[RAW Wrestling] RAW in Retrospect [March 19th Edition]
Steve Salisbury
RAW Wrestling Federation
Presents
"RAW in Retrospect"
With Matt Anthony
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
[Through the darkness, we hear the quiet intro of "Blind" by KoRn... In
between the brief guitar strokes, old footage from RAW's previous years, on
top of footage from last week's Sunday Night Main Event Live, flash across
the screen, while at the same time, the letters R-A-W scroll across the
screen...
#ARE YOU READY!?#
The action gets more intense... a shot of RAW legend Sabin Figaro falling
through three stories of flaming wood plays on the screen... Rantai
MacMulligan beating Brian Damage with a Singapore Cane... Thomas Creighton
assaulting Vic Creed... Kid Delicious landing the Delicious Drop on Ricky
Deathwish... Jerry Gordon, the first RAW World Champion, holding the title
high...
And this image fades away as the words
"RAW IN RETROSPECT"
pound onto the screen... From this, we open up in the familiar studio from
last week, with the young Italian man we've all come to know and love, Matt
Anthony, sitting behind his desk. He's still somewhat bandaged up from his
attack by Vice President Ricky Deathwish, but is obviously in slightly
better shape. He looks up and acknowledges the camera by putting a broad
smile on his face.]
Matt Anthony: Welcome everybody to the second edition of RAW in Retrospect!
I'm your host, Matt Anthony, and today we've got a LOT to talk about! In
this issue...
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
~I~~~~State of the Union
~II~~~SNMEL Recap
~III~~Hirings and Firings
~IV~~~Next Week on SNMEL
~V~~~~Rankings
~VI~~~Deathwish Corner
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
MA: Wha--?!? Whoa, we're actually quite organized this week! Wait...
there have been some firings?!
Off Camera: I don't know, but don't get too worked up about it, that's just
the name of the segment!
MA: BUT THEY CAN'T FIRE ME! IT'S BARELY BEEN A MONTH! I HAVE A SIX MONTH
MINIMUM! I knew I shouldn't have made that joke about Creighton last
time...
[Anthony starts to sob. The camera begins to shift a bit as a rather large
individual, with a beard and backwards baseball cap, walks onto the set and
slaps Anthony upside the head.]
Man: Pull yourself together! You AREN'T getting fired. Now I gotta go
back and man the camera!
[Matt pulls out a handkercheif and blows his nose.]
MA: And now... I'm told we've got... *sniff* RAW President Tyler Stevens on
the... satellite link, ready to make his very first... *sniff* "State of the
Union" commentary... *sniff* Mr. Stevens, sir?
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
*****STATE*OF*THE*UNION*****
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
[DISCLAIMER: THE VIEWS AND OPPINIONS EXPRESSED HERE-IN ARE THOSE OF TYLER
STEVENS, AND NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF RAW WRESTLING LTD. WAIT, HE'S THE
PRESIDENT, SO SHOULDN'T THEY BE?]
[OOC DISCLAIMER: These are all IN-CHARACTER... It doesn't represent the
views of the actual fedheads. If Tyler Stevens says he's going to fire a
certain wrestler, for example, it doesn't actually mean that wrestler will
be fired (it's all about storylines baby).]
[We open up with Tyler Stevens inside his office in RAW Towers in downtown
Seattle, Washington (does he ever leave?). Sitting in his chair, with his
hands folded ontop of his desk, he looks quite... for lack of a better word,
happy. With his hair down, a little past shoulder length, it sprawls across
the padded shoulders of his pinstriped Armani jacket (which simply has a
white t-shirt underneath)...]
Stevens: "People of RAW... The man who signs your paychecks is about to
address you all."
[Stevens pulls over some sheets of paper, and looks them over.]
Stevens: "First and foremost, I would like to thank everyone who made last
week's Sunday Night Main Event Live such a great success. We've received
numerous job-requests from several established wrestlers, some of whom you
will be hearing about tonight. And to those of you who participated in
Sunday Night Main Event Live, congratulations on surviving. Especially
those who advanced to the next round of the World Title Tournament. And
those who didn't, you'll get another shot at glory next Sunday in the North
American Title Tournament."
[Tyler looks through the next couple of pages and then throws them away in
disgust.]
Stevens: "Forget that. I don't need any scripts or anything like that.
This is MY "commentary" so I'll comment on what I want to comment. If Ricky
can do it, I'm doing it too."
"Speaking of good ol' Ricky Boy... Listen here. You sticking your nose in
Kid Delicious' business at Sunday Night Main Event Live isn't gonna fly.
You may be the Vice President, and may think that you can do whatever the
hell you please, but you gotta remember... I'm one step above you. Next
time you pull any sh[bleep] like that again Deathwish, I'll fine you big.
And what a story that'll be! The Vice President gets fined! You are NOT to
step into that ring without a valid RAW WRESTLING contract. Your current
contract says NOTHING about you getting involved in the ring. You are to
stay OUT of the wrestling ring, is that ABSOLUTELY CLEAR?"
[He looks to his left.]
Stevens: "Somebody get me an espresso, NOW..."
[Looking back at the camera.]
Stevens: "And Kid Delicious, Deathwish does have a point. Your primary
obligation is to RAW Wrestling, not your damn modeling. You can use your
modeling to promote yourself as a wrestler, but not the other way around.
We pay you to WRESTLE. Not pose for Playgirl."
"And in other news, Nick Demola. I believe that your "DownSouth Wrestling
Federation" owes us mucho-dineiro because of Mark Marleau's supposed injury
due to your federation's wrecklessness. Our lawyers will be contacting you
soon. And don't think that we can't easily outmatch you financially. We've
got our backers. We pay your salary. In FACT, we pretty much pay for the
DWF to operate! By paying your RAW salary, you are able to run that
godforesaken federation. So I think what might be appropriate is to take
away six months payment in compensation for the loss of money we've made by
signing Mark Marleau. Or perhaps, we won't pay Marleau and we'll legally
force you to pay him twice his salary?"
"We can sort this out later. While on the subject of money, one Thomas
Creighton has caught my eye. Tommy-boy, RAW is a federation that thrives on
competition. If you aren't planning on actually WRESTLING here, and just
want to make a few bucks by doing odd hits for some of the pansy-asses we've
got on our roster, then I suggest you take your business elsewhere. If you
do not cease this behavior, I'll be forced to take some sort of executive
action..."
[Tyler Stevens looks around.]
Stevens: "WHERE THE F[bleep] IS MY ESPRESSO G[bleep]MMIT!"
[Silence.]
Stevens: "If you want something done you gotta do it yourself..."
[Stevens gets up and walks off camera, as the scene fades and we open back
up inside RAW studios with Matt Anthony, who has seemingly pulled himself
back together.]
MA: Um, let's take you back one week ago to Sunday Night Main Event Live!
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
********SNMEL*RECAP*********
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
MA: Last Sunday was the first Sunday Night Main Event Live since early
1997, and what a Sunday Night it was!
[The screen flashes an image of Tyler Stevens entering and announcing
Travis' bye in the tournament.]
MA: To kick off the show, we heard about Mark Marleau's injury in the DWF
and consequently, Travis' bye in the World Title Tournament!
[A shot of Nick Demola squaring off against Jeff Jackson appears on the
screen.]
MA: But the real action kicked off as Nick Demola took on "Jagged" Jeff
Jackson in the first match of the night!
[Nick Demola applying an STF replaces the previous image.]
MA: Demola, who was quite technical in this encounter and interested in
being the center of attention, wound up getting a submission victory after
his patented "Vice Lock"...
[An image of Jackson tapping out to the Vice Lock appears. This image is
soon replaced by Johnny Alpha pinning a "distracted" Larry Spikowski...]
MA: And in the shortest match of the evening, Johnny Alpha advanced in the
World Title Tournament by pinning the "Nature Boy" Larry Spikowski in under
ten seconds, to the dismay of the Larry's Lesbian fans, who stormed the ring
soon thereafter. Vic Valiant took on Ken Davison in the next match, where
he was victorious, but decided to send a message to all those in RAW by
brutalizing Davison after the fact!
