of the horrendous booking.

I hate to stick a plug in for my own federation, but it has to be
done. The JWA is the only promotion I think I know of in which bad
guys are bad guys, good guys are good guys, and the cartoons take a
back seat to the angle and character development. There have been
angles that have taken the better part of two years to fully develop.
Every character has a place and a direction. There is never a loss
of action, either. I am not saying by any means that the JWA is a
perfect promotion. I mean, we wrestle out in a field of grass...but I
am sure of one thing...if our booker, Joe Rules, was working for WWF
or WCW, it would be a hell of a lot more exciting than it is today.

What WWF and WCW needs is not new talent...it is a new, steady booker
and guaranteed contracts to make the business work. It is almost
frightening that I can say with no reservations that I am happier
being a mid-level wrestler in a backyard promotion than I would be
being WWF champion. At least I have my dignity.

And my RPWA World Heavyweight Title.

Long live Backyard Wrestling--our only true hope.

Rockin' Rick Silver

Still proud to be a wrestling fan...