[WWF] The Netcop Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1996
Scott Keith
--
Netcop Rant homepage: http://www.planet.eon.net/~skeith/rant.htmlThe Netcop
Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1996.
- Live from Fresno, CA
- Your hosts are Vince and Perfect.
- Free 4 All match: Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Duke Droese. Winner gets
to enter #30, loser gets #1. Duke looks decent enough to start and HHH
sells a lot, which is a good thing. This was the debut of the Free 4
All, btw. HHH mixes a single-arm DDT into his usual 4 moves, although he
does it twice which lessens the moment somehow. HHH works on the arm
and draws (you guessed it) no heat. I'm still amazed that he didn't get
fired six months into his tenure. Big ol' armbar. The upper reaches of
the arena look really empty. HHH continues working on the arm, and goes
to the top but of course blows it. Duke with the superman comeback (and
he shows three times as many moves as Helmsley) but HHH reverses the
Trash Compactor, then gets suplexed for his troubles. Ref gets bumped
from the corner and HHH waffles him with an international object and
gets the pin. Relatively long FFA match at 9 minutes. BUT WAIT!
Gorilla Monsoon waddles down to ringside and reverses the decision,
which of course doesn't have any actual prescedence in wrestling but
whatever. Not a terrible match. *1/2
- Opening match: Jeff Jarrett v. Ahmed Johnson. This was JJ's first
aborted attempt at a WWF comeback before jumping to WCW and somehow
ending up worse off. There was some sort of angle behind this, but let's
face it, no one cares. This was in fact one of the feuds JJ was
bitching about in his quasi-shoot interview on RAW a few months back.
Ahmed chases JJ around a bunch and then doesn't sell much. I'm tellin'
ya, Ahmed = Goldberg. JJ is having no luck here at all. Ahmed screams a
*lot*. Ahmed nails a beauty flying clothesline but misses try #2 and
gets caught in the ropes. JJ of course takes control. Doesn't last
long, as Ahmed hulks up soon after and catches JJ with a bearhug.
Spinebuster, but JJ rolls out of the ring, and gets caught with a decent
no-hands tope. Ahmed misses a somersault splash off the top rope (!)
and JJ gets the figure-four. Wow, someone's got their working boots on.
Ahmed breaks out twice so JJ gets desperate and smashes the guitar over
his head for the hell of it. Bad, bad ending for a PPV match. **
- WWF merchandise shill.
- Big Daddy Cool interview. This was the official kickoff of the Diesel
farewell tour and the Undertaker feud.
- WWF tag team championship: The Smokin' Gunns v. The Bodydonnas. I
don't even wanna scratch the surface of this one. Everyone in this
thing is 100% different from 1996. Billy has respect as a foul-mouthed
rebel tag wrestler, Bart has respect as a legit tough-guy boxer (Ironic
that Billy got the Bad-ass moniker), Zip (Tom Pritchard) has respect as
a WWF trainer and head office guy, and Skip has respect as an ECW
mainstay and prospect for the big Two again. Sunny is a crack whore, of
course, but you can't win 'em all. Some funky double-team stuff to
start, and there's some teases of the eventual heel turn for Billy.
Chris Candido looks like a midget next to these guys. He also looks
pudgy. Bart beats on Zip, and it should be noted that Bart nails Zip
with a left hand, but he doesn't get the knockout. I think this may
prove wrestling is fake. Sunny jumps on the apron and gets knocked off
by Billy accidentally, which prompts him to roll out and offer
assistance. The 'Donnas jump him and of course Sunny is fine. Vince
slips up and names Zip as Flip.
NOTE: As I type this, it is 12AM MST, Aug. 30, which means it's my
birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
Okay, we're back. Billy is face in peril. Some kind of goofy triple
colision spot allows the hot tag to Lefty, who nails them with FOUR left
hands, but they keep getting up! Wow, they're tough! More
double-teaming from the Gunns, and they nail the Sidewinder, but the ref
is distracted with Sunny. Midnight Express switcheroo from the Donnas,
but it only gets two. The Donnas go for a double suplex but Billy
spears one of them and Bart rolls up the other (the exact finish that
the Rock n Rolls and Midnights did years before) for the pin. **1/2
- A compilation of Billionaire Ted skits.
- A review of that, uh, fascinating Razor Ramon - Goldust feud which
featured Goldust putting the moves on Ramon in order to do a psych job
on Ramon.