[A still shot of Vic Valiant applying Davison's own maneuver, the
Godzmisson, on Davison, followed by an image of Thomas Creighton smashing
Vic Creed with a hammer...]
MA: I'm sure Davison should have something to say about that... as should
Vic Creed, who, as mentioned by Tyler Stevens earlier in the show, was
attacked by Thomas Creighton with a hammer! Creed was given the DQ victory,
but it was Creighton who walked out without assistance...
But one of the most interesting segements of SNMEL involved the young Kid
Delicious, the new comer, Sex Pistol, and RAW's own Vice President Ricky
Deathwish! Let us take you back to last week and show you the footage from
that encounter!
***FROM SUNDAY NIGHT MAIN EVENT LIVE, MARCH 12th 2000***
[The camera crew arrives in Kid Delicious' locker room, which doesn't look
like much of a locker room. There's all sorts of camera equipment around the
room with a drape dropped down for background which has palm trees on it and
the ocean in the back ground. There's sand on the floor where Kid Delicious
is standing, wearing just a pair of blue swim trunks. There's all sorts of
lighting equipment, and a noisy photographer taking pictures and making Kid
D
pose in all sorts of different stances. Deathwish arrives on the scene.]
Photographer: Good, now bring your arms in closer to your body and give me a
devilish smile. Perfecto.
Ricky: (mimicking the photographer): Good.. that's greeeat! Okay, now
you're a jackass.. you're a full-fledged jackass. Go "brrrr" ... gooood!
[Kid Delicious stops what he's doing and stares at Deathwish.]
Ricky: Okay, you're in the unemployment line. Okay, imagine you're waiting
for your paycheck at the unemployment office because RAW has fired you for
breaking contract. Oo--KAY! And now you're not wrestling... and you're
breaking contract.. beautiful.. some more of that.
Kid D: Oh yeah I have a match with Brody Thunder. Sorry I forgot. Don't
worry
that peasant wont even show up for a match with me anyway. Besides as you
can
see I am kind of busy at the moment.
Ricky: Do you KNOW who you're wrestling?? Do you KNOW who Brody Thunder is?
He's, allegedly, the wrestler who could beat Ricky Deathwish... now I
understand your concern... you're thinking that there is no such man. Hey,
I said the same thing. I don't believe it either, but, true or not, Brody
Thunder is waiting for you to make your entrance so he can whoop your
photogenic butt and move on in the tournament. And quite frankly, I want
him to do the same.
KD: Like I care about some has been named Brody Thunder? Sounds like a real
peasant to me. So I forgot I had a match now just give me a minute IM almost
done here. I'll be out in a second.
Ricky (ignoring him): So I expect you to be a little more focused on what
you're doing when you've got somewhere to be, especially when it's a match
against Brody Thunder. This is RAW Wrestling, got it? You want to have
pictures taken of you, become successful and people will take pictures. You
might even write a book with yourself on the cover. BUT! You ain't done
nothing yet. So tell Versacci here (pointing to the photographer) to close
shop and be on your way.. now!
KD: I think you need to turn up your whistler 2000 cause it aint working. I
told you give me a minute.
Ricky: I said git!
KD: You know maybe if you looked half as good as me you would understand.
Ricky: You lousy punk. Why don't you grow up?
KD: Why don't you get a life? Instead of being jealous of me?
Ricky (as if thinking to himself): Maybe he doesn't WANT to grow up. Maybe
he's stuck in adolescence and needs his mommy for guidance. Hmm.. well, I'm
a dad, but I've never been a mom. I'll try anything once. You want
guidance? I'll give you guidance! This way!
[Before Kid Delicious reacts, Deathwish grabs him by the ear and runs him
into the door.]
Ricky: Whoops! It's closed. I'm sorry.
[Deathwish opens the door and bangs Kid's head into the wall.. then pushes
him out through the door, into the hall. He follows, grabs Kid by the ear
once again and begins leading him down the hallway, Kid wearing nothing but
his swim trunks.]
JPG: Wow.. he sure is a tough Mr. Mom!
BDM: Get over it, Johnny, he's not his mom. But he sort of reminds me of
Mammy.
JPG: You call your mother mam-- OOOH! Deathwish just ran Kid into another
wall. At this rate, they'll never reach the ring. Or at least Kid
Delicious won't.
BDM: Which isn't that bad of an idea.
[Deathwish walks past a conveniently-placed stack of water bottles.. he
swipes Kid D's face through the bottles and continues.]
JPG: Hey, they're pretty close to us.. here they come out from the back,
through the curtains and out where everyone can see them.
Crowd: POP X 100000000!!!! [as the two appear]
BDM: He's taking him all the way to the ring.. down the aisle. Brody
Thunder is gonna eat this "kid" up!
JPG: I would think so.. he's not even wearing shoes.
[Deathwish finally tosses Kid Delicious under the bottom rope by his ear and
lets him lie there. Ricky demands a microphone.]
Ricky: Who wants to see Beach Boy get whooped?
Crowd: POP X 10000000000!!!!!
Ricky: Careful people.. no flash photography.. we wouldn't want him to break
concentration on his match.. because he'll need every ounce of focus that
he's got.
Crowd: [begins a "VASELINE" chant]
Ricky: .. (waits) .. Okay, then, bring on the lions! Thunder, get out here
before I have to go get you, too.
JPG: Vice President Ricky Deathwish is calling out for Thunder.
BDM: He uses proper terms. Kid Delicious is a first-round peasant being
pitted against a lion. Huh, ironic how he calls everyone peasants and has
ended up one on Sunday night.
JPG: Brody Thunder has yet to come out. What's going on.. nobody's showing
up!
BDM: Maybe that's because--
JPG: Wait a second. There's a voice in my head.
BDM: You interrupt me to tell me about your psycho problems?
[Meanwhile, a messanger runs over to Ricky Deathwish and whispers something
to him.]
JPG: The guys backstage are saying that Brody Thunder has left the building.
Apparently he got tired of waiting for Kid Delicious and decided to head
home. Obviously feels like his time is too important to waste.
BDM: Maybe there'll be no match after all--
Ricky: Uh, ladies and gents.. I was just informed that Brody Thunder will
not wrestle tonight.
[Deathwish walks up the steps to the ring apron and enters the ring.]
Ricky: Therefore, I declare... by forfeit---
Crowd: BOO!!!
Ricky: Ah, what the hell---
[Deathwish sidesteps towards Kid Delicious and thrust kicks him in the
mouth, sending him down.]
Crowd: POP X 100000000!!!!!
JPG: Huh?
BDM: Cool..
JPG: 'Cool'? How old are you, Dick, ten?
BDM: All I know is that Ricky Deathwish just flattened that rookie with a
side kick.
JPG: That's right.. I don't think he wants Kid Delicious to leave the arena
without having had a match. He now lifts Kid up to his feet by the hair..
short forearm to the face.. and irish whips him now with authority.
BDM: Kid Delicious on his way back from the ropes.. Deathwish leapfrogs..
Delicious coming for the second round.. Deathwish falls flat and rolls
through, Kid D hops over and again bounces off the ropes.. Kid D tries a
clothesline, but in vain, as Deathwish easily ducks it and pushes Kid D into
the ropes.
JPG: My God, Kid Delicious once again bounces off the ropes and.. he doesn't
know what to do.. Deathwish sidesteps and shoulder butts his opponent into
the opposite ropes..
BDM: How much longer will this continue?
JPG: Deathwish finally catches Kid D with a quick headbutt in the middle of
the ring. This finally stops Kid Delicious from bouncing from one side of
the ring to the other.. but Kid D is dead on his feet.
BDM: Deathwish licks his palm and runs it through his hair, making fun of
Delicious, it seems.. pushes him with one hand... and KID D TIPS OVER! Ha
ha!
