[FLW] Mystical Mayhem
Brian J. Blottie
peering through the thick overhanging branches, casting shadows onto
the dirt ground below. In the depths of the forest, sitting with his
back against a tree, is Xvair. He is still, his arms crossed across
his knees. In the shadow of the tree, he looks like a dark shadow
himself. A single ray of sunshine illuminates his very pale face.]
X: I've been trapped in this freak show for too long. I'm tired of
dealing with these little fucking fairies. Soon I will find away out
of this hell.
[He slowly stands up and pulls a rope from beneath his cloak]
X: Soon I'll have that little fucker who cursed me and I will have his
neck neatly decorated with this. There has to be........
[In mid sentence, Xvair stops and looks around. Seeing there is not a
soul around he runs away deeper into the forest. He gets about fifty
yards, stops, puts both his hands over his face, and begins a terrible
scream]
X: AHHHHHHH!!!!! This fucking hurts!!!! It's that damn curse!
[He turns around and lowers his hands to reveal a smile. A huge grin
stretched from ear to ear. He begins to walk back to the same tree he
was originally sitting at. As he comes back, the smile diminishes
slowly. Gradually his smile becomes a frown. Slowly, you feel your
head spinning, and the scene changes drastically out of nowhere.
Confusion comes first, then recognition. This is the same clearing
you were in before. The same crowd. The same wrestling ring sitting
in the middle of it all. You are back in Fairy Land...]
D: Foul-mouthed elven bastard, isn't he?
[You turn towards the voice, and see a dwarf sitting there, looking
rather grumpy.]
D: If I were a few hundred years younger, I'd show that
whipper-snapper a real curse.
[The dwarf holds up two fists.]
D: A bloody curse.
[The dwarf's lips curl into a smile at his joke, but your attention is
drawn elsewhere, as the crowd is getting rather rowdy. The reason
becomes obvious as you notice the two fairies from before, Binky and
Winky, making their way to the ring. "It's A Small World Afterall" is
started late, as the band seemed to be as distracted by the elf's
comments as the dwarf beside you. But better late than never, as the
crowd erupts into cheers and applause, the fairies waving happily to
the crowd. The crowd dies down as the fairies take their seats
ringside, and Dipsy-Doo, the Pixie, floats into the ring.]
DD: Welcome, Otherworld creatures, to MYSTICAL MAYHEM!
[Cheers once again ring out, as Dipsy-Doo attempts to quiet them with
his hands.]
DD: We have more action than you can shake a wand at, so we might as
well get right into it without all the fuss. Our first match of the
evening is going to see Omar the Orc take on "Way Cool" Hepizah Stool!
But before we get to that, my pixie crew caught up with Omar earlier
today...
[Using the wonderful power of telepathy, we can see a shot of a swamp
somewhere in the back area of the forest. The swamp looks very dirty
as the
water is brown, the grass is yellow, and the trees that are hanging
over the
top of the swamp are broken and mangled. Kneeling beside the water is
Omar
the Orc. The short, stubby character is on his knees, as he seems to
be
peering into the water with his large yellow eyes. He is wearing a
tattered
red vest and a pair of red shorts, and has a torn pointed cap on his
head
and a toolbelt around his waist.]
O: Do any of you know what pain is? I know it. I know the true kind of
pain
which hurts on the outside as well as the inside. The kind of pain
that is
caused by ignorant others who do not care about you or your feelings.
That
pain hurts. It stings like a bee and slices like a knife, and it gets
worse
and worse with each passing moment.
[Omar leans forward and looks down at his swampy reflection.]
I was mocked and laughed at for the first six years of my life
because I
was different than everybody else. I was mocked because my skin was a
different colour and because I had different habits than them. I was
mocked
because I was different. I was mocked because I was different! I WAS
MOCKED
BECAUSE I WAS DIFFERENT!!
[Omar violently slams his fist down into the swampy water, causing the
reflection to deteriorate. He leaps up to his feet and begins
screaming.]
None of you knew how I felt. None of you could ever imagine what I
went
through when I was stuck up in a world with a bunch of singing elves
making
trains and dolls because my parents couldn't give two craps about me.
I did
what I was told to do, and I was damn good at it! But that didn't
matter. It
never matters how well you perform in this place. All that matters is
that
you stick with your group and abide by your rules. The orcs play with
the
orcs, the elves play with the elves, and the gnomes play with the
gnomes.
[Omar grabs the pointed cap off of his head and throws it down into
the
ground.]
It looks like the same crap I went through up north with the elves
occurs down here, as this afternoon the orcs play with the orcs. Today
I get
to take my frustrations out on one of my own kind. Today I step into
the ring
with Hepizah Stool and make my "debut" in a wrestling match.
I may have never done this wrestling thing before, but I have seen
it a
few times. It really doesn't matter, as the only two things I need to
"wrestle" are these right here.
[Omar holds up his hands and clenches them into fists.]
I am not here to be the comic like the rest of these clowns. They
can
sing, dance, tell jokes and act like fools all they want. But when it
gets
right down to it, they can't sing and joke their way out of a beating.
I am
not a happy orc and I am not a fun orc. I am an orc who will walk into
that
ring and feed off of my emotions from the past. And trust me
creatures, I
have a lot of pent up frustration stored away from my time in the
workshop.
Unfortunately for Hepizah Stool, it all starts with him.
Today the Otherworld gets to witness "Way Cool" get played for a
fool as one orc beats on another. I will hurt this goof, I will make
this
goof cry, and I will make this goof bleed. For the first time, the
Otherworld
will watch a live wrestling match, and trust me, it will not be what
you all
expected.
[Omar picks up his hat from the ground and brushes it off with his
knobby
fingers. He seems to be much more calm now than before as he places
the hat
on his head.]
I will not be going out there to perform textbook dives and jumps,
and I
will not be going out there to amaze you all with submission moves.
Instead,
I will go out to that ring in the center of the forest and I will
torture
Hepizah with my fists, my body, and anything else I can get ahold of.
He
will beg for mercy, but he will not receive it. I need to make an
impact for
the entire Otherworld to take notice of me because m...
[He takes a deep breath and lowers his head for a second. He then
slowly
lifts it up and continues speaking, strangely repeating his last
words.]
... I need people to take notice of me because my future
depends
upon it. I need to be recognized. I need to be recognized.
[With that, Omar turns his head and stares back down into the swampy
water.
After a few seconds of gazing at his reflection he stands up and
marches
away from the swamp and out of sight. The scene cuts adruptly back to
ringside, where the crowd has started to boo. You boo along with
them, not particularly liking the comments Omar made.]
DD: This next match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first...
[As the sun shines down onto the ring below the harsh notes from the
classical song "Mars" begin to play.]
DD: He weighs in at 150 pounds and hails from Santa's Workshop in the
North
Pole. Here is...
... OMAR THE ORC ! ! !
[The fans quickly seperate to form an "aisle" of sorts that stretches
into
the woods beyond. Then coming from behind a large tree is Omar the
Orc. He
is a short, stubby man with a puke-green complextion and has bright
yellow
eyes. He is wearing a torn red vest, red shorts, a pointed red hat and
a
raggedy toolbelt around his waist. He begins walking towards the ring,
but
it looks more like a hobble than any sort of walking one is accustomed
to
seeing. He snarls at the fans as he passes by and stops at one fan in
particular.
The fan is holding a sign that says "Omar is not WAY COOL", and
this
seems to upset the stubby orc. He turns and swipes the sign away from
the
fan with his right hand. Omar then growls as he opens his mouth and
proceeds
to *EAT* the fan's sign. Yes, he eats the sign. After giving the fan a
dirty
look Omar proceeds back towards the ring. He slides in under the
bottom rope
and removes his hat and toolbelt, and places them around the
ringpost.]
DD: And his opponent...
[Those wonderful musicians now begin to a play a soft, melodic beat
fit only for King's, Queen's, and Hepizah Stool, Mr. Way Cool. He
enters the entrance way, standing tall, and posing for the pixies. He
then struts his stuff down the aisle, heading towards the ring.
But wait, no... Hepizah stops. Wiping his big, green mit through his
wonderful fake locks, he takes a mic, and puts it to his lips,
talking, speaking... making us want to puke.]
