[WWE] [PPV] Hack Thoughts: 2009/4/5 WrestleMania
Hack-Man
the PPV to the DVD dark match, as the only match I was looking
forward to more than it was the Money in the Bank match. I'm not a
huge fan of tag matches, and the tag straps don't mean anything
these days, but this match had three of the best workers in WWE,
plus one guy who has improved far past what I thought his peak would
ever be in the sport. Seems like WWE did the same thing with each
of the past 2 Manias, though--moving one of the better matches off
the live broadcast.
I had trouble connecting to the usual IRC web client, so I went with
a different one (which didn't share servers with DalNet, where
everyone else in RSPW (other than Joolz and Hawkins) was.
Someone sorta cute in a push-up bra sang a sub-par version of
America the Beautiful.
No mention was made for the lack of Tazz, but the broadcast was
better for his absence.
1. CM Punk over Mark Henry, MVP, Finlay, Benjamin, Kofi, Christian,
and Kane in the Money in the Bank match in 14:00
Finlay busted out some of his old school gear (much like Jericho did
for the first WWE/ECW PPV). CM Punk went under the ladders (like
Razor Ramon did in the first famous WWE ladder match). Lawler was
the first to cringe at the "bad luck" he'd bring upon himself. A
few minutes later, JR said he'd never walk under a ladder. I'm sure
if he did--he'd get stuck. Going into the match, it seemed like WWE
was either going to give the win to Christian or MVP. If it turned
out to be Christian, he would no doubt haunt Edge over the next few
months as he could use the briefcase to cash in a title shot against
his old tag team partner at any time. If MVP won, I was hoping
they'd make this the first year where the MitB winner would lose
after using the title shot. He's just not ready for a world title
at this point. He needs to lose the Power Ranger outfit and then
they can spend 18 months re-building his character before he's seen
as a world title contender.
Kofi was the breakout star this year, with the top two innovative
ladder moves. The first was when he dived above that piece of metal
that holds the two halves of the ladder together to kick whoever was
on the other side. The second was when Mark Henry collapsed a
ladder to be two-dimensionsl, and Kofi climbed it up to the
briefcase anyway. There were some other nice spots, but those two
stood out far above the rest. Christian's big move was setting up
two ladders in the middle of the ring. He and Shelton climbed to
the top of one, then tipped it so Benji fell out of the ring.
Christian bounced off the ropes and righted the ladder. I half
expected a sport where Henry tried climbing a ladder, with each step
breaking as he climbed. I think they already did this (maybe with
Big Show) years ago. Christian did an unprettier onto Punk on a
horizontal bridged ladder in the ring. The spot didn't go as well
as they had planned. Ditto for a spot later with Benji and MVP.
MATCH RATING: $8.50 Keller gave it a rare 4.25 stars
Kid Rock played a medley of five songs. Possibly the best music/WWE
crossover spot in ten years. As he finished up with So Hott, the
divas paraded past him for the battle royal.
RATING: $1.50
2. Santina Marella won a 25 diva battle royal in 6:00
I never saw Sunny (though the announcers mentioned her). Molly,
Sunny, and Torrie were eliminated early. Mae Young was the guest
time keeper; I'm kinda glad they didn't try to put her in this
match. Victoria was the only gal not on the roster to last more
than a minute or two. Too bad they didn't get Trish and Lita and
make this last a little longer. The announcers played dumb, as if
they couldn't tell that Santino was in the ring in drag.
MATCH RATING: $0.25
Video recap of Jericho/Rourke/Legends, with footage from The
Wrestler
RATING: $0.10
3. Jericho over Steamboat, Snuka, Piper in 9:00
Snuka didn't do much. Piper did some brawling. Steamboat actually
dove over the top rope onto Jericho to earn his paycheck. Jericho
defeated all three to win the match.
MATCH RATING: $0.50 (for Steamboat)
Afterwards, Flair came in the ring to also get beat up by Jericho.
Then Jericho got on the mic and goaded Mickey Rourke into coming
into the ring. MR looked like he really didn't want to be there.
He looked nothing like his character in The Wrestler (somehow
looking even more old and washed up that Randy the Ram). Luckily,
there was a break in the barricade for Rourke to get through to get
into the ring. MR hit Jericho with a punch and then left.
RATING: $0.05
4. Matt Hardy over Jeff Hardy in 13:00
The crowd was into this more than I was. This hardcore match would
have been helped if Joey Styles were calling it instead of Jim Ross.
The best part came when Jeff stacked a double-decker table and put
Matt between them--then dove off the top and belly-flopped on the
top table, crushing them both. The crowd chanted "holy shit". Jeff
set up a large ladder and a larger ladder in the ring. He climbed
the large one, leap-frogged the larger one, and took a back bump
(almost landing on his tailbone) on the mat when Matt moved. The
announcers said he came from 20 feet in the air (which would make
Jeff 10 feet tall, since the large ladder was about twice his
height).