JPG: The young Kid Delicious must be a bit dizzy from that workout.
BDM: Don't forget frustrated!
JPG: And frustrated. Deathwish not wasting any time, stomps Delicious in
the shoulder. Again! Again! Feet like lightning from this man. Deathwish
checks with his elbow-- his elbow agrees that it's time for an elbowdrop.
BDM: But he misses it as Kid D rolls out of the way. Deathwish's elbow
agreed but his opponent did not. Kid D quickly mounts Deathwish and unloads
a few punches to the head of the boss. Deathwish slips away and reaches the
ropes, pulls himself up and immediately charges Delicious.
JPG: But Delicious is quick with a drop toe hold.. he brings Deathwish to
the ground and lets go. Deathwish to his feet quickly. The two stare off
and advance into a collar-and-elbow.. tied up in the middle of the ring.
Delicious attempts a suplex but that won't do.. tries again, unsuccessful
again. Deathwish tries his own.. and lands a snap suplex with lightning
speed. Still holds on, does Deathwish.. bridges up, sprawls sideways and
he's ended up with Delicious in a guillotine on the ground! What a
combination by a sly technician.
BDM: But that's an illegal choke, Johnny-Boy, or so our ref tells Deathwish.
Referee Darius Smooth demanding that Deathwish let go and he does. Why do
referees ruin all the fun?
JPG: Because we're trying to lower the number of deaths in wrestling.
BDM: Ouch.
JPG: The break gives Kid Delicious the chance to back off into the corner
while Deathwish complains to the referee that it wasn't a chokehold. No use
arguing, it's over now. Deathwish, a little ticked, approaches Delicious in
the corner. Swings with his right and misses.. Delicious ducks under and
pushes Deathwish into the corner. He goes up the ropes on top of Deathwish,
does Delicious!
BDM: This is not smart.
Crowd: (counting with Kid D's punches): 1............. 2...............
4............... 5............... 6............... 7...............
8............... 9...............
JPG: Deathwish taking some punishment.. Delicious measures him up for the
tenth punch.
Crowd: 10..--
BDM: Deathwish blocks the punch. He grabs Delicious around the waist and
begins ascending even further in the corner. He's on the top rope--
dangerous place to be for both of them..
Crowd: POP X 100000000000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JPG: Spinebuster! Killer spinebuster from the top rope. Delicious is
writhing in pain while Deathwish is a little out of it: his head bounced off
Kid's chest after they landed.
BDM: That must have been bad for Delicious, as well.
JPG: I bet. Referee Smooth checking with both of them.. and beginning the
standing ten count.
BDM: We might have a draw here if neither gets up.
JPG: But Kid Delicious is stirring and on his knees now. He crawls to the
ropes in the corner. Using the ropes to get up. Slumped over in the corner
is Delicious but at least he's up, unlike his opponent, and the count has
been stopped. Deathwish finally getting up.. he begins heading towards
Delicious but Delicious springs out of the corner with a shoulder block that
takes both men down. Kid D rolls over and hooks Deathwish's leg.
REFEREE DARIUS SMOOTH:
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO-- That's all!! Two count! Keep going.
JPG: Deathwish a little too strong to be pinned. He gets up a little
slowly, as does Kid Delicious, and backs up. Kid D thinks he has a chance
and begins on the offensive.. hits Deathwish with a few lefts and rights..
finally, pushes him into the ropes with a high knee lift. Deathwish tries
to fend off with a wild right-handed swing, but Kid D is quick to dodge--
and DDTs Ricky Deathwish!
BDM: But watch how fast Deathwish pops back up.. Kid D still thinking of
offense, lifts Deathwish up-- and jackhammers him down.. no pin. Kid
Delicious gets up and thinks for a second about celebrating a bit, but then
sees the veteran Deathwish slowly getting up on his knees. Kid D back to
work, punches Ricky, helps him up to his feet and ties up with him.
JPG: Deathwish stays rigid and doesn't let Kid get any moves out of the
tie-up. Pay attention to how he keeps grinding at Kid's neck.. he's not
interested in getting a move out, but rather wasting time and letting Kid D
get frustrated.
BDM: Uh-oh, you say Deathwish is being careful, but he just let Delicious
get an advantage and get a back switch. Kid D behind Deathwish and quickly
grabs him into a full nelson.
JPG: Deathwish calmly working with a man behind him.. Delicious begins
lifting Deathwish-- a full nelson slam-- REVERSED! Deathwish kicks his legs
in the air and ends up with a bulldog!!!! Wow! Great counter to the full
nelson slam. Deathwish is writing a book on staying two steps ahead in
there.
BDM: But this young kid is doing good, too. He's down on his face now, but
sure is conscientiously.. well, uh, conscious when he could have been out
cold by now. Maybe I spoke too soon: here comes Deathwish looking for
more.. violently drags Delicious up using his hair.
JPG: Wow, standing dropkick out of nowhere! Unbelievable elevation from a
standing position, but not enough to bring Delicious down. Kid only
staggers backwards. Deathwish follows. Delicious backed up into a corner..
Deathwish measures him for a chop.
Crowd: Whoooooo!!!
BDM: Unloads some rapid backhand chops.
Crowd: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!!
JPG: And backs up.. VP Ricky Deathwish at the other corner of the ring..
accelerates towards Kid D.. cartwheel, handspring elbow-- woah, no elbow..
changes his move into a baseball slide as he quickly notices Kid D preparing
to put his foot up.
BDM: That's what happened, there.. looked like it was going to be an elbow
but Kid got his foot up, to which Ricky Deathwish responded by sliding down
beneath him and chopping at Kid's other leg, the one that was on the ground.
JPG: You take away the tree trunk and the rest falls over, they say.. Kid D
falls to the ground while Deathwish gets back to the middle of the ring and
waits. This Deathwish has experience. He was always a wise ring general
but how much he has learned since I last saw him in RAW!
BDM: Well, I'll tell you, you're right. He's got natural talent.. but from
the looks of his ring movement, he's had practice and plenty of it. I'd say
the same for Delicious, but he hasn't had any experience yet. Only about
ten months out in pro wrestling, still a rookie, by far. He gives up a
great experience advantage not only to the veteran Deathwish but to many
other RAW competitors.
JPG: That's correct.
BDM: Heck, the referee, Darius Smooth, has over twenty times more wrestling
experience than this Kid D.
JPG: He'll get better with time.. they all do. But he's about to make a
mistake now. He's in no condition to be weak in the corner, yet he raises
himself up and slumps against the turnbuckles. He's better off just lying
there near the ropes but he's boosted himself up-- and here comes the train
they call Deathwish--
***FLASH!***
JPG: ...I don't know where YOU'VE been, but that sort of thing is unlikely
to
happen in RAW.
BDM: That's what they all say. Besides, who's he motioning to, then?
JPG: Her! Electra is coming down the aisle to meet her.. uh.. her man.
BDM: Yup... they're gonna pose together while Deathwish nurses his knee.
JPG: I'm sure that won't be happening.
[The beautiful Electra jogs down the aisle and begins yelling at the
referee.]
BDM: What's she hollering at Smooth for?
JPG: I haven't a clue.
BDM: As long as she jumps around a little bit, I don't think I mind having
her down here.
JPG: But the referee is not watching as Deathwish gets up slowly and ties up
with Delicious. Neutral position.. referee is NOT paying attention..
sheesh. Kid-- a rake to the eyes!! Ricky responds by stomping on Kid
Delicious' foot!!
BDM: Ha ha ha.. look at him! Kid D has no shoes! This is great! He's in
the worst pain of his life.
JPG: I guess his fire's being fought with more of the same.
BDM: From now on he'll wear two pairs of shoes to his matches. Boy that
must have hurt! Delicious is jumping around on one foot, holding the other.
JPG: Deathwish takes advantage of it.. he grabs the lifted leg of Delicious'
and -- what a northern lights suplex--- it's a cover-- but the referee is
not there to make the count.. he's forcing Electra to leave the ringside
area.