- Intercontinental title match: Razor Ramon v. Goldust. This marks the
first appearance in the WWF of Marlena, simply called "the director"
here. It also marks the debut of the letterboxed entrance. Long-ass
intros here. Goldie draws mega-heat with his little act. Watching
Dustin touch himself is pretty disturbing even today. Mundo stalling to
start. Goldust feels up Ramon on a go-behind and the crowd goes nuts.
More stalling. The arena really looks empty in the upper decks. More
stalling. The match gets going and Razor clotheslines him out of the
ring, and it's more stalling. Finally Goldust jumps Ramon from behind
and we get going. Slingshot belly-to-back suplex from Goldust. Then
more stalling and resting. Long chinlock by Goldust. Ramon escapes with
a kick to the nads and they lay around. Ramon up and does his usual.
Vince of course calls none of it. Ramon with a belly-to-back superplex
but the ref is distracted with Marlena, which allows 1-2-3-Pac to run
into the ring and take out Ramon enough for Goldust to get the pin and
the title. Atrociously bad match. DUD
- Wrestlemania XII promo.
- Assorted soundbites from the Rumble participants.
- Royal Rumble: Well, we know Hunter is #1. Henry Godwinn is #2. HOG
dominates HHH because they have an issue and all. Bob Backlund is #3
and I'll let you know if anything interesting happens. Jerry Lawler is
#4. Yay. Crowd finally gets into the match with a Burger King chant.
Lawler goes for the slop bucket but it doesn't go anywhere. Lawler of
course gets slopped. Bob Holly is #5 and still nothing happening.
Backlund is spazzing out on everyone here. Mabel is #6. I can barely
contain my excitement. More of nothing going on. Mostly just guys
lying on the ropes pretending to be trying to put other guys out. Jake
Roberts is #7 and gets a good pop. He clears the ring with a huge snake
and of course poor Lawler gets to be the victim. Dory Funk
(BOOOOOOOOO!!!!) is #8 and of course goes right after Backlund. Lawler
is seen hiding under the ring. Jimmy Hart already did that gig 10 years
before, Jerry. Yokozuna is #9. He tosses Backlund, who has the honor
of being the first one out. The Kid is #10 and Razor chases him into
the ring to further their storyline. Razor gets a bigger reaction than
anyone in the ring. An AJPW wrestler named Ohmari (sp?) is #11 and of
course gets the Orient Express music. It should be noted that the
intervals are actually getting longer than two minutes at this point,
according to my VCR. Dory and the Kid have some interesting stuff going
but the camera is never on them. Savio Vega is #12 and goes after Mabel
to avenge that King of the Ring loss. Yoko dumps Mabel soon after, thank
god. Ohmari also gets dumped a few seconds later. Vader is #13 as he
makes his WWF debut. Savio dumps Dory (YAAAAAAY!!). Vader pummels
Savio. Doug Gilbert is #14 and gets no reaction. Vader dumps Jake on a
weak clothesline. Vader destroys Gilbert and the Kid is actually
holding his own with Yoko. Headhunter #1 is #15 and isn't that
effective. Vader with a nasty chokeslam on Gilbert, his designated
whipping boy tonight. Vader puts him out of his misery shortly after.
The Headhunter is gone via Vader. Yoko and Vader go at it but Cornette
begs them to stop. Headhunter #2 is #16, and both Hunters come into the
ring and go after Vader. Vader knocks one out and Yoko takes out the
other for good measure. HHH is at 30 minutes here. Owen Hart is #17
and is in a bad mood. Yoko and Vader manhandle Savio. I mean, they
just SPLATTER him. Shawn is #18. Vader dumps Savio. Shawn, HHH and
the Kid fight in the corner, which of course is interesting on several
levels. Vader and Yoko are resting on the ropes and Shawn dives and
knocks both of them out! Whoa. Kid goes flying out. Hakushi is #19 as
Vader snaps and takes out Yoko, then comes back into the ring and puts
the hurt on Shawn. He tosses him out! Ah, but Vader isn't legal so it
doesn't count. Cheap heat. Vader is surrounded by a gaggle of the
Usual Idiots as they try to get rid of him. Good heel heat for Vader.