MATCH RATING: $4.00 (mostly for the double-decker ladder spot)
They showed Team Nepotism getting ready in the back
RATING: $0.00
5. Rey Mysterio over JBL in 0:21
Rey was wearing a Joker mask (he always seems to bust out a
superhero mask for Mania, as he's had Flash and Spider-Man in past
years)
MATCH RATING: $0.05
JBL cried in the ring and then said "I quit". The fans weren't even
going to send him of with "Na na na na, na na na na, hey heeeeey,
goodbye"? Pfft. I'm disappointed in the Texans. I hope this means
we see him back on color on Smackdown. As color commentators go,
Striker > JBL & Foley >>>>> Lawler >>> Tazz >>> Don West
RATING: $0.05
Cole called Houston the 4th largest city in the US. Wiki says by
metro area it's #6 and the city itself is indeed #4 (far ahead of #5
Phoenix). I wouldn't have guessed it was in the top ten. I knew
#1, #2, and #3, but figured Miami, Denver, Dallas, Frisco, and
others would be bigger than Houston.
6. Undertaker over Shawn Michaels in 31:00
The match went pretty much as expected, with both guys kicking out
of each other's finishers. I was a bit surprised that Taker
(wearing more makeup than Shawn's wife) didn't do his annual
plancha/tope, but I suppose a 43-year old that weighs less than 200
pounds isn't someone you want catching your bulk. HBK was lowered
from the sky (looked sorta like what Dustin wanted in WCW). My feed
went out for about 5 minutes during UT's intro, but I didn't miss
anything. Good timing. Taker did three sit-ups (twice during the
match) and HBK did one kip-up (assisted by his arms). This was
probably one of the top five matches Taker has been in over the last
12 or so years, and he was moving around quickly instead of his once
lumbering self. I'm guessing Shawn agreed to job as long as he'd
get to push God in promos for 4 weeks leading up to the match. At
least he wove it into entertaining promos. Both HBK and Taker have
massive hair loss, in case no one's noticed. They could show
TitanTron videos on Taker's huge forehead. They did the spot where
Undertaker is on his back and both of his shoulders are pinned to
the mat for 30 seconds, but the ref refuses to count Taker down
because Undertaker seems to think it should be a MMA move and
wrestling rules don't apply. When UT walks the top rope aided by
HBK for balance, is it called "Old Testament School"? When one
"cameraman" took a bump, it was convenient that WWE had another
cameraman right behind him to catch the spot. 20 minutes after I
called it, HBK kicked out after a tombstone. I get a cookie! If
Punk had cashed in his MitB just before this match (and beaten Edge)
would this three-way have taken place without the title, or would it
have been Punk/Cena/Show? In any case, Edge should change his last
name to Guerrero. In the middle of the match, JR accidentally
called Cena the champ, and then tried to cover for giving away the
match ending.
MATCH RATING: $2.25 Keller gave this five stars as expected
A plug aired for the three-hour Raw special in eight days featuring
the WWE Draft, followed by a video package hyping Edge/Show Cena.
RATING: $0.00
7. John Cena over Big Show and Edge in 14:00
About a hundred indy workers (probably everyone in Texas not
associated with PWA) were dressed as John Cena and lined the
entrance ramp as Cena's old "Basic Thugonomics" theme played. They
all did the "you can't see me" gesture as Cena walked past them to
his current theme. While this may someday be WrestleCrap material,
it was easily the most memorable ring into of the last 5 years. I'd
have to rack my brain to even think what might be in second place.
I can only remember three spots from this entire match. One was
when Show got his arms tangled between the top two ropes, allowing
Edge and Cena to beat on each other. The second was when Vickie got
up on the apron. Edge whipped Cena toward her. Cena stopped short,
and then got out of the way as Edge tried to spear him, sending
Vickie off the apron onto Chavo. Now 90% of *wrestlers* on the
roster would have telegraphed the (obvious) move by looking back to
make sure Chavo was in place. Vickie ranks above all those by never
looking back. Hell, most wrestlers telegraph moves when they insist
on looking back just so they don't hit their neck on the ropes when
in the ring and no one's behind them. The third led to the finish.
Show was in the corner. Edge was on his back applying a sleeper
hold. Cena picked up both men(!) for an attitude adjuster on Show,
with Edge slipping off just before the move completed. Depending on
which figures you want to believe, that's somewhere between 650 and
800 pounds. Damn...