BDM: Come on ref, come get this over with.. it's an elementary three count.
Half the audience could count to three and do it themselves. Don't
disappoint us.
JPG: Deathwish notices that there's no count and let's go.. he's yelling at
referee Darius Smooth to turn around ..
BDM: Smooth turns around--
JPG: And Electra tosses something to Kid D!!
BDM: Referee turns to Electra to see what she threw-- you idiot, she doesn't
have it anymore!
*WHAAAAAAAAAMM!!!!*
JPG: Brass knuckles! She threw Kid Delicious brass knuckles!! And he just
leveled Deathwish... that's it... it's over for the Vice President.
BDM: All the referee's fault. I understand looking at Electra but that was
not the right time.
JPG: Kid could make a pin here, but he's going to the top. Wants to finish
in style, but i think he's being a little stupid. He's on the top rope,
ready for the finish--
BDM: Don't tell me he's going to pose some more! Oh man, he's wiping off
his brow and laughing at Deathwish on the mat below.
JPG: This is ridiculous.. he's pointing to the crowd... what's he going to
do, jump into the seats?
BDM: That would confuse me greatly.
JPG: ELBOW DROP!!! WHAT AN ELBOW!!
Crowd: POP X 1000000000!!!!!!!
BDM: That sure looks like a maneuver that one would give a name.. what's it
called, Johnny Boy?
JPG: He calls it the Delicious Drop.
BDM: I guess all that's left to do is cover him and make sure Smooth doesn't
go off staring at Electra again.
JPG: The cover by Kid D.
BDM: Referee in position.........
REFEREE DARIUS SMOOTH:
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JPG: He's got it!
REFEREE DARIUS SMOOTH: NO!!! NO 3!
Crowd: POP X 10000000000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JPG: OH MY!!
BDM: Deathwish, knocked out with brass knuckles and hit with the Delicious
Drop, raised his shoulder up--- and put his hand on Kid D's neck!!
JPG: He's got a hold of the jugular... he's got Kid D in his grip.
Deathwish, an amazing near loss for him. How in the world did he kick out?
BDM: Beats me.. he was done.. he was done for.. for sure!
JPG: Something in him kept ticking.. keeps ticking now.. he gets to his
knees, still holding Delicious... and Delicious is forced to get up too...
CHOKESLAM!!!
Crowd: POP X 10000000000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JPG: Big chokeslam by Deathwish... Deathwish holds on--- he's got the choke
still... he's holding it tight.
BDM: He lifts Delicious again... and this time ... oh baby, what a slam!
JPG: A two-hand chokeslam powerbomb... Kid Delicious is layed out. He's
gone.. this one is for the for the history books.
JPG: But Deathwish makes no cover. He merely gets up and walks to the
corner... ducks under the ropes, and what the hell? He's leaving the ring..
down the steps and down the aisle.
BDM: What's he doing? What is this?
JPG: He didn't cover.. and he's not going to. Why--
BDM: Look at that, Johnny Boy!
JPG: What?
BDM: Coming down the aisle--
JPG: The Sex Pistol!!
BDM: He's going to deck Deathwish!
JPG: No..he runs right past him...
BDM: And into the ring..
JPG: What's going on?
BDM: He stands over the knocked-out Kid Delicious... legdrop!
JPG: He's attacking Kid D after he was handed over to him half-alive by
Ricky D.
BDM: That's not a bad strategy.. but a little dirty. Could have been
dirtier. Then it would have been a great strategy.
JPG: But what we have here is a continuation of a match with Sex Pistol
given a huge advantage over a hurt Kid D.
BDM: These two have had words about one another.. some heated things
exchanged between the two has caused this. Kid D is going to get his, now.
JPG: Sex Pistol drags Kid D up to his feet... and grabs a hold of his head.
BDM: I forsee pain in Kid D's future.
JPG: I forsee a -- a spinning neckbreaker!! Well-executed maneuver by the
Sex Pistol. A version of the spinning neckbreaker that he calls the
Champagne Supernova.
BDM: Well, bust out the champagne, because Sex Pistol will soon have a
victory to celebrate.
JPG: He feels it, too, standing in the ring, looking down at Kid D.
BDM: But look at Ricky Deathwish.. he's stopped dead in his tracks in the
middle of the aisle. He's looking at the ring.
JPG: I guess he's happy to see Kid Delicious being beaten.. after all that
has happened.. the modeling incident in the locker room that delayed Kid D
for his match, thus costing an appearance by Brody Thunder.
BDM: Or not-- Deathwish dashes towards the ring... he rushes past Electra---
whooops, knocks her down.
JPG: Deathwish accidentally brushes against Electra and sends her flying..
he doesn't stop but referee Darius Smooth is once again there to see what's
going on. He leans over the rope and inquires if the lady is all right. He
sure is interested in her safety.
BDM: Meanwhile, Deathwish has scooped up a wooden chair from ringside.. he's
in the ring...
*CRAAAAAAACKKKKK!!*
JPG: What impact!
BDM: Hear that! The sound of a chair being busted into a million splinters.
And by the way, that loud cracking sound you heard was Sex Pistol's
spine!!!!
JPG: Ricky Deathwish has layed out the Sex Pistol!
BDM: Of all people!
JPG: Kid Delicious doesn't even know it.. Delicious probably doesn't know
what's what.
BDM: He must be thinking that Abraham Lincoln just hit George Washington
with a cherry tree... sure had as much impact. But Kid D is in LaLa Land..
which is a step better than where Sex Pistol is.
JPG: Pistol is down and out.. he's not getting up.
BDM: Pistol on his stomach, not moving at all. Delicious stumbles up.. he's
not orientated.. he's clueless as to where he is.
JPG: But he's going somewhere-- he's going to the top rope.. why ever would
he do that?
BDM: He's confused. He thinks he's still wrestling.
JPG: He's climbing the rope.
BDM: While Deathwish is leaving the ring.
JPG: And Referee Smooth is on the OUTSIDE!!! He's actually helping Electra
get up!
BDM: Get back in, you old coot!! You have a match to referee, you referee.
JPG: Maybe he thinks part of his job description is crowding this lovely
lady, Electra.
BDM: No, his job is to---------
Crowd: POP X 10000000000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JPG: DELICIOUS DROP!!!!!!!!
BDM: That's twice today!!
JPG: What an absolutely great move!
BDM: What a shame that Kid D is out of it. He can't cover.. he's not going
to cover.
JPG: But he's got Sex Pistol dead in the ring.
BDM: He better cover soon.. because if any man will move first, it'll be Kid
D.
JPG: He's stirring!
BDM: Just like I said.
JPG: He's moving!
BDM: That's right.
JPG: He rolls Sex Pistol over.... he covers!!!
BDM: The referee sees it! He slides into the ring.... he's counting..
REFEREE DARIUS SMOOTH:
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S OVER!! THAT'S IT!!
[We cut back to Matt Anthony in RAW Studios...]
MA: WHAT A MATCH! Now THAT had everything a match should have! Now,
here's an example of the exact opposite. "The Drifter" Eddie Drysdale made
short work of Xavier, by absolutely kicking the holy crap out of him and
pinning him in under three minutes. Worth another look? I don't think so.
But what IS worth some discussion is Rantai MacMulligan's victory over Brian
Damage but wait... We... umm... well, someone has just been put through to
me. Sir, who are you?
Gravely Voice: Yeah, this that Mark Antony f<BLEEP>er?
MA: Yes, this is MATT ANTHONY. Who the hell are you? Is this a prank call?
Who screened this?
Voice: This is Petree.
[Pause.]
MA: Who?
P: Petree, f<BLEEP>er! Petree of the Singapore Bandits! F<BLEEP>in’ hell...
MA: Ah yes! I apologize! Mr. Petree the uh... vertically challenged manager
of The Bandits. Nice to have you on the show, Mr. Petree. What’s on your
mind?
