[CRITIQUE] Preying..... (CROSS)
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[.....unfuckwitable.....]
satanic -- you know, the regular.. lol
i'm not a "lengthy" roleplayer.. i don't take too long on intros and
whatnot.. i'm straight, to the point, yet effective (or @ least i liek ot
think so).. lol
anyways, i wanna know what u RSPWF'ers think of me..
don't sugar coat anything for me.. -- spit the real.. .thanx
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
?
[Silence..]
[CREEEEEEEAAAKK]
[The loud, startling, sudden creak of wood echoes throughout the entire
viscinity of the abandoned 16th century chapel, which much like, Cross has
endured eveyrthing from fires to floods, and remains standing, in one,
peice..]
[The camera pans around the mass area..]
[Weaving in and out of the half-decayed pews, the camera finds our "hero" in
the first row, off to the right, kneeling in the praying position..]
[Cross]: "Oh naiive one.."
"I pray for you -- the one they call Arson.."
"I pray for the man that has convinced himself to believe that he is better
than me, smarter than me.."
[Pause.]
"I pray for the man that thinks somewhere in his mind that he can actually
walk out of this match..."
[He lets the words sink in..]
"..for he won't. Only one can survive. Only one can be the true champion.
Only one can prevail. Firebomb will not win, and neither will you."
"Prepare.."
[Long, deep silence.]
[Cross scoffs..]
"Arson; Firebomb; Azrael/Lord Demous; Hellion --- the list goes on of
spineless posers that act as though they they know of the fiery depths of
hell; the hell that I'm destined to rule.. "
"You know nothing gentlemen, and never will.."
[Long, deep silence.]
[Cross opens his mouth and the portentous, almost unspecifiable significance
in his tone envelopes his words.]
"...I warned you child tomorow night I feast on your soul. You spoke earlier
on how you were such a strong man and how you fear nothing.. It does not
matter though child, what I have in store for you will change your mind."
[In one unified slowly motion he unpresses his hands, lifts and turns his
head. He then begins advancing towards the aisle, where the camera is..]
[His voice grows dark, and goes back to it's level of low dryness..]
"..... When I hold your limp body in front of your peers as an example of
what is to come, pray that I take mercy on your soul, although... I will not
listen -- for you shall suffer for all of your kind."
"..You will be crucified, your blood shall rain upon your peers as warning
to their coming doom. Do you think I honestly care about you child? You are
but a chew toy for me; nothing more than a blood pet brought here for my
pleasure. You and this fool named Firebomb.."
"..the words you two spoke at your interview are nothing but fuel to the
fire your inane wordings, and thoughtless banter -- for will only bring your
destruction that much faster."
"Do you see?"
"Do you hear?"
"Do you understand children -- you will only die as a martyr? Your sniveling
and crying will serve you only the loss of face with your peers. They know
though that they are next. After I have completely drained you, and as you
float aimlessly down the river Styxx remember these words that I have spoken
for the only thing that you will learn tomorrow night is the sound of your
lungs filling with fluid as you gasp for your last breath..."
[With his arms outstretched and head slightly cocked to the side, mocking
the prophet Jesus Christ.]
"Embrace the Darkness Children................."
[The now-familiar demoniacal grin escaspes his lips, sending chills down the
spines of the millions viewing....]
"....... for 'tis only then will you be free .. "
[Slowly fade to black..]
?
Kade Martinez
I mean, it was as if Cross was praying to his victims rather than the given
(God).
Other than that, it was a tight little package. Cross seems like a...character
seeking vindication for something that happened in his life. Or he's just on
smack.... :)
-Kade
*Cross mark
Bart Weddington
well, it's still decent. Personally, not my thing. Just so you know why
it's not my thing, you can take a look at my latest flash below. If you
still don't understand why it's not my thing, then you've got problems :)
======
[Scene fades in.]
[We fade into a hospital waiting room. What we can see of the waiting room
right now is empty, but we're only looking at one side of the waiting room.
The room's walls are all an off-white color, with a small strip of
apple-printed wallpaper around the top. The seats in the waiting room
actually look comfortable - the are made of oak, or stained with an oak
finish, and have large, thick gray cushions on them. The camera turns 180°
where we see a sliding glass window, with a woman sitting behind it. The
woman is obviously the receptionist, as she is wearing scrubs as she flips
through folders. Again, the camera turns to the waiting room, only this
time the other half. All alone, sitting in one of the chairs is Ezra
Martin.]
[Ezra Martin is dressed as he normally is. Sitting in the chair, he's
wearing long, black leather pants with a long, black leather trench coat
that reaches down well-past his knees and a pair of black army boots. As
usual, he has all of his make-up on - black eyeliner, lipstick, and
fingernail polish. The dumbbell through his eyebrow is in, and his hair is
in it's normal state - he has none, except his sideburns, fu manchu, and
goatee.]
[As Ezra spots the camera, he crosses his legs and makes himself comfortable
as he leans back in the chair. As the camera moves closer, he does another
one of his blank stares into the camera. He breaks the stare before he
talks in his ow, monotonous voice.]
EZRA MARTIN: Mohawk Valley Wrestling... I sit here today in a hospital...
[Martin continues to look into the camera, after a short pause.]
EZRA MARTIN: People say I'm demented, Christians persecute me... their own
kind, but it's alright with me. This life is temporary. Everything on thsi
earth is temporary, as well as everything we achieve on earth. I
Corinthians 9:24-25 says, "Do you not know that in a race all the runners
run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.
Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to
get a crow that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last
forever." My friends, as I said, this life is temporary... everyone think I
do is to get up above to Heaven and to live in happiness forever.