"WAY COOL" HEPIZAH STOOL: As you might have heard, I'm "Way Cool"
Hepizah Stool. Just think of me as the beauty _and_ the beast, all
wrapped up in ooooooooone peeeeeerfect body!
[He lifts his arm, and flexes his muscles to the crowd. With that
giant orc smile on his face, he continues.]
"WAY COOL" HEPIZAH STOOL: I know, you just cannot get enough of _this_
body, eh Omar? Well, don't you worry, you'll get your chance to see
greatness! Too bad it'll be from the ground, as you look up, with
stars dancing allllllllll around your head!
[He pauses, continuing to make his way down the aisle, speaking
directly to Omar, who is paying close attention in the ring.]
"WAY COOL" HEPIZAH STOOL: There is only room for one orc here in FLW
and, Omar, these fans... they run at the sight of your ugly mug. But
me, nah, these fans...
[He lifts his arms and spins around, looking at the FLW fans.]
"WAY COOL" HEPIZAH STOOL: These fans... THEY LOOOOOOOOVEEEEE ME!
[The FLW fans boo, trying to show that they HATE Hepizah.]
"WAY COOL" HEPIZAH STOOL: I'm Hepizah Stool, and I'm waaaaaaaaaaay
cool! After all, is this not...
[He removes his shirt, displaying the huge orc belly that Stool has.]
"WAY COOL" HEPIZAH STOOL: ... is this _not_ the best body you have
_ever_ seen?
[He begins to dance, but Omar has had enough. He charges at Stool,
who takes off running. The bell rings, as a small gnome climbs into
the ring, clad in black and white stripes. You recognize him
immediately as Daeod, one of the wrestlers from last dream. It seems
that he will be the referee for this contest.]
TBF: Oooo, I don't know who to cheer for!
TWF: Hepizah Stool and Omar the Orc both getting under the Otherworld
creatures' skin immediately, and they're probably hoping that these
two just beat the living poop out of each other.
[Omar continues to pursue Hepizah, who darts around the corner of the
ring, puts on the brakes, and spins. Omar, not expecting the sudden
stop, runs straight into a Hepizah Stool clothesline, getting turned
inside out. Hepizah poses for the crowd, gyrating his hips towards a
young female fairy in the audience. The fairy looks visibly
disgusted.]
TBF: EW! That's gross!
TWF: Yuck. Super gross.
[Stool reaches down and picks up Omar, still suffering from the
affects of the unexpected clothesline, and shoots him into the ring.
Hepizah fixes his fake hair, then rolls into the ring, being met by a
sudden flurry of action from Omar the Orc, who has already made it to
his feet. Two stomps, three punches, and an attempt at taking off
Hepizah's nose with his teeth later, and the referee gets involved,
pulling Omar off of Hepizah.]
TBF: He bit him! That's not nice!
TWF: You can actually see the teeth marks on the bridge of Hepizah's
nose!
[While Omar is distracted with the referee, Hepizah checks his face,
feels the ridges placed in his "beautiful" nose by Omar, and springs
to his feet. Daeod is shoved out of the way, as Hepizah grabs Omar by
the throat and lifts him into the air with one hand.]
HS: You messed up my face!
[Omar spits, catching Hepizah right between the eyes.]
HS: RAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!
[And Omar eats mat the hard way as he is chokeslammed into sometime
next week. But Hepizah doesn't let up there, as he lights up Omar
with fists of fury, pounding away on his much shorter and lighter
opponent. Daeod tries getting involved, but is easily shoved aside.]
TBF: Disqualify him, Daeod! That's not right!
TWF: Someone do something! He's going to _kill_ Omar!
[But who needs a hero when the person in peril can take care of
themself? Hepizah falls off of Omar, clutching his family jewels,
which were just the recipient of a well-placed knee. Now it's Omar's
turn to go on offense, as he leaps onto Hepizah's throat and pounds
away at his face.]
O: Don't like your face messed up? TOO BAD!
[A straight punch to the nose causes a crunch to be heard, as you
cringe at the thought of what just might have been broken there.
Daeod finally gets reinvolved, pushing Omar the Orc off of Hepizah,
then checking on the mammoth Orc.]
TWF: My Goodness! Omar the Orc has just gone buckwild, and may have
broken the nose of Hepizah Stool!
TBF: Serves that big, ugly, disgusting, vile, putrid...
TWF: Binky...
TBF: What?
TWF: Get to the punchline.
TBF: Punch? WHERE?!
[As Binky springs to his feet to look for some liquid refreshment, the
action continues in the ring, as Hepizah is back to his feet, leaning
over, and holding his face, obviously angry. Omar taps Daeod on the
shoulder, and points out to the crowd. Daeod, interested, looks,
leaving Omar open to drive a thumb into Hepizah's right eye.]
TWF: THAT LITTLE CHEATER!
[Oh, but the cheating doesn't end there, as Omar tells Daeod to keep
looking, and stomps onto Hepizah's foot. Hepizah leaps up and down on
one leg, clutching his foot, and doesn't see Omar charge, spearing the
other leg clean out from under Hepizah Stool. The mat looks like it
might collapse as the four hundred pound Orcish monster collapses face
first into the canvas, trying to clutch at his leg, eye, and foot all
at the same time.]
TWF: Omar the Orc is cheating like a cheater!
TBF: There's no punch...
TWF: Omar is a cheater.
TBF: What?! THAT EVIL ORC!
[Somehow, Omar's hundred and fifty pound frame drags Hepizah Stool to
the far corner. Slowly, Hepizah gets up, favoring his knee, and still
blinded from the thumb to the eye. Omar backs up, readies himself,
and charges. A massive spear... is no sold as if Omar the Orc did
_not_ just throw all of his weight into Hepizah Stool. Omar,
undetered, backs up once more and goes for yet another spear. This
time, Hepizah notices Omar, and lets out a boisterous laugh while
no-selling.]
TWF: Omar is just _bouncing_ off the massive gut of Hepizah Stool, yet
he's too stupid to try anything different.
TBF: You shouldn't call people stupid, Winky. That's mean.
[Now Omar is _pissed_, and you don't want to piss off an Orc, a voice
in your head tells you. Omar backs up one more time, takes a deep
breath, lets out an ear-piercing scream, and charges. Hepizah calmly
steps out of the way, and Omar sails through the air and ends up
driving his shoulder straight into the corner ring post.]
TBF: OWIE~!
TWF: Omar tastes steel!
TBF: That's not steel. It's wood.
[And yes, indeed, it is wood.]
TWF: Oh. Well, "Tastes Steel" sounded cooler.
[Hepizah guffaws, staring at a hung up and hurting Omar. He then
walks to the center of the ring and begins to... dance.]
TBF: OH GOODNESS NO!
TWF: Cover your eyes!
[But it's too late, as the disgusting Hepizah Stool, dripping slime,
feces, and other unmentionables from his body, begins to shake his
groove thing, doing his patented "Totally Cool! My Belly Does Rule!"
dance. Slime and shit fly in every which direction, hitting the first
couple of rows of people. Luckily, you're further back, but you still
feel ill watching the proceedings.]
TBF: EW, EW, EW! POOP IS ON ME! POOP IS ON ME!
TWF: Make it stop, mommy! Make it stop!
[Mommy isn't going to help Winky, but Omar might, as he pulls himself
free from the corner, and while clutching his shoulder, marches
towards Hepizah.]
TBF: GET HIM, OMAR!
TWF: Just make him stop!
[Hepizah does stop, but he only does so because he sees Omar coming at
him from the corner of his eye. Omar doesn't realize Hepizah sees
him, and ends up walking right into a _massive_ throw that sees him
fly towards the ropes.]
TWF: EVERYONE IN THE FRONT ROW MOVE!
[But the front row is saved, as Omar actually reaches out and _SKINS
THE CAT~!_ You leap to your feet and cheer, as it seems Omar is
channeling Ricky Steamboat tonight, as Omar clutches to the top ropes
and prepares to pull himself back in over the top. Unfortunately, he
lacks the agility, and just flails about erratically. Luckily,
Hepizah hasn't noticed his last minute save, instead jawing with an
audience member. Yes, Orc's are easily distracted.]
TWF: Omar the Orc is struggling to get back into the ring! Can he?