P [bluntly]: Midget.
MA [confused]: I’m sorry?
P: I’m a f<BLEEP>in’ midget. I was born with a f<BLEEP>in’ pituitary defect,
s<BLEEP>head. That makes me a midget.
MA: Oh... I... thought it was offensive... sorry.
P: Yeah, well don’t f<BLEEP>in’ try to think. Just f<BLEEP>in’ listen. Can
you manage that, s<BLEEP> features?
MA: ...
P: Good. I ain’t one for the f<BLEEP>in’ preamble, so here we go. There’s
one damn thing wrong with this f<BLEEP>in’ s<BLEEP>pile of a federation. It’
s full of f<BLEEP>in’ retards and s<BLEEP>s that can’t hear what their bein’
told.
When Rantai MacMulligan f<BLEEP>in’ talk, you people better f<BLEEP>in’
listen.
When James Warnham f<BLEEP>in’ talk, you people better f<BLEEP>in’ well
listen.
And when Dances With Canes f<BLEEP>in’ talk, you sure as f<BLEEP>in’ hell
better listen!
Dances With Canes ain’t just no f<BLEEP>in’ glorified ballboy, s<BLEEP>bags.
He ain’t just no f<BLEEP>in’ comedy manager either. Me and The Bandits have
been tight for more f<BLEEP>in’ years than most of the f<BLEEP>in’ babies
running around here have pubic hairs!
Naw, Dances With Canes got the ear of The Bandits. He knows who they comin’
after f<BLEEP>in’ FIRST, who they comin’ after f<BLEEP>in’ NEXT, and who
they just got preliminary f<BLEEP>in’ plans to go after. And I’m here to
give you a report.
MA: A report? What kind of a report?
P: Aww, I got to come up with a f<BLEEP>in’ name now? Well... just call it
“Reportin’ With Canes”. Yeah! “Reportin’ With Canes”! ‘Cause whoever
f<BLEEP>in’ in the Report gonna get Canes! F<BLEEP>in’-A. Gonna get Canes...
MA: Well, okay. Reporting With Canes. Fire away, Petree.
P: First we got some f<BLEEP>in’ pansy boy who thinks he’s got some right to
f<BLEEP> his way up to my buddy Rantai’s ever so f<BLEEP>in’ elevated level.
F<BLEEP>in’ McCray is his name, and as far as I can f<BLEEP>in’ tell, the
best thing he has goin’ for him is his f<BLEEP>in’ hair.
Yeah, f<BLEEP>er. Hair gonna get you past Rantai and that f<BLEEP>in’ death
stick of his! Dances With Canes got some words of advice for McCray. McCray,
when it f<BLEEP>in’ comes to The Singapore Bandits, just f<BLEEP>in’ do what
you do when Kid F<BLEEP>in’ Delicious asks you to pick up the soap in the
showers.
Close yer eyes, grit yer teeth, and let it run it’s f<BLEEP>in’ course!
[Matt Anthony coughs uncomfortably as Petree cackled over the phone line.]
P: Yeah, and next on Reportin’ With Canes we got some f<BLEEP>in’ big shot
callin’ himself the f<BLEEP>in’ Drifter. Yeah, Rantai is facin’ him in the
next f<BLEEP>in’ round of the World Title Tournament, and let me just lay it
out all nice and f<BLEEP>in’ straight for ya, Drifter.
Drift on outta here, f<BLEEP>er. ‘Cause Rantai don’t give a s<BLEEP> for
your new boy buzz, or your f<BLEEP>in’ mysterious ass airs. When it comes
f<BLEEP>in’ time to climb in that ring with Rantai, you lower your
f<BLEEP>in’ head, wake up in the hospital, and never f<BLEEP>in’ darken The
Bandit’s door a-f<BLEEP>in’-gain. Got that, Driftin’ boy?
Well, you’d f<BLEEP>in’ better, ‘cause otherwise you’ll be thumbin’ your way
to the morgue in a f<BLEEP>in’ bodybag.
MA: Um... Mr. Petree, I’ve received a request from our censors to cut the
profanity to a minimum. Their fingers are hurting.
P: Who f<BLEEP>in’ told you to f<BLEEP>in’ call me Petree?
MA: Um... you did?
P: F<BLEEP> I did! I’m f<BLEEP>in’ Dances With Canes, and this has
f<BLEEP>in’ been Reportin’ With Canes. So f<BLEEP> y’all.
MA: Mr. Dances, I’m getting that request again and...
<*CLICK*>
*Bzzzzzzzzzzz...*
MA: Mr. Canes? Petree? Well... it looks like we lost him folks. Or maybe he
was done... I couldn’t tell... Well, let’s move on to our next segment...
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
****HIRINGS*AND*FIRINGS*****
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
MA: Since Sunday Night Main Event Live, we here at RAW have received
NUMEROUS requests for a spot on our talented roster. Here are RAW's most
recent signee's...
(Scene is static. Over the static, the distant,
distorted voice of what appears to be a newscaster can
be heard over the top)
Newscaster: Onto sports news, and the wrestling
federation RAW shocked the sports entertainment world
today with the signing of the man they call the
"Professional Weirdo", AWMC star Obsessive Compulsive
Disorder.
(As this line ends, the plinky xylophone and drums
start of "Flyswatter" by the Eels can be heard.
Various shots are flashed up on scene)
##Little field mice living under the house##
(Shot is flashed up of a press conference. Flashes
can be seen going off as RAW VP Ricky Deathwish shakes
hands with OCD. OCD seems happy, the deranged smile
gone off his face for once. He wears white Pokemon
Jigglypuff T-shirt, an army surplus jacket, and a pair
of black jeans)
##Never eating much, tough life for a mouse##
(We see a photo of OCD as he graduated from wrestling
college back in 1998. He seems green, a lot healthier
looking than now. His undeveloped body is completely
devoid of all scars as he pulls a young, naļve grin at
the camera, dressed in a completely uncharacteristic
set of black trunks)
##And if you think you're gonna be spared##
(We see OCD in his UWC days, tying up "The Sentry"
Marcus Vitel in a straightjacket that was meant for
him. Vitel is juicing heavily as OCD forces the
straightjacket upon him. When he finishes, OCD picks
up his trusty steel chair, Steve Jobs the Steel Chair.
As he goes to hit Vitel though, he stops, as if
thinking about something)
##You're wrong##
(After this, he brings the chair straight down on
Vitel's skull, making a sickening sound, as the shard
glass, thumb tacks, and barbed wire introduce
themselves to Vitel's head. Seeing the destruction,
OCD smiles a bit wider, happy at what he's just done)
##Field mice, head lice, spiders in the kitchen##
(OCD lifts "The Panther" Jared Mathys into the
fireman's carry position in the middle of a car park,
and delivers his patented "Descent Into Madness" onto
the bonnet of a parked Buick. The metal crushes with
the impact, as does Mathys)
##Don't think twice 'bout whatever keeps you itching##
(OCD piledrivers CJ Bender through three stacked
tables, the bottom one being cold harsh metal. OCD
obviously has been through it in this match, his
Handsome Boy Modelling School T-shirt being drenched
completely in blood. Even though, he still manages to
pull a completely nonchalant pin out there)
##Ice water, flyswatter##
(Again with Marcus Vitel, this time in the UWC's
Anarky Cup final. OCD repeatedly smashes Vitel's head
into the side of a five sided cage, before brutally
hitting him round the head with Steve Jobs. As Vitel
crumples with this impact, OCD stands still for a
second, a moment of serenity in his life, a moment
with no chair shots or hammer strikes to bother him)
##Gonna get you through##
(OCD hooks Vitel's left leg as the referee hits a
three count)
##The day##
(The referee hands OCD the Anarky title. He holds it
aloft, proud. The flashes around him form a faux-halo
as he smiles, delighted at his achievements. The
blood dripping from his face, the newly acquired
scars, none of that seems to bother OCD as he has his
new toy)
##Heat is rolling in like Hell's red rug##
(OCD is shown handcuffed to a cage, getting completely
wasted by "24 Karat" Kerry Powell and "Big" John Sax,
who lay into him remorselessly, as they did during the
UWC's headlining Team Powell/ Group Therapy feud.