MATCH RATING: $2.00 (mostly for Cena and Vickie)
They announced that the Silver (25th) anniversary of WrestleMania
would be in Arizona on 3/28/2010.
They brought out the Hall of Fame inductees to bring the crowd down
between world title matches. Austin hadn't got the seamstress that
WWE keeps on staff full-time to fix his rented tux. He ducked to
the back and came back in a t-shirt riding his 3:16 four-wheeler
around the ring, and then drank beers. Ross said he misses the beer
showers. I'm glad he didn't say that he missed the "(Michelob)
Golden Showers". SCSA gave one beer to Jim Ross, who (much like
Cena the night before) slowly sipped it as Austin downed multiple
beers himself.
RATING: $0.35
8. HHH over Randy Orton in 23:00
Many people predicted Stephanie joining Team Nepotism tonight. I
still don't see that happening. While she looked particularly MILFy
on Raw a couple weeks ago, she didn't look as good at the HoF
ceremony last night, and wasn't shown at all at Mania (though Shane
and Vince were backstage to see HHH off to the ring). Using a
monitor at ringside would have been a DQ, but using the announce
table (which someone is going to get yelled at tonight for leaving
the pins in) isn't a DQ? The ref was Scott Armstrong, just to make
people wonder if he's part of Team Nepotism, being the son of Bullet
Bob Armstrong. The crowd was really dead for this. Not sure if
they were just tired after 4 hours of wrestling or if (like me) they
just didn't care and were saving their energy in case there was a
run-in).
MATCH RATING: $0.75
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TOTAL MATCH RATING: $18.30
TOTAL SKIT RATING: $2.05
TOTAL PPV RATING: $20.35
WWE price of the PPV: $45.99
This makes it the lowest-rated WrestleMania ever (of those I've seen
and rated). Wow. I'll bet if they had put the tag match on the PPV
and given the women 10 more minutes it would have bumped this to the
middle of all WrestleManias instead of being at the bottom of the
heap.
I spent $0.00 in gas and $0.00 on food, so by that token I got my
money's worth.
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For comparison, here's what I thought of the PPVs I saw in the last
decade-plus:
WWF Wrestlemania 1998 1998/03/ unrated
WCW Spring Stampede 1998 1998/04/19 $24.10
WWF IYH: Unforgiven 1998 1998/04/26 $ 9.95
WCW Slamboree 1998 1998/05/17 $27.95
WCW Great American Bash 1998 1998/06/14 $28.05
WWF King of the Ring 1998 1998/06/28 $22.50
WCW Bash at the Beach 1998 1998/07/12 $17.35
ECW Heatwave 1998 1998/08/02 $24.90
WCW Road Wild 1998 1998/08/08 $29.80
WWF IYH: Fully Loaded 1998 1998/07/26 $ 6.95
WWF SummerSlam 1998 1998/08/30 $10.20
WCW Fall Brawl 1998 1998/09/13 $23.60
WWF Judgement Day 1998 1998/10/18 $25.10
WCW Halloween Havoc 1998 1998/10/25 $49.50
ECW November to Remember 1998 1998/11/01 $25.75
WWF Survivor Series 1998 1998/11/15 $21.40
WWF IYH: Rock Bottom 1999 1998/12/13 $ 8.40
ECW Guilty as Charged 1999 1999/01/10 $26.10
WCW Souled Out 1999 1999/01/17 $29.10
WWF Royal Rumble 1999 1999/01/24 $23.00
WWF St Val Day Massacre 1999 1999/02/14 $20.90
WCW SuperBrawl 1999 1999/02/21 $21.35
WCW Uncensored 1999 1999/03/14 $32.00
ECW Living Dangerously 1999 1999/03/21 $25.90
WCW Spring Stampede 1999 1999/04/11 $38.00
WCW Slamboree 1999 1999/05/09 $21.10
ECW Hardcore Heaven 1999 1999/05/09 $15.30
WWF King of the Ring 1999 1999/06/27 $13.40
WCW Bash at the Beach 1999 1999/07/11 $20.70