Can he?
[Apparently, Omar says "screw that", drops down, spins, and reaches
into the ring, yanking Hepizah's legs out from underneath him. As
Hepizah crashes into the mat, Omar tugs him out of the ring, slowly
but surely.]
TWF: Binky, you can open your eyes now. Hepizah isn't dancing
anymore.
TBF: Really?! YAY, OMAR!
[Hepizah collapes to his knees outside the ring, Omar rather winded
from all of the yanking. Thusly, Omar does the only thing he can; he
rakes the eyes.]
TBF: BOO, OMAR! YOU BIG CHEATER!
[Omar, now a little less tired, kicks Hepizah in the chest, hooks him,
and delivers a half-assed DDT onto the ground. It's half-assed
because Hepizah is _still_ on his knees, so the impact isn't all that
severe.]
TWF: DDT on the floor, and Hepizah Stool is helpless on the outside to
the attack of Omar the Orc!
TBF: I don't like that Omar guy. He's a meanie.
[Satisfied with the damage done, Omar mounts the ring apron. He
motions to the crowd, then sees something that interests him. Two
older Orcs, apparently a couple, sit in the crowd, observing the
action. Omar stares at them, tears welling in his eyes, completely
oblivious to Hepizah Stool, who is on his feet.]
TBF: Look out, Omar!
TWF: GOODNIGHT IN THE MORNING!
[Well, seems Winky learned _something_ from his time in the IWWC. But
that phrase doesn't just come for no reason, as Hepizah reached up,
grabbed Omar around the throat with both hands, and _drove_ him into
the ground below with a two-handed sitdown chokeslam. Omar, as you
might expect, is knocked da fug out.]
TBF: POOR OMAR!
TWF: Poor us! Hepizah is getting ready to _dance_!
[Indeed, it looks as if Hepizah is about to bust a move, but the same
fan he was arguing with earlier diverts his attention. Hepizah,
completely forgetting about the fact that he's in a wrestling match,
goes over to give said fan a piece of his mind.]
TWF: Get security! We might have a situation!
TBF: Ummm... Winky?
TWF: Yeah?
TBF: We _are_ security.
TWF: Oh yeah!
[With that, Binky and Winky spring to their feet, and place themselves
inbetween the fan and Hepizah Stool. Stool, none too happy with the
fairies interferance, begins to argue with them now. All of this
arguing has allowed Omar the Orc to slowly but surely crawl to his
feet, using the ring apron for support. Daeod reaches out and pulls
Omar into the ring, then begins to demand Hepizah join his Orcish
opponent. Binky and Winky join in on Daeod's demands, and in a huff,
Hepizah Stool slides into the ring.]
TBF: Woo! That was close.
TWF: Yeah it was. No fights in the audience for us!
[But there is a fight in the ring, as Omar has charged forward and
thrown a _nasty_ punch into Hepizah's gut. Hepizah retaliates with a
punch of his own, that sends Omar stammering back. But Omar won't say
quit, and charges in again.]
TWF: Big right hands from both of these Orcs, with Hepizah Stool
apparently getting the advantage!
TBF: I don't know who to cheer for again!
TWF: Hepizah Stool pulls back...
[And misses by about a mile, as Omar ducks.]
TWF: Right hand misses!
[Hepizah spins completely around, and upon refacing Omar, is "whipped"
by Omar into the referee. Sure, Omar fell to the mat after the whip,
and Hepizah went all of two feet, but Daeod still got nailed with the
oversized belly of Stool, causing him to crash to the mat. Hepizah,
rather angry that he not only missed the right hand but hit the ref
because of Omar, chases the smaller Orc. Omar runs for the first time
in this match, sliding out of the ring.]
TWF: Omar is reaching under the ring apron?
TBF: LOOK OUT! HEPIZAH IS COMING!
[Indeed he is, and quickly. He gets to the side of the ring, reaches
down...]
_CRASH~!_
[... and eats a giant glass candy cane right between the eyes, as
supplied by Omar the Orc.]
TWF: GOODNIGHT IN THE MORNING!
TBF: EEEEEEEEEK~! GLASS!
[And yes, the creatures around you all but riot. They're not used to
EMWC-style hardcore garbage wrestling, and this is something
completely and utterly new to them.]
TWF: Calm down fans! Calm down!
[But they see Hepizah Stool bleeding like a stuck pig in the ring,
rivets of red pouring down his face in streams. Even Hepizah Stool
looks panicked. So panicked, in fact, that Omar the Orc sneaks up
behind him, grabs him into a full nelson, then rides it down into a
face-plant Bulldog/DDT.]
TWF: North Pole Special! The North Pole Special! Hepizah Stool just
ate _mat_. And the cover!
[It takes a few seconds, but Daeod recovers, drags himself over, and
begins the count.]
[Slap!]
[Slap!]
[Slap!]
TWF: And the three thankfully puts this one away before things
_really_ got out of hand.
[The audience around you seems to calm down a bit, as Dipsy-Doo
flutters into the ring.]
DD: Here is your winner of this match, by pinfall... Omar the Orc!
[Omar is up immediately, grabs his toolbelt and hat, and exits the
ring. Several fans try to jaw with him, but he threatens them, and
they recoil back immediately. It's obvious that Omar is one crazy
mofo, and the fans are more than a little leery of him.]
TWF: Binky?
TBF: Is... is it over?
TWF: Yes, it's over.
TBF: THANK GOD! That was _terrible_. Let's never have a match like
that again.
TWF: Agreed. Well, we need to clean up the ring of the... uh...
TBF: OH GOODNESS! BLOOD! My poor heart!
[The Binky Fairy passes dead away, as pixies and gnomes fill the ring
to help clean the mess made in the last match. Everything swirls
around you, and the scene switches to an exterior view of a forest
clearing sometime late at night. Reclining on what at first appears
to be a large
haystack is a gigantic, brawny creature covered in body hair and with
two heads perched on top of thick necks placed on his broad shoulders.
The ettin (for what else could it be?) is leaning back with a look of
contentment on both of his ugly faces. In front of him, roasting on a
spit via a large campfire that seems to consist of a burning wagon and
assorted farm implements is the blistered carcass of an entire cow.
And
upon closer examination, the 'haystack' that the ettin is reclining
upon
is actually a small hut, collapsed beneath his weight and surrounded
by
broken furniture. The ettin's left head turns to his right and begins
speaking.]
LE (Edgar's Left Head): Edgar... we are a clever fellow, even if I do
say so myself!
[The right head glowers at the left for a moment and replies with an
earth-shattering belch. Reaching down with his right hand, Edgar
begins
scratching furiously at his crotch through the badly-cured animal skin
loincloth he is wearing.]
RE (Edgar's Right Head): Ahhh, yeah! But I'da much rather gobbled
down
some of them hobbity thingies than this durned cow!!
LE: Mind your manners! It was rude enough that we had to drive those
poor innocents from their home just to get a meal. But to threaten to
devour such cute little halfling creatures?? You're abominable!!
[Belching once more, the right side reaches toward the roasting cow
and
tears off a haunch.]
RE: Naw, not me. That's the white furry guy who lives up in the
mountains, remember?
LE: Stop trying to change the subject. There are times when I think
you don't respect my opinion at all!
[The right head snickers but doesn't respond as he tears into the
sizzling chunk of cow meat with his misshapen teeth.]
LE: Now... we need to start thinking about this wrestling match we've
signed up for. Strategy is a very important element in trying to win
athletic contests such as this so I strongly feel that we should study
the gentlebeings who are our opponents for the contest.
RE: What's ta study?? We bash... we stomp... we win. Simple.
[The ettin's right side shrugs while the left looks on in disbelief.]
LE: Confidence is one thing but we cannot underestimate the
competition. Do you know anything at all about Master "Boom Boom"
Burgel Booger? Or Master Zudgrut Gutbusta?
RE: What's ta know?? We bash... we stomp... we win. Simple.
[Edgar's left side slaps itself in the forehead.]
LE: You're incorrigible!
RE: Incorrigi-wha?
LE: Never you mind. This is what we shall do...
RE: Oh, brudah!
[Edgar's right head rolls his eyes and looks incredibly bored as his
left head launches into a lengthy diatribe on the merits of
preparation. After a moment, the scene shifts once more.]