##Stinking like the breath of Beelzebub##
(A rare, early shot of OCD's career, that of him
cleaning house in the TCW's Philadelphia Rumble. He
comes in quickly to the ring, just waylaying anyone
who comes into close contact with him. His first
match as a full time pro, and one anybody would be
proud of)
##And of you think you wont walk on coals##
(A promotional shot of OCD. He stands in the middle
of a deserted park, out of his make-up, save for nail
polish. He wears a Fountains of Wayne T-shirt, and
cheap faded blue jeans. He looks directly at the
camera, knowingly, smiling, his straggly black hair
covering his shoulders, his deep blue eyes penetrating
the heart of anyone who stares at him
##You will##
(A shot of OCD's logo, the angel wiping her nose with
the back of her left hand in order to halt a
nosebleed. The inscription "Professional Weirdo- It's
Gotta Be Big" is written at the bottom of the screen.
Picture slowly fades back to static, as the line "You
will" is repeated over and over again, slowly melting
into the static)
MA: Whoa-kay... OCD everybody... quite an... interesting individual...
here's someone a bit more... conventional for you! Former three time UCWF
World Heavyweight Champion Vik Ventressa has recently been signed by RAW!
Making his way up through the AWA and the EWF, Ventressa has recently been
on a hiatus as of late to clear up old injuries sustained over his six year
plus professional career. Bringins his wife Tara Silver back to manage the
business end of his career, Ventressa is one of the most hard-working and
intense young wrestlers still in the prime of his career. He will be
debuting on television in the coming weeks, so keep your eyes peeled!
In tag team competition, we've recently acquired the infamous IWA tag team,
the Merseysiders! Alan Mangan and Lee Roberts come to us from Liverpool,
England! Just a bunch of "common lads", in their words, from the rough
streets of Liverpool, who have survived on sheer determination. These
fan-favorites are a great addition to our rapidly expanding Tag Team
division.
[Anthony pauses as he looks over the next new addition's file...]
MA: Coming soon to RAW, the former extreme sports superstar, a legend of
the IWA, a master of the squared circle-- What the heck? Who the hell writs
this crap? I refuse to read this! All I have to say is that Nick Danger's
coming and he really REALLY sucks... Let's see what's going on next week on
Sunday Night Main Event Live!
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
*****NEXT*WEEK*ON*SNMEL*****
****WITH*JOHN*PAUL*GALLO****
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
[The words "SNMEL CONTROL CENTER" flash across the screen as we're suddenly
in a different news studio. John Paul Gallo is seen sitting behind the desk,
with a huge stack of papers on his right.]
JPG: Welcome everyone to the Sunday Night Main Event Live Control Center!
After a successful premiere, we're gearing up for our second show, next
Sunday, March 26th! And without further ado, here is the lineup!
CARDSUBJECTTOCHANGE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SUNDAY NIGHT MAIN EVENT LIVE! II
LIVE FROM THE POND
IN ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA, USA
SUNDAY, MARCH 26th, 2000
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WORLD TITLE TOURNAMENT--SECOND ROUND
1--Nick Demola vs. Johnny Alpha--
2--Vic Valiant vs. Travis--
3--Vic Creed vs. Kid Delicious--
4--Eddie Drysdale vs. Rantai MacMulligan--
NORTH AMERICAN TITLE TOURNAMENT--FIRST ROUND
5--Obsessive Compulsive Disorder vs. Larry Spikowski--
6--Ken Davison vs. Douglas McCray--
7--Thomas Creighton vs. Sex Pistol--
8--Nick Danger vs. Vik Ventressa--
JPG: I'm John Paul Gallo, and I'll see you next week on Sunday Night Main
Event Live 2!!
[We cut back to Matt Anthony in the Retrospect studio...]
MA: Thanks JP, and that's pretty much it from me for this week! I'll leave
you with the current rankings, and then we'll have the premiere of Ricky
Deathwish's interview segment! Till next week!
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
**********RANKINGS**********
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
~~WORLD CHAMPION~~ VACANT
~~NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION~~ VACANT
~~YOUNG BLOOD CHAMPION~~ VACANT
WORLD TITLE CONTENDERS (Currently)
Travis 1-0-0 833pts
Vic Valiant 1-0-0 833pts
Nick Demola 1-0-0 833pts
Vic Creed 1-0-0 833pts
Eddie Drysdale 1-0-0 833pts
Johnny Alpha 1-0-0 833pts
Kid Delicious 1-0-0 833pts
Rantai MacMulligan 1-0-0 833pts
NORTH AMERICAN/YOUNG BLOOD TITLE CONTENDERS (Currently)
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder 0-0-0 500pts
Nick Danger 0-0-0 500pts
Douglas McCray 0-0-0 500pts
Vik Ventressa 0-0-0 500pts
Sex Pistol 0-1-0 417pts
Mark Marleau 0-1-0 417pts
Larry Spikowski 0-1-0 417pts
Ken Davison 0-1-0 417pts
Jeff Jackson 0-1-0 417pts
Brian Damage 0-1-0 417pts
Thomas Creighton 0-1-0 417pts
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
******DEATHWISH*CORNER******
****WITH*RICKY*DEATHWISH****
//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\
VOICE OVER: WWWWWW-elcome! Your host Ricky Deathwish is here to take your
mind off of
your worries and to remind you that global warming is messing with our
weather, just about every country has the bomb, tornado season is coming up
in America, our next President will either be a nepotistic Yale druggie or a
tree from Harvard, and national hate crimes are neck and neck in a race with
school violence. And here he is... RICKY DEATHWISH!
[Applause from the Applause-o-Matic audience in a can machine. Deathwish
enters the scene in green St. Patrick's day garb, a green Yvves-St. Lawrence
2-piece suit, in fact. He walks across the stage and looks around the room
for a place to sit. There are two bean bag chairs.. both green, and
Deathwish gives the off-camera producers a look like, "I ain't sitting in no
green bean bag chair!!" He receives some kind of gesture in reply and
scoffs to himself as he plops himself down into the chair.]
Ricky Deathwish: Hello.. and welcome to this special edition of Retrospect..
special because it's the first ever Retrospect to feature a full-length show
hosted by yours truly. Also special because I'm still bombed from Friday.
There will be a guest on tonight, but I'm not happy about having him, so I'm
not even going to tell you. Maybe not mentioning my guest will keep you on
this channel until he shows up.
Let's get down to business. Last week you were asked to call in and go to
the RAW website to vote for the name of my show. We've received a
tremendous number of results especially in the last few days so it is extra
hard for us to decide on what to use. So, what we'll do is we'll have a few
finalists listed up on the screen in a few minutes. You will have another
opportunity to vote on the options and then, at the April 2 Retrospect, a
winning name will be chosen.
Now, let's see what you the viewers suggested:
[A graphic comes up.. NAME THE SHOW VIEWER SUGGESTIONS pops up on the
screen.]
First...
[On the screen: RAGIN' BULL]
Huh.. well, I guess there are some diehard old fans who remember the show.
I don't even remember Thursday but I have a reason of sorts. But if Ragin'
Bull is what the voting will favor, well, color me Italian and call me Jake
La Motta.
[On the screen: RICKY'S ROAD]
I guess a play on Rocky Road.. and indeed, whoever faces the Mangler has a
rocky road ahead of them.. and we ain't talkin' ice cream.
[On the screen: RAW MEAT]
Uh.. that's kind of a not-so-pleasant name, but I see how it works. I, of
course, am the meet of any wrestling organization, show or match.. and then
you have the raw meat that one such mangler as I would tear up.. and so
forth.