Tatanka is #20 and no one cares. Okay, now we've got some good workers
in there so it picks up a bit. Owen tosses Hakushi. Aldo Montoya is
#21 and even less care. Shawn is detained outside the ring, so while
he's there he drags Jerry Lawler out (remember, he was hiding there)
back in the ring. Aldo and Lawler are both tossed. Diesel is #22. 40
minutes for HHH. Tatanka is gone. Diesel and Shawn go at it to a huge
pop. Kama is #23 and goes after Big D. Hey, who's that guy with the
crew cut at #24? He looks familiar. The Ringmaster, I think his name
is. He knocks Bob Holly out, at any rate. Why, that guy must have a
heart as COLD as STONE. Okay, it's Steve Austin. Barry Horowitz is #25
and suprisingly doesn't get tossed 10 seconds in. Austin looks weird
with a little hair and no beard. Diesel tosses HHH at 48:00, making
this his longest match ever. Fat(ass)u is #26. Austin and Diesel go at
it in what would be a dream match just two years later. HELLFIRE AND
BRIMSTONE! Oh, wait, it's just Isaac Yankem at #27. Barry gets tossed.
Diesels #1 and 2 go at it in the corner. Diesel bounces Owen Hart.
Austin decks Michaels and then mocks him. Marty Jannetty is #28 and
mocks Shawn just by existing. Shawn and Marty do a short sequence for
old times' sake. The Bulldog is #29 and goes right after Shawn. He
dumps Marty as a consolation prize a bit later. Fatu clotheslines
Austin out of the match. Oh, well, he gets to the win the next two
years in a row. Big Daddy Dentist dumps Fatu. Duke Droese is of course
#30. That leaves Bulldog, Shawn, Yankem, Diesel, Droese and Kama as the
last six guys. Shawn dropkicks Yankem out and Droese gets dumped by
Kama. Shawn puts Bulldog out, Diesel puts Kama out and then Shawn
quickly superkicks Diesel at 58:50 to win the Royal Rumble. The entire
sequence from Droese's entrance to the ending took all of a minute and a
half. Diesel is not happy with the decision. **1/2 Bad Royal Rumble.
- WWF title match: Bret Hart v. The Undertaker. Diesel and UT have a
little scrap in the aisle during the introduction of UT. Taker is
wearing that goofy mask at this point. UT beats on Hart to start and
moves....very....slowly. Undertaker uses a move where he basically puts
his hand on Hitman's face and gets several two counts from it as the
crowd snoozes. Back to the smother-hold. Boorrrrrrrrrrr-ing.
Borrrrrrrrrrrr-ing. Bret comes back with a pair of clotheslines and a
pescado, none of which are sold by UT to any notable degree. UT rams
Bret to the ringpost. I can go to 7-11 and get Slurpees in the spaces
between moves. More punishment to Bret, but he puts UT to the STEEL
stairs and starts working on the knee. And working on the knee.
Figure-four from Bret, crowd is gone. We're about twenty minutes in and
noting of note has happened yet. More working on the knee. Bret tries
to rip off UT's "facial appliance" (Vince calls it that about 14 times).
Back to the knee. This match is just as exciting to sit through as it
is for you to read, believe me. Outside the ring and UT is choking Bret
with some cable. UT nails him with a chair for good measure, but
there's no announce tables to put him through. Pity. Back in the ring
and back to the knee. Bret is drawing mixed heat. Bret wraps UT's leg
around the ringpost and is drawing some good heel heat now. Still more
working on the knee. Btw, lest you think I'm glossing over stuff, I'm
not. This is an almost exact move-by-move description of this match. UT
up with headbutts and a legdrop. Tombstone, but Bret escapes and snaps
UT's throat on the top rope. DDT from Bret, which is a new thing for
him. FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! But UT does the zombie situp after each one.
Sharpshooter to a huge mixed reaction, but UT blocks with a choke and
does another zombie situp. Double-knockout situation, Bret up first,
and he unties a top turnbuckle. Bret finally gets the face mask off.
And it was never seen again. Bret rams him into the exposed turnbuckle,
twice, and the crowd doesn't like it. Bret off the ropes, but gets
caught with a tombstone out of nowhere! But Diesel comes out of nowhere
and pulls Hebner out of the ring, preventing a count and causing a DQ
against Bret. Bad match with a screwjob ending. Bret phoned it in.
*1/2
- Wrap up interviews from everyone as Gorilla sets the main event for
the next IYH as Bret v. Diesel in a cage. Diesel riffs on Flair in his
interview and delivers the semi-famous "The WWF runs on Diesel Power"
interview that turned him heel.
