[not true] Ric v. Rock, for the Promo King belt
theBede
JIM ROSS: Welcome, fans! We’re here tonight for a very special
event—Ric Flair and Rocky Maivia will be going at it in an
interfederation match to see just who is the King of the Promo-cutters.
BOBBY HEENAN: I’m Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. The idiot to my left is
Jim “No Nickname” Ross. This should be a really great match.
Ross: You said it, Brain—a slobberknocker!
Heenan: I never said that. You’re gonna confuse the humanoids!
[music starts: “The Rock says . . . The Rock says . . .”]
Ross: Shut up, Brain. It’s The Rock!
[the camera shows ROCKY MAIVIA coming to the ring. He meets Special
Referee BILL ALPHONSO, who is already in the ring]
Heenan [voiceover]: Am I still shutting up now?
Ross [voiceover]: Yes. That’s the challenger in the ring, the young
third-generation WWF superstar, The Rock!
Heenan [voiceover]: When did he quit having a last name? I have a
last name. You have a last name.
ROCKY MAIVIA: Finally, The Rock has come Back~! to wherever the hell
this is!
[the music changes to “Thus Spake Flairathustra”]
Heenan [voiceover]: And Ric Flair certainly has a last name!
[the camera shows RIC FLAIR coming to the ring, with the Promo King
belt]
Ross [voiceover]: And it’s sure been dragged through the mud lately,
ain’t it?
Heenan [voiceover]: Shush.
RIC FLAIR: Meeeeean, Wooooo~!, Rocky Maivia!
Ross [voiceover]: Did you “shush” me?
The ROCK: That’s “The Rock” to you, jabronie!
BILL ALPHONSO [blows annoying whistle]: OK fellas, let’s have a good,
clean argument! This is a No Contact match for the Promo King belt,
daddy!
RIC: That’s my belt! Abuse of power! Abuse of power!
ALPHONSO [blows annoying whistle]: I ain’t abusin’ nobody! I’m gonna
call this one right down the middle!
ROCK: Well whatever you do, don’t interrupt The Great One, you piece a
’ trash!
Ric: What’s the matter, Rockhead—afraid you’ll forget what’s on the
cuecard? Gettin’ a little nervous now that you’re face-to-face with
Tha Nay!cha Boy? We’re gonna dance all night and stay a little longer!
Wooo!
Rock: Is that what you think?
Ric: Yeh, that’s what—
Rock [interrupting]: It Doesn’t MATTER What You Think! The Rock is
gonna lay the smack down on your old grey head!
Ric: You just interrupted the wrong man, Maivia. You’ve had your way
Up North, but now that The Nature Boy’s in town, you are gonna find out
who the lead dog is. And when you’re not the lead dog, the view never
changes.
Rock: Well The Rock is not a dog of any kind, little Ricky. The Rock
is the most eeeLECtrifying man in Sports Entertainment today!
Ric: You wouldn’t know electricity if it bit you on The People’s Ass.
I invented electricity. I’ve been the supercharger in this sport since
you were a pebble.
Rock: You think you impress The Rock? Know your damn role, ya piece a
’ monkey crap!
Ross [voiceover]: Can he say that?
Ric: Oh I know my role. My role is stylin’ and profilin’! Livin’
large with the ladies downtown! Woooo!
Rock: Oh I know where you go downtown. You check in to the Washed-Up
Suite at the Smackdown Hotel, on the corner of Jabronie Drive and Know
Your Role Boulevard.
Ric: I’ve spent a lotta time in better hotels than that. I remember
one in particular, where your mama rode Space Mountain twenty years
ago.
Rock: You wanna visit Space Mountain? Why don’t you just go to
Disneyland, buy a set of Mickey Mouse Ears, fill it up with monkey
piss, turn it sideways, and shove it Straight Up . . . Your Candy Ass!
Ric: Space Mountain ain’t child’s play, Fat Boy. The ladies know,
like all my fans know, that I’m a sixty-minute man. But you can’t get
it done for more than sixty seconds. Not in the ring, not on the mic,
and--so the ladies tell me--not between the sheets.
Rock: Fans? You don’t have any fans, old man. The millions, and
millions, of The Rock’s fans have turned their backs on the senior
tour.
Ric: I’ve still got all my fans, you punk. Yours will come and go,
because even if you’ve got the passion, you haven’t got the dignity.
Rock: Dignify *this*, you Roooody Pooooo, Candy Ass!
Ric: You’ve got no respect. Not for me, and not for any of the great
mic workers who came before you. The Funks! The Briscos! Harley
Race!
Heenan [voiceover]: I used to manage them.
Rock: Jabronies who all job to The People’s Champ. You think you can
outwork The Rock? You think you can out-talk The Great One? Well then
bring it on, so The Rock can make your monkey ass famous!
Ric: When Hell freezes over, punk. If you wanna BE the man, you gotta
BEAT the man.
Rock: Haven’t you been paying attention? You were beaten the day The
Rock hit town.
Alphonso: [soto voce] Go home! Go home!
Ric: This is a waste of my time. You’ll never be as good as me,
Pebble--not on the stick or anything else.
Rock: When The Rock is done with you, you’ll be a grease spot in the
middle of the aisle, if ya smellll-ll-ll-ll-ll-ll-ll~! what The Rock~!
. . . [uses his hand to move his head around].
Ric: [hits a Low Blow on Maivia] Let’s hear you cut some promos like
a lady wrestler!
Rock: [in a high, squeaky voice] . . . is cooking. [falls over and
curls up]
Alphonso: [blows annoying whistle] No way! No way, Ric Flair! This
was a No Contact match, daddy! You are disqualified! [blows annoying
whistle; makes the “ring the bell” motion]
Ric: And the champ keeps his belt on a DQ. Woooo! It ain’t braggin’
if ya back it up. [Fargo Strut]
[Alphonso takes hold of Rock’s arm so he can raise his hand.]
Rock: [in a high, squeaky voice] Don’t touch the People’s Elbow, ya
freak!
Alphonso: Ring the bell! Ring the damn bell, daddy! [blows annoying
whistle]
The End?????
the Bede
/:-)>
The REAL Man Full of Snot.