[On the screen: WACKY WORLD OF LOONEY FUN, NUTTY SHENANIGANS, REBEL ROUSING
AND RICKY DEATHWISH]
Yeah.. right. What else?
[On the screen: THE RICKY DEATHFISH SHOW]
WHAT?! Come on! Screw that! I hope you're happy.. because I don't find
this funny, not at all.
So... these are your four... oh, fine, five choices.. but you better not
vote for Deathfish.
Follow the instructions on your screen now to vote.
[OOC: if you want to vote as well, e-mail a...@cae.uwm.edu with your choice]
Man.. Deathfish.. buncha bastards. Fine, forget it.. I'm not doing the show
anymore.
No way.. I'm done.
I don't care.
I won't do no stupid monolog. Do I look like Jay Leno to you? Am I The
Rock, huh?
I'm not even going to interview that idiot that you lined up for me.
Contract? Take your contract and-- oh, fine... whatever... let's get this
done with quickly.
Let's see.. great show, blah blah, skip all that crap.. just get to the
guest. Okay, here we go. Bring him out.
I'm not introducing him. I'm not-- FINE!
The first guest on a brand new show is usually someone big, someone
who people will tune in to watch as well as someone who will make me, your
levered reader-- your revered leader-- you should-- I should -- MY GUEST
should make me look good, and make the show look good, but not necessarily
look good himself, because I'm supposed to be the lood gooking one-- GOOD
LOOKING one.. God, when did I become as inarticulate and tongue-tied as
Richard Simmons at the Playboy Mansion?
Anyhow, my guest is not some big superstar whose mere presence brings in
ratings. Nor is he so talented with words that the interview will make me
shine as a host. Even his name is unmarketable. But, he is nonetheless the
first person that the screwy producers of the show decided to force on me.
I guess I have no choice but to introduce him, so...
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome for your prolonged boredom, the
unworthy man whose claim to life is sex appeal -- questionable, for he has
yet to get 'a-head' in life -- and also the man whose name inspires a mirthy
chuckle such that would be produced from reading an irony-laden Dickens
novel.. a Brit who won't quit.. a Brit who won't see the dentist (but what
Brit would?) and a Brit whose mother, upon giving birth to him, requested a
loaded pistol as a solution to the sin that produced such an ugly baby.. and
that explains the name.. here is Sex Pistol!!
(Sex Pistol walks in, waves to the fans, and sits down. He looks
uncomfortable, to say the least. Deathwish eyes him suspiciously and takes
a drink of water before addressing Sex Pistol.)
Ricky: "It is a pleasure to have you here" ... is what I would say if A) I
liked you, B) I knew you, or C) I cared. Instead, I'm going to ask you to
tell me what's on your mind. Oh, and though I wholeheartedly believe that
your answer will be no longer than two or three attempts at sentences, I
will ask you to keep it short.. although.. uh, "Pistol," that's something
that you don't have a problem with either, my sources tell me.
Sex Pistol: Ricky, that’s the oldest damn joke in the book. As for what’s
on my mind, I was kinda hoping that you’d be able to explain something to
me.
Ricky: Explain something? I dun hafta 'splain nothing. Now just slow down
and catch your breath, speedy. We'll get down to business in due time.
Perhaps you want to tell us a little about yourself.
Sex Pistol: Well, I’m from Sheffield, England, which is where the ‘Full
Monty’ was filmed. I’ve been wrestling since August, and I've already won 2
lightweight titles, both in my first fed, POW. I was a founder member of
SonicFlood, one of the greatest stables around, and when that disbanded due
to politics, I formed the Sex Stable, which was even better. Also, I was
the fan's favourite wrestler of the month in November, the same month I took
part in the match of the month, and I won the first ever annual POW
Heart-throb Hunk award. Obviously, I'm not pretending I've done everything,
but I'm pretty much on my way there--
Ricky: (interrupting) Feel free to take up as much air time as you need to
record the audiobook _The Unabridged Guide to Sex Pistol's Meaningless
Life_. That's right, ignore the fact that nobody cares, and force feed your
life story down the remaining viewers' throats.
Sex Pistol: You know, I really can’t see why you have such a problem with
me. What’s up with your attitude, man?
Ricky: Oh, please.. I'm sorry, don't cry on my account. (with a big, happy
grin) You can do it! If you believe in yourself, you can be whatever you
set your sights on. You can be an astronaut, a fireman.. you can even be a
Teletubby if you try really hard. I'll tell you what else, you can be the
first ever president to be called the Sex Pistol.. no, second.
Sex Pistol: Well, forget about all that. I just wanna be RAW’s first North
American champ. You see, in my last fed, I won two titles, but they were
both cruiserweight belts, and I think that it’s time for me to start
fighting the big shots.
Ricky: Oh, isn't that special.. you've won two cruiserweight titles.. am I
happy for you or what. But now you want to just come in here and win the
North American title? I've held the RAW North American title and it's not
for the weak. But you want to win it? Fine. You know, RAW has just started
up and everything is nice and neat and orderly. What we're going to
experience in a few weeks is this big shake up of the place where the
actions and performances of the RAW roster will rearrange the order and
determine who's good and who needs to battle his way up the ladder. You may
well be towards the top, Sex Pistol, but chances are that far better RAW
wrestlers will push you towards the bottom.
Sex Pistol: Well, starting a week today, I’m gonna make you eat those words,
and ya know what? I hope you damn choke on them!
Ricky: I will. And that's the right kind of spirit, Bucky.. you'll be a
hoser soon enough. Oh hey, in your country that sure doesn't mean fireman,
does it? But you can be a hoser anyway. Speaking of which, tell me
something about your entrance
music.
Sex Pistol: It’s a great song. It gets people into the mood for a great
match, which is what always follows it.
Ricky: Yeah... but, uh, it's "Livin' La Vida Loca." What, are you hispanic?
Sex Pistol: Well, I wasn’t born in Spain, no.
Ricky: (chuckles) Right.. well.. but Ricky Martin?
Sex Pistol: My mother was a Spanish dancer. The music’s in memory of her.
(wipes a tear from his eye.)
Ricky: This is beautiful. Can we edit this, put a gold fringe around the
screen and play a few high notes on the piano while the audience experiences
a catharsis? Please, Pistol, tell us some heartbreaking tales. (sips from
his glass of water) But seriously.. there's way too much time left. I'm
supposed to fill a lion's share of poop of time talking to you, and quite
frankly, it's nearing nap time for you, buddy, and you're not fun to talk
to, so I don't know what to do.
Sex Pistol: How about you talk about the match against Kid Delicious last
week?
Ricky: You're soooo out of line telling me what to do. And you're soooo
boring.. why don't you get excited? What'll make you excited? (yelling to a
supposed producer) Hey!! Can we filter in some Ricky Martin music to get
this boy excited? (humming) One, two, three, ole ole ole.. come on, Pistol,
dance or something.
Sex Pistol: You know, I feel that you owe it to me, and to all my fans to
tell us what you were doing last week.
Ricky: Oh no, you didn't just tell me that I owe something to you and your
one fan. Speaking of your one fan, that girl of yours.. what's her name,
Sarah?
Sex Pistol: Yeah
Ricky: Tell us a little about her.
Sex Pistol: She’s my girlfriend, and she’s also my manager. She’s been
there through the good times, and she’s been there through the not so good
times.
Ricky: NOW you're getting a little excited. Would you like a throw pillow or
something to save some embarrassment? No? Okay.. well, tell us again how
long you two have been going out?
Sex Pistol: Just under three years
Ricky: And she's how old?
Sex Pistol: 18
Ricky: And you're how old?
Sex Pistol: 21
Ricky: Pistol, I don't know how to tell you this, but I just did the math
and.. and you've been naughty, Pistol. You've been "firing shots at
unauthorized targets," Mr. Pistol.
Sex Pistol: Are you saying what I think you’re saying? A mouth like that
could get someone into trouble. I’m starting to see why they call you
Deathwish!