The Bottom Line:
An underwhelming show to say the least. 1996 was a pretty bad year for
the WWF and it showed in most of their shows. Everyone knew Shawn was
winning the Rumble so that was nothing special, and since Ramon was to
the point where he'd only work with clique members that match was
nothing special, and the rest was filler.
Recommendation to avoid.
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ViNNY
Netcop
>Retro Rant for Royal Rumble 1996.
Any particular reason for digging out this one? Or just feeling lonely on a
Friday night? :)
>- Free 4 All match: Hunter Hearst Helmsley v. Duke Droese. Winner gets
>to enter #30, loser gets #1. Duke looks decent enough to start and HHH
>sells a lot, which is a good thing. This was the debut of the Free 4
>All, btw. HHH mixes a single-arm DDT into his usual 4 moves, although he
>does it twice which lessens the moment somehow. HHH works on the arm
>and draws (you guessed it) no heat. I'm still amazed that he didn't get
>fired six months into his tenure. Big ol' armbar. The upper reaches of
>the arena look really empty. HHH continues working on the arm, and goes
>to the top but of course blows it. Duke with the superman comeback (and
>he shows three times as many moves as Helmsley) but HHH reverses the
>Trash Compactor, then gets suplexed for his troubles. Ref gets bumped
>from the corner and HHH waffles him with an international object and
>gets the pin. Relatively long FFA match at 9 minutes. BUT WAIT!
>Gorilla Monsoon waddles down to ringside and reverses the decision,
>which of course doesn't have any actual prescedence in wrestling but
>whatever. Not a terrible match. *1/2
We don't get the Free For All in the UK, so I was spared this Clash (Trash?)
of the Titans.
>- Opening match: Jeff Jarrett v. Ahmed Johnson. This was JJ's first
>aborted attempt at a WWF comeback before jumping to WCW and somehow
>ending up worse off. There was some sort of angle behind this, but let's
>face it, no one cares. This was in fact one of the feuds JJ was
>bitching about in his quasi-shoot interview on RAW a few months back.
>Ahmed chases JJ around a bunch and then doesn't sell much. I'm tellin'
>ya, Ahmed = Goldberg. JJ is having no luck here at all. Ahmed screams a
>*lot*. Ahmed nails a beauty flying clothesline but misses try #2 and
>gets caught in the ropes. JJ of course takes control. Doesn't last
>long, as Ahmed hulks up soon after and catches JJ with a bearhug.
>Spinebuster, but JJ rolls out of the ring, and gets caught with a decent
>no-hands tope. Ahmed misses a somersault splash off the top rope (!)
>and JJ gets the figure-four. Wow, someone's got their working boots on.
>Ahmed breaks out twice so JJ gets desperate and smashes the guitar over
>his head for the hell of it. Bad, bad ending for a PPV match. **
The sad fact is that Ahmed showed genuine promise at the beginning of his
WWF career. From Survivor Series 95 until he won the Intercontinental belt,
he had some cool looking moves and seemed to genuinely love doing his job.
Sadly, Ron Simmons killed all his heat when he busted his kidney, and his
career was never resurrected.
>- WWF merchandise shill.
>
>- Big Daddy Cool interview. This was the official kickoff of the Diesel
>farewell tour and the Undertaker feud.
Nash at his best, IMO. His mic work from here until the end of '96 had me
ROFL at times, but he's done nothing new since the Horsemen skit. DX may
have been doing the same routines since IYH: Unforgiven or so, but the
Wolfpac have had the same routines for at least as long...
>NOTE: As I type this, it is 12AM MST, Aug. 30, which means it's my
>birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
Congrats, Scott.. the big 4-0? ;)
>Okay, we're back. Billy is face in peril. Some kind of goofy triple
>colision spot allows the hot tag to Lefty, who nails them with FOUR left
>hands, but they keep getting up! Wow, they're tough! More
>double-teaming from the Gunns, and they nail the Sidewinder, but the ref
>is distracted with Sunny. Midnight Express switcheroo from the Donnas,
>but it only gets two. The Donnas go for a double suplex but Billy
>spears one of them and Bart rolls up the other (the exact finish that
>the Rock n Rolls and Midnights did years before) for the pin. **1/2
Smoking Gunns were hands down the best team in the WWF at the time... but
that's not saying much.
>- A compilation of Billionaire Ted skits.
>
>- A review of that, uh, fascinating Razor Ramon - Goldust feud which
>featured Goldust putting the moves on Ramon in order to do a psych job
>on Ramon.