"Listen you! Iffin' you eva can hope to defeat these two monsters
you're up against, you're gonna hafta learn to use 'dem wings of
yours!"
[The tiny bat wings laid relatively limp across the massive flesh back
of the gargantuan beast before us. He growled, groaned, and grunted..
but all was in vain. His massive ass wasn't going anywhere.]
"Damn it, Burgel! What kind of fairy are you?!?"
[From the looks of him.. he's not a fairy at all - he's a goblin. And
an incredibly obese one at that. Shifting slightly to get a better
look at this flailing juggernaut, we see first hand just how oddly
large this perticular goblin has become. Though only perhaps a little
over four feet tall, he's easily half way to four hundred pounds! His
massive upper body, which doesn't look to contain all that much
muscle; rather just rolls upon rolls of fleshy fat and chunks, hangs
out everywhere from the silly tight neon pink tank top he's somehow
managed to get himself into. Sprouts and tufts of oil hair show up
ever so often on his putrid puke green skin.]
[Again the unknown voice.]
"FLY! ! !"
[A hideous roar suddenly bellows from the massive goblin! He throws
his head back and extends his huge bottom jaw almost to the ground!
Without warning one of his fleshy hands reaches out and grabs - ]
[For a split moment in time we get a relatively good look at the poor
old gnome. He was quite obviously the one barking all those commands.
Barely reaching three feet tall, the little old gnome looks up and
squints - obviously so blind he can't tell what's coming for him.]
"Burgel..? Burgel tis it rainin' bout here?"
[And the roar continues until.. ]
[Burgel bites down. The poor little gnomes head gets completely taken
inside Burgel Booger's mouth! His little arms and legs flail around
wildly, trying in vain to free himself from the putrid inner mouth of
this most disgusting of green skins.]
"Mmmm! Mmmmm! Grragabberack! !"
[And then it comes.. the most vile sound most ears will ever see.
That belch. That nasty, spine tingling, gut wrenching belch. it came
right from the lowest pit in Burgel's gut and then slowly rose..
gushing like a purtid waterfall of slime and shit right up through his
chest, into his throat, and then rushing to fill his mouth.. a mouth
which that poor gnome had his head stunk in.]
"Arghh! ! ! ! !"
[We've just witnessed the Chunk Muncher. The little gnome didn't
flail so much any more though. His tiny arms and tiny legs just hung
limp as Burgel continued to clasp tightly onto his head. A bit of the
greenish brown juice ran from between Burgel's lips and drooled to the
ground. Finally his bottom jaw began to open and a flood.. A FLOOD!
..of vomit and crud came spilling out - as well as that poor blind
gnome.]
[Huffing.. Burgel turned and walked away from the gnome, deeper into
the swamps.]
[As for the gnome? He just sat in that vile puddle of barf and
blinked maybe once.. perhaps twice.]
[Heavy footsteps carried Burgel deeper and deeper into the stinky
Under Rot Swamp. He couldn't understand it for the life of him.. he
was a fairy! ..so why couldn't he fly? And why didn't the animals of
the forest seem to like you much? ..why didn't anyone seem to like
him much? He had his tu-tu! And his frilly pink tank top! Hell!
..he even had a wand! Pulling the frail stick from between his saggy
green butt cheeks, he held it into the air for a moment and then
grimaced and snapped it in half. What where wings good for if you
couldn't fly?]
[The giant wombat wings which had been tied with a clever harness
around his back where good for next to nothing. There was nothing,
and certainly not those little wings, that was going to lift his ass
off the ground.]
"Burgel! Burgel Booger you gettin' back 'ere right.. AHHHH!"
[The little gnome, still covered in vomit, tripped and found his way
face first into the swamp.]
[Burgel turned and huffed again slightly before reaching into the dank
water and pulling out his friend.. Tink had been there from the
beginning. Atleast Tink believed him. Atleast Tink thought he was a
fairy.]
"Thank you, Burgel. Now listen and listen well.. you've got yourself
into quite a bout coming up, my boy, and I'd hate to see all this
fairy nonsense get you into trouble!"
[Burgel nodded.]
"So perk up! So what if you can't fly?! Some times it takes fairies
a little longer to learn to use their wings."
[A small toothy grin.]
"And besides! Everyone knows Ettins are some of the stupidest
creatures in Otherworld!"
[Burgel quickly yanked his fingers from his nose and tried in vain to
flick the booger off before Tink was able to see. He quickly nodded
in response.]
"And as fer that other fellow.. well, well.. you know Burgel, I fancy
some toast and jam right now. You up for some toast and jam, Burgel?"
[Gnomes live for quite sometime.. but when you get as old as Tink
Tinker Tonk was - well, the mind just starts slipping. It was really
a miracle he kept his wits going that long. But.. truth be known..
Burgel was a bit hungry (and he normally was), and he was tired of
this whole flying business for today - so off the two went into the
swamp. Burgel Booger waddling through the sludge and Tink Tinker Tonk
just being carried along. Your thoughts carry you back to ringside,
where the ring is now clean, and The Binky Fairy is no longer dead to
the world.]
TBF: Burgel Booger is gross. And he's _not_ one of us.
TWF: He might be gross, but Edgar the Ettin is _evil_.
TBF: Huh?
TWF: He turned a family's house into a stool, and stole their cow!
TBF: What a meanie.
TWF: Those two men will clash in a triple threat match with the man
about to be introduced. Take it away, Dipsy-Doo!
DD: Introducing first, hailing from Camp Dakka... accompanied by Da
Mad Gobbo... here is ZUDGRUT GUTBUSTA!
[Deep Bass drums start beating as small goblins scurry out to light
six bonfires (three on each side of the aisle). As soon as the pyres
are lit, the impressive form of Zudgrut Gutbusta appears in the
entryway to the tune of "The US Marine Corps Battle Hymn" as played by
a band of Orcs...which is to say not all that well, and way off key.
At the massive Orc's side strides his manager, Da Mad Gobbo, the
flames reflecting off of his pointed face, and his bright red tongue
showing off starkly against the pale green of his skin. As Zudgrut
reaches the ring, he steps over the top rope and prepares for the
coming battle.]
TBF: An Orc... Marine? Winky, I'm confused.
TWF: I think the fans are as well, Binky.
DD: Next, hailing from The Darkened Forest... here is EDGAR THE ETTIN!
[A mighty roar blasts over the loudspeakers followed by the pounding
of enormous wardrums as a ground-shaking stomping can be heard.
Suddenly, the leaves of the trees are tossed aside and through
them steps an enormous creature... with two heads. Edgar The Ettin
pauses at the top of the aisle and his right head snarls and spits
insults at the fans while the left head smiles and grins. Edgar's
right arm lifts up and shakes a threatening fist at the onlookers
while his left arm makes a jaunty wave. Snarling and smiling in
combination, Edgar then stomps down to the ring.]
TBF: A two headed... Ettin?
TWF: You've got me, Binky. I don't visit The Darkened Forest.
TBF: You didn't sign him?
TWF: You mean you didn't?!
Both: DIPSY-DOO! WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU!
DD: Er... and finally, to introduce our last participant while I talk
to Binky and Winky... here is Tink Tinker Tock!
[The tiny little senial gnome, known only as Tink Tinker Tonk, slowly
begins to make his way towards the ring. Looking up every so often to
marvel at the large crowd, he smiles a pleasant gnomish grin and then
continues to hobble towards the squared circle. Finally getting
himself inside the ring, Tink clears his throat and points towards the
entrance way with his cane. He starts to speak, but then gets
distracted by the other two beasts in the ring.]
Tink Tinker Tock: (to Edgar, squinting) Well you're a big fairy now,
aren't you, friend?
[Tink looks back towards the entrance way and continues.]
Tink Tinker Tock: It's my pelasure now friends to introduce you to
the bravest fairy in all of Otherworld! (a few laughs) That's
right..
[A rather girly little tune begins to play. It sounds like something
you might here at a ballet.]
Tink Tinker Tock: "Boom Boom" Burgel Booooooger! ! !