Ricky: I wonder if her mouth didn't get you in trouble.. with the law. Hey
buddy, rock the cradle, don't rob it. Pedophile. Do I have to continue this
show? Can't I just report him to the police and we can cut away to The Best
of Deathwish?
[there is a reply from backstage]
What do you mean there IS no Best of Deathwish? Just because this is the
first show?
[another reply]
Then go to a video store and pick yourself up one of four tapes.. (turning
to the camera and putting on his best shill face) And you too, ladies and
gentlemen, can pick up one of the following Ricky Deathwish videos by
calling
1-888-MANWISH..
that's 1-888-M-A-N-W-I-S-H..
which as you know stands for Mangler and Deathwish.. but, uh, we've been
receiving a lot of perverted women, and sometimes men calling in and saying
some dirty stuff. For the last time, this is a line to order Ricky Deathwish
merchandise, you sickos. God, I need to have that number changed. Anyway,
call and order at the lowest market prices one of the following videos:
Ricky Bloody Ricky - the best of the best when I'm covered in blood. This
video is about ten pints worth of bloody action.
RAW is Ricky
and
Ricky is WAR! - a two-tape set. A compilation of classic as well as
never-before-seen footage of my days in RAW, WAR!, and even TKO!. The first
tape contains my awesome impromptu street brawl with the one and only Kevin
Douglas.
Ricky Deathwish: Best of the Feud - my most favorite feuds, including
Raider, Prince Vejita, Zelgadiss, Nick Demola, Hangman, and many others.
finally, order the Ricky Deathwish Retrospective videotape.. the best
wrestler documentary ever.
Call 1-888-MANWISH and order your videos, t-shirts, CDs, posters, and so on.
[Deathwish notices Sex Pistol.]
Oh, you're still here? Well, then, why don't you just.. uh.. let me see
what you can do. Oh yeah, why don't you tells us about your upcoming match.
This time next week you will be facing Thomas Creighton. Tell us how you
feel.
Sex Pistol: Well, I can’t say that I’m gonna have any problems taking care
of Creighton. He’s not a wrestler, he’s just a hired thug. In fact, he's
the one person I saw last week who had even less talent than that Sex Pistol
wannabe Kid Delicious
Ricky: Say, what's your problem with Kid Delicious anyway? That pathetic
pin-up punk have better teeth than you or something?
Sex Pistol: Well, I had that match in the bag before you stuck your big
damn nose in where it wasn’t wanted! You know I should be in the next
round, so why don’t you just admit it!
Ricky: I'm on trial here? I'm on trial and you, the little puke who got his
big break by showing up on my show, you the ungrateful little puke, are
prosecuting me? Not to mention that you're bringing up lies.. weeell.. let
me say something about what happened. First, Kid Delicious, that no-good,
no-talent, no-show made a mistake? That's an understatement. He lost RAW a
talented wrestler named Brody Thunder.. and nobody is happy about that.
NOBODY! He made the mistake of forgetting that he had a match. I can't
believe that anybody who hasn't recently suffered a hammer blow to the head
would forget about a wrestling match.. that's just, to quote the Ramseys..
"uh.. unbelievable beyond believing belief." He has the nerve to no-show
and the outstanding idiocy to talk back to me when he's being reprimanded
for being the top doofus in the organization. What an idiot!
I guess when I saw that he needed to be tought a lesson, I felt that just
letting him leave the arena without a fight would be reckless of me. So, I
got into the ring and gave him the whooping that one would expect Ricky
Deathwish to lay down on a rookie wrestler who doubles as an expert doofus.
I gave him quite a beating and quite frankly, taught him a lesson that his
bones will never forget. I left him in the ring to think about it when all
of a sudden, your opportunistic ass decides to get off the couch backstage
and rush down to take advantage of a KOed individual. At first I thought,
sure, that sissy picture model deserves to be laid out even after being laid
out professionally. Furthermore, he deserves to be humiliated by someone
who keeps dropping his name in interviews like Rush Limbaugh drops ass at
Taco Bell.
But then, Mr. Pistol, I realized that I don't like you... you're this crappy
little Brit who waves to the fans and is willing to take credit for someone
else's work. Yes, the mangling of Kid Delicious was my work, not yours, and
yet you were going to cover him, win, and even move on to the next round of
the tournament. Well, imagine that! You move on in the tournament after
doing absolutely nothing? Travis maybe, but not you! You, sir, have no
such rights. And so, you were properly chaired over the head and pinned by
your favorite enemy, Kid Delicious. I hope you had a good cry about that
and your dead mommy, son.
And I hope you've dried your eyes for next week, when Thomas Creighton, paid
goon as you call him, will give you one hell of a beating for free. You
can't even beat someone who has been knocked out of his gourd's
comprehension by Ricky Deathwish... how do you expect to beat a large,
conscious man with a beating on his mind? You oughtn't expect it because
you won't be able to.
Pistol, you don't stand a chance of standing when your match on Sunday comes
to a violent finale.. I'll make sure of it, personally.
Pistol: What, you mean I’m gonna get screwed by the staff again? You got
any other surprises?
Deathwish: Now that you mention it.. yeah, I do. I thought to make this
show a bit more exciting-- aside from calling it the Deathfish show..
jerks.. that maybe I'd invite another guest to add a ying to your ugly-ass
yang.
[While Ricky Deathwish speaks, Thomas Creighton emerges from backstage,
behind Sex Pistol's back. He stands behind Sex Pistol, with a grin.]
Creighton: "Hello, twerp! I don't know why you are on this show today,
because the people out there don't want to hear from a nobody who doesn't
even stand out from the other boy-toy wannabes around here. I'm sure that
they'd rather listen to me, and find out who has just hired me to bust a few
heads in this very studio."
[Creighton looks at Sex Pistol, cracking his knuckles and showing his mouth
full of shark-like teeth.]
Pistol: You think this audience wants to see some hired thug? Listen,
buddy, just like they will be next week, everyone watching wants to see the
SP.
Creighton: "Why would anyone want to watch you? The only thing you have
going for you is your name, and I'm sorry, but if you think you are the
second coming of Sid Viscious, you've got another think [sic by author]
coming, bud."
Pistol: It could be because I’m the greatest wrestler in RAW today. It
could be because I’m the best looking man in RAW today. It could even be
because, like so many of my former opponents, they’re trying to work out
where they were when I was getting high. Or, it could just be, where I go,
Sarah follows.
[Sarah comes out from the back wearing a pair of shorts and a bikini top.
Creighton looks at Sarah, and smirks.]
Creighton: "Who called the escort service? I think they need to get a
refund."
Ricky: Cool your engines, you two.. we wouldn't want to give the fans a
show now when there's one scheduled in a week. I assure you that there will
plenty of opportunities for, uh, heads to be broken... but next week!
Pistol: Well, I think there’s gonna be someone’s head broken a tiny bit
sooner than that. (to Creighton) Go on, what am I paying you for?
[Creighton turns toward Deathwish, and picks him up. For what seems like
and eternity, he holds Deathwish over his head, and then WHAM, he throws
Deathwish down, through a nearby table. Creighton reaches down, picks up a
video cable, and wraps it tightly around Deathwish's neck.]
Creighton: "I thought we had an understanding, boss! I thought you were on
my side, but you didn't send that greenhorn referee in for my match last
Sunday! So this, this is your payback for ignoring me! Is it getting dark
yet, boss? Is the blood pounding in your ears? Is it? IS IT???"
Pistol: Ya see something, Deathwish? Just when you least expect it, the
Pistol hits from outta nowhere, because I just proved, not only am I the
biggest draw – I’m also the fastest on the draw. See you next Sunday,
Thomas.
[Creighton ends the assault, as Sarah nears him, and hands him an envelope.
Creighton opens the envelope, and pulls out a wad of fifty dollar bills.
After counting them carefully, Creighton leaves the set, following Sex
Pistol and Sarah. Deathwish remains, lying in pain.]
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