[His emotionless face stares into the camera.]
EZRA MARTIN: So, what I do in MVW is temporary. If I win, great - I won
thanks to my Heavenly father. If I lose, well, life goes on, and I'll still
be on my way to Heaven. I'm in this hospital... a hospital I may be in
after my first match in MVW. People may forget at times, but I'm a rookie
in this game... God called me to come here so I came. And my first match
I'll be taking on a veteran of this sport... one known to cheat and break
the rules. But I'll tell him like I'll tell everyone else: wrestle how you
want to. If you want to cheat, go right ahead... it may hurt me
_TEMPORARILY_, but it will hurt you a lot more than it'll hurt me. You hurt
me, I'll be in this hospital... good luck.
[Pause.]
EZRA MARTIN: But Mr. LeBaron, there's a better way... a better way to
everything that you do. Genesis 27 talks a little about cheating, something
you like to do. In Old Testament times, a father gave a blessing to one of
his sons. And a man by the name of Jacob cheated his brother Esau out of
his father's blessing. And then verse 41 says, "Esau held a grudge against
Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself,
'The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother
Jacob.'" Of course, murder was the wrong option to consider, but Jacob was
in for a lot more than he though... cheating brings more negative results
than positive.
[Pause.]
EZRA MARTIN: Another chapter you may want to check out is Habakkuk 2.
Habakkuk 2:5 says, "See, he is puffed up; his desires are not upright - but
the righteous will live by his faith - indeed, wine betrays him; he is
arrogant and never at rest. Because he is as greedy as the grave and like
death is never satisfied, he gathers to himself all the nations and takes
captive all the peoples." You see Dick, succeeding in doing something wrong
doesn't bring a sense of satisfaction. Instead, it brings a perverse desire
to do it again...
[Pause.]
EZRA MARTIN: In II Tessalonians 3:6-10, Paul wrote that anyone that was not
willing to work shouldn't eat... lets pray.
[Martins clasps his hands together, closes his eyes, and bows his head.]
EZRA MARTIN: Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this wonderful day that
You have given us, and I thank you for each and every person here on earth
today - both enemies and friends, I thank You for them. Lord, everyone
needs You, but some don't know it yet. They may succeed in things without
You, but the time will come. And when that time comes Lord, I pray that
they will accept you O Lord, and put You in their hearts. Lord, I ask for
forgiveness of my sins and a nice, clean match. I pray for Dick LeBaron's
salvation. In Jesus' name I pray...
[Pause.]
EZRA MARTIN: Amen...
[Fade to black.]
Mike Jay
~Mike Jay~
[.....unfuckwitable.....]
:)
Bart Weddington
I sure hope not. And if there's anyone else out there handling an Ezra
Martin, please tell me! :)
Bart
Nadir Atrabilious
massive chunks of dialogue which bore me ;)
One thing I noticed(and it's pure stylistic, but it makes it flow more)
was "loud, startling, sudden creak" All the same word, 'the sudden,
startling creak" would lessen it, and with three modifies on creak it
makes it jerky and ungainly.
If you're into pure prose style critiques, I can give one of them as
well. I have free time at work, so, if you want one, email
nadiratr...@hotmail.com the same RP and I'll go through it and nit-
pick.
But that's only if you want a serious, line-by-line, word-by-word
critique. (Hey, it helps you iron out your style, and with me it helps
me to understand more about writing--I'm a (wannabe) author ;))
Later
David McKeever
Nadir Atrabilious
Azrael Ravenell
Um.... too many other psudonyms to name ;)
Sent via Deja.com
http://www.deja.com/
Malacian
>
>Later
>David McKeever
>Nadir Atrabilious
>Azrael Ravenell
>Um.... too many other psudonyms to name ;)
Pseudonym.
- Malacian
- NAWL Nazi-Fedhead
- NEO Staffer
- Handles: "Extravagant" Eric Forbes [CSW]
Nadir Atrabilious
through a spell checker-when I write a story or RP, I do, when posting
bullshit, I don't.
--
People are stupid
SHUT UP AND DEAL
Nadir Atrabilious
Malacian
>bullshit
Do it in good humor. Don't flame people.
Malacian
good, while others have been bad - in terms of well, you know..
So, basically, as Floyd said, you've been a hypocrite. You've flamed people.
You've insulted people. You've upset people. You've claimed to be better than
people. And most recently, you've put down someone who's a free agent.
That's just not cool.
And for all you know, I was correcting the word in good humor. =)
Anyway, settle down, and be a positive person.
Klips2000
No-I have never claimed to be better than anyone, I'll be the first to say I
have much to learn-that is WHY i critique people. I flamed that one
free-agent, well, simply put, that was really retarded. If you are doing
something to IMPRESS, then you SHOULD have good spelling.
IE-run one of my RP's I posted here through MS Word-will you find an error?
Hardly-it was to impress, so I did it with that in mind.
Okay then, it's hard to figure out sarcasm in a online format ;) I just saw
someone being anal-retentive about a word that A-not used on a day to day basis
B-one I don't SPELL on a day to day basis C-.... I think theres a C, what it
is, it's beyond me.
Have I ever said I'm any more than a very, --VERY--, flaky person? Dude, I'll
be the first to tell ya I'm not just a san'wich shy of a picnic basket, but a
whole goddamn 13 course MEAL shy!
Malacian
Apology accepted. =)
Just try to keep the flaming to a minimal. It makes me happy.
MalacianPrez
We're not here to make you happy. You socially inept person, you. :)
-Steve
Malacian
Huh? You aren't?
Sure you are. =)
>-Steve
- Malacian
- CVW Nazi-Fedhead