[The crowd continues to chuckle slightly as Burgel waddles his way out
of the woods and onto the entrance ramp. Dressed in his neon pink
tank top and frilly baby blue tu-tu, he looks over the crowd and gives
a BIG canine grin. The massive goblin then begins to trudge his way
slowly towards the ring, trying his best to be light on his feet - but
nothing about Booger is light.]
TWF: "Boom Boom", the supposed fairy...
TBF: Not a fairy.
TWF: Supposed...
TBF: Not a fairy.
TWF: Binky...
TBF: NOT A FAIRY!
[During this argument, Zudgrut Gutbusta charges at Edgar the Ettin.
Edgar's left head is distracted, but his right is not, as he calmly
puts up his foot and allows Zudgrut to eat boot. Gutbusta is quick to
his feet, huffs, then charges at Burgel. Unfortunately, Burgel has a
nasty spinebuster waiting for him, and Gutbusta bails from the ring
before anymore damage can be done.]
TWF: And Zudgrut Gutbusta goes down at the hands of Burgel...
TBF: NOT A FAIRY!
TWF: ... Booger. Zudgrut is trying to regroup on the outside, while
on the inside, Edgar's right head is staring intently at FLW's
supposed...
TBF: NOT A FAIRY!
TWF: ... fairy...
TBF: NOT A FAIRY!
TWF: ... Burgel Booger.
[But by now, he's not just staring, he's charging. Burgel, in the
meantime, is busy bellowing at Zudgrut, and doesn't notice that he has
an 12 foot tall Ettin barrelling towards him like a freight train. A
massive body avalanche that rocks the ring on it's bearings sends
Burgel Booger collapsing to the mat, his full attention now on the two
headed monstrosity towering over him.]
TWF: My Goodness! Edgar the Ettin is just a _beast_ in there.
TBF: That fairy wannabe had better watch his P's and C's in there!
TWF: His what?
TBF: I heard it on TV in Earth.
[Edgar doesn't hesitate at all, reaching down and lifting Burgel
Booger up to his feet, grabbing him around the throat, and the lifting
him up high... and dropping him down onto his feet, as Zudgrut
Gutbusta lowblows the Ettin, crushing his testicles with his meaty
forearm. How's _that_ for descriptive prose?]
TWF: Lowblow!
TBF: (Several octaves higher) Owee...
[But Zudgrut isn't stupid, as he takes the opportunity given him and
slams the Ettin's heads together, following that attack up with two
quick headbutts, one to each head. Burgel tries leaping over the
Ettin to get at Zudgrut, but gets caught in mid-air by the Orc Marine
and powerslammed down to the mat with _force_.]
TWF: Powerslam into the pin!
[A minute voice rings out out of nowhere.]
One!
Two!
[But a kickout interrupts the count at two, as you catch a glimpse of
where the tiny voice counting the pin had come from; a tiny pixie
referee.]
TWF: Zudgrut almost picked up the victory... GASP!
[The reason Winky gasped? Zudgrut, upon getting to his feet, got
pelted with a boot in the face by Edgar the Ettin that would kill a
moose. The crowd leaps to it's feet, and you follow, as a concerned
buzz circulates through the crowd.]
TWF: Holy smokes! That... that was insane.
TBF: Oh... oh... (sniffle)... is he... is he alright?
TWF: I... I don't know.
[Zudgrut doesn't move, and while Edgar's left head shows a great
amount of concern, his right doesn't, his right hand reaching down and
pulling "Boom Boom" off the mat. But Burgel ain't going down like dat
(he ain't goin' down!), as he reaches into his butt crack and pulls
out... a stick.]
TWF: We need help for Zudgrut out here now. And what in the world is
Booger going to do with a stick?
[Wave it around, of course, as it's his "magic fairy wand". Edgar's
right head just stares for a second, guffaws, then busts out into the
loudest, most obnoxious laugh you'll _ever_ hear. Edgar's left head
scolds him for being so inconsiderate considering the damage he's done
to the poor Orc Marine, but he doesn't get a chance to continue his
tet-a-tet with himself, as Burgel Booger lets out a soul-shattering
scream and begins to wallop the Ettin with massive rights and lefts.]
TWF: GOODNESS! Second wind, out of nowhere, by "Boom Boom"!
TBF: Look! Zudgrut is moving!
[And indeed, while Burgel dominates the Ettin with pure Goblin
brawling, Zudgrut Gutbusta begins to move a bit, though not enough to
consider him "OK" by a long shot. Suddenly, Da Mad Gobbo begins
stomping around outside the ring, incomprehensibly yammering. The
yammering has an odd effect on Zudgrut, who actually makes it to his
feet.]
ZG: Gobbo... SHUT UP!
[_Now_ Zudgrut is up, as he stomps over to where Da Mad Gobbo is
pacing... and proceeds to get blasted by both Edgar the Ettin and
Burgel Booger, walking straight into their brawl without realizing.
The Ettin and the Goblin watch Zudgrut go down, stare for a second,
then lift him up and press him up and _over_ the top ropes, sending
him sailing down onto Da Mad Gobbo, who is taken out unceremoniously
by the bulk of his charge.]
TWF: GOODNIGHT IN THE MORNING! The Dwarven Medics have arrived just
in time, because Zudgrut Gutbusta just got taken out of this match
_the hard way_.
TBF: Poor Zudgrut. He was a good Orc Marine.
[With Zudgrut gone, Edgar and Burgel can concentrate on each other.
Edgar goes for a right hand, but Burgel blocks it and throws one of
his own. Edgar goes for a left hand, and again Burgel blocks it and
hits one of his own. With both heads being rocked, Burgel lunges at
the right head, climbs up the Ettin's haunches, and proceeds to
_devour_ the right head.]
TBF: AH! HE'S EATING HIM!
[A gurgle is heard, as Edgar struggles to get the Goblin off of him.
The left hand reaches up and grabs him by the throat, but not before
the most disgusting belch you've _ever_ heard escapes the mouth of
Burgel. Then, a watery rush of shit and vomit pours down onto Edgar's
right head, causing the entire right side of Edgar's body to go limp.
As a last action, Edgar's left side slams Burgel Booger into the mat
with the most mammoth chokeslam you're likely to see. In fact, it's
so mammoth, that Burgel Booger actually goes _through_ the mat, to the
floor below.]
TWF: MY GOODNESS! Burgel Booger has been chokeslammed _through_ the
mat, but not before he could get off the Chunk Muncher, as Edgar the
Ettin has _also_ collapsed to the mat!
[Edgar's left side struggles to revive the right, as the tiny pixie
referee stares at the carnage, shakes her tiny head, and calls this
match off.]
TWF: The referee has called the match off! This one is over! But who
is the victor?
TBF: Yeah! Who won?! Who won?!
DD: Ladies and gentlemen, because the ring can no longer hold the
weight of it's combantants, the referee has called this match... A
DRAW!
TWF: The referee doing the only thing fair, making this one a draw, as
Burgel Booger and Edgar the Ettin _literally_ tore the ring down in
this match, with Zudgrut Gutbusta being stretchered out during the
proceedings.
TBF: That was crazy! And that faux-pas fairy _vomitted_ on Edgar's
head!
TWF: That was rather... disgusting. We've got to repair our ring, so
let's get to the last of our participant's interviews for our main
event!
???: Not so fast...
[Just then, a tiny red Goblin steps out from the forest, his hands on
his sides.]
CR: I bet you're all wondering who I am. I'm the "Red Devil"... I'm
Crimson Reed. Think what you want of me, I don't care. I'm just here
to prove something. For all of you who mocked me, saying i was small
and weak, here I am. Come get me! I'm small, yes, but you think I'm
weak? Let me prove you wrong. I'm placing an open challenge to anyone,
even you!
[Points to Binky and Winky, who shrug.]
CR: Next week you'll see who's weak!
[Reed turns around and leaves, as the crowd just stares on confused.
The confusion is replaced by euphoria, as the scene changes before
your eyes. You find yourself in a rich oak grove. Lush green leaves
sway in a gentl summer breeze, brushing over strong brown trunks. The
ground is covered with
bright flowers, grass and soft moss. In an ecological impossibility,
there
is no decay on the ground to nourish the flora.
It is also strangely quiet in this grove as no animals scurry about.
In
fact, the only sound you hear is the breeze whispering through the
branches
of promises that will never be kept... until you hear the lyrical
voice of
Galadriel Moonwhisper.]