This feud scared the hell out of me, it really did.
> Atrociously bad match. DUD
I hear that. Whatever Epstein is currently offering for breaking Stevie Ray
and Mongo, I'll double on these two. Might buy Hall enough time to dry out,
and Dustin enough to realise the worthless nature of his career and retire
to become an indy promoter or something.
>- Wrestlemania XII promo.
AKA RestHoldMania, the Night of 1,000 Armbars.
>- Assorted soundbites from the Rumble participants.
Some good ones this year, but DBS's "Because I'm BIZARRE!" from 97 is still
the *all time* leader in dumb interviews. Please, someone, dig this tape out
and find the spot. It's too funny for words, especially when the crowd
shouts "Austin!" and Bulldog pretends they said his name :)
[First 23 guys snipped, with a note that I MARKED OUT for Vader, especially
the Yokozuna heat.]
> Hey, who's that guy with the
>crew cut at #24? He looks familiar. The Ringmaster, I think his name
>is. He knocks Bob Holly out, at any rate. Why, that guy must have a
>heart as COLD as STONE. Okay, it's Steve Austin. Barry Horowitz is #25
>and suprisingly doesn't get tossed 10 seconds in. Austin looks weird
>with a little hair and no beard. Diesel tosses HHH at 48:00, making
>this his longest match ever. Fat(ass)u is #26. Austin and Diesel go at
>it in what would be a dream match just two years later. HELLFIRE AND
>BRIMSTONE! Oh, wait, it's just Isaac Yankem at #27. Barry gets tossed.
>Diesels #1 and 2 go at it in the corner. Diesel bounces Owen Hart.
>Austin decks Michaels and then mocks him. Marty Jannetty is #28 and
>mocks Shawn just by existing. Shawn and Marty do a short sequence for
>old times' sake. The Bulldog is #29 and goes right after Shawn. He
>dumps Marty as a consolation prize a bit later. Fatu clotheslines
>Austin out of the match. Oh, well, he gets to the win the next two
>years in a row. Big Daddy Dentist dumps Fatu. Duke Droese is of course
>#30. That leaves Bulldog, Shawn, Yankem, Diesel, Droese and Kama as the
>last six guys. Shawn dropkicks Yankem out and Droese gets dumped by
>Kama. Shawn puts Bulldog out, Diesel puts Kama out and then Shawn
>quickly superkicks Diesel at 58:50 to win the Royal Rumble. The entire
>sequence from Droese's entrance to the ending took all of a minute and a
>half. Diesel is not happy with the decision. **1/2 Bad Royal Rumble.
I was *so* sure the World Title match at WrestleMania 12 was going to be
Diesel taking his belt back from the Undertaker... damn. I thought this
Rumble was pretty good, actually... much better than, say, '90.
The crowd were *waaay* into this... this is around the time that Bret and
Shawn started having problems, and I guess Bret was none too pleased with
his involvement with the Kliq.
>- Wrap up interviews from everyone as Gorilla sets the main event for
>the next IYH as Bret v. Diesel in a cage. Diesel riffs on Flair in his
>interview and delivers the semi-famous "The WWF runs on Diesel Power"
>interview that turned him heel.
This was a great interview... when Diesel started using "the only reason you
live and breathe is because I have allowed it" as a catchphrase, yes?
Someone take away the phone number of Nash's dealer in Atlanta and he might
be able to reproduce this quality today... ;)
>The Bottom Line:
>
>An underwhelming show to say the least. 1996 was a pretty bad year for
>the WWF and it showed in most of their shows. Everyone knew Shawn was
>winning the Rumble so that was nothing special, and since Ramon was to
>the point where he'd only work with clique members that match was
>nothing special, and the rest was filler.
Agreed.
-Vin
"Remember - Jesus is watching you. Watching us. Watching you. WATCHING
JESUS"
RSPW-G British Ambassador
Leader of RSPWECW's Nation of ViN, aka, ViN and Alicia's House of Lovin'
Alicia Snow's dream man
Spiffy214
how do they book the Rumble? (or any battle royal)...obviously the entrance
order is planned out in advance, action between the last few guys and the end
of the match are scripted, as well as some high spots, probably. but what
happens in between? can guys just randomly go at it as long as the eventual
winner or one of the wrestlers remaining at the end aren't eliminated? or is
the actual order of elimination scripted all the way? or is it somewhere in
between the two extremes?
i.