WWF Fully Loaded 1999 1999/07/25 $10.80
WCW Road Wild 1999 1999/08/14 $13.90
WWF SummerSlam 1999 1999/08/22 $19.05
WCW Fall Brawl 1999 1999/09/12 $12.85
ECW Ararchy Rulz 1999 1999/09/19 $32.25
WWF No Mercy 1999 1999/10/17 $13.00
WCW Halloween Havoc 1999 1999/10/24 $ 3.35
ECW November to Remember 1999 1999/11/07 $28.45
WWF Survivor Series 1999 1999/11/14 $10.95
WCW Meyhem 1999 1999/11/21 $17.75
WWF Armageddon 1999 1999/12/12 $22.05
WCW Starrcade 1999 1999/12/19 $23.65
ECW Guilty as Charged 2000/01/09 $25.70
WCW Souled Out 2000/01/16 $13.20
WWF Royal Rumble 2000/01/23 $20.00
WWF No Way Out 2000/02/27 $16.95
ECW Living Dangerously 2000/03/12 $21.80
WCW Uncensored 2000/03/19 $21.65
WWF WrestleMania 2000/04/02 $22.05
WCW Spring Stampede 2000/04/16 $23.70
WWF Backlash 2000/04/30 $25.65
WCW Slamboree 2000/05/07 $23.55
ECW Hardcore Heaven 2000/05/14 $23.05
WWF Judgment Day 2000/05/21 $11.25
WCW Great American Bash 2000/06/11 $16.55
WWF King of the Ring 2000/06/25 $ 1.40
WCW Bash at the Beach 2000/07/09 missed
ECW Heat Wave 2000/07/16 $15.50
WWF Fully Loaded 2000/07/23 $24.40
WCW New Blood Rising 2000/08/13 $31.00
WWF SummerSlam 2000/08/27 $24.90
WCW 2000/09/17 missed
WWF Unforgiven 2000/09/24 $16.65
ECW Anarchy Rulz 2000/10/01 $21.30
ECW 2000/11/ missed
WWF Survivor Series 2000/11/ missed
ECW Massacre on 34th Street 2000/12/03 $ 9.65
WWF 2000/12/ missed
ECW Guilty As Charged 2001/01/07 $15.70
WWF 2001/01/ missed
WCW Superbrawl Revenge 2001/02/18 $37.60
WCW Greed 2001/03/ missed
WWF WrestleMania 2001/04/01 $29.50
WWF 2001/05/ missed
WWF King of the Ring 2001/06/24 $16.55
WWF Invasion 2001/07/22 $15.25
WWF SummerSlam 2001/08/ missed
WWF 2001/09/ missed
WWF 2001/10/ missed
WWF Survivor Series 2001/11/18 $11.25
WWF Royal Rumble 2002/01/20 $14.15
WWF No Way Out 2002/02/17 $ 3.40
WWF WrestleMania 2002/03/17 $25.30/$36.40
WWF King of the Ring 2002/06/23 $ 6.55/$10.15
NWA TNA 2002/08/14 $11.60/$12.20
WWF SummerSlam 2002/08/25 $21.10/$21.10
WWF Unforgiven 2002/09/22 $17.50/$21.15
WWF No Mercy 2002/10/20 $16.85/$20.00
WWF Survivor Series 2002/11/17 $ 7.50/$ 9.20
WWF Royal Rumble 2003/01/19 $19.55/$19.55
WWF WrestleMania XIX 2003/03/30 $22.55/$23.45
WWE SummerSlam 2003/08/24 $16.25/$16.55
NWA TNA 2003/09/10 $12.50/$14.00
WWE Survivor Series 2003/11/16 $ 8.10/$ 8.60
WWE No Way Out 2004/02/15 $21.85/$22.95
WWE WrestleMania 20 2004/03/14 $36.90/$43.05
WWE Backlash 2004/04/18 $14.40/$14.70
WWE Vengeance 2004/07/11 $23.20/$23.90
WWE SummerSlam 2004/08/15 $17.00/$20.15
WWE Survivor Series 2004/11/14 $10.50/$13.10
TNA Final Resolution 2005/01/16 $39.00/$39.00
WWE Royal Rumble 2005/01/30 $15.25/$17.15
WWE WrestleMania 2005/04/03 $35.10/$36.90
WWE Judgment Day 2005/05/22 $17.45/$17.65
WWE/ECW One Night Stand 2005/06/12 $32.00/$34.35
WWE WrestleMania 2006/04/02 $25.85/$27.85
WWE/ECW One Night Stand 2006/06/11 $18.65/$20.05
WWE WrestleMania 2007/04/01 $20.60/$22.35
WWE Night of Champions 2008/06/29 $ 6.55/$ 6.60
WWE SummerSlam 2008/08/17 $ 5.00/$ 5.65
TNA No Surrender 2008/09/14 $18.95/$19.25
WWE No Mercy 2008/10/05 $ 7.20/$ 8.65
TNA Turning Point 2008/11/09 $19.80/$20.10
WWE Survivor Series 2008/11/23 $ 6.95/$ 7.15
TNA Final Resolution 2008/12/07 $ 6.90/$ 7.95
WWE Armageddon 2008/12/14 $ 5.50/$ 5.75
TNA Genesis 2009/01/11 $23.45/$23.55
WWE No Way Out 2009/02/15 $ 5.00/$ 5.00
WWE WrestleMania 2009/04/05 $18.30/$20.35
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