GM: Otherworld. Dreamtime. Summerlands. This place has been called
many
things.
[A troop of Elfen warriors, wearing leather armor and carrying bows or
spears, walk through the grove, seemingly oblivious to you. They speak
in an
alien tongue to each other and are surrounding a richly decorated Elf,
who
is riding a white horse. This particular Elf is wearing an ornate
crown of
gold oak leaves and has a bearing that hints at royalty.]
GM: I used to call it home. I suppose it still is.
[After the troop can no longer be seen, we see a ghost-like figure
drop from
the branches. The figure is wearing a delicate white cloak. The
patterns and
material hint that the cloak was once a bridal gown, but has been
remade to
look like a loose burial shroud.]
GM: Why I decided to came back is still a mystery to me.
[A slender hand with long fingers reaches out from the cloak to pull
back
its hood. You see a white face with a sorrowful expression. The
silvery,
slanted eyes look in the direction that the troop went. Her long hair
has
increasingly darker shades of blue from her roots to her tips. She
pushes
her hair behind her sharply pointed ears.]
GM: Yet I sometimes still question my decision to leave.
[Galadriel stoops to pick up a small sack and slings it over her
shoulder.
Leaning on a sturdy staff, she starts walking in the opposite
direction of
the troop. Her cloak and blue hair billows out dramatically behind
her,
making her seem alien even for this strange place.]
GM: Only time can tell which path was the correct one. Meanwhile, I
must
survive the one I have chosen.
[Galadriel becomes a haze as she reaches the horizon. Too late, you
realize
that you are starting to wake up... and struggle to stay in this
strange
dream. But it's not to be, as you find yourself once again not in the
wrestling clearing, but instead in a different lush forest. Spice
Fairy frownsand folds her arms across her chest, looking around the
forest. There's plenty of tress, lots of birds, and a bundle of
woodland creatures but no Princess!]
SF: [mumbles] Where is she now?
[The sun shining brightly, the lithe blonde, in the violet leotard and
tu-tu, continues to flit about the forest, looking both high and low.]
SF: Princess! Princess! Where are you?
[Just as she is about to end her search, she happens upon a solitary
clearing. Sitting in a bed of roses and lilies is her best friend,
Princess Sugar Fairy. The Princess wears a pink leotard and tu-tu,
completing the look with pink ballet slippers. Her long, black hair is
tied in a ponytail, a pink tiara on her head. She sits Indian-style
with her arm outstretched. Perched on her index finger is a beautiful
butterfly.]
SF: [placing her hands on her hips] There you are, Princess! I've been
looking all over for you!
[There's no response as the Princess's green eyes are focused on the
butterfly.]
SF: Princess?
PSF: [Her attention still on the butterfly] Shhhh! Calliope is
speaking.
SF: [frowns, pointing at the butterfly] Don't tell me you're listening
to that chatty gossip again!
PSF: [smiles] She's not a gossip. She's an information specialist.
Besides, she has news on my upcoming opponents.
SF: [Her blue eyes shining with excitement] Really!?! Oooooh, let me
hear! Let me hear!
[Spice Fairy races over and joins the Princess, both "listening" to
Calliope. There are a bunch of "ooohs" and "aaahs" as the two women
look from Calliope to one another and back again. After filling them
in on Sugar Fairy's upcoming opponents, Calliope flutters away.]
SF: [with a worried look] So...do you believe her?
PSF: [shrugs] I'm not sure. But I hope that her information is
mistaken. She makes "Dark Winter" Gallain Gloam and Xvair sound so
mean!
SF: [nods] I agree. Calliope talked about them like they were really
dangerous customers! Who knows what they will have up their sleeves?
You're going to have to be extra careful in that match. If anything
were to happen to you, the Sunshine Kingdom would never be the same
again.
PSF: Awww. That's so sweet of you to say! But don't worry. I promise
that I will be ready for anything they throw my way. [smiles] Besides,
I've really been practicing my moves and stuff lately. I have a strong
feeling that those elves are going to be no match for Princess Sugar
Fairy and Galadriel Moonwhisper. We may not know one thing about each
other but we're going to be the best tag team that the FLW has ever
seen! You can bet on that!
[She stands to her feet and strikes a superhero pose, complete with
head held high and hands on her hips, as Spice Fairy applauds.]
SF: Yay! Go get 'em, Princess!
PSF: [smiles] I plan on it with the help of Galadriel...[nods towards
her friend] and you, of course.
SF: Yay! Go get 'em, me!
[The two fairies giggle when "Princess" Sugar Fairy suddenly pauses.]
PSF: Hey, I just remembered something! Why were you looking for me in
the first place? Is everything all right at the palace?
SF: [slaps her forehead] Oh! I almost forgot! Your mother was baking
lemon drop cookies and wondered if you wanted some.
PSF: Lemon drop cookies? Why didn't you say so in the first place? You
know they're my favorites! [She turns on her heels] Last one to the
castle is an ogre's toenail!
[In a hail of girlish giggling, Sugar Fairy is gone, rushing towards
the palace. Spice Fairy hops to her feet, dusting off her tu-tu.]
SF: Hey, no fair, cheater!
[In a flash, Spice Fairy is after her, racing into the forest. And
again, the scene dissapates, only this time...
Picturea happy place: rolling green hills under a brilliant blue sky;
colorful birds chirping and fluttering from tree to lush, verdant
tree; docile forest creatures gently sipping water from a
crystal-clear stream, their soft fur highlighted by the warm sunlight;
young lovers engaging in playing hide-and-seek in a secluded forest
glade, laughing the laughter of the carefree and lighthearted, their
pastel-colored clothing making them seem like summer blossoms come to
life. Let's get a closer look at the one who is currently "It", as his
bright, glistening eyes search high and low for his companions... and
stumbles across a young couple engaged in a passionate kiss. His
complexion grows pale and a look of disbelief rolls across his
once-joyful face as he realizes that the woman before him is his own
-- with another man. The scene freezes in your mind, the color
draining away until it has been reduced to a static monochrome, as an
unseen observer provides an equally dry comment.]
GG: Every time I trust, I leave myself vulnerable to betrayal.
[The scene abruptly shifts back to more pleasant memories, as young
children lie lazily on a hillside, staring up at the cotton-like
clouds, imagining shapes in their random arrangements, pointing and
laughing. That one looks like a bunny rabbit, with a cute little tail
and everything. There's a fluffy kitten, all curled up in a sleepy
ball. The big one over there is a mighty elephant, or maybe a whale.
(Kids.) What do you see? How about that roundish one over there?
Why... it almost looks like... y'know, with those darker patches, it
kinda reminds you of... Then it hits you, with all the weight of a
coffin lid. It's a skull, grinning the eternal grin of the dead. The
sky behind it darkens as it grows to fill your entire range of vision,
a macabre façade staring straight at you while the same voice from
before pipes in with its unwelcome narration.]
GG: Every time I dream, there is the chance of a nightmare.
[Shift to an extreme close-up of a delicate flower bud against a black
backdrop. If you have ever seen one before, you would recognize it
almost immediately as some sort of lotus blossom, with an
artichoke-like arrangement of soft white petals around a fragrant core
of nectar. You mentally pull back a bit, and realize that the flower
is resting in a humanlike hand, its skin as black as a starless night
sky. Slowly, the slender fingers close up around the bud and crush it
in a clenched fist. As it reopens, allowing disfigured petal fragments
to fall limply to the ground, you continue to pull back, and see that
the hand is connected to a young, jet-skinned man with long white hair
and grey eyes, his face a stone carving of remorselessness. As he
speaks once again, something in your head tells you that this is being
is called Gallain Gloam, although somehow knowing his name is of very
little comfort.]
GG: Every time I am happy, it makes my depression that much more
intense.
[His face now occupies your field of vision, much like the skull-cloud
earlier. Superimposed over his features is a ghost-like image of
cheerful creatures wearing brightly-colored leotards and tutus,
frolicking in a scene much like the first one you pictured, yet
somewhat more unearthly. He continues.]
GG: And every time I see the flowers blooming on the meadow, with
Faries dancing in the glades, enjoying the bright, beautiful Spring
weather...
[The apparitional scene freezes, and slowly dissipates into
nothingness. It is replaced by a nothing that is not just empty space,
but more of a cold, lifeless void, behind which you can still see the
strange young man, his features almost like a photographic negative.]
GG: ...I take solace in the inevitable fact that a cold, Dark Winter
will soon come and eradicate every last one of them, crushing their
laughter with its icy suffocation.
[Is it getting colder in here? At first you dismiss the odd feeling as
just being your nerves getting rattled, but then you notice that if
you look closely at the man before you, you can see his breath
condensing while he speaks, a look of determined confience on his
face.]
GG: Can you taste the snow on the wind? Can you feel the Chill?
[With one sweeping motion, he pulls a large, fur-trimmed grey cloak
around himself and secures the clasp. As he does so, it seems to get
even colder; you can almost feel the goosebumps forming on your
exposed flesh. For the first time since you saw him, he breaks his
gaze to locate an odd cloth wrap, which he places over the top of his
head like a large, skin-tight hat, or perhaps a mask; it stops at the
tip of his nose, partially hiding his hair and eyes behind its
semitransparent fabric. After pulling up the hood on his cloak, he
turns his back to you with unsettling silence and begins to walk away,
his footsteps being muffled by a slight crunching noise, as if he were
walking through freshly fallen snow.]
GG: You will. Soon enough.
[As he continues walking, a flurry of snow kicks up behind him, frozen
flakes of ice swirling in the darkness between your point of view and
his departing form, until they completely obscure his presence,
leaving you cold and alone.]
TWF: That's not very nice.
[The unmistable voice of The Winky Fairy snaps you back to ringside,
where the ring is actually fixed! Dipsy-Doo is in the ring, ready to
announce the main event's participants.]
DD: This next match is our _MAIN EVENT_...
[Dipsy pauses for the applause, then continues.] Xvair match
DD: ... and is a tag team match scheduled for one fall. Introducing
first, he hails from The Dark Caves of Enigma... here is XVAIR!
[Monks chant in the background as Xvair slowly stalks toward the ring.
His head is slightly tilted forward, as if he is narrowing on his
target. His cloak covers his entire body and only strains of hair and
his deviant smile peers through. He does no gestures to the crowd. He
only focuses on his next match with a look of content on his face due
to the thoughts of the fresh blood he will soon taste.]
DD: And his tag team partner for tonight...
[The light in the forest slowly fades to a dim glow, then turns deep
violet as snowflakes begin to fall over the crowd, to a chorus of
boos. A howling wind can be heard, as a lone figure, dressed in a
heavy, fur-trimmed grey cloak and hood slowly steps into view, his
silvery boots occasionally poking through the closed weather-resistant
fabric. If such a thing were possible, you'd swear the temperature in
the forest just dropped ten degrees, as a slight fog begins to creep
in from an unseen source.]
DD: Hailing from The Dark Place, weighing 232 pounds... here is that
meanie 'Dark Winter' Gallain Gloam! Boo! Hiss!
[Ignoring the biased comments from Dipsy-Doo, Gloam patiently makes
his way toward the ring, shirking away from any outreached hands with
contempt visible even behind his light-filtering mask. With an
occasional look over his shoulder, he grabs the middle rope and pulls
himself onto the apron, where he pauses for a moment. The wind
increases in intensity while he stands there, surveying the crowd with
the gaze of a stalking predator before stepping into the ring between
the ropes. As the lights gradually return and the snow ceases, Gloam
removes his cloak and allows himself a few seconds for his eyes to
adjust to the illumination.]
TBF: (In a whisper) He wants to kill fairies...
TWF: Shhhh... he might hear you.
DD: And their opponents, introducing first, hailing from Fairy Land...
[Cheers for the hometown hero!]
DD: ... led to the ring by her personal aid, Spice Fairy, here is
Princess Sugar Fairy!
[The sound of children singing "La, La, La, La" over and over and over
again is heard as Princess Sugar Fairy makes her way to the ring,
flanked by her attendant, Spice Fairy. Princess Sugar Fairy wears a
pink leotard and matching tu-tu. She completes the look with pink,
ballet slippers and a pink tiara, perched atop her head. She also
carries a heart-shaped wand to ringside. Her long, black hair is tied
in a ponytail and a smile is plastered upon her face. Skipping down
the aisle, she slaps hands with all of the fans. Spice Fairy wears a
violet leotard and tutu, her blonde hair short and curled. The two
women enter the ring and prance around, waving to the fans, before
Sugar Fairy hands Spice Fairy her wand and prepares for the start of
the match.]
TBF: YAY! PRINCESS!
TWF: YAY! OUR HERO!
TBF: Kick that mean old elf's butt.
DD: And finally...
[The light in the forest fades to the equivalent of dusk as the
strains of a haunting Elven flute melody is played. As golden oak
leaves and multicolored flower petals fall from the sky, the sound of
weeping accompanies the melody, but it doesn't seem magical. The
weeping is actually coming from the weaker-willed members of the
audience, as the expressive music hits a chord with them.]
DD: "From Caer Galanodel and weighing at 155 lbs., here is 'The Swan'
Galadriel Moonwhisper!"
[Galadriel glides into the clearing, wearing a white silk cloak and
face covering. The cloak has the distinct designs of an elaborate
Elven wedding outfit, but looks more like a burial shroud. Her silver
eyes dart about as she moves solemnly toward the ring under a pale
blue light. Before climbing in, she sheds her covering, handing it to
an attendant. The lights return to normal as she climbs in.]
TBF: She's beeeeeeeeaU-tee-ful!
TWF: Indeed she is, though beauty isn't going to do her much good in
this match. This should be an incredible match...
[Princess Sugar Fairy looks like she'll be starting, and Xvair...
_no_, as Gallain pushes Xvair out of the way and charges Princess
Sugar Fairy, taking her down with a double-handed choke. He slams the
back of her head into the mat over and over again, as a dwarven
referee steps in and literally _throws_ Gallain off of her. Gloam is
furious, but instead of taking his frustration out on the referee, he
takes it out on Princess Sugar Fairy, kicking her straight into the
ribs with a football-style punt.]
TBF: OH NO! NOT PRINCESS!
TWF: GET UP, PRINCESS! GET UP!
[Gallain pays no mind to Precious Moments' comments, as he pulls
Princess Sugar Fairy to her feet, sets her, then dropkicks her into
the face. Princess literally soars backwards, all 90-some odd pounds
of her, and lands hard near her corner. Galadriel reaches into the
ring and tags her partner, climbs in, and goes to confront Gallain on
his ethics, but Gloam calmly tags in Xvair, who bolts into the ring
and catches the surprised Galadriel with a headscissors takeover.]
TBF: YOU CHICKEN! SCAREDY, SCAREDY CHICKEN!
TWF: Pick on the fairy, will you. Why I oughta...
[Xvair springs to his feet using his hands, throws a nasty punch into
Galadriel's face, then rushes to the corner, leaping to the top ropes.
It's here the he sees Binky, and screams several naughty words in his
direction. This is enough for Galadriel to make her way back to her
feet, come up behind the distracted Xvair, and powerbomb him off the
top ropes. Galadriel falls on top for the pin.]
TWF: Powerbomb and the pin!
[Slap!]
[Not even close, as Xvair kicks out at one. Galadriel wastes no time,
however, pulling Xvair to his feet, then nailing him with a front kick
to the face, a wicked round kick to the side of the head, and a side
kick to the stomach. Xvair bends over, clutching his stomach, which
gives Galadriel enough time to spring off the far ropes, leap _high_
into the air, then come down hard with an Ax kick to the back of
Xvair's head. Xvair collapses to the mat, hurt, and his partner,
Gloam, just looks on in disgust.]
TBF: Galadriel is making Xvair her BITCH.
TWF: BINKY!
TBF: Sorry...
[Galadriel rolls Xvair over, rushes to the ropes, and mounts them. A
pose for the crowd is cut short, however, as Galadriel drops down
meekly to the mat.]
TWF: Huh?
TBF: That was... odd.
[Galadriel looks around, as if expecting someone, then pulls Xvair to
his feet. Unfortunately, this has given Xvair ample time to recover,
as he drives an elbow into Galadriel's gut. The wind escapes the
young elf's lungs, and leaving herself wide open to a _nasty_ spinning
backfist from Xvair which sends her backfirst to the mat.]
TBF: HEY! HE PUNCHED A GIRL!
TWF: What a mean, mean bastard.
TBF: WINKY!
TWF: Sorry...
[Xvair decides to show off his speed, hitting the far ropes and almost
overshooting on a tumbling press, as his knees catch Galadriel into
the head and shoulder blades. Galadriel is in all kinds of trouble,
as Xvair calmly reaches down and slaps the taste out of her mouth.]
TWF: Xvair is proving his dark elf roots, doing all he can to
embarrass one of his own kind.
TBF: I hate him. He's such an evil, mean... GUY.
[Satisifed with the damage done, Xvair pulls Moonwhisper off the mat
and walks her over to his corner. He goes to tag out... and gets
nothing. Gallain just stares at him like he's stupid.]
TWF: No tag! No tag!
TBF: Even Gallain hates Xvair!
[Xvair begins to argue with his partner, which gives Galadriel the
opening she needs, pushing off of Xvair and springing forward with a
nasty leaping Yakuza kick straight into the mouth. Xvair hits the mat
like he was just shot, but doesn't stay down, as Galadriel pulls him
up and fires him into the far ropes... where he proceeds to tumble out
of the ring.]
TWF: What?!
TBF: Someone pulled the ropes down!
[But apparently, Xvair doesn't care, as a flies back into the ring
with a renewed vigor, hitting Galadriel with a lariat from Heck. He
then punches Gloam in the face, bringing Gallain into the ring, none
to happy with his partner.]
TWF: This match is breaking down fast!
[Suddenly, Xvair slides into the ring, looking hurt.]
TWF: What in the...
TBF: TWO XVAIR'S?!
[But not for long, as the Xvair standing in front of Gallain Gloam
suddenly _becomes_ Gallain Gloam. You blink, confused, and it seems
like everyone else is confused as well. The fake Gallain Gloam
tackles the real Gallain Gloam to the mat, and they roll around,
throwing punches at each other whenever they can get the advantage.
Xvair, Galadriel, Princess Sugar Fairy, and just about everyone else
watching has no idea what is going on.]
TWF: It can't be?
TBF: What?
TWF: It's... IT'S A DOPPELGANGER!
[Xvair charges in, kicking one of the two Gallain's into the back of
the head. The Gallain not kicked stands up, and reaches out his hand.
Xvair takes it... and ends up eating a clothesline for his trouble.
Galadriel doesn't wait any long, hitting a _beautiful_ front-flip
dropkick into the face of the imposter, sending him to the outside.
She then waits for the real Gallain Gloam to get to his feet, measures
him, and kicks him straight into the genitals.]
TBF: FOUR!
TWF: Huh?
TBF: It's what humans say when they hit balls.
TWF: OH YEAH!
[Gallain collapses, as Galadriel tags in Princess Sugar Fairy. They
both go and grab Xvair, shoot him into the far ropes, and both hit
stereo dropkicks into Xvair's face. Not content, they both grab
Gallain, fire him across the ring... and eat a springboard elbowdrop
straight into both of their mouthes. Gallain is up, looks down at
Galadriel... and falls on top of Princess Sugar Fairy, pounding the
living piss out of her with right hands.]
TBF: Get off her, you meanie!
[Though he probably wouldn't respond to that normally, he's forced to
as the Dwarven referee grabs him off, lifts him up, and punches him in
the stomach. Gallain bends down in pain, to which the Dwarf replies
by shapeshifting into Gallain doing that exact pose. Little does Mr.
Doppelganger know that Xvair has come up behind him. He finds out
quickly, though, as Xvair grabs him, spins him around, then quickly
gets him into position for what looks like a tombstone piledriver.
But Xvair doesn't just drop down with him... he leaps into the air and
spins, driving the Doppelganger into the mat neck first.]
TWF: ELVEN DROP! That's his finisher! That imposter just got
_WASTED_.
[The real Dwarven referee slides into the ring, holding his head, and
angrily throws the Doppelganger halfway to China, straight over the
top ropes.]
TBF: YEAH! YOU SHOW 'EM, JINNY!
[Apparently, that is the referee's name, as he poses down for Precious
Moments, showing off his impressive physique. It's during this that
Gallain Gloam grabs ahold of Galadriel Moonwhisper, pulls her into a
Gutwrench, then goes for the power... _no_. Instead, he just throws
her clear out of the ring over the top, all the way to the ground.]
TWF: NO!
[Xvair turns around, and recieves a Fisherman's Powerbomb from his tag
team partner for his troubles. Xvair rolls out of the ring, clutching
his neck.]
TBF: AH! PRINCESS!
[That's right, the only two people left in the ring are Princess Sugar
Fairy and Gallain Gloam. The Princess is on her feet, though barely.
Gallain smiles, makes the cut-throat sign with his thumb, then
charges.]
TWF: LOOK OUT, PRINCESS!
[And she does, leaping into the air at the last possible second and
catching Gallain Gloam with a hurancanrana. Gloam is quick to his
feet, but gets nailed with a dropkick to knock him back down. Gloam
back up, and this time a baseball slide into the shins drops Gloam for
good, leaving him clutching at his legs. Gallain rolls to his
back, hurting, to which Princess Sugar Fairy answers with a
springboard moonsault onto Gallain's prone form.]
TWF: Springboard Fairy Sault! Springboard Fairy Sault!
TBF: Cover!
[SLAP!]
[SLAP!]
[Wooosh....]
[But no slap, as Gallain kicks out at the last possible second. On
the outside, Xvair has gotten back to his feet, as has Galadriel
Moonwhisper. Both slide into the ring, to which the referee stops
Galadriel, but not Xvair.]
TWF: OH NO! Princess Sugar Fairy is in trouble!
[Indeed she is, as she gets off of Gallain, but doesn't notice Xvair,
who spears her past Christmas and sometime into New Year's.]
TBF: YOU BASTARD!
TWF: Spear! Spear! SPICE FAIRY IS IN THE RING!
[Yes, Princess Sugar Fairy's aid just slid into the ring, and waits
for a cocky Xvair to turn back around. The second he does...]
TWF: SPICE RACK!
[... she deposits him neck first to the mat via a Spicolli Driver.]
TWF: Spice Fairy with the Spice Rack, and Xvair is down and out!
TBF: LOOK OUT!
[The look out is because of Gallain Gloam, who springs to his feet,
grabs Spice Fairy, and drops her _hard_ to the mat with a snapping
reverse neckbreaker.]
TWF: Winter's Chill out of nowhere! And he just threw Spice Fairy
over the top and into Moonwhisper! He just took out two birds with
one stone~!
TBF: Princess Sugar Fairy back up!
TWF: She's signalling for the Jumping DDT! She's trying to setup
Gloam for the Princess Pounce!
[Gloam spins, Princess boots him to the gut, sets, leaps... and is
tossed off to the corner by Gloam.]
TBF: No!
TWF: Jumping DDT blocked! Princess Sugar Fairy bounces out of the
corner...
[Right into the snapping reverse neckbreaker.]
TWF and TBF: WINTER'S CHILL!
TWF: COVER!
[SLAP!]
[SLAP!]
TBF: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[SLAP!]
[And that's all she wrote.]
DD: Here are your winners of this match... Xvair and "Dark Winter"
Gallain Gloam!
[But the decision does not deter Gallain, as he continues to fire
right hands into Princess Sugar Fairy's face.]
TBF: GET HIM OFF HER! GET HIM OFF HER!
TWF: HE'S TRYING TO KILL HER! MY GOD, HE'S TRYING TO KILL HER!
[Luckily, Jinny, the Dwarven referee, interferes, pulling Gallain
Gloam off of Princess Sugar Fairy. Gloam struggles for a minute, then
just stares down at the destroyed form of the Princess, a sick smile
on his face.]
TWF: This has been total carnage here, folks! We hope to see you next
time, right here at MYSTICAL MAYHEM!
TBF: Someone help Princess!
[A beeping is heard. A loud, incessant beeping. It hurts your
head... bad. You try to shake it out, when you realize it's your
alarm. But your alarm is at home...]
[And you